Best advice for a single parent in the Infantry? I can't be the only one out there.

2016-01-08T14:23:37-05:00

Response by LTC Stephen F. made Jan 8 at 2016 2:28 PM

2016-01-08T14:28:39-05:00

I was a single parent later in my career SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member>
1. Do your best to love your child/children.
2. Talk respectfully about your ex-spouse whether alive or dead. This will help your daughter as she grows up in more ways than we can possibly know.
3. Try to fulfil your promises to your child and ask for forgiveness when you screw up.
4. Develop habits or firmly establish ones such as reading to your child in the evening before bed time.
5. Try to be consistent in as many areas as possible - this will help your child to feel that she is in a stable home.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 8 at 2016 2:39 PM

2016-01-08T14:39:03-05:00

She's beautiful, so carry a gun!
Wasn't in the infantry, but I wish you the best of luck!

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 8 at 2016 2:46 PM

2016-01-08T14:46:16-05:00

I count not imagine being a single parent and being an 11B, that's just crazy, good luck. I have seen some other Soldiers that worked as administrators and supply that their leadership made it possible for them to get off work every day by 1600 to accommodate and in one instance, I've seen them give them the option to do PT on their own. I don't ever see that happening to a grunt on the line.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jan 8 at 2016 2:50 PM

2016-01-08T14:50:41-05:00

You need to designate a viable and reliable guardian should you be deployed or be sent TDY, and fill out a Family Care Program.

Response by SGT Jesse Velasquez made Jan 8 at 2016 4:17 PM

2016-01-08T16:17:05-05:00

Hey man, In my 9 year in the infantry I have never had kids nor did I ever serve with anyone who was a single parent. I just want to express my sincere admiration, it takes a strong minded and willed person to take on such a responsibility. How long do you plan on staying in? Well, what ever you plans are, I just want to wish you all the best of luck man.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 8 at 2016 4:18 PM

2016-01-08T16:18:18-05:00

I was a single parent my entire enlistment, being in a different state without a caregiver, or enough parenting time on paper it sucked! I would go months at a time without seeing my daughter, excluding deployment. Always being able to talk with her on the phone or FaceTime with her helped so much. Having an awesome support group of friends, keeping yourself busy (infantry does that on its own) and remembering you are doing it all for the little one, that makes it a little easier.

Response by SFC Thomas Howes made Jan 8 at 2016 4:36 PM

2016-01-08T16:36:18-05:00

Make sure you have a really good family care plan and I commend you on taking care of you daughter may god keep you in his loving arms

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 8 at 2016 5:13 PM

2016-01-08T17:13:51-05:00

^ Do lots of stuff like what I see in that picture you posted! ^
As a single dad myself, I am learning a lot on the fly.
I find the toughest adjustment so far is not having the option to hand off the kids when I find myself getting frustrated. Taking the time to pause and take a measured (not angry) approach is a tough new trick to learn for this old dog. But it is essential.

I will say that it has been a beautiful blessing to spend so much more time with them than before. Puts the time lost to deployments and field exercises much more in perspective.
Don't waste what will be one of the best parts of your life. Play your cards right, and that beautiful little girl will see this as a happy time too.

The picture I attached is me with two of the three kids at my daughter's 9th birthday at the Rainforest Café last year...two days after I got the divorce papers. I decided that my little girl was going to have a happy birthday no matter what. And we had a great time, even if their mother wasn't there.
Her 10th is tomorrow, and we have big plans to go sledding. Filling this past year - it has been very trying - with happy memories for them was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Response by SFC Joseph McCausland made Jan 8 at 2016 8:47 PM

2016-01-08T20:47:31-05:00

Put you paper work in for "field recruiter". Where ever you're stationed (you can even request assignment back to your hometown) you can move your little princess with you.

I stayed a recruiter for ten years of my 22 year career and regardless of what you may have heard, if you do it right, you could turn your new assignment into a little more than an 40 hrs work week.

Once you have a proven track record as a successful recruiter, converting to 00R will be a snap and who knows, if you decide to make it a career, you may find that your last assignment before retirement is Sergeant's Major of a Recruiting Battalion.

Chances are that being SGT(P) you will be snagged for DI or Recruiter anyway, this way you get to choose which one.

Check out my LinkedIn profile.

Best of luck SGT(P)

Response by SGM Mikel Dawson made Jan 8 at 2016 8:52 PM

2016-01-08T20:52:28-05:00

SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member I got no kids, but the next time you get your pony to Denmark, I'll shoe it for free! And if I was you, I'd keep a shotgun behind the door with such a good looking kid like yours, she's going to have to beat the boys off with a stick (or you will).

Response by PVT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 8 at 2016 9:02 PM

2016-01-08T21:02:53-05:00

I have mad respect for you brother. I have a son who's currently living with his mom and even though it has crossed my mind to seek custody, I don't know how to properly care for him as an infantryman. I'm sure you are not the only one and a lot of brothers in here should be able to provide better response than I can but in the mean time I'll be following this post to read how others adapted and overcame the challenges.

Response by Capt Brandon Charters made Jan 8 at 2016 10:50 PM

2016-01-08T22:50:45-05:00

SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member - This is my new favorite thread. Really a great topic to put out there for everyone.
Looks like you have a real blessing on your hands there.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 8 at 2016 10:55 PM

2016-01-08T22:55:09-05:00

LTC Ford made some major points in his response, I will print those and place somewhere in your bedroom. I will add:
1. You are the father, not the mother. Therefore, do not try to be both, as you cannot.
2. Because of #1, keep the mother in her life as much as possible. Find good female role models and mentors for her.
3. Do not cave in because you feel guilty. That means no TV or computer in her room, no cell phone with text or internet, never alone with boys or older girls.
4. At times she may seem more mature or well behave than other girls, but remember, she still that. Keep your eyes open, do not ever believe that your child is not capable of doing things. I learned that lesson the hard way.
5. Put God at the center of your household. When you are not there, she will have always someone to talk to.
This is from a former Child Abuse Investigator and father of three boys. God bless!

Response by SSG Kristell Lee made Jan 9 at 2016 12:29 AM

2016-01-09T00:29:19-05:00

I'm not infantry but I'm dual mil which is almost like a single parent. It's hard, it sucks, and for you I bet it's worse. be patient in those long days when you're exhausted but have to read with her and cook and get her stuff ready. When you're not so busy try to spend quality time with her, take her to do fun stuff. Always ask her how was school. She might not care to share much but she'll know you care even if you're tired. Create a routine if you can. Pick a song a jam to it together, make it your song.. Wait, no, that's the Latino in me lol

Response by SFC Pete Kain made Jan 9 at 2016 1:03 AM

2016-01-09T01:03:39-05:00

I served with a single parent in the 90's, we were both 13F's, From what I saw. Have a strong support backup plan. The mission always came first. Not saying it can't be done but be prepared for the challenges.

Response by CSM Stuart C. O'Black made Jan 10 at 2016 12:30 AM

2016-01-10T00:30:57-05:00

I applaud your tenacity to make both work - I'm not in the infantry but here are some comments and a couple words of advice below.
A single parent in the minds of a lot of leadership comes with some baggage in terms of perception and reality - wrong or not it is there. Again don't take it the wrong way but a lot of COCs understand your predicament but they just don't expect it to matter. After all - they did not put you in that predicament! Therefore, they don't want it to become their problem any more than any other parent, Soldier etc... With that being said on the opposite end I have seen Soldiers / NCOs get more credit/respect on the backside with comments like "and he is a single parent too". Now for some words of advice.

1. Make sure you have a great support network and an emergency plan. The "I can't because of my kid" will only last once. Adequate Family care plan etc... is a given but its the short term issues that pop up a NCO needs to handle that can bite you in the Arse.
2. Look at your career path and decided if this is a long term commitment to the Military and being a Parent how are you going to balance them. DON'T wing it have a plan for both so you can discuss it with your leadership and Daughter as she grows up. Discuss openly so she will understand if commitments to events either way are broken. Don't make promises you can't keep because she will think they are meaningless. Also, plan vacations and holidays to have an event to look forward to and include the extended family - with the understand of previous comment.
3. Look at recruiting etc... once you make SSG and ALC if not completed. You will need a career broadening assignment so look into one that is more conducive to being a single parent. As opposed to the Army finding one for you. Also, there are alternatives like the NCOA or WTU at the same location for some stability. You are going to need to follow the 11 Series Career path if you want to continue with promotions so don't let this slow you down.
4. Find a good mentor that understands where you are coming from and can hear you bitches, grips and complaints and offer advice. That way you don't have t vent to your PSG etc... and they take it for more than it is - just expressing natural frustrations. Someone not in your COC usually works best but not always.
5. Do some deep soul searching and see if the military and family will work for you - DON'T think switching MOS will make it easier. There are some MOS's that will have less impact but you are still an NCO and Soldiers and expected to , deploy, field exercises etc... If you can't make it work in your current MOS than switching won't help.
FINALLY: Don't and I mean don't hook up and get married to soon again because you think it makes sense. Convenience marriages not matter how you make it sound like love are not the answer.

Best of Luck and take care of your girl, she deserves the best.

CSM OB

Response by SGT Janet Sonntag made Jan 10 at 2016 12:47 PM

2016-01-10T12:47:06-05:00

As a single parent in the military, time is important. I would set aside hour /2 hours of "hangout time" with my oldest-we'd watch movies, play video games, read books, toys whatever he wanted.

Response by SGT George Phillips made Jan 12 at 2016 12:22 AM

2016-01-12T00:22:05-05:00

best I can offer is stay in that babys life as much as posiable, and let her be her !

Response by SSG Brian Kresge made Jan 12 at 2016 7:25 AM

2016-01-12T07:25:34-05:00

A lot of advice here is great parenting advice, but not realistic when it comes to being an infantry soldier. I went through this, and ultimately, it meant a break in service until I remarried. Don't get me wrong, you can "make" it work, as in the sad reality that other people end up raising your child.

Unless you are stationed near relatives, or they are able to help, the care plan becomes a major issue. If infantry were truly a 9-5 gig, it would be easier, but how often is that a reality? Training cycles especially are rough, because at least deployment is a lot more predictable. And what happens when you have to defer on an unaccompanied overseas tour more than once?

My advice is to work to transfer into a CSS field that doesn't deploy or spend considerable amounts of time engaged in long or extended field training. It's very difficult to meaningfully commit to both infantry and single-parenting simultaneously.

Response by Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth made Jan 12 at 2016 10:41 AM

2016-01-12T10:41:38-05:00

First of all, what a beautiful little blessing you have there in your life. It is evident in your comments that you adore her and want to be the best "daddy" you can be...one day she will look back and see the sacrifices you have made and love you even more. I never was in infantry and I am not a single parent so I have no words of wisdom for either one of those, other than don't cave in out of guilt. I cannot imagine the stressors that come with it.
My suggestion to you is that you look for another MOS. I can tell you love the infantry and the Army but you love your child more. As much as the Army needs good soldiers in the infantry, they need good soldiers every where else as well. A bullet isn't fired without support!!! I spent several years in recruiting and it is workable for a family. Logistics and supply/Comm/Personnel/ There are others out there as well where you can support the Army and still have a single parent life. Sorry I can't state any more than that but good luck and take care of that precious God given gift you have because trust me, when the Army is done with you, your family will be there!!!

Response by Cpl Tracey Chapman made Jan 13 at 2016 8:56 AM

2016-01-13T08:56:01-05:00

Marine corp league best bet

Response by SSG Timothy Miller made Jan 14 at 2016 2:39 PM

2016-01-14T14:39:30-05:00

One day at a time; make your child numero uno, because after the dust settles, she will be the one constant in your life. Keep a good support system around you. If you deploy, make sure there is a plan in place for someone you trust, to take her while your away.

Start working toward another career. May not be something you want to hear, but, the military is not conducive to single parent families. Always, have a plan, ready to implement and take it as it comes. Even out of the service, it would still be challenging. But, the outside is a democracy. The service is NOT.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 15 at 2016 8:16 AM

2016-04-15T08:16:44-04:00

I've had a couple Soldiers who were male and single parents, even when I commanded in the 172 Infantry Brigade. Regardless of gender or MOS, KNOW THE REGULATION 600-20.
Have multiple layers of short and long term care providers, and a very specific letter of instruction in your care packet. You never know what will happen, and whether when it comes to needing care they back out. Make a specific Will and ensure your designated reps will care for the child and manage the money, rather than take it and "run."
I've been a single parent in the Army for 12 years now, without any assistance from the father. I am currently on my 3rd deployment away from my child. I spent 6 years in Germany and the next 3 1/2 in Hawaii...so more OCONUS, than CONUS. I deployed twice out of Germany.
When looking into child care, the in home care providers do often provide overnight for up to a certain number of days. This is normally reliable, as the homes are regularly inspected and certified. Plus you can interview them as well. A great option for field exercises. I've found several reliable care providers at Care.com. Also, make sure you get the NEO passports for all dependents.
As a commander, I had 22 single or dual military families (FCPs). I only had problems with one single parent....he just couldn't figure it out.
Find other single parents, might be a little different since there aren't too many male single parents in the military...but work the deal of when you need help and trade off.
I plan just about everything, to build a consistency. Schedules will help get things moving in the mornings especially. I've never missed a FTX, deployment, pee test, meeting, or anything else. And rarely had issues with my single or dual military parents. We all put in more to overcome the perception.
We have Friday night sleep outs in the living room with a movie and pizza.
Take 2 weeks leave every summer and go somewhere with your child.
When I was in Hawaii, I sent my son home to Ohio for several weeks to have fun with his cousins and uncles and pampered/babied by his aunts. This maintained our relationship with the long term care providers too...makes it more home like and less scary when I do deploy.
Ask. Ask for advice. Ask for help.
I see you have a daughter, so learn to braid and get the book, "That's My Girl" by Rick Johnson (Amazon has it). There's a similar one for moms with boys, "That's My Son."
Play Barbies (or whatever she like). I have to know all about StarWars, Super Heroes, Minecraft, and Five Nights, etc....
I never ever make negative comments about my son's father. He doesn't know his father. I simply say, "There's nothing wrong with you. We are not responsible for making others responsible. But you have uncles and grandpa who love you so much. God put you here with me for a reason." (Of course, make it towards your situation.)
Join Girls Scouts, American Girls, or something similar. We do Boy Scouts bc I figure 100+ years of experience teaching boys, they should know what a boy needs to know and it's positive male influence...and he gets to do boy things. Plus it's positive goals and guidance, teaches independence and basic things everyone needs to know. I was a Den Leader / Akela for 3 1/2 years too.
I definitely wish I would have read more with my son.
I search for positive male role models...keeping safety in mind at all times.
If you can't do the math homework, get help rather than frustrated with her...makes it SOOOOO much easier.