Anyone else have problems making new friends after leaving the military?

SSgt Sarina Gordon-Singson — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 02:27:42 -0400

My husband and I are both prior service, we have made a lot of great friends in our career with the military, but since getting out we have had trouble making friends. Can anyone relate?

Response by SCPO David Lockwood made Aug 20 at 2015 5:54 AM

SCPO David Lockwood — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 05:54:16 -0400

I have found that people aren't sure of what to expect from you. They have alot of questions about what I did while I was in. They see all the negative reports the media has poisoned the airwaves with and they are afraid. I have gone to places and not tell them that I was in the military and let them get to know me and my familiy first. Once they were comfortable with us we invited them over for a cookout or something then they would see all my military stuff. The usual response has been "You don't look like you were in the military". I just had to laugh at them.

Response by SGT Ben Keen made Aug 20 at 2015 7:48 AM

SGT Ben Keen — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 07:48:08 -0400

This is a yet another continuing problem among the Veteran population. Take some time and do a search here on RallyPoint and you'll come across several threads, some that I authored, talking about the military/civilian gap and how we can bridge it.

There are several things we must keep in mind here. First, in general, most Veterans sometimes only feel comfortable around other Veterans. We feel as if our civilian counter parts cannot relate to us. We feel as those our peers at work, not have gone through the same things we have, will not relate to us. We are fearful of branching out, only keeping within our small military friends circle.

One suggestion I make to Veterans is get involved. Find something that you and your husband can do to get involved in your local community. Volunteer some time with an organization that is out in the public. Get to know those around you and soon you may see that you do share some things in common and hopefully a friendship will emerge.

Response by Sgt Matt Koeneman made Aug 20 at 2015 8:06 AM

Sgt Matt Koeneman — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 08:06:54 -0400

Wifey and I are both Marine Corps Vets. We have exactly 2 friends outside of family. It's hard to get to know people.

Response by SGT Tom Kelly made Aug 20 at 2015 9:03 AM

SGT Tom Kelly — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 09:03:30 -0400

I would suggest checking out meetup.com....networking in business oriented or social networking is also a good way to get to know others....most metro areas have this type of networking opportunities....Charlotte has one called "network after work"....sometimes it is hard for some people to trust those that we don't know.....you have to create rapport, be kind and friendly....not that you aren't....i have found some are intimidated by my stature and voice due to my leadership posture......I had to learn how to be softer, friendlier and less on guard myself to make others I met feel less on guard. I also had to learn to stop talking about myself and ask questions of other people..others like to talk about themselves....they like others who are genuinely interested in them..Truth be told I had a big ego, and had to be more humble.....some of these probably aren't your issues.....this is what I found out about me.

Response by SFC Joseph Weber made Aug 20 at 2015 9:45 AM

SFC Joseph Weber — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 09:45:00 -0400

I can. It's mostly because I dislike most civilians.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 20 at 2015 9:46 AM

MSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 09:46:39 -0400

Concur.....civilians are hard to get along with....their brains don't work the same as ours......don't get me wrong they will get to the same conclusion as us (usually) but they have to go around their elbow to get to their thumb. And their idea of a "crisis" and our idea of crisis are completely different....me if no one is dead, injured, or shooting at me......it's looking like a good day. I've been out for 4 years and I really talk to no one out side of work (and that's only about work) other than wife but have hopes i'll run into that random guy at Walmart, the local bar, church, somewhere with similar/like interests and background....guess what i'm saying is ....Yes its hard......but don't give up.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 20 at 2015 11:28 AM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 11:28:26 -0400

Birds of the same feather flock together. My advice is to take good BBQ to your neighbors. Food is a tremendous ice breaker.

Response by SSG Selwyn Bodley made Aug 20 at 2015 12:35 PM

SSG Selwyn Bodley — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 12:35:50 -0400

I understand that many people don't go to church, but for my wife and I, getting involved in our church bridged many gaps on the social level. I tend to get along with veterans better than most civilians, however not in all cases. Similar interests also bridge gaps like hunting, fishing or whatever you do. You as the veteran are the one who has experienced both civilian life and military life and with that in mind I think it's important that we build the bridge over to them as they may never be able to relate to your military life. Contrary to popular belief, there are some great civilians out there ;).

Response by SPC(P) Jay Heenan made Aug 20 at 2015 1:56 PM

SPC(P) Jay Heenan — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 13:56:55 -0400

It is difficult, as only those who served can understand our language. I have struggled with how civilians who have never served, create so much stress and drama in their day to day lives. Not to mention all of the ridiculous questions I get, you know, "have you killed someone", "do you have PTSD", and those like it. It is a different environment and part of transition, is to understand that 99% of the population won't understand what it is like to be a Service Member.

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 20 at 2015 2:38 PM

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 14:38:27 -0400

I haven't been able to make a single new friend other than my wife since I got out. I thought it was due to the town I lived in, because I seem have no problem making friends when I travel.

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 20 at 2015 2:45 PM

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 14:45:13 -0400

Go sports team!

Response by CPT Russell Pitre made Aug 24 at 2015 3:33 AM

CPT Russell Pitre — Mon, 24 Aug 2015 03:33:22 -0400

Maybe you should try going to a VFW or a American Legion. Seek out some other vets groups. That might do the trick.

Response by MSgt John McGowan made Mar 13 at 2018 11:10 PM

MSgt John McGowan — Tue, 13 Mar 2018 23:10:00 -0400

SSgt Sarina Gordon-Singson. Now I have been out a long time so I have adjusted a lot. What I found was there was no similar life experiences. But I still don’t have friends like in the military. Civilians are O K, I married one.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 13 at 2018 11:32 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 13 Mar 2018 23:32:04 -0400

Yes, then I married her, then I got my head straight, we got divorced.

Response by SSG Edward Tilton made Mar 13 at 2018 11:49 PM

SSG Edward Tilton — Tue, 13 Mar 2018 23:49:38 -0400

20 Aug 2015?

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 29 at 2018 8:56 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 20:56:57 -0400

funny thing I thought was just me.Like I have zero friends here in Virginia.

Response by SPC Tyler Bryant made Dec 23 at 2018 12:01 AM

SPC Tyler Bryant — Sun, 23 Dec 2018 00:01:49 -0500

Yes, I was medically retired this year on the 19th. Since I have been home on leave since Dec 6th, I have had zero interaction with other people other then my family or the basic hi how are you passing by people in the gym. I don’t want to sound weak but it is getting really hard for me being alone all the time.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 21 at 2019 5:45 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 21 Mar 2019 17:45:53 -0400

I found that many dont quite understand being our brains have been rewired for service. We really don't think the same. I have to connect with people through other common interests. Not everyone gets me and they dont hang out. But when you come across those few who like your extra flare, theyre definite keepers. Even then, we connect through other interests. Outside a strong desire to throw a grenade or sleep under the hot sun, I enjoy seeing, knitting, camping, etc... You know, super civilian stuff.

Response by SPC Robert Bobo made Nov 1 at 2019 5:30 PM

SPC Robert Bobo — Fri, 01 Nov 2019 17:30:10 -0400

I had a good friend "non-veteran " we never talked military and got along for a few years until I heard him lying to a family member about his military background , he wasn't aware I was listening, I didn't say anything, but it pissed me off because he fabricated the entire story he was telling this family member, he lost all credibility and haven't talked to him since

Response by SrA William Cassy made Nov 18 at 2020 10:53 PM

SrA William Cassy — Wed, 18 Nov 2020 22:53:31 -0500

Oh yeah

Response by SFC Christopher Taggart made Apr 27 at 2021 8:50 PM

SFC Christopher Taggart — Tue, 27 Apr 2021 20:50:27 -0400

Other than a few civilians, who knew me while I was in the military, no friends here. After being out 11 years, and 61 y.o., I don’t stress it.