Are you tracking what I’m saying?

2014-09-18T09:44:28-04:00

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. They listen with the intent to reply," said someone on some cheesy Facebook post.

How true is that statement?

A command sergeant major once told me to pass the word about a class he would be teaching on communication. My first thought: “You interrupt every single person you speak to and you’re going to teach others how to communicate?!”

The Army tends to over-train on the simplest tasks. I believe the reason some of this training doesn't sink in is because of the average human's attention span.

Learning the necessary basics of “communicating effectively” doesn’t need to be an hour-long PowerPoint presentation. Here's what I have learned from a combination of a couple freshman-level psychology classes and what my MOS calls "public affairsing".

1. Stop interrupting! By virtue of rank, I see leaders doing this the most with their subordinates. How is it possible for you to fully understand what your super troop is saying if you incessantly cut them off? Some people are talkers, I get that, however most soldiers can't say two complete sentences without being cut off.

2. Take a breath in between the time the other person stops talking and you begin. It sends the message that you actually absorbed what they said rather than just rebutted.

3. Avoid your personal agenda. Leaders, if you just want to be heard, then make that clear up front, otherwise, shh. Don’t toy with your soldiers’ emotions and ask them questions if you have no intention on actually hearing them.

4. If someone has headphones in, there's a good chance they don't want to be bothered. I know paralegals and public affairs troops can relate to this! You’re sitting there trying to transcribe an interview and someone stops you to ask if you know what the chow hall is serving for lunch. Unless it's something that's necessary to say, take the hint.

5. Stop interrupting. It's not your turn to talk.

6. Stop interrupting. You don't know what the other person is going to say so don’t try to finish their sentence.

7. Stop interrupting. It's downright rude!

8. Stop interrupting. For peers: Your message isn't more important than the person speaking. For subordinates: Yes, sometimes a leader’s message is more important than yours.

9. Stop interrupting. It makes leaders look self-absorbed to the point their troops may feel like there's no point in even being there, because you could have the entire discussion by yourself.

I emphasize "stop interrupting" because it is by far the primary culprit for misunderstandings which lead to arguments. Arguments lead to broken relationships, which lead to violence and hatred, which then leads to more people walking around angry at the world. People who are angry at the world cause horrific and unnecessary wars.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 18 at 2014 9:48 AM

2014-09-18T09:48:56-04:00

SSG V. Michelle Woods, great post and so very true. Too many times we as leaders tend to interrupt in order to get information or our point across. We all must be willing to step back and listen, truly listen, to others.

Response by CW5 Sam R. Baker made Sep 18 at 2014 9:55 AM

2014-09-18T09:55:42-04:00

The mirror cracked when I looked into it.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 18 at 2014 10:11 AM

2014-09-18T10:11:24-04:00

I love 5-9. I know it is something I need to work on. If I am interrupted, I feel unimportant and that my words don't hold value. I can only imagine they feel the same way. Thanks for this post!

Response by COL Vincent Stoneking made Sep 18 at 2014 10:27 AM

2014-09-18T10:27:45-04:00

Wait, I'ma let you finish, but let me say....

Response by SFC Rich Carey made Sep 18 at 2014 10:32 AM

2014-09-18T10:32:42-04:00

I don't mean to interrupt you but,.....

It is hard to listen

Response by Capt Lance Gallardo made Sep 18 at 2014 10:40 AM

2014-09-18T10:40:10-04:00

Extremely relevant contribution S/Sgt Woods. Thank you for sharing that. Lawyers interrupt Judge's at their peril, but how often have we gotten in the way of a client or colleague who is trying to pass some very important information? Lawyers more than most, need good listening skills, but I have often found lawyers are the WORST listeners (myself included). I, like some of the other commentators above, have had to work really hard at not interrupting people I am conversing with. One of my mental techniques is to remind myself not just how rude it is to interrupt, but that the person I am speaking with is just as important and their input has at least the same value as mine, if not more. It is a mental game I play on myself to force the "Discipline of Active Listening" on myself. I think that type A personalities especially have to reign in their assumption that they are the smartest and most intelligent person in the room! I think Type A personalities are at a disadvantage (at good listening) to begin with because of their confidence (arrogance?) when conversing with others, especially subordinates. I also wonder if such "listeners" also fail to pick up facial communication, body language, etc, which is all part of the active listening and communication process or exchange. Many people communicate more with non-verbal clues, than what they actually say. If you are not intently and actively listening (which includes watching for the non-verbal communication), you are missing much of the relevant "actionable" information that you need to have for successful communication! Was your audience (even one person is an audience) receptive to your main idea? All of this is especially relevant to sales persons communicating with a prospect. What about a subordinate trying to influence a superior's decision making matrix. My guess is that it is probably more important that a subordinate have great communication skills in order to influence a superior, than a Senior to subordinate communication.

Response by SPC David Wyckoff made Sep 18 at 2014 10:41 AM

2014-09-18T10:41:15-04:00

I have a hard time not mentally interrupting. I may not physically interrupt the other person's speaking, but I hear them talking and catch hold of something they say and mentally start forming my answer. This usually causes me to fade out the rest of what they have to say. The fog of my answer tends to create misunderstandings.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 18 at 2014 11:23 AM

2014-09-18T11:23:24-04:00

SSG V. Michelle Woods I am glad you finished, now it is my turn to comment. :)

Response by MAJ Jim Woods made Sep 18 at 2014 11:28 AM

2014-09-18T11:28:05-04:00

Also "I know you think you heard what I said but I'm not sure you understand what I meant". Kinda' goes along with #1-9!

Response by SSG Pete Fleming made Sep 18 at 2014 11:28 AM

2014-09-18T11:28:28-04:00

Just remember we have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason... to listen more and talk less...

Though there are times I wish I had neither... my mouth (I have been accused of being opinionated) has gotten me into trouble, and then my ears hurt from the reprimand...

Response by MSG Brad Sand made Sep 18 at 2014 12:25 PM

2014-09-18T12:25:09-04:00

Sorry, you lost me at 'Most people'

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 18 at 2014 12:32 PM

2014-09-18T12:32:09-04:00

Yes to all, Old Guy version: "Listening is not waiting to talk"

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 18 at 2014 12:51 PM

2014-09-18T12:51:37-04:00

"The Army tends to over-train on the simplest tasks. I believe the reason some of this training doesn't sink in is because of the average human's attention span." This is very true and this is a topic of discussion in itself. How do we train future leaders, the leaders that will need to be able to think on their own, if we only push routine training down? By doing this, we are decreasing the strategic thinking abilities of the Army and hindering our future leaders.

Response by CPO Jon Campbell made Sep 18 at 2014 1:11 PM

2014-09-18T13:11:24-04:00

Is "Are you tracking what I'm saying" the new way of saying "I'm talking to you boy!"?

Response by SSG Robin Rushlo made Sep 18 at 2014 1:23 PM

2014-09-18T13:23:12-04:00

SSG V. Michelle Woods The two best words I learned after leaving the Army has been "YES DEAR". It works for everything.

Now the problems goes back to the schools. They teach for the tests and not for the kids to learn and express the thoughts that come up.

They should ne learning not being "TAUGHT."

Ok my 2 cents for what its worth. May I get the change back?

Response by SPC(P) Angel Christopher made Sep 18 at 2014 1:45 PM

2014-09-18T13:45:20-04:00

Love this!

Response by Sgt Randy Novak made Sep 18 at 2014 2:51 PM

2014-09-18T14:51:28-04:00

Tracking like a VCR!!!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 18 at 2014 3:02 PM

2014-09-18T15:02:00-04:00

Very well written SSG V. Michelle Woods . I only hope that others who read this will absorb it.

Response by Cpl Peter Martuneac made Sep 18 at 2014 4:12 PM

2014-09-18T16:12:51-04:00

Interrupting is one of the rudest things a person can do because it shows a complete lack of respect for the person and what he/she is trying to say. If someone interrupts me in an otherwise constructive debate, I immediately respond with, "I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?" Usually shuts them up.

Response by Cpl David Schaffer made Sep 18 at 2014 8:09 PM

2014-09-18T20:09:56-04:00

I can relate to this. I was standing in front of my 1st Sgt and Company Commander as a GySgt brought me up on charges of disrespect and tried getting me NJP'd. Well I remained silent except when I was asked to talk, and this GySgt kept interrupting and calling me a liar when I was speaking. Well the charges changed from me being the culprit to him because he would not shut his mouth. It is not often an E3 gets let off when an E7 brings accusations against him. Thankfully I remained quiet and listened while he did the opposite.

Response by SFC Michael Hasbun made Sep 18 at 2014 9:01 PM

2014-09-18T21:01:45-04:00

Why was my first thought "CSM, give that man back his hat..."? =)

Response by MSG(P) Michael Warrick made Sep 18 at 2014 9:05 PM

2014-09-18T21:05:04-04:00

SSG V. Michelle Woods - excellent post and I love the point that we do need to stop interrupting people when we should be listening. God gave us two ears and one tongue so we should do twice as much listening and half the speaking.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 19 at 2014 5:59 AM

2014-09-19T05:59:23-04:00

Well put. The only thing I would add, especially to new service members, is to remember, there is a hierarchy, you did not walk in to a Burger King (your way, right away) you joined the military.

Response by Col Joel Anderson made Sep 19 at 2014 10:30 AM

2014-09-19T10:30:37-04:00

Well said.

Response by COL Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 19 at 2014 7:51 PM

2014-09-19T19:51:21-04:00

SSG V. Michelle Woods I was just trying to think of something to post and thought of "listening" glad you beat me to the punch as you did a better job than I would have. One technique I would add has been mentioned-that of "active listening." Here is an exercise to try to hone this skill: Person A speaks, Person B is looking them in the eyes and taking in the words, tone, and body language then says, "what I heard you say ---and repeat back in their own words what they thought they heard." And then stop. Person A is then given the chance to confirm or correct. Then Person B gets to respond. Then switch roles. It keeps you from thinking "what am I gonna say?" while the other person is speaking and missing their entire message.

Response by SSG Robert Poorman made Sep 19 at 2014 10:56 PM

2014-09-19T22:56:35-04:00

I've got 20 years in customer service and call centers and you make quite a few good points SSG Woods. I actually teach a class called "Active Listening" to customer service representatives. Most people think that they are natural born listeners but in reality most people only hear what they want to hear. (This especially goes for customers)

Effective communications is basically two parts. Listening, not only hearing, but actually listening to both words and inflections. And then there is effective replying. One trick is to summarize what you've just heard and repeating it back to the person, and then speaking effectively, addressing the person's concerns or ideas in a way that leaves little doubt that you understand what they said and what you want to communicate back to them.

Your point #6 is a personal favorite of mine. Never finish another person's thought. Not only is it rude but shows that you're not really listening to them. What you are doing is instead of giving them 100% of your attention is you're formulating your reply before they are even done speaking. It is while you are busy thinking of your reply that you'll miss their real intent.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 20 at 2014 1:45 AM

2014-09-20T01:45:09-04:00

1SG Private RallyPoint Member Another one.

Response by Sgt Packy Flickinger made Sep 20 at 2014 3:02 AM

2014-09-20T03:02:28-04:00

LMAO!!! This is so true. If I'm talking to someone and they interupt, I usually walk away if possible. I don't listen to what they interupted me with nor do I finish what I was saying if they ask me to finish. I really pisses them off when someone else interupts but they stop to listen to then and try to go back. If one does it alot, I just don't talk with them anymore.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 20 at 2014 9:27 AM

2014-09-20T09:27:01-04:00

Thats why I rarely say anything because it burns me when folks interrupt me. If I cant talk without you interrupting me so you can hear your head roar then draw fire and move out.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 20 at 2014 2:03 PM

2014-09-20T14:03:45-04:00

My wife always says I don't listen to her. Or something along those lines I think, whatever she said

Response by PO1 William "Chip" Nagel made Sep 20 at 2014 2:14 PM

2014-09-20T14:14:53-04:00

"In God We Trust, All Others We Monitor" Motto Naval Intelligence/Naval Security Group. Used to be paid to do nothing but listen and report on what we listened to. I'm retired from that job now.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 20 at 2014 2:53 PM

2014-09-20T14:53:09-04:00

I always like to wait until the person who interrupted me finishes what they have said then I start over from the beginning. It generally works because of being interrupted very early on in the conversation.

Response by SFC Dr. Joseph Finck, BS, MA, DSS made Sep 20 at 2014 5:35 PM

2014-09-20T17:35:44-04:00

SSG V. Michelle Woods and 1SG Jim Wedding,

Well said!

SFC Joseph M. Finck USA (Ret)

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 21 at 2014 12:55 PM

2014-09-21T12:55:08-04:00

SSG V. Michelle Woods So you're saying you don't like being interrupted? Would that be a good summary of your rant? :-) I don't blame you - I don't like it either (my ASU does it all the time, and it drives me nuts!). A major part of communication is listening, but beyond that it goes to listening, receiving the message, and providing some feedback to show you received and understood the message that was sent. You can't do that if all you are doing is thinking of what you're going to say next. So you do raise some very good points.

The feedback loop is how a speaker knows someone received her or his message correctly. Otherwise, the speaker doesn't know if anyone "got it" or not. I believe that's the most critical part of the entire communication process, and it it isn't happening, some part of the loop is broken and it needs to be fixed.

Response by Col Joseph Lenertz made Sep 22 at 2014 8:45 AM

2014-09-22T08:45:49-04:00

Another aspect of miscommunication can be as simple as where you grew up. I grew up in Minnesota, and like many Midwesterners, was taught that interrupting was rude. More than a dozen moves and 3 decades later, I have found a correlation between high-population density, type-A personalities (think NYC, DC, San Fran) and tendency to interrupt. While those who grew up in these areas tend to live with it quite well, often joining the "interrupting game" to get a word in edgewise, those who hail from Midwestern suburban and rural environs try to stay polite, never get to speak, and remain frustrated.

Response by MSG Sean Milhauser made Sep 22 at 2014 11:58 PM

2014-09-22T23:58:52-04:00

Interesting post! So what I am hearing you say is... "stop interrupting", is that right? Haha... no kidding aside, thanks for sharing! There are some good points all of us can take from this.

Response by SrA Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 23 at 2014 5:17 PM

2014-09-23T17:17:35-04:00

SSG V. Michelle Woods Great advice

Response by CPT Zachary Brooks made Nov 5 at 2014 8:59 PM

2014-11-05T20:59:52-05:00

Back brief, back brief, back brief.

Now, what did I say?

Response by PFC Zanie Young made Nov 5 at 2014 11:42 PM

2014-11-05T23:42:43-05:00

Now if only people will stand at attention or at parade rest and keep their mouths shut until I'm done... Man I miss the military...

Response by PO3 Camille Romero made Nov 6 at 2014 12:18 AM

2014-11-06T00:18:08-05:00

I don't mean to be offensive, but by my observation and estimation, a good majority of the population have altogether poor listening skills. Part of good communication is giving eye contact when people are talking to you, and I know of way too many people whose eyes are not focused when they are being talked to; they are fidgeting with their gadgets, scoping out everything around them.... Not long ago, I made it up in my mind that I am going to start ending conversations prematurely if this happens to me. I find poor listeners one of the most exasperating things to have to deal with!!!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 6 at 2014 10:49 AM

2014-11-06T10:49:29-05:00

I can see your point, however I will ask you a question from a different perspective. As a leader in the Infantry you see and come across some wacky things, specifically privates (even "esteemed" colleagues") that really have there head fairly firmly slammed up their fourth point of contact. In certain instances one may speak to them in such a manner to show respect and get your message across clearly. This is not always the case, and a leader has to have the gumption to be gruff and show the tough love required to make an individual conform.

By no means am I condoning wanton disregard for someone individuality or "feelings" (lol) but in my profession, you have to grow a thick skin, and often that begins with a break down to build up approach. After all, if you cant handle the stress of someone being "mean" to you then how are you going to handle the stress of a kinetic attack. I understand active listening, and yes of course it has its place. During either counseling or down time I of course want to build a positive relationship with my subordinates, but when it is time to train or get sh#t done, I really don't want someones opinion or input.

I may have gone on a bit of a tangent and gotten off topic, but I have never been one to adhere to the idea that everyone is a special flower and their opinions (task or mission oriented) matter. On the flip side, when I am given instruction, or briefed on a mission/task I am listening to glean the information I need and probe for more answers. So yes, as soon as my speaker is done-if I have any interest at all that is- I am speaking and trying to get more.

As far as your quantum leap at the end is concerned, comparing a simple disagreement to being a cause to start a global war, is like comparing when you draw your weapon to when I do. All in all this was a well written narrative and I commend you for it, however IMHO it is spoken from a naive and counterproductive point of view. You are spot on in one aspect, the Army does overstate the simplest tasks and brief them to death. This tends to kill any training value that the proposed presentation could have actually had. Thank you for your post.

Response by SFC Edward Sneed made Nov 6 at 2014 9:00 PM

2014-11-06T21:00:10-05:00

I saw that statement on FB also. I believe it got started due to the grammatical and spelling issues of those who post, who have trouble with understanding. It's also due to our current technological advancements that we use, which have caused us to lose track of our attention span in communicating. People don't read what they write, because they have spell check which often applies an inaccurate work or phrase. But, they are quick to reply to what someone else post, without reading their comment either. I believe that in our near future, communication capabilities will be all lost to technology.

Response by PO1 Mike Wolff made Nov 6 at 2014 9:54 PM

2014-11-06T21:54:08-05:00

As an enlisted Navy Nuke veteran, it was engrained in me early in my enlistment that roles more than rank dictated who was 'running the conversations'. The best reactor operators were those who were doing more listening than talking during critical evolutions, and speaking only what was needed when it was needed. Occasionally, that meant conflict with officers involved in their roles. At the end of the day, we all agree that performing evolutions like starting up nuclear reactors is serious business, and in order to sustain the Navy's world renowned record of accident-free nuclear reactor operation, it required a lot of listening, but also speaking up for what is right when necessary - regardless of rank.

Response by SPC James Mcneil made Nov 7 at 2014 3:39 PM

2014-11-07T15:39:09-05:00

Being interrupted is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. So this post resonated with me in a big big way. Thank you, SSG V. Michelle Woods!

Response by SSG Jason Cherry made Nov 7 at 2014 6:49 PM

2014-11-07T18:49:17-05:00

Some people find it rather irritating but I tend to give back briefs to anyone speaking to me for more than a couple sentences. I just want to make sure I got it all. People think I wasn't listening the whole time...

...but I am, and I'm trying to make sure I understand and heard everything that came out of your mouth.

Response by 1LT William Clardy made Nov 8 at 2014 8:11 PM

2014-11-08T20:11:43-05:00

This also carries over to conducting effective staff calls.

I have had the good fortune to see a few commanders who run concise effective staff calls where interruptions of the officer or non-com who had the floor were cut short by the commander. One battalion commander was especially noteworthy: he would not interrupt the person speaking (although astute officers did learn to watch for hand signals indicating that they were going too fast or too slow), but his follow-on questions always seemed to find either the one spot the briefer had hoped to tap-dance around or the item everybody else had zoned through. Those meetings were actually a pleasure to participate in -- in vast contrast to some staff meetings I've suffered through where nobody seemed to be in charge.

Response by SFC(P) Tobias M. made Nov 8 at 2014 9:14 PM

2014-11-08T21:14:34-05:00

I could not have said it better. I started my new career and was so used to having to fix everything I was not hearing what was truly being said. I now listen to people so as to help improve their lives because I now know what their true problems are. Not what I think they are.

Response by SPC Judy P. made Nov 9 at 2014 12:10 PM

2014-11-09T12:10:46-05:00

I agree that if someone is actually listening, the information will be heard and therefore retained to memory for as long as it is needed.
A person can either hear or listen, be noticed or be seen. Which would you prefer to have?
I had the honor of knowing 1st SG Mendez ( RIP) He was "A soldier's TOP" (anyone old school know what I mean) he said very little but when he did he spoke with truth. ( he chew your butt out too then when done nothing more was mentioned)
He would not only hear and listen,, but would repeat back (paraphrasing) what you said so he would understand the MEANING in which you said certain words or the tone which you said them!

Response by SPC Marc Lewis made Nov 12 at 2014 12:04 PM

2014-11-12T12:04:36-05:00

SSG Woods that was right on point, I know when I was young and thought I knew everything so when my Sergeants started talking to me in what I thought was the wrong attitude all I was thinking about was trying to answer back without thinking about the overall statement. I disagree with you on having a class on learning how to communicate because it is a common courteous to listen and then respond after having the time to think but some hotheads are never taught that and that is when misunderstanding comes in. There are a lot of things from common sense but my brother tells me sense for some people are not common.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 22 at 2015 7:40 AM

2015-01-22T07:40:05-05:00

SSG V. Michelle Woods ,I just got to this thread and do wish I had seen it earlier. Awesome comment, absolutely over the top! It immediately brought to mind an incident that occurred while I was attending a Civilian Leadership Course Ft. Leavenworth 6 months ago.
Our group was broken down into 4 groups of four persons to a team. The course involved both individual and group work and public speaking. At the end of each person's presentation the class was given the opportunity to provide feedback to the presenter, both positive and re-enforcement.
During the feedbacks, we had one member in the class (who happened to be in my group) who would interrupt with something to say EVERY time someone provided feedback to any other person. Our facilitators allowed this to continue thru the 1st week without saying anything.
On Monday of week 2, I had raised my hand to provide some feedback after several others had already done so. I was about halfway thru my comment when "we'll call her Mary", started to butt her two cents worth in. I stood up, and cut her off saying, "Mary, you've cut every member in this class off since day one when they've been providing feedback, it's my time to talk, without your interruption, so why don't you just shut the hell up and let me and everyone else finish, then raise your damn hand like the rest of us." I wound up with a big round of applause.
Of course, our facilitator put us on a break and gave me the curled index finger (meaning come with me) and we went into the hallway. He said, " I've been waiting all week for someone to call her on that, however, that is not quite the way I had intended or wanted it to be. Great job, however, let's not be so confrontational from now on!" I smiled and said, "No problem, I think she got the message!" He shook his head and said, "This is why I like you "old school 1SG/SGMs " in this course. You guys have a way a saying what you think and those who don't like it can kiss your ass!
For the remaining two weeks, Mary butted in only a couple times and all it took was a look directly at her from the person who was speaking and she would shut up.

I have a Director who interrupts often during briefings, especially when the Garrison Commander is present. On several ocassions, I've had to say, "Sir, if you let me finish, your question will be answered, and if not, I'll answer them at the end of the brief!" If the answer to their questions are included in the presentation, I don't answer it when they ask, and say, "you'll see the answer to your question in just a minute or in the upcoming slides.

Your commentis so on the mark....for both superiors and peers! Well said! Two thumbs up...well if I could!

Response by LTC Scott O'Neil made Jan 22 at 2015 8:38 AM

2015-01-22T08:38:42-05:00

All in order to be a good leader one must be a good and effective listener. the Article below can help you understand the why.

6 Ways Effective Listening Can Make You A Better Leader, Forbes, 5/20/2013 by Glenn Llopis, http://www.forbes.com/sites/glennllopis/2013/05/20/6-effective-ways-listening-can-make-you-a-better-leader/

When employees say they want their voices to be heard, they are really saying they want leaders who will not just hear them, but really listen to them. As employees seek more attention, feedback and support, leaders must become more mindful of individual needs in order to more effectively inspire professional development and overall performance. Leaders who listen are able to create trustworthy relationships that are transparent and breed loyalty. You know the leaders who have their employees’ best interests at heart because they truly listen to them.

As a leader, it’s difficult to really know what your employees are thinking about, what’s troubling them or how to help them get out of a performance slump –unless you take the time listen to them. Listening goes well beyond being quiet and giving someone your full attention. It requires you to be aware of body language, facial expressions, mood, and natural behavioral tendencies. Listening should be a full-time job when you consider the uncertainty embedded in the workplace and the on-going changes taking place.

During the early stages of my corporate career, I hired an employee ten years my senior. At first, our relationship was solid; we communicated effectively and she quickly created impact. But over time, her demeanor changed and I noticed that she wasn’t as engaged and enthusiastic about her work. When her performance started to negatively impact the bottom-line, I asked her if there was something I could do to help.

She responded by telling me that she had some personal problems at home impacting her ability to stay focused during her steep learning curve. Since she had only been on the job for 8 months, she didn’t want to share her personal problems with me (nor did she have to) fearing that it would change my perception of her – especially since I was the one who had hired her. Needless to say, it was obvious that I hadn’t been “listening” to her. I could have been a more compassionate leader, had I sensed the early warning signs and taken more immediate action. Instead, I waited until her performance started to wane. Fortunately, this experience awakened me to become a better overall listener; a more compassionate leader.

As leaders, we must balance our intensity and desire to perform with compassionate attention to our employees’ needs. Being more mindful of another’s stress and their tension points before they impact the business requires us to boost our emotional intelligence.

Listening is a leadership responsibility that does not appear in the job description. Those who do listen to their employees are in a much better position to lead the increasingly diverse and multigenerational workforce. The “one-approach-fits-all” way of thinking has become outdated and those who embrace the high art of listening are destined to be the better, more compassionate leaders.

Here are six effective forms of listening that will help get you started:

1. Show That You Care

When you care about your employees, they tend to work harder and aim to exceed your expectations. Employees want to be led by those who genuinely care about who they are and what they represent to the team and organization at-large. Don’t just view your employees as tools and resources for your own success – but as people and valuable assets who bring unique capabilities and aptitudes not necessarily limited to their job functions.

Many leaders have told me that their employee relationships end at work. Those relationships are short-lived. Employees want leaders who care about their general well-being and who can be depended upon during times of professional and personal hardships.

2. Engage Yourself

Beyond caring, engage yourself in matters important to your employees. When they share their opinions, ask questions and encourage them to elaborate and expand upon their perspectives. When you engage yourself more actively, hold yourself accountable and follow-up with your employees, they will know that you are listening, paying attention and attempting to understand what matters most to them.

I once had a boss who told me that I had a unique way of expressing myself in meetings. Instead of trying to mold me into being someone I wasn’t, he embraced my style and learned to use it to help stimulate team meetings. Many times he asked me to lead meetings when he was pulled away by the executive team. He made me feel that he was listening because he valued and applied what he interpreted about my style into action. To this day, I am extremely grateful for having such a compassionate leader as a boss – as he gave me the extra incentive to be my authentic self.

3. Be Empathetic

The workplace is fueled with the stress and pressure of each day. Because every employee manages stress and pressure differently, it is important that you are empathetic to how these distractors impact employee performance.

Express your concern and show your employees that you feel their frustrations. If you are an old-school leader, don’t be afraid to express sentiment or feel that it will weaken your stature or authority as a leader.

Empathy is a powerful display of listening. I realize that many leaders avoid emotional interactions, but the best leaders know how to empathize and make themselves approachable to those who need attention. Bill Clinton and Ronald Reagan were masters of showing empathy towards others.

Great leaders know how to balance the head and the heart.

4. Don’t Judge Others

Leaders that judge others are not listening. Too many times leaders make harsh criticisms about those with a different style or approach. Instead of judging someone, they could be learning from them (like my boss did early on in my career).

When leaders judge, they expose their immaturity and inability to embrace differences. These leaders may enjoy a long track record of success in one company, but often find it difficult to make the successful transition into a new company.

Leaders must not grow complacent. The 21st century leader must embrace new ideas and ideals. They must be more active listeners, constantly learning and adapting to change.

5. Be Expansively Mindful

Great leaders are extremely mindful of their surroundings. They know how to actively listen beyond the obvious via both verbal and non-verbal communication. They acknowledge others via body language, facial expressions and nods. These types of leaders possess a tremendous degree of executive presence and are tuned in to the dynamics that are taking place around them, at all times.

Leaders that are mindful are not just hearing conversations; they are listening to them and engaging in the dialogue. They don’t fake it, they are taking note of what is being said and how people are saying it and are making continuous eye-contact and gestures.

As the leader, everyone is watching your every move and action. If you appear disconnected, you are perceived as disinterested and not listening. Never stop being expansively mindful.

6. Don’t Interrupt

How many times has your leader rudely interrupted your train of thought? It’s fair to say this is a common occurrence. Compassionate leaders listen and don’t interrupt the flow of the dialogue. They embrace two-way communication and are aware that with every interruption comes disengagement. They earn respect from their peers by being a patient listener.

Stay focused on what your employees are saying. Stay in the moment and be respectful of others. Listen and become a more compassionate leader.

Employees respect those leaders that listen, because they know how difficult listening can be. Here are a few statistics that will really make you think about the importance of effective listening.
•85% of what we know we have learned through listening
•Humans generally listen at a 25% comprehension rate
•In a typical business day, we spend 45% of our time listening, 30% of our time talking, 16% reading and 9% writing
•Less than 2% of all professionals have had formal education or learning to understand and improve listening skills and techniques

Response by SSG(P) Matthew Bisbee made Jan 25 at 2015 4:38 PM

2015-01-25T16:38:23-05:00

We were created with two ears and only one mouth. We need to get the hint that we should listen twice as much as we talk.

Response by SPC Stewart Smith made Jan 29 at 2015 6:59 PM

2015-01-29T18:59:56-05:00

Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Smelling what I'm stepping in? Seeing what I'm showing?
I didn't read your post. I just wanted my chance to 'talk'. JK ;)

Response by PO1 Donald Hammond made Jan 29 at 2015 7:00 PM

2015-01-29T19:00:05-05:00

Interesting. There is one time when, in the military, where "stop interrupting" does not apply. When the subordinate is yammering away and you need something done or the whole topic is no longer open for discussion etc.

I've told subordinates to do something and they start rattling off why they shouldn't do it or something unrelated and I just don't have the time to hear it. Then I politely cut them off with "let us discuss this later, right now we need to get the job done".

An emergency is another time. Don't argue with me, do what I'm telling you.

Now when you are asking for feedback or having a discussion, let the person talk then first thing is to respond with a recap of what you just heard them say. "So you are saying ....". You are not trying to answer or anything else you are saying "I listened to you and I think you are saying this. Am I right?" Helps prevent misunderstandings too.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2015 12:43 AM

2015-01-30T00:43:46-05:00

I had a soldier that automatically talked back when anyone talked to him. I had to lock him up and explain to him how it went. Soldier you can speak now and when you are done i will speak roger. One effective tool i use and still use till today is ask the soldier repeat to me what I have told him or her. That confirms to me that he or she got the message.

Response by SPC John Canning made Dec 1 at 2015 10:03 AM

2015-12-01T10:03:35-05:00

The moment you start thinking about your response is the point in the conversation when you stopped listening to the person talking.

Response by SCPO Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 18 at 2016 4:00 PM

2016-01-18T16:00:27-05:00

There is "hearing" what someone says, and there is :listening to" what someone says. The impact of one versus the other on a positive, two-way communication process is very dramatic and, oftentimes, diametrically opposite to each other in terms of the intended results. Everyone has distractions in their lives. Everyone has biases, opinions, likes and dislikes. Those elements, and thousands of other external and internal issues, determine how much we hear from or how much we listen to others, including those who are closest to us. I am very guilty of the former, though, with advancing age and retirement all around me, I am trying to become much more diligent about the latter. I understand the importance of it when I am doing the talking. We all need to stop and LISTEN to others when they speak to us.