3 things Military Spouses wish Service Members actually understood

CPT Aaron Kletzing — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 12:04:20 -0500

All of us have gotten to know a Military Spouse one way or another; some of us ARE actually Military Spouses, some of us are married to one, and others have met one during family-oriented unit functions like a formal ball. Just like many of us who have worn the military uniform, Military Spouses occasionally feel like there are certain things that their Service Member spouses don’t truly understand about what it’s like to be in their shoes. Here are 3 of the most common. What would you add to this list?

1. Being called a “Dependa” or a “Dependapotomus” is insulting and makes me feel worthless.
This slang term hints at the military referring to spouses and children as dependents for accountability, compensation, health care, and other administrative reasons. “Being called a dependent doesn’t hurt my feelings,” says Shanice, whose husband is currently serving in the Army at Fort Bragg. “But when Service Members joke on social media that I am a ‘Dependapotomous’ and that I am only in this for health care coverage, or because they had nothing else going on in life, that really hurts. I wish that word would be made illegal in the military.”

2. When my Service Member deploys or is out training, I run the entire household by myself…and that’s not easy!
“I fully respect that the military must be hard work for Service Members like my husband, who is in the Air Force,” adds Tina from Hanscom Air Force Base. “We have three young kids and I am on my own with caring for them while also taking care of everything else we need to get done.” Reflecting on her husband’s 5-month deployment, Tina says she sometimes feels like Service Members assume that being the spouse is easy, and that those 5 months can feel like a year.

3. I put my own career goals on the back burner to support your military career.
Some readers may be surprised to learn that Military Spouses include professionals ranging from doctors and attorneys, to real estate agents and teachers. “It can be very hard to establish myself professionally in an area when we move every few years,” says Sarah, a real estate agent whose Marine Corps husband is based out of Camp Lejeune. “I make this sacrifice with a happy heart because I love and support my husband, but there are times when I feel like Service Members take for granted the negative impact that being a Military Spouse often has on one’s own career.”

Which of these points do you agree or disagree with? What would you add to this list? Let us know in the thread below.

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Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 12:07 PM

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 12:07:34 -0500

Response by SPC James Mcneil made Feb 8 at 2015 12:10 PM

SPC James Mcneil — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 12:10:41 -0500

Unfortunately, when military spouses have wanted to wear their s/o's rank and have the privileges that go with it, the stigma is real.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 12:27 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 12:27:31 -0500

First dependapotomus is derogatory, but as for making it illegal I would say uh no... If it hurts your feelings say something if someone says it in front of you, but otherwise welcome to military life...
The second one, yes I get the spouse life is very difficult.. One day you are a couple raising kids, the next you are a single parent and they are far away unable to help.. No one said it was easy, but on the same token, military is not touchy feely and we aren't going to give you kudos every time.. The reality.. You CHOSE to marry a service member... It is your CHOICE to stay with them...
And the third one again comes down to choices... You are telling me that you put your own career and schooling on hold to support your spouse... And what about all the Single parents out there who support and raise their kids and still manage to get a college degree.. No you are using your spouse as an excuse...
I grew up an Air Force Brat, joined the Marines, married a Marine who is now AGR Air Force and I went Army Reserve. We have raised 3 wonderful boys, our youngest is still at home at 17... As a family we have gone through deployments, combat deployments, mobilizations, PCS's etc.... I have been the one gone and the one sitting at home.. All of it is hard in it's own respect, both my husband and I have made it work for almost 20 years... And part of that was we never blamed the other one's career choices for us not accomplishing our goals in our life, nor did or do we care what others think... Personally it is a choice to be either in the military or a spouse of the SM..

Response by TSgt Joshua Copeland made Feb 8 at 2015 12:36 PM

TSgt Joshua Copeland — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 12:36:38 -0500

CPT Aaron Kletzing, I have to disagree with #2. Single parents the world over deal with that. Even mil to mil who have a spouse who is EFMP and do the bulk of the cooking, cleaning, household management in addition to full military duties. I am not saying that it isn't hard to take on the roles of the other spouse for any amount of time, it is also not an uncommon and not unique to military spouses.

Response by LCpl Mark Lefler made Feb 8 at 2015 12:37 PM

LCpl Mark Lefler — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 12:37:41 -0500

My ex wife was a great sport about me being in the military, it wasn't sitting at home and eating bonbons, while i never deployed she still put up with a lot of crap, i have to commend her for sticking through it.

Response by SGT Thomas Lucken made Feb 8 at 2015 12:52 PM

SGT Thomas Lucken — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 12:52:10 -0500

Made sure my wives knew I was married to the Army as much as I would be to them. So they knew what they were getting into!

Didn't work for the first 2, still married to #3 wife though! :-)

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 12:53 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 12:53:35 -0500

First, I want to say that my first Marriage contained a “Dependapotomus” and I paid a great price because of it.
YES, they truly exist! The one I Cohabitated with is still on the welfare system to this day.

Now, my actual Wife is an Incredible Woman who is very successful. She came from a small town and has done almost everything on her own. She is a Nurse and 3-weeks shy of her Masters Degree. She makes more money than I no matter where we are.

On to point one, If the word “Dependapotomus” offends you then you must be one. Not all spouses are in this category but there are many who are. These are individuals who know they have nothing and don't care to amount to anything. They prey on our young Soldiers or Older Soldiers going through rough times (Bad Divorce) and take advantage of them to the fullest. Basically tricking said Soldier or worse trapping them into marriage. Not sure if it is true but there was a story of someone selling a "Positive Pregnancy Test" to women trying to trick Soldiers in Fayetteville area. (Fort Bragg)

Point two, I am not going to deny that taking care of the household is a hard job with multiple kids involved. Of course my question would be did y'all as a couple plan each and every child? If not then don't complain when it is too much. Deployments are rough for Single Soldiers as well; quite possibly even more-so as they know they really have no one to return home to. Nothing to be excited about except to be back in the States. Proper Planning is the answer in this argument.

The last point is so full of excuses it is Pathetic! Utilizing the fact that we PCS every 3-4 Years is not a valid argument especially for a "TRUE Professional" career field. As I stated earlier my wife is a Nurse and has had no issues obtaining a great job position when we move. In fact on this PCS she had a Position solidified before we got here. Her Sister is the same way; always able to obtain a position. Women who say they are putting their "Career" on hold for their Military Spouse are using that as a crutch to be LAZY! Bottom Line! Again, my Wife not only has a full time job but is finishing her Masters Degree. It is all about what you want in life!

Great Topic for a Sunday morning CPT Aaron Kletzing, I believe this is the longest post I have ever placed. I just cannot believe how easy it is for people to make excuses instead of formulating an "Action Plan" to accomplish what they want.

Especially for those that say they are pacing their career on hold? What is going to happen when there is no more Military either by retirement or drawdown? I mean that is not the time to think about starting. I am at peace knowing my Wife will get a Great Job no matter what and I am still trying to work my alternative plan.

Response by SGT Richard H. made Feb 8 at 2015 1:41 PM

SGT Richard H. — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 13:41:24 -0500

My first marriage was as a SPC, and she was indeed a Dependapotamus. It lasted less than a year. If the term offends you, I agree with SSG Private RallyPoint Member...the shoe probably fits. If it doesn't fit, heck, you might even feel the same way about lazy opportunistic spouses.

As to the second paragraph...that is probably the oldest debate in the military. "The Army wife is the hardest job...". Yeah, I know it's hard. It's way harder than being a civilian wife. But is it really harder than a combat deployment?? I rather doubt it.

I also agree with SSG Fay on the third paragraph. If you have career goals, moving every few years isn't that big a hindrance. The average civilian employee changes jobs every few years without the Military's help....why would a spouse be any different? Truth be told, having a career as a Military spouse may even have some advantages, as the Military offers certain support channels, such as reduced cost child care.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 2:08 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 14:08:36 -0500

"""The Dependapotamus (English name: Military Spouse), is a unique breed. They are easily identified by their bulk (in excess of 250 pounds), their unique markings (old/unserviceable PT shirt, ill fitting Hot Topic Gear, Excessive piercings and tattoos), hair color may change week to week, but is normally an unnatural color and style.

Their natural habitats are normally in food establishments and discount stores in and around military communities. They are well armed with ATM and credit cards. You can tell they are in the area when you see a minivan with an insane amount of "support our troops" and "my kid is slightly above average at XYZ school for the criminally insane".

Feeding Habits: Dependapotami tend to graze at all you can eat buffets, especially if they accept a dependent's ID card as a military discount. Their other prime grazing place is the Post Exchange food court. That gives them a chance to meet other Dependapotami. They appear to be social creatures...until they no longer feel they are superior, as they are always drawing more into their herd.

Social: Dependapotami are social (false) creatures. They tend to travel in herds. However, if one loses weight, her spouse get a promotion, or if they in any way try to better themselves the herd will turn on her and ostracize her as a "slut", and talk behind her back until she is no longer welcome. Now, the military makes this activity easy by gathering the random herds together in what is called an FRG (Family Support Group). At these events, the herds can talk about each other, and make up vicious rumors about any herd members that are not there. Generally they are in four major Darwin type groups that hate each other; Enlisted, Jr. NCO, Senior NCO, and Officer."""

Now that being said not all spouses are over 250lbs, not all demand to be saluted at the main gate, not all wear their service members rank. Dependapotami or 'tag chashers' come in all shapes, sizes and backgrounds. For me that name is reserved for those who exhibit the above behavior not to mention other behavior like "you're husband is a private you better be at parade rest when you talk to me(telling another service members spouse) or "i'll call my husband and your husband will get an article 15, I'll teach you to disrespect me".

If the military spouse doesn't fit the above steroetypes then they have nothing to worry about. The side effect is that this is a result of those who insist on behaving badly with a sense of entitlement. They also tend to ruin things for everybody, for example during the holiday season hitting up every organization for help because they can't budget and then proceed to sell the free items on Ebay of any of the Facebook resell pages. Oh yes it does happen. So if spouses are offended because this stereotype is unjustly applied to them, then feel free to police up your fellow spouses. Oh and as a matter of factly, some service members are known to act & behave like said spouses, they also need to be dealt with. When you enable a behavior you're not part of the solution you are part of the problem.

For any new service member marrying, take the time to educate your spouse on protocol, customs & courtesies, do's & dont's because the last you need is your unit buddies 'correcting' you and from my experiences it doesn't go over very well. If it gets to the 1SG or Cdr, then it's really bad.

Response by SFC(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 4:13 PM

SFC(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 16:13:15 -0500

My wife tells me all of the time, that her friends will ask if they are afraid of me being loyal to her while I'm away. Or that my family will make snide comments about her being loyal to me. I don't think that people understand that not all service members and their spouses cheat on each other, nor are all of us on our 2nd or 3rd spouse. While there is no problem if you are, some people do have relationships that do survive the long times apart and some don't. I also have the utmost respect for spouses who are able to take care of everything on the home front while their SM is away.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Feb 8 at 2015 6:56 PM

SFC Mark Merino — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 18:56:43 -0500

I wish I could post a phone book of accolades for my military spouse, but I didn't make the best of choices 20 years ago. For those of you who are fortunate enough to be supported 100% by your spouse, I say "Well done!" You really picked a winner. Hold on and never let go.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 7:53 PM

PO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 19:53:57 -0500

Tina says she sometimes feels like Service Members assume that being the spouse is easy, and that those 5 months can feel like a year.

You know what feels like a year? Actually deploying for a year. Try it.

Response by MAJ William Guglielmi made Feb 8 at 2015 10:02 PM

MAJ William Guglielmi — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 22:02:45 -0500

As the husband of an outstanding military spouse and the father-in-law of two equally outstanding military spouses I can do nothing but wholeheartedly agree.

Response by LCpl Sam Thomas made Feb 8 at 2015 11:09 PM

LCpl Sam Thomas — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:09:03 -0500

If it doesn't apply to you then dont get butthurt..if it does..get butthurt n then go back to being one, cus you're probably not gonna change

Response by SSG Leonard J W. made Feb 8 at 2015 11:41 PM

SSG Leonard J W. — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:41:52 -0500

CPT Aaron Kletzing, great post, sir! All of those are valid points. It's not easy to run a house with children by yourself. Some days are easier than others, but long periods as a "single" parent are tiring. Also, there really have been some amazing sacrifices by military spouses concerning their career goals. They give up a lot for us. I am very grateful for my wife.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 8:10 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 08:10:13 -0500

I don't know but it irks me when my spouse refers to my paid check as "when we get paid".

Response by SFC William Swartz Jr made Feb 9 at 2015 9:14 AM

SFC William Swartz Jr — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 09:14:04 -0500

I have had the honor and pleasure of being married to the same wonderful lady for 26+ years, I consider myself very lucky to have met her and to have convinced her to marry me lol!! I have seen the good and bad of marriages while I served and know first hand what a tough "assignment" it can be being married to a servicemember. My wife was never and could never have been classified as a "dependa", she worked almost the entirety of my career on top of raising our 3 sons with less support from me than she would have liked. She also sacrificed her plans for a long-term career in being married to me while I was a Soldier. I think that the 3 points listed above are probably the best examples of what spouses deal with being married to "us"; I have seen the stereotypical "dependas" on a daily basis while I served, as well as the "tag-chasers" that lingered around the typical establishments frequented by my fellow Soldiers and have seen these same Soldiers fall prey to them. I have nothing but the greatest respect for what our spouses endure while we serve, and until recently nothing significant was done to recognize or honor them for these hardships.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 9:32 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 09:32:49 -0500

This is always a touchey subject. I am military and so is my husband. I have only deployed once and he has deployed three times. I can honestly say that I found a whole new respect for wives/husbands of deployed military when my husband deployed last year and I was left home alone. It is a tough job and I would have rather been the one deployed. The biggest issue that comes up for me with spouses is when they think they wear their service member's rank or feel that they need to be saluted at the gate because their spouse is an officer. I know for me, I couldn't do my military job without the love and support of my husband and family and visa versa.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 9:46 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 09:46:49 -0500

I was of the "dependa" mindset for a short while. But after being married and having kids, deploying, transitioning, and being home with my family, I can't think of a harder job than being a military spouse. As you mentioned, the amount of sacrifice it takes to support a service member is immense. I am grateful that I found such a strong person who is not a some lazy scavenger who preyed on service members.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 9:53 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 09:53:47 -0500

These seem to be primarily Active Component issues. As a member of the National Guard:

1. I have never heard the term “Dependapotomus".

2. The stress on a spouse during a deployment is widely acknowledged, and brought up frequently during redeployment briefings. This doesn't necessarily make it easier for the spouse, but it does help knowing there is acknowledgement and support out there. The Guard even has a program called "Strong Bonds" that hosts events to help couples and families develop more healthy relationships, and these usually kick into high gear after a deployment, to help with reintegration (which is something not brought up in your point. As tough as it is for the spouse running the household for 9-12 months during a deployment, it can be almost as tough figuring out how to reintegrate the returning service member afterwards).

3. Guard service does not involve the mandatory PCSs that active duty does. You sometimes need to be flexible in your choice of duty locations/assignments for the sake of promotion, but very rarely are you going to be required to move (it's usually easier to travel a long distance once a month, rather than uproot two careers and relocate). Heck, I've moved for my wife's career more often than she's moved for mine. As an officer qualified in four different branches, I rarely have difficulty finding a home in the military wherever I end up.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 10:06 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 10:06:51 -0500

My wife is a veterinarian, and I'm applying to be an active duty JAG. I would be pissed if someone said she was only in it for the benefits.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 10:56 AM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 10:56:32 -0500

There are slang terms everywhere. Just because your feelings are hurt doesn't mean that the military should ban it. A new word will take it's place. Just because there are jokes about defendants doesn't mean they apply to you. That's true in all walks of life.

I'm mil to mil and my wife is deployed right now. I run my household by myself also while running my full time job and taking care of my wife and occasionally her troops also. No one said being a dependent is easy. But you have the spouses who want to compare their jobs to service members when it's simply not the case.

Response by 2d Lt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 4:18 PM

2d Lt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 16:18:40 -0500

Personally, almost all the military dependents (save for maybe one or two) I've met use just about any excuse they can find to be independent people. "I have a college degree I'm not gonna waste my time at some Walgreens!" "I don't even need this job my husband/wife makes enough for the both of us!"

Seriously being married to service member shouldn't be some big achievement...When's the last time you saw a bumper sticker saying, "Wife to data collections specialist! Toughest job at H&R Block!"

I get that it's not easy to ask your spouse to get up and move every couple of years but don't piggyback off my life! You're an adult you're capable of achieving great things too!

If you want to be a home maker thats fine too I've met amazing people who did the same, but those kind of people don't get called "dependa". "Dependapotomi" are easy to pick out and I doubt (here of all places) I need to describe what makes someone a "dependa"

Response by CMSgt Darin Haitsuka made Feb 9 at 2015 4:26 PM

CMSgt Darin Haitsuka — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 16:26:30 -0500

There's a definite difference between a "dependapotomous" and a "military spouse" The military spouse does things to support the military service member, while the dependapotomous is lazy and does pretty much nothing but eat, sleep, and poop. I see many varieties of dependapotomous on or around military pay days at the commissaries. This is usually the only time they leave the house. They're often seen pulling one and pushing another shopping cart full of groceries.

I have great respect for the "military spouse", while I despise the "dependapotomous".

Response by CMDCM Gene Treants made Feb 9 at 2015 6:58 PM

CMDCM Gene Treants — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 18:58:32 -0500

Pay and Leave and Earnings Statements are NOT TOP SECRET yet so many service members do not want their spouses to know what they make in pay. This is especially difficult when the member deploys and has NOT bothered to make sure his family has the financial support they need. It is unreal how many times during a deployment the command gets requests for help in this respect.

A deployment of any length without leaving money for the family is just too long! Talk over your pay and make sure your family is taken care of before you deploy. How much $$ d you really need if most of your needs are taken care of while deployed?

Response by SGT Marika Waiters made Feb 9 at 2015 7:18 PM

SGT Marika Waiters — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 19:18:01 -0500

I've been on all sides, I was a dependent child, active duty, & then a dependent spouse. I have no problem being called a dependent. I didn't appreciate being ridiculed for it, however. The last 2 points are great reasons why there should be no ridicule. Being a dependent spouse is hard work! We had 3 kids & my husband was deployed a LOT! I ran everything, all the time. Finding work was difficult; too much college, too much experience and yet not staying long enough to invest into management but don't hire under your experience level out of fear of you leaving for greener pastures. Continuing education was difficult as well. Took me 3 duty stations just to get a cosmetology license so I could be in business anywhere, got myself. Servicemembers take their spouses for granted. (notice I didn't say "ALL") Dependents sacrifice a LOT. Yes, we went into it willingly; I, for one knew what it was all about. I'm not whining about it either,just trying to drive the point home. Spouses really do deserve more respect for keeping the home fires stoked & burning. On the other hand, there are "those" spouses who give the good ones a bad name, but that's a horse of an entirely different color...

Response by SPC(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 10:38 PM

SPC(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 22:38:49 -0500

I think that many stereotypes find their roots in bits and pieces of actual facts. Now, does that mean because the stereotype that is know as "Dependa" or "Dependapotomus" should be a universal term for all dependents of all military members everywhere, absolutely not. However, just because the word hurts your feelings, doesn't mean that it should be made illegal. Furthermore, I feel that if you truly take issue with the word being thrown around, show a little intestinal fortitude and ignore it like an adult. I'm assuming of course if you're a dependent of a SM that some of the resilient qualities of military life may have rubbed off on you. As an SM, I feel as though I already pay enough of a price, given enough years off my life that I'll never get back, and have to keep my mouth shut out of professional obligation for many topics as it is, that I'll be damned if because a word hurts someones feelings that the military should make that illegal for me to say on social media. But then again they are already starting to do that elsewhere for other topics, so it wouldn't surprise me if they start shelling out Army Achievement Medals (or their equivalent) for dependents for calling SM's out on social media for the use of the word "Dependa" .

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 11:33 PM

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 23:33:08 -0500

I actually participated in this blog link-up, although I took my post in a different direction and have since had to removed, unfortunately. There are so many stereotypes and hurt feelings that run deep. It really is a shame.

I have been fortunate to have never been a target of this sort of negativity, as a spouse or a servicemember.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 10 at 2015 12:45 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 00:45:16 -0500

1. There's a definite difference between a "dependapotomous" and a military spouse; not all military spouses are a 'dependapotomous". It is a term commonly referred to by active duty members who end up in relationships just for the military benefits.

I am a dependent of an active duty member, but I do not fall in the category of "dependapotomous". The slag word does not offend me because it doesn't apply. An NO, the military would not band a word just because it is offensive. America doesn't band words because people get offended...if they did our dictionary would be half the size.

2. I run our home 24/7, not just during deployment (as I'm sure other spouses do). As a couple in a relationship we had the understanding that he wasn't working a 9-5 job and there would be days he would be done. We agreed early in our marriage that I would make sure the bills were paid, the house was clean, and the kids were taken care of. Yes, it can be difficult to manage it all; it take a spouse with tough skin and strong will to do it all everyday.

3. A career and education is available if an individual seeks it out.
I stayed home for the first couple years after my kids were born, but in that time I continued my education. For the most part, if I wanted a job I could get one. With the exception to being overseas because employment is limited and local nationals have priority; individuals who want a job can have one even if it is just at a fast food restaurant. It is one more thing on a full plate and it takes balance.

I believe it is a mindset that this generation doesn't have. The generations before us had to work hard; being up before the sun, working all day, and then coming home to work some more. This generation does not have the mindset to work hard. Those that want 'the easy life' do not understand that the military is not the right answer. People that are looking for the easy way or for life to be handed to them may be a "dependapotomous".

At the same time, there are military spouses out there that fully except their role in the relationship and support their Soldier.

You don't classify every Soldier as a fat ass because some bust tape. Do not classify every spouse as a "dependapotomous" because some take advantage.

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 10 at 2015 6:06 AM

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 06:06:03 -0500

I think it's more of a term coined for the obese women you see at commissary spending their spouse's paycheck. Or the one's who honestly think their job is harder then being in the military. Id love to see my son everyday but I made that call to leave Texas so I can serve my country that I love more then life! Hopefully when he grows up he will be able to see it like I fo

Response by TSgt Julie Miller made Feb 10 at 2015 2:01 PM

TSgt Julie Miller — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 14:01:11 -0500

I'm sorry that one word, amongst millions, has you this upset... Sadly, this word, this mean word, seems to be meant for the spouses who only marry to get said benefits, and I've come across one too many in my career. Not all spouses are referred to this way, in fact, way too many spouses get left in the dark all to often and refuse to come into the light to get their recognition. My husband started out in the AF, then separated just before we got married. For the next 20 yrs we went as a family from base to base... where he struggled to find jobs.... he elected to be that stay at home Dad.... Homeschool the boys, work on getting his Bachelors degree and take of the home things... He stayed home with the boys when I got deployed and made sure they were well taken care of. Would I ever refer to him in that way. NO, why!? Because while I worked he worked..... I wish there weren't spouses in the military that epitomize this word.... but if you aren't one of them, then don't let this one single word, define you.... If you are the kind of spouse many hope to have, then get away from those who use it... there's a lot more to being a military spouse than a few lousy benefits and a commissary..... You can be that spouse that redefines the word... Military Spouse.... Chin Up.....

Response by Lt Col Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 11 at 2015 2:12 PM

Lt Col Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 14:12:07 -0500

Well, not every dependent is a dependapotamus. Don't act like a dependa, and you won't be called one.

Response by CW3 Kevin Storm made Jun 25 at 2015 6:36 PM

CW3 Kevin Storm — Thu, 25 Jun 2015 18:36:45 -0400

This is an entirely new term to me, and to be honest I find it to be crude.

Response by SGT Kathi Prato made May 9 at 2016 3:11 PM

SGT Kathi Prato — Mon, 09 May 2016 15:11:42 -0400

None of those applied to me when I was married to my ex. 1) I didn't depend on him for anything. I had a full time job, with health, dental, 401K, etc. 2) Nope, it's not easy to do everything on your own - raising a family and taking care of a household is difficult even when both parties are home. But if a plan is in place prior to deployment and things are organized then it makes it so much easier when they're gone. 3) I put nothing on hold. I earned my Bachelors and MBA when he was on deployment, while taking care of 2 children, working full time and taking care of our home. My intent at the time was so that when he retired he could pursue his degree and live his passion - turns out we got divorced and I was able to support myself and my children without them having to sacrifice anything.

it is what you make of it. It's what you signed up for when you married someone in the service. You have 2 choices - you can whine about it and keep your panties in a wad that not everyone is feeling sorry for you or you can accept what is, pull yourself up and move forward.

Response by Victoria Ziglar made Apr 16 at 2017 12:48 PM

Victoria Ziglar — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 12:48:42 -0400

I have never been called a dependa but it would probably upset me alot. Especially since I have known my soon to be husband since the 6th grade and that Im a soon to be nurse. I love my soon to be husband and thats why Im with him. I have heard jokes about me needed the heath care because I am at high risk for cancer but I try my best to just ignore them

Response by CPL Sarah Verity made Dec 25 at 2018 10:58 PM

CPL Sarah Verity — Tue, 25 Dec 2018 22:58:47 -0500

I'm a military brat so here's what I learned when I joined the military:
Being a service member is hard and being a spouse is just as hard. When I was deployed I read an article about service members arguing with their spouse on "who had it harder". A dual military couple experienced the wife get deployed leaving the active duty dad with 3 kids for a year. He claimed he would happily take a deployment any day than to "go through that by himself again". He saw what spouses went through during a deployment and learned to appreciate it. Others claimed their spouses "didn't have to worry about mortars coming through the living room" therefore that particular service member claimed he had it harder (He never saw combat by the way lol). The burden is the same severity but not "the same" burden, if that makes sense. I know first hand that, simply put: everyone has it hard! No one has it any easier than the other. Both have 24/7 anxiety and no one sleeps well at night. If only everyone knew this! You're not a terrible person for being a spouse. 18, 19 and 20 year old soldiers say stupid things (I know it's hard to believe lol) I grew up on base as a military kid so that makes me a "dependa " too I guess. After I left service at 20, I was an unmarried adult child of a retiree , under the age of 23 attending college full time. So yes, I was (again) my dad's "dependent " after I returned from serving active duty. I already had "beneficiary" status and still joined up away. so nobody could tell me Jack crap about "dependa" and you are welcome to feel the same: those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter! Thank you for you sacrifice :)

Response by SFC David Reid, M.S, PHR, SHRM-CP, DTM made Aug 4 at 2019 7:38 PM

SFC David Reid, M.S, PHR, SHRM-CP, DTM — Sun, 04 Aug 2019 19:38:43 -0400

Well worth reading this!