Army Times Hackers Threaten To Release Names Of Paid Subscribers

WASHINGTON — The parent company of the publication Army Times has been threatened by an elite hacker team, demanding they shut down the military newspaper or the team will release the names of paid subscribers. The hackers complain in a series of tweets that they are “morally outraged” at “the so-called writing skills and click-bait journalism of the Times.”

A hacker who uses the alias “F*ck_Michelle_Tan69” stated they had reached their frustration limit with the Army Times “basically using the same four headlines each month” in attempt to sell papers. They noted headlines that include “Changes to the Army Physical Readiness Test,” “Who is getting kicked out next,” “Changes to the promotion system,” and “Possible changes to your retirement.”

The Pentagon says that they believe most subscribers with government emails were either bots or subscribed as a result of being bored and wanting to read more than the three free articles. Of the 131 paid subscribers 119 are reportedly officers and 11 are DA civilians.

When asked about the possibility of punishment for the subscribers, former Sgt. Major of the Army Raymond Chandler stated, “No way would I punish those involved. I was merely looking to see what amazing praise the soldiers had to say about all the forward-thinking policies I made before retiring.”

“I have been the biggest hypocrite ever,” admitted Assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs Dr. George Little.“I have over the last several months been viewing the Army Times on the Internet and this became a secret addiction to see what type of garbage they posted daily.”

“When we first told the Army what we had, they decided to block subscriptions for active duty soldiers,” said F*ck_Michelle_Tan69. “But that isn’t good enough. We want it all to go down, like, forever.”

“Should I just come out and tell my senior rater now? Tell them I was just curious?” asked an online commenter with the handle Maj.Joel.Bloomfield.4ID.S3.

The leak would result in a nightmare for nearly dozens of soldiers subscribed, both personally and professionally, as the regulations are supposed to prohibit such bullshit from clogging DOD servers. If the list is released, Times readers will also be in the awkward position of needing to explain to their families why they have been wasting so much money on tabloids each week.

The 17 kilobyte file will be released Sep. 21 unless the Army Times is shuttered.

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