901 Days

2021-11-24T13:56:42-05:00

Based on the sobriety app on my phone, it’s been 901 days since I have had a drink. I sometimes feel like a fraud because I don’t know if I would have been considered an alcoholic . I enjoyed my alcohol. I never thought is was an issue. I never thought I was affecting myself or anyone around me. The years have gone by in my life and the number of friends I lose to suicide has multiplied. I have been in a position to help mentor veterans and try to help them better transition, with thousands of resources at my disposal. I have written a book on transition and speak all over the United States about this specific topic, and still tend to not get the call or text from close friends in times of crisis. This keeps a burning in my chest. What is the answer for suicide and why do our Veterans continue to choose that path? What am I not doing enough of and where can I fill the gap? Why don’t my friends call me when they are having a crisis.

I was raised in a drinking household. My father wasn’t an alcoholic like the stories he mentioned about his own father. He wasn’t an angry drunk from what I could remember. He has always been a happier person when Drinking. The type of dad where we would run to get him a beer after a long day’s work. We knew he would be in a better mood with two or three beers in him.

We had a fridge in the back yard that was meant for overflow of leftover dinners, and dads beer.

I remember the first time I drank a beer and it gave me a the best thirst quenching feeling. That actual “ahhhh” came out of my mouth and I drank 6 before my mom came home. That wasn’t the first time I had a beer. That was the first time i liked the taste. The first time I had a feeling that I couldn’t wait for the next cold beer. I was 16.

I remember when I was a sophomore I went to a few parties where alcohol was present. I knew a senior that was in my Spanish class. He recognized me and mentioned “damn, if you keep drinking like this you are going to need a new liver.” 15 year old me took it as a complement.

It gave me some clout with the older kids. I was now getting invited to more parties. I was one of the guys. I remember getting drunk and thinking how cool it felt. Doing push-ups for no apparent reason. This mentality carried on throughout my college years, now the guys who cheered me on are my baseball friends. They knew when I was invited there was going to be some heavy drinking and shenanigans involved.

My father never mentioned “Drinking beer will be some of the most fun times you ever had, and the reason for almost all your regrettable decisions you ever make.”

I failed out of college, immaturity and alcohol are 100% to blame.

The culture of baseball fit right into the same drinking lifestyle I’d grown accustomed to at home and I never would have recognized the problem if it wasn’t for all the issues I see happening in the veteran community now.

Off to the military I go. Special Operations and War…. a psychological cocktail for alcohol answered trauma.

Party hard and play hard, the life of an Airborne Ranger.

I was new to the platoon, our NCO said to make sure the rooms flow with beer for when the boys get back. We did our best to supply the most alcohol for the men who we aspire to be like and careers with experience we have only read in books prior to this. They walked down the halls filled with emotions… They lost someone they loved and no one wanted to point fingers at who’s to blame. They just drank and got louder and more angry. I was choked by an angry Ranger that was twice my size. I didn’t put up a fight, I let him take out his pain. He was younger than me. I knew he didn’t know any other way to get his pain out of his system. He let me down before I passed out…

this wasn’t something that was uncommon. This was Ranger culture in the rear. The chaos that presented itself after combat…

Drinking songs and drinking toasts.

One for them, two for me mentally.

We drink because we hurt, we drink because we have always drank. This is a part of the history as much as combat missions in different countries.

When we were happy we drank and when we were sad we drank more…

2006, we lost two incredible Rangers… my friends. I was on the rear helping organize collecting of the personal items. Helping the families and taking my friends to their final resting place. We had new guys… They supplied the alcohol… I supplied the choke this time… Something I felt I was owed. Something I have held onto for many years. Something that didn’t need to continue but I was angry and drunk and didn’t know how to express that feeling… we had only been taught to drink. Since I was younger, watching my family celebrate and watching my family mourn. This is what I knew from baseball. When we won we would celebrate with drinking and when we lost we would lick our wounds with drinking.

The cycle didn’t change because of my age, it actually got worse and worse the older I got… Beer doesn’t cut it anymore. 2 shots of Whiskey before I get started with beer. Call it a jump start.

I left active duty after three deployments and what I have come to terms with is a whole lot of survivor’s guilt and flashes of PTSD moments I am still trying to navigate.

As a prison guard i was sober at work and drinking when I could. I’ve never been a fan of drinking alone. I enjoy an audience and a team to partake in my misery. I was unhappy in life. My marriage was dead, my mind was broken. I couldn’t find relief in anything I did. So I drank. I found any excuse to drink. Golf at 6am, why not? It’s the anniversary date of another friend’s death? It’s a birthday? It’s a Friday, it’s Veterans Day…it didn’t matter anymore. Anything to drink and find something that will shut off the noise in my own head.

It was in the border patrol i started to have blackouts.

I was divorced and alone. Most would be excited about a new start. I was wishing I was back in war. A part of me would have been happier dead than alive.

I had my own seat at the bar. I was a regular. Two shots and a tall beer the familiar bartender, who knew how days like this started and how it would end eventually, calling my friends to take me home.

I was ok with this routine… It was punishment for being alive. It was normal for someone like me, I would tell myself.

As the years would pass, more friends would pass….

As the years stacked the scales tipped to losing more to suicide than by combat.

I personally believe there is a direct correlation between the drinking culture in the Military to the high percentage of suicide in the Veteran community.

There are white paper study’s that claim Alcohol coupled with undiagnosed PTSD and depression can have a high probability for suicidal ideation.

Reading this, and learning that because of combat and other stressors combined with alcohol, I am more prone to commit suicide. This fact had me rethink what’s important in life.

I refuse to know this and continue to play Russian Roulette with every beer I consume.

And while I am changing my own cultural trauma and patterns, I am also potentially changing the culture in which my kids know to be normal.

I am upset I continued the same pattern for so many years because that’s how it’s been done before me. I will not continue to normalizing the cycle of raising alcoholics in the military and my own family.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but

as Veterans Day approaches, I know I have already lost the attention of those who aren’t ready to hear it… but here’s what I am trying to convey.

You don’t have to drink to celebrate accomplishments.

You don’t have to drink to enjoy your nights.

You don’t have to drink to remember your brothers.

To the Airborne Rangers in the Sky, I have not forgotten you. I show gratitude daily for your sacrifices by living a well fulfilled life. I hope that makes you proud.

901 Days sober and I plan to stay sober for the rest of my life…

Response by PFC David Foster made Nov 24 at 2021 2:59 PM

2021-11-24T14:59:14-05:00

Listen to your heart. I used to drink a lot, and hardly ever have a drink now because I am trying to be health conscious. When I drink, I don't drink to be social, I drink because I want to become numb, and that in itself tells me I'm not a social drinker. Be happy my friend, and be strong.

Response by SPC Margaret Higgins made Nov 24 at 2021 6:15 PM

2021-11-24T18:15:20-05:00

SFC Vincent Vargas Happy Early Thanksgiving to each and everyone of you: of the Rally Point Nation!

Response by SPC John Donohue made Nov 24 at 2021 8:28 PM

2021-11-24T20:28:46-05:00

outstanding 12,876 here!

Response by Capt Brandon Charters made Nov 25 at 2021 9:18 AM

2021-11-25T09:18:03-05:00

Congrats Vince. You deserve all the success that comes from the way you turned your life around & set a great example for your family and other vets going through the same challenges. Happy Thanksgiving!

Response by MSG William Wold made Nov 25 at 2021 12:56 PM

2021-11-25T12:56:21-05:00

I came back from Vietnam, beer was already a food group. It was 30 days after my 20th birthday. Drinking age was 21. I laughed. 2-3 beers were the norm daily. Sometimes a mixed drink. Cut back after married, there was always some around, but ya just can't eat a pizza without a beer. Or so I thought. About 35, something changed and it didn't taste the same. Money was tight and 5 kids and a sickly wife. Oh if I was offered one I drank it but didn't buy it. After I quit drinking for some reason I started gaining wright. By 45 I had gained 45 pounds. At the divorce of 29 years, and age 49 I started in again. by 55 it was again a food group. Then one day I just stopped. at 57 I remarried, moved a state away. I can't remember the last time I had one. There's pint of 3/4 full bottle of bourbon about 4 months old, was used in cooking something and I took a sip, ugh. But we know the alcohol dissipates in cooking. Nope, no drinking, it just sits there waiting for my "famous" recipe's to be made. Oh remember the gaining wright comment? I'm now 70, and I'm 65 pounds over my age 20 weight. Gotta work on that..

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Nov 25 at 2021 8:30 PM

2021-11-25T20:30:07-05:00

My problem was I used alcohol to help me calm down and sleep. It became a bad habit in due course.

Response by SPC John Donohue made Nov 25 at 2021 9:51 PM

2021-11-25T21:51:52-05:00

Thanks for your story. It’s been well over 35 years sober. In my experience I never said I want to not drink for 35 years. It was is will be just for today

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Nov 26 at 2021 1:43 PM

2021-11-26T13:43:20-05:00

I have always said, those who have PTSD and a chemical dependency can't heal until the person becomes dry. Chemical dependency changes the perception of the world.

Response by SFC Gerald Gatlin made Nov 27 at 2021 11:50 PM

2021-11-27T23:50:31-05:00

Congratulations! I'll hit 13 years next month. Unfortunately, I stopped too late for my liver. I've been dealing with cirrhosis formally since 2016. That's a whole new set of issues to consume your energy. PTSD and alcohol do not mix! Stay the course brother. Glad to hear that you are helping other Soldiers.

Response by SFC Randy Hellenbrand made Nov 28 at 2021 8:26 AM

2021-11-28T08:26:26-05:00

It happens easily. Alcoholics don't just hurt themselves. The big problem is that there are so many types of addictions out there. The addiction I worry about most now days is the one where people are addicted to believing lies. 30,500+ lies to be precise.

I like some once in while. I've never been addicted to anything except the Army. I've seen plenty who were; and seen many of them die young. Congratulations to all of you who can deny your devil.

Response by SSG John Oliver made Nov 28 at 2021 5:38 PM

2021-11-28T17:38:31-05:00

One day at a time.

Response by SGT Herbert Bollum made Nov 29 at 2021 10:36 AM

2021-11-29T10:36:05-05:00

congratulations--at 23 I found myself saying "I need a drink", that made me stop to think. I stopped for three years, I kept it in the house for friends but I did not drink any myself. Then I felt I could have one when I wanted it, not needed it.

Response by SPC Vonnie Jones made Nov 29 at 2021 9:01 PM

2021-11-29T21:01:31-05:00

WOW, different time similar memories (you are not a fraud) keep the app the faith and the knowledge that the best way to give honor to the ones that are gone is to Live..much respect.

Response by PO3 Edward Riddle made Nov 29 at 2021 10:39 PM

2021-11-29T22:39:47-05:00

Congratulations Brother. I sobered up an AA and one of the first things I really "heard" was that there were only two things I had to change, my thinking and everything else. I can testify that when I quit thinking it was OK to Lie, Cheat, Steal, Con, and Manipulate people, places, things, and situations, my whole life changed for the better. I actually started to finally mature at 42 years old. Oh yeah, and I no longer vote democrat. Must be the maturity.

Response by CWO4 Tim Hecht made Dec 15 at 2021 3:10 PM

2021-12-15T15:10:55-05:00

Vince - if I knew my last drink of alcohol would be splitting a 1/2 pitcher of beer with my wife while we were eating pizza in a restaurant I might have opted for something a little more. But 11,011 days ago I had my last drink. Before I left DC for my dream duty station - Supply Officer on a High Endurance Coast Guard Cutter homeported in LA I was told that I had to complete a Navy ran in-patient treatment center for alcoholism. My new Commanding Officer said he didn’t want me aboard until I completed the program.

I learned back in 1971 how to be a drunken sailor. No matter how hard you partied you better be in formation the next morning. No one ever said stop. When my LCDR Staff Chief told me I had a problem I said “no I don’t, I like to drink.” His reply said “No, you have a problem with alcohol and we are going to do something about it.” I knew what that was. I also didn’t ride motorcycles back then - I knew I’d kill myself the way I drank and rode.

So NAS Miramar Alcohol Rehab Center; I could see the EM Club from my barracks - scene of the first drunken sailor act.

Through marriage, two children, and numerous duty stations after I got sober I would go find AA Meetings for fellowship and sobriety.

Here’s a few questions or comments that I’ve asked or said to someone sitting on the fence:

1. If someone else think you have a problem with alcohol you probably do.
2. If you think you have a problem with alcohol you probably do; normal people don’t think about it.
3. If you wake up (come to more likely) and don’t know where you are or what you dit the night before - you probably want to seek help.

There are medical, mental, and even spiritual ramifications of alcoholism; the worst of them all is death. People are dying everyday from the ravages of alcoholism.

If you’re young and are experience thing like I’ve written (or wait for the bar tender to say “we’re closed, go home!” You may have a problem; get help and not go through (and your family and co-workers) 20 years of hell.

For. You math experts that 11,011 days is 30.14 years of continuous sobriety! If I can do it so can you!

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2021 8:29 PM

2021-12-24T20:29:55-05:00

Vincent,

I can identify with many of the things you said regarding your upbringing and history of trauma both in and outside of the military. I also had an alcoholic father and Substance Use was normalized in my family. What I learned after the military is that we have the power to grow beyond our trauma. I am a Mental Health Counselor working for the VA with a specialization in Substance Abuse Disorders. I transitioned from the military in to Mental Health to help people like you and me. What we saw and experienced in the past doesn't define us, but can help us grow and move forward. Life is a day to day experience. That's what I try to instill in veterans who are battling major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, adjustment disorder, substance use disorder. These diagnoses might be in your medical chart, but they don't define WHO you are. Keep this in mind as you move forward. We all have our own battles...

"Well my eyes have seen the horror of the coming of the flood
I've driven deep the thorny crown into the soul of someone's son
Still I'll look you in the eye because I've believed in things I've thought
And I'll die without regret for the wars that I have fought."

Response by SrA Marc Haynes made Jan 11 at 2022 9:16 AM

2022-01-11T09:16:43-05:00

Don’t plan being sober for the rest of your life! Wake up in the morning and make a commitment to stay sober for “that” day.

Response by LTC Mark Beattie made Oct 17 at 2022 1:16 AM

2022-10-17T01:16:08-04:00

Thank you for sharing…..provides insight to who you are today!