Active Duty Spouse with Prior Service (Has anyone else experienced this?)

SGT Christina Houde — Fri, 29 May 2015 16:38:24 -0400

I was told once that Active Duty Spouses with prior service were commonplace in the military. I served 6 years on Active Duty. Then, I married my Active Duty husband. The transition was excruciating. But now that I'm a SAHM and loving it, I'm finding a hard time feeling like I belong in any situation. When I go to my husband's unit's potluck FRG meetings, I end up sitting by myself because the wives don't understand prior service and the soldiers don't understand staying at home. Anyone else going through/been through this sort of thing?

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made May 29 at 2015 4:43 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 29 May 2015 16:43:37 -0400

You have a lot of valuable insights to share with the FRG. You might feel different - because you are - but don't let that keep you from reaching out.
They will need you when your unit receives a mission.

Response by Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS made May 29 at 2015 4:44 PM

Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS — Fri, 29 May 2015 16:44:30 -0400

My wife had a hard transition when she got out before I did. She had about a year left before my contract expired. You go from being "one of the club" to "one of the wives, but not really." It's like you don't speak either language any more.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made May 29 at 2015 4:45 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 29 May 2015 16:45:08 -0400

A very good friend of mine has a very similar story to yours. If you'd like, I can see if I can get any tips from her. With any luck, I'll have her join RallyPoint. I know she'll have some helpful advice.

I do remember when the situation was new for her, there were some growing pains. She had a lot of trouble relating to the 'civilian-spouses'. She doesn't complain much anymore, so maybe she's learned a thing or two.

Any way, I do know one thing: the awkwardness will go away, but it'll be because you can adapt, not because the institution is going to change for you. But it'll go away.

Response by LTC John Shaw made May 29 at 2015 5:01 PM

LTC John Shaw — Fri, 29 May 2015 17:01:45 -0400

SFC Private RallyPoint Member @SGT Christina Houde

You are doing the right thing by reaching out in RP and in your unit FRG.
You can bridge the two for other wives and help them better understand the soldier's side of deployment and FTX.

Downside is...more work for you and life on duty is hard enough without every person spilling their problems on your lap.

Keep trying to help, it will be honored and respected.

Blessings to you both!

Response by TSgt Joshua Copeland made May 29 at 2015 5:17 PM

TSgt Joshua Copeland — Fri, 29 May 2015 17:17:54 -0400

As a kid, I most of my friends mom's were former Navy or Marines married to AD husbands. This through the 80's it was still extremely common for the wife to get out when she got pregnant. I think the demographics have changed now 25 years later in that more and more spouses (on either side) are both staying in or at least getting out of AD for a reserve job where they are "still in".

!SG Jerry Healy has a great point regarding your different perspective.

Response by Capt Mark Strobl made May 29 at 2015 6:04 PM

Capt Mark Strobl — Fri, 29 May 2015 18:04:05 -0400

Ohhh yes... While I was in, it wasn't so bad. However, as I transitioned from active duty to a "Navy Spouse" (that still stings), things changed. Went to her Officers' Wives Meeting TWICE. Could barely stand to be around any of those who thought they wore their husbands' rank as well. I didn't play bridge; I didn't knit sweaters; and I didn't swill gin. I wasn't ostracized. But, let's just say I didn't "fit in" either. I showed up when expected. But, I found myself migrating to those active duty service members --vice their significant others. In reflection, I could have tried harder. However, we really had no common experience(s).

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made May 29 at 2015 9:56 PM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Fri, 29 May 2015 21:56:11 -0400

I've seen this but not in a good light. My and my wife's experiences with prior service spouses as a deployed soldier and more recently as an FRG leader have been negative. They couldn't be bothered with attending FRG events, knew "everything", and worse, were not sharers. In 2013 We managed to get enough donations to send every deployed soldier (92) a $10.00 AAFES gift card along with sundry items for Christmas and one of the spouses had the gall to say, "That's all, $10.00, what are they supposed to do with that?" I was completely appalled.

Here I was retired and with my kids was volunteering along with other spouses and children to send these care packages out and this person couldn't be "bothered" even though her husband received a package and gift card and she's complaining about the amount. Neither did she help solicit any donations that we used to purchase the cards.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made May 29 at 2015 10:08 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 29 May 2015 22:08:48 -0400

Perhaps you need to be a little more open minded. You can be the subject matter expert of what husbands are doing while deployed. Most wives worry about their while they are training and sometimes need to talk to some one. You have the most experience so I would start there.

Response by PO3 Sherry Thornburg made May 29 at 2015 11:24 PM

PO3 Sherry Thornburg — Fri, 29 May 2015 23:24:07 -0400

I as active duty for 5 1/2 years. Married my active duty husband 3 years into my service. The transition wasn't too bad as my chief hand held me though all the paperwork. I left the service at the end of that enlistment to avoid a lot of the problems that I saw others go through. I understand being the odd girl out. I understood the active duty side of things, so the whining and complains I heard from other spouses didn't get much sympathy from me. For us, having me become a SAHM worked out great. Hubby wasn't too sure at first, but he was won over quick by the lack of day care expenses and not having our son sick all the time, like day care kids tended to be. I ran my own business on the side and that helped.