At what point in your military career does it become harder to return home than it does to deploy?

CH (MAJ) William Beaver — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 16:45:30 -0400

Someone told me once that it has become more of a challenge to return home from a deployment than it does to deploy. It was not that way at first. Even told me that going home is ‘frightening.’ What has been your experience? Is there a shift? If there is, what makes it more difficult to return home than to deploy? Or is it still harder to leave home to deploy?

Response by SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth made Oct 3 at 2018 4:47 PM

SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 16:47:36 -0400

I never deployed, just going to AT shortly before I went I R R, was tough to do.

Response by LTJG Robert M. made Oct 3 at 2018 4:59 PM

LTJG Robert M. — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 16:59:29 -0400

Always found it harder to deploy

Response by LTC Stephan Porter made Oct 3 at 2018 5:09 PM

LTC Stephan Porter — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 17:09:04 -0400

I’ve never had an issue with returning home.

Response by SGT Ej P. made Oct 3 at 2018 5:10 PM

SGT Ej P. — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 17:10:45 -0400

This is just me but I'd rather deploy / be deployed

Response by MSG Greg Kelly made Oct 3 at 2018 5:38 PM

MSG Greg Kelly — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 17:38:04 -0400

I am not really sure when it happened I guess I would have to say after I fired my weapon in self defense the first time. A switch flipped it was like I could feel it then. I cannot explain it was sort of like I died and was born at the same time. I have never fit in at home again. My wife says she wants her old Greg back and I don't really fit in with the people I hang out with either. I have no friends really and I am OK with it. I miss the Army because I felt like it was home, but then I read about and see all the changes and say I would not fit in there either because I don't believe in the changes taking place. I am not sure if that is an answer but I hope it helps.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 3 at 2018 5:39 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 17:39:15 -0400

I have almost four years in the middle east and a year in Korea. Although there is a transition period, I haven't had problems transitioning back into garrison life.

Response by Sgt Roy Hale made Oct 3 at 2018 5:54 PM

Sgt Roy Hale — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 17:54:20 -0400

I had a hard time returning home. I was sitting at the Airport in Florida, and I honestly thought of not getting on the aircraft. I knew things back home had changed, well I had changed, not home. I didn’t know about fitting back in.

Response by Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth made Oct 3 at 2018 6:00 PM

Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 18:00:29 -0400

I think that after many deployments and TDY's you become institutionalized and the deployment is the norm and home becomes tougher and tougher. On deployments you kinda know what to expect. When you return home now you have the wife, kids, daily routines, ball games, band practices and things changing up way to much. I think that is why so many marriages have a tough time. IMHO.

Response by Sgt Wayne Wood made Oct 3 at 2018 6:16 PM

Sgt Wayne Wood — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 18:16:56 -0400

I kept extending because i didn’t like what i saw when i came back for training.

Response by Lt Col Charlie Brown made Oct 3 at 2018 6:44 PM

Lt Col Charlie Brown — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 18:44:22 -0400

Some people get hooked on the adrenaline of the deployment and life at home is flat in comparison. Others like only being responsible for themselves and not a spouse and children

Response by SPC Casey Ashfield made Oct 3 at 2018 6:48 PM

SPC Casey Ashfield — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 18:48:12 -0400

Entirely situation dependent. When I was on my deployment I didn't want to go home. Things were very simple by comparison on deployment. Do tower guard, TOC shifts, patrols, intel gathering, fix stuff. No bills to worry about. No unnecessary technology to clutter my life. My home life sucked too. My deployment order yanked me out of the senior year of university. I had a fiance who would break up with me every 3-4 months then want to get back together. She was a legit psychopath. I had more practice with knife and gun disarms with her than I ever got in the military.

My unit did blanket denials for extending in country. So I HAD to come home. Even when it came time for mid tour leave, I didn't want to take it. But my command staff was going to make me jump through hoops just to deny leaving for a couple weeks. There was a pool going in my unit of who would have the worst leave, I won second place. First place went to an NCO who went home to find his house empty, wife and 2 kids gone. He got a divorce letter a few weeks later.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 3 at 2018 9:19 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 21:19:51 -0400

When you’re deployed you don’t have to worry about anything but eating, sleeping, and working.

At home you have all of the other stuff to worry about. Bills, yard work, traffic, etc. being deployed feels easier after the first time because life is so much more simple.

Response by SGT Philip Roncari made Oct 3 at 2018 9:26 PM

SGT Philip Roncari — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 21:26:10 -0400

Luckily for me,you only had to do one year,of which I did ten months and fourteen days,returning Home was difficult only in that I lost my support group,a bunch of ill mannered,bad mouthing,evil smelling ,scum of the earth reprobates who shared every miserable day and night in that stinking place ,without them I was lost.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 3 at 2018 10:29 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 22:29:14 -0400

I was very blessed to have no issues returning home, after 11 deployments (most 4-6 months, 2 were 12 months and one was 17) I did get used to deploying since it is the purest expression of our profession. But my faith in God, love of my wife and then love of my kids made me always look forward to coming home. Choosing to have a faith in God changed my outlook on what was important, having a loving and wonderful wife made me know where my priorities should be and having kids made me know being a father was too important to not want to come home. After about 7 deployments my son was old enough to know what I was into and he asked me one night before I left if there were people like on TV that wanted to hurry me and I told him the truth. Then he hugged me and said he wanted me to stay home and away from the “bad place”; that was a game changer and deploying became that much harder. I promised him I would do everything i could to do my best to stay safe, and that the people I served with were the best of the best and would do the same for me. He then changed his mind and said I could go and to tell my friends to make sure we took care of me...and did so for every subsequent deployment. Making me an even better Soldier, Leader and this Father when I came home. I pray you find the same peace and Love in your experience in this most sacred professions. It’s a blessing to be able to come home, as much as being a Soldier in the fight.

Response by Maj John Bell made Oct 3 at 2018 10:39 PM

Maj John Bell — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 22:39:18 -0400

If you mean return to my wife and children, that was never difficult.

If you mean go back to my home town and my father's home, that was uncomfortable after six months of active service. I had little in common with my high school friends, my Dad and brother were great, but my step mom refused to treat me like an adult. I didn't come back again until I was married and had kids of my own. Plus I chose to stay in a hotel. My step mom never forgave me.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 4 at 2018 5:45 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 05:45:45 -0400

I served overseas and stateside during the Cold War, and was activated from AR to RA to FLW during Desert Shield/Storm. That being said: When I realized everyone home thinks a little different than me, even my best friends, was when I realized for some of us there is no going home. Maybe that’s why I peck at this computer at 5:30am before I go to work…

Response by SGT Brian Watkins made Oct 4 at 2018 1:34 PM

SGT Brian Watkins — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 13:34:58 -0400

It happens when the real world stops making sense, and you find clarity in the simplicity of the deployed environment. You start to feel like that's "home", or your preferred environment. Just look at the news headlines, the chaos amongst civilians and most of the trivial problems they manifest i.e. Kim K wore some dress, and Kanye holding a blue cup vs. an orange one... just an example that I would hope to call exaggerated, but sadly would be a plausible scenario. Deployments are straightforward with no distractions except those from external sources i.e. divorce, kids birthdays, etc etc... but the job and day to day living are easy to compartmentalize and keep in tight order.

Response by MAJ Grant Gutkowski made Oct 4 at 2018 3:34 PM

MAJ Grant Gutkowski — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 15:34:14 -0400

When returning from my first deployment, I was eager to be reunited with my wonderful family. Two weeks later I realized that something had fundamentally changed, and couldn't understand people anymore. Oh, language...sure, I understood what they were saying. I couldn't comprehend their motives. Why was my wife getting so upset about matters that seemed completely inconsequential to me. Moreover, I KNEW at one time I had cared about those same inconsequential things. It was like I was speaking and interacting with people through a parallax of detachment and apathy....and when I DID feel, it was like emotion overload. Every single human interaction I had took extreme effort.

It was my second deployment when I realized that I no longer wanted to return.

Response by CPO Mike Castro made Oct 4 at 2018 4:59 PM

CPO Mike Castro — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 16:59:00 -0400

The day after I held my daughter for the 1st time

Response by SGM (R) Antonio Brown made Oct 5 at 2018 11:04 PM

SGM (R) Antonio Brown — Fri, 05 Oct 2018 23:04:23 -0400

During my time I have never had a hard time leaving home or returning home. When I raised my hand and put in the uniform I knew that I would be required to spend a lot of time away. I looked forward to returning home because I wanted to sleep in my own bed, take a shower in my home, eat food that I prepared, and to see family.
Deployments, TDYs, and Field Exercises is my normal and the things that are linked to home is the light at the end of my tunnel.

Response by SFC William Stephens A. Jr., 3 MSM, JSCM made Oct 16 at 2018 1:26 PM

SFC William Stephens A. Jr., 3 MSM, JSCM — Tue, 16 Oct 2018 13:26:58 -0400

when your parents are dead. your the only one left in the family.

Response by SSG Timothy Stevenson made Oct 20 at 2018 4:42 PM

SSG Timothy Stevenson — Sat, 20 Oct 2018 16:42:38 -0400

Always preferred to be deployed than home station....no BS to deal with.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 20 at 2018 9:36 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 20 Oct 2018 21:36:45 -0400

That change started for me on my first deployment. after 12 months focusing on nothing but my job, which i enjoyed immensely, returning to garrison or even going to home to see family became a test of will. I love the environment of deployment. you wake up and your only duty is to do your job. you dont care about making friends or meeting social obligations. all i needed to focus on was my job, whatever stolen movie or TV series i wanted to watch later sleep and eat. when youre home... you have to guard what you say to keep from hurting or offending family... you feel forced to spend time with them and sate their desire to be with you... pulled in so many different directions that you end up on edge more than you were in fighting season. not to mention, if you are cursed with talking in your sleep, trying to suppress your nightmares so they dont have to know. combat, you know who you are, where you rank, where everyone else ranks, and you know your enemy. life is easier there.

Response by COL Barry Johnson made Oct 22 at 2018 11:48 AM

COL Barry Johnson — Mon, 22 Oct 2018 11:48:17 -0400

Chaplain, this is a great string and a question I haven't seen asked elsewhere. From 2001-13, I voluntarily deployed repeatedly -- Macedonia, Gitmo, Iraq, Iraq, Iraq, Iraq, Afghanistan...and then into retirement. I would have deployed more if I could, but I was burned out by the end of it. One rationale for this behavior, I was divorced and it just made sense to me that if not with my kids I should be away soldiering. And once on that cycle, I never felt as if I had given enough while others were still doing the job. I felt I was at my best when deployed. It wasn't healthy and made life hard and dysfunctional when back home. Going straight into retirement from deployment was particularly hard. It takes a toll and now my health is at a point where I can barely function. Everybody has their own reasons for wanting to be on that rollercoaster of deployments, but sooner or later you have to get off the ride and it probably isn't going to be pretty. Which is where I hope you come in and help.

Response by SSgt Liam Babington made Nov 3 at 2018 9:11 AM

SSgt Liam Babington — Sat, 03 Nov 2018 09:11:30 -0400

There is a shift in mindset! One MUST relearn to settle back into normal life at home. Seeing the dynamics between home life and development life is key! Don’t be afraid to be human and explain to your Beloved and your kids that it takes time to adjust back! It takes the time it takes! I speak from experience! Be brave to reach out and get support from those around you! Be clear with your chain of command what you are doing sir there is NO miscommunication.

Response by CPT Bobby Fields made Nov 6 at 2018 12:56 PM

CPT Bobby Fields — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 12:56:10 -0500

It is hard to point to a specific point for each person, but their is a neurological process that is very real involving how our brains are literally re-trained for the survival skills that we need in a deployed environment. Hypervigilance, placing unconditional trust in our fellow service members, having our HPA Axis activated on a regular basis (and subsequent adrenaline dump), these are things that aren't required for our very survival back home. Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth touched on how much things change when we get home, and it is much harder to, 1) develop and maintain the skills to deal with that, and 2) get the unconditional assistance you get in a deployed environment to deal with the grind. I hate to use the word "institutionalized", but we are absolutely conditioned to do certain things automatically and home life isn't in that realm. We are become hard-wired neurologically because we have to in order to survive, and we can't undo that neurological process overnight just because we are back home safe.

I had two six-month deployments, and I was single for both of them and got out in 2005 so I can't personally relate to the volume of change, stresses of military family life and the length of deployments that so many of my Army Brothers and Sisters endured. I've spent the greater part of the past 10 years working with my fellow veterans and their families, as well as the active duty population and members of the reserve component. What I see all of the time mirrors the comments everyone posted so far, and it culminates with the challenge of transitioning from active duty, whether it is after a handful of years in uniform or an entire career. As difficult as the outside world perceives our military lives to be, it is actually pretty simple and in some ways easy because we often love it so much. I am not minimizing our service, rather pointing to what drives us. The sense of duty we feel makes it much easier to embrace the suck, but it is very overwhelming to embrace the uncertainty of redeployment and the unavoidable uncertainty of transition.

Response by CDR Michael Goldschmidt made Nov 25 at 2018 9:53 AM

CDR Michael Goldschmidt — Sun, 25 Nov 2018 09:53:04 -0500

It's called PTSD. It can come after the first deployment, the last deployment, no deployments, or never come. Every servicemember is different. Every servicemember faces different stresses and it takes some much longer before the camel's back breaks. It's just one of the realities of living under constant stress. This is what author Robert Henlein (a former Naval Officer, Destroyer-type Communications guy like me) labeled TINSTAAFL (There Is No Such Thing as a Free Lunch), although I'm not sure he meant it quite the same way. Eventually, everyone must pay the Piper. Some of us pay this way.