A Warrior's Cry From Within

SPC Kenneth McBean — Thu, 14 Aug 2014 12:55:11 -0400

It's particularly dark outside as you're walking along a little alleyway. You can hear the sound of your breath and your footsteps each time they hit the gravel. You take a look to your left at your buddy that you have known for many years it seems, even if it's only been maybe two. Behind you is the new guy that just joined your group about a month ago and ahead is your leader. It's quiet. You realize it's much quieter than usual. That's when you realize the meaning behind it and look at your buddy. He smiles at you, and from out of nowhere there is light flickering from different directions and your buddy, your brother, goes down.

That's when you wake up. Looking all around and slowly noticing your room. Staring out the window and it's coming together. Another nightmare. A very vivid flashback to the night when your best friend was killed in an ambush. Just one small memory of a tragic night that you can never let go of, or think you can never let go of.

For moments like this many veterans turn to drinking or other forms to help ease the pain. The memories that haunt them. I know this because I once did the same. I was an alcoholic. I drank a lot. I used to spend half of my paychecks on buying cheap vodka and then that turned to whiskey. Which at one point, I had a run in with the law. I was booked on burglary in the first degree and public intoxication. Burglary because I kicked in the front door to a park ranger’s house in the middle of the night while him and his wife slept. Due to him just having surgery, he wasn't sleeping with his gun. I could have wound up dead that night.

For several months I was in court with my lawyer explaining what happened that night was because of blacking out and having a flashback. I had medical records documenting that I had PTSD. That saved me from having to serve 7-20 years in prison. Instead I had to seek help, take AA, and on probation for two years. I did my best with it all. Wasn't easy.

I had someone come into my life that made a change in me. She stayed by my side through my drinking and just when I thought I had completely lost her, she gave me another chance.

In 2013, my daughter was born. The day after Valentine's. I knew from that point on, I could never return to my old life. I have a beautiful woman by my side and a beautiful daughter to raise. I gave up on working at McDonald's, where I had been for several years. It was something to do. I went back to school that year, and a year later I graduated with a degree in a profession called non-destructive testing. I remain sober even with as many occasions that make me want a drink every so often, but I stay strong. It's a battle I'm going to keep winning. Even with the road rage and hatred for being in public places or around people, I stay strong. I don't give up.

I've also learned that by actually talking to other vets, it helps. Especially when it comes to some of the older generation veterans. It doesn't have to be someone that served in the same branch as you. All veterans end up dealing with the same issues in one way or another. How you learn to cope is your choice, but some require you to make the right choice. Easier said than done right?

Think of every infantryman that went through before you. They've been there. They know what you've gone through. They may even be dealing with it as well right now. Find a network of other veterans who will help you.

The other night, I saw a post on Facebook of a guy who was contemplating suicide. By the time I saw the post an hour later, there were over 600 comments from other vets willing to help. You are not alone. Don't end your life because PTSD is making things difficult in yours. Make something of it ands fight back. Fight or flight is what the VA psychologist wanted to call it.

It's your life. Own it. Let your children, family, friends-- let them know if you need help. It's always there for you. Just stay away from the alcohol if you want help. It's never good to self medicate yourself to ease the pain. It'll still be there when the bottle is empty.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 14 at 2014 1:48 PM

PO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 14 Aug 2014 13:48:48 -0400

Raw. Powerful. Speaks to the gut.
I cannot add to this message - but it speaks to me loud and clear. I can taste the whisky on my tongue, the pain it tries to cover, even for just a moment. I feel the swirl in the gut, the mind going 200 mph......

Thank you for sharing. May the road rise up to meet you........

Response by SPC Kenneth McBean made Aug 14 at 2014 1:52 PM

SPC Kenneth McBean — Thu, 14 Aug 2014 13:52:23 -0400

Thank you. Please share this with others. It really should be read and passed along. Hoping it will save many lives.

Response by SPC Kenneth McBean made Aug 14 at 2014 3:38 PM

SPC Kenneth McBean — Thu, 14 Aug 2014 15:38:24 -0400

I understand. I've been since 2004 and can still recall several incidences, smells, sounds. I've learned to control a lot of the PTSD without the help of medication. It just made things worse. So because of that the VA doesn't help me out as much add they used to because of refusal to take certain medications that are supposed to numb me? So I get by, by making myself and those that i love happy the best I can.

Response by Cpl Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 14 at 2014 4:05 PM

Cpl Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 14 Aug 2014 16:05:08 -0400

Great post, no addendum necessary, I hope this gets widely distributed and helps that one person who needs it.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 14 at 2014 4:38 PM

MSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 14 Aug 2014 16:38:37 -0400

God bless you SPC Kenneth McBean thank you for sharing a very powerful story and message.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 17 at 2014 9:57 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 17 Aug 2014 21:57:38 -0400

Great story and wonderful insight. I'm sharing this to Facebook, if it's okay with you. I have many friends and family who are either current or former military who have dealt with some of the issues you described so eloquently. May I?

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 17 at 2014 10:44 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 17 Aug 2014 22:44:38 -0400

Posting...

Response by SrA Donna Smith made Aug 18 at 2014 11:20 AM

SrA Donna Smith — Mon, 18 Aug 2014 11:20:34 -0400

Thank you for sharing your life I hope it helps even one other person. I was fortunate to not experience combat personally but have friends and family who have. I strive to be there as they need and to be still and listen..God Bless you and your family

Response by SGT Richard H. made Aug 18 at 2014 12:35 PM

SGT Richard H. — Mon, 18 Aug 2014 12:35:26 -0400

I think sharing it is half the battle. As "hardened" soldiers, I think we all think that on some level we are just supposed to shoulder the burden and march on. There are a lot of people out there going through this kind of stuff, and don't even know that they can ask for help, or maybe don't think they will get help when they ask for it. SPC Kenneth McBean I hope one of those folks read what you've written here. I think it could help.

Response by SFC William Farrell made Aug 22 at 2014 3:41 PM

SFC William Farrell — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 15:41:26 -0400

All the best from this Vietnam vet who has been in your shoes. If I hadn't quit drinking, it would have killed me.

Response by Sgt Packy Flickinger made Sep 3 at 2014 3:23 AM

Sgt Packy Flickinger — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 03:23:29 -0400

I can't imagine. Honestly I'm glad I can't. I'm so sorry for those who can. War sucks no ifs ands or butts.

Response by CPT Ahmed Faried made Sep 27 at 2014 7:42 AM

CPT Ahmed Faried — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 07:42:32 -0400

SPC Kenneth McBean, thank you for this post.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 27 at 2014 7:56 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 19:56:14 -0400

Great post! And I know exactly the feeling. The anniversary of my best friend getting killed in combat is very near and I posted about today. Not going to lie never turned to alcohol or drugs. But I am diagnosed with PTSD and take medications for it. Have nightmares all the time. Wake up fighting pillows and covers. All I can say is some of us were not so lucky to come home with thier body parts or come home at all. But we are all wounded, for what we experienced. I too hold my head high because of my children. And try to just move on with life. Best thing I ever did was join the local VFW Post. We support each other and share our stories. Kind of like here. That is what helps getting it off our chests and vent. Keep your head up Brother!

Response by SPC David Shaffer made Sep 28 at 2014 9:55 AM

SPC David Shaffer — Sun, 28 Sep 2014 09:55:48 -0400

Great post and thank you for sharing it. I am also posting this to FB for some people I know.

Response by SSG Maurice P. made Sep 29 at 2014 11:19 PM

SSG Maurice P. — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 23:19:59 -0400

when i first got back from iraq i was still on active duty training troops to go to iraq and afghanistan as 11B mounted combat patrols (OC/T). I HAD ROAD RAGE VERY BAD I HATE TAIL GATERS AND I TOO TOOK FISTS TO A GUNFIGHT BUT WAS LUCKY THE GUY DIDNT SHOOT ME. STAY STRONG MY BROTHER I FEEL YOU....

Response by PV2 Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 30 at 2014 7:40 AM

PV2 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 30 Sep 2014 07:40:27 -0400

Awesome post man. Thank you for sharing this. You are very brave to one discuss this openly, and two for sharing such innermost thoughts. I wish you god speed and good blessings on your journey brother.

Response by PO2 Jeremy Spears made Sep 30 at 2014 9:09 AM

PO2 Jeremy Spears — Tue, 30 Sep 2014 09:09:37 -0400

SGT McBean,

Incredible testimony and story of love. I cannot imagine what you've experienced that led to PTSD. I believe a person has no way of knowing unless they find themselves experiencing it first hand. With that said, your story is encouraging and makes me want to pray even more for all of you. I will say this... Though I know Christ as my Savior, there have been times when I looked in other places for answers. I have tried the alcohol route in my early 20's (borderline alcoholic... though functioning). I have been through a divorce, tried finding the answer in a bottle and ended up with a DUI. I have seen 4 very important people in my life take theirs along the way. It is my goal this next year to become actively involved in suicide prevention. Here's what I always come back to... God is greater, His grace is sufficient, and daily practice in gratitude is a must! But above all is His love for us and as a child of the one True King; I know my Father in heaven is there and I have turned back to Him every time. This last time (now 2 years ago) is my last as I cannot live my life for self or anyone else, but my Father in heaven. I mess things up when I don't fully 100% rely on Him. He is mighty to save and His love and grace abound. He will take anyone as they are and will forgive and then forgive again, and again, and again. He loves us too much and gave himself for us. His foundation is the only stable one. MercyMe is a contemporary Christian band that created a song called, "Greater" listen to it if you get the chance. This is not to take away from the people who have been there for you all along the way, but as men, God wants us to take things up a notch. On that note, I will recommend a book as well by Richard E Simmons, III... it is called "True Measure of a Man". Read it. You won't be disappointed! This might sound weird, but I love you for who you are and your bravery to tell your story. I greatly appreciate your service to this great Nation! God Bless and keep charging!

Response by SGT Bryon Sergent made Sep 30 at 2014 12:31 PM

SGT Bryon Sergent — Tue, 30 Sep 2014 12:31:57 -0400

well said Rakassan! And thank you,

Response by SPC Larry Boutwell made Sep 30 at 2014 1:28 PM

SPC Larry Boutwell — Tue, 30 Sep 2014 13:28:14 -0400

i dont remember my dreams... i forget them as soon as i wake up... no matter how hardder i try to remember them... the faster they fade to nothingness......but my wife is always telling my that i talk ... and move alot in my sleep but i cant ever remember so i dont know if i have nightmares....

Response by MAJ Jim Woods made Sep 30 at 2014 3:56 PM

MAJ Jim Woods — Tue, 30 Sep 2014 15:56:44 -0400

I am one of those "older generation veterans". Some of the emotions, dreams, and thoughts you felt never completely go away. I still struggle with expressing emotion properly. It can be less severe through talking to others with similar experiences. 35 years later, my diagnosis came from an Employee Assistance Counselor after I flew off the handle one too many times at work. I then went to a Veterans Advocate Organization (VFW/American Legion/MPOH) and they assisted me with the paperwork and followed it through the system. I now get meds and counseling from the VA.

I appreciate your openness and am glad that the system is better prepared to deal with these issues now. In my day, you never talked about it. Just suffered through it each time until the bubble bursts and you have to get professional help that should have been there after every war.

Hang in there and seek the help that is available. Blessings Brother.

Response by SPC Ron Caissie made Oct 30 at 2014 1:31 PM

SPC Ron Caissie — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 13:31:23 -0400

Wow, too many similarities! I too suffer from the same ailments.( PTSD, Alcoholism,among others) I also, sobered up, have a loving wife, and beautiful daughter. You are absolutely correct, there may not be cures for these problems, but they can be brought into remission with help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. We had the training for war, think of it as advanced training for the "Real" World. Don't ever quit! when you do that then the S.O.Bs win! God Bless all my fellow Grunts! Time to leave Hell and redeploy to Heaven!

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 24 at 2014 11:54 PM

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 24 Nov 2014 23:54:09 -0500

When I first got back from Afghanistan, I couldn't sleep... the wounded that were in our ICU, the ones we couldn't save, the ones that just wanted to get back in the fight... they were there every single night. The sickest people I've ever taken care of in my 12 years of critical care/trauma nursing were in Camp Bastion. The struggle is real for so many vets, yet they fail to get the help they need. Is it because we don't want to appear weak? Afraid that we'll be pulled out of the fight? I don't know... but I do know that the love of people close to you, the shoulder of trusted battle buddies, the compassion of others that understand what you're going through can help get you through the fog and back into the light. We don't leave our people behind on the battlefield, we need to be better about not leaving them alone or behind when we get home. It doesn't just go away. Thank you SGT Kenneth McBean for sharing your story.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 25 at 2014 7:36 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 25 Nov 2014 07:36:56 -0500

Absolutely profound. You said what others need to hear. I applaud you for you honesty and emotion.

Response by 1SG Eric Rice made Dec 18 at 2014 6:15 AM

1SG Eric Rice — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 06:15:30 -0500

Accepting who we are and talking with others like us is crucial....well said!

Response by SPC Lukas Jones made Feb 25 at 2015 6:52 AM

SPC Lukas Jones — Wed, 25 Feb 2015 06:52:24 -0500

Thank you for sharing such a deep part of yourself. I am glad that you were able to overcome your demons and that you have a safe and healthy way to deal with the future battles you will have. Sadly, I have lost many friends to those same Demons.

Response by SFC Michael D. made Jul 26 at 2019 2:22 PM

SFC Michael D. — Fri, 26 Jul 2019 14:22:22 -0400

One hell of a powerful share my Brother. Keep the faith. Thant's how I make it.