Being friendly vs being a friend

2015-01-20T08:21:47-05:00

Has anybody had any issues where they ended up being too much of a friend to a subordinate and it ended up biting them in the butt later on, i.e.; with counseling's, mentorship? How did you recover and how do you handle subordinates now? How thin is the line between being "friendly" and being a "friend?" Where should you draw the line?

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 20 at 2015 8:50 AM

2015-01-20T08:50:41-05:00

That is always a tough line especially after over 13 years of war SFC Private RallyPoint Member.

I keep my distance by not doing too much outside of work. Sometimes this is difficult but it ensures that the proper distance is kept.

I do explain this to my subordinates though on why I am do things the way I do.

Response by COL Jason Smallfield, PMP, CFM, CM made Jan 20 at 2015 9:04 AM

2015-01-20T09:04:55-05:00

Some thoughts:
- Difference between being friendly vs being a friend is similar to being a parent. A parent should have a good relationship with their child but should never be their child's "buddy".
- The line between the two has a few different warning sign indicators such as: using each other's first name (ever), spending time off duty together outside of official unit events, and favoritism either way on the job.
- Being friendly can include such authorized items/events such as Right Arm Night and inquiring about what is going on with the subordinate's personal life.
- I do not believe the line between being friendly and being a friend is all that thin. See below.
- The line is where a professional relationship is no longer conducted in a professional manner.

Response by CPT Richard Riley made Jan 20 at 2015 9:05 AM

2015-01-20T09:05:16-05:00

"Friendly" is always a good thing, a nice, honorable human trait. Being a friend to another takes on the meaning of how the two individuals ascribe to it. In the situation you describe there may be an issue that crosses the boundary - but the end result for both should be a common sense approach.
When you are in the position of being a subordinate it is possible your expectation of 'receiving a break or cutting some slack' is misplaced. It says something about you as a person if that expectation is present.

Response by TSgt Joshua Copeland made Jan 20 at 2015 9:16 AM

2015-01-20T09:16:05-05:00

The easiest way to avoid crossing the line is to simply avoid subordinates outside of work. I have never had it "bite me", but I did have a situation that could have. A troop in my unit that I have known for 8 years as was friends with because prior to the AFSC shake up in the cyber community I could never be assigned over him. After the mergers, he was assigned to the same AFSC as me, but still didn't work for me. Several years later, due to standard personnel moves, me both moved in to the same section with me as the supervisor. To prevent any issues, during our first feedback session, I set up pretty hard and fast boundaries so that neither of us got in trouble. The first was that we could no longer do things off duty together unless it was a shop, squadron, or private org function. While we never had referred to each other by first name at work, I reemphasized that due to the change in our professional relationship, it is no longer appropriate to use first names outside of work either.

Did it suck? yep.
Was it the right thing to do? you betcha!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 21 at 2015 4:00 AM

2015-01-21T04:00:00-05:00

Thanks for all the advise everybody, great responses!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 21 at 2015 4:13 AM

2015-01-21T04:13:52-05:00

That is a pitfall that probably every leader has either been affect by or been close to it.

To get out of that pitfall, as soon as you realize it, sit down with the subordinate and give it to them straight. If they respect you, they'll understand.

The hardest, that I have found, is being peers with someone and then getting promoted and becoming their leader. You will have to distance yourself off duty and remain authoritative on duty. You can still be friendly and authoritative. Ignore any negative comments or sentiments like "he got promoted and it went to his head" or "he forgot where he came from." Focus on the mission and your role in it and you should be fine.

Remember, a frank conversation can take care of a lot of problems.

Great question, by the way