Can a leader tell me I am attractive or ask me my dating status?

2020-05-13T18:42:25-04:00

I have a senior leader that has asked me1.). Do you find yourself attractive?2.). Are you dating anyone?3.). Are you dating at all? Is there anything I can do?

These comment would be inappropriate. If they continue they could be considered sexual harassment. They can also be prejudicial to the good order and discipline of the unit. I have provided an extract of AR 600-20 below for your review.

AR 600-20 provides the following guidance:

7–5. Categories of sexual harassment
a. Verbal. Examples of verbal sexual harassment may include telling sexual jokes; using sexually explicit profanity, threats, sexually oriented cadences, or sexual comments; whistling in a sexually suggestive manner; and describing certain attributes of one’s physical appearance in a sexual manner. Verbal sexual harassment may also include using terms of endearment such as “honey”, “babe”, “sweetheart”, “dear”, “stud”, or “hunk” in referring to Soldiers, civilian co-workers, or Family members.

b. Hostile environment.
A hostile environment occurs when Soldiers or civilians are subjected to offensive, unwanted and unsolicited comments, or behaviors of a sexual nature. If these behaviors unreasonably interfere with their performance, regardless of whether the harasser and the victim are in the same workplace, then the environment is classified as hostile. A hostile environment brings the topic of sex or gender differences into the workplace in any one of a number of forms. It does not necessarily include the more blatant acts of “quid pro quo”; it normally includes nonviolent, gender-biased sexual behaviors (for example, the use of derogatory gender-biased terms, comments about body parts, suggestive pictures, explicit jokes, and unwanted touching).
7–7. Techniques of dealing with sexual harassment All Soldiers and civilians have a responsibility to help resolve acts of sexual harassment. Examples of how to accomplish this follows:

a. Direct approach. Confront the harasser and tell them that the behavior is not appreciated, not welcomed and that it must stop. Stay focused on the behavior and its impact. Use common courtesy. Write down thoughts before approaching the individual involved.

b. Indirect approach. Send a letter to the harasser stating the facts, personal feelings about the inappropriate behavior and expected resolution.

c. Third party. Request assistance from another person. Ask someone else to talk to the harasser, to accompany the victim, or to intervene on behalf of the victim to resolve the conflict.

d. Chain of command. Report the behavior to immediate supervisor or others in chain of command and ask for assistance in resolving the situation.

e. Filing a formal complaint. Details for filing an informal or formal complaint are included in appendix D.

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can-a-leader-ask-if-i-am-dating-someone

I have a senior leader that has asked me 1.). Do you find yourself attractive? 2.). Are you dating anyone? 3.). Are you dating at all?

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2020 6:47 PM

2020-05-13T18:47:30-04:00

Those words would NEVER come out of my mouth when speaking to another SM.

Response by CSM Mark Gerecht made May 13 at 2020 6:48 PM

2020-05-13T18:48:53-04:00

SFC Livingstion - Totally agree with you. Unfortunately some leaders don't get it.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2020 7:45 PM

2020-05-13T19:45:03-04:00

I have experienced this type of leadership, it's very unfortunate because as a lower enlisted soldier I lose a lot of respect for said senior leader and actually get treated differently when I "reject" or don't play into their question's.... it actually happens more over social media than face to face... which I think is quite ignorant since everything is in solid writing. So a good rule of thumb I use for myself is to not add senior leaders on my private social media platforms.

Response by CW2 Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2020 9:54 PM

2020-05-13T21:54:41-04:00

To make light of the topic... What if it were a Marine asking those questions to a 64 pack of Crayolas with the built in sharpener?

Response by SGM Steve Wettstein made May 14 at 2020 12:11 PM

2020-05-14T12:11:21-04:00

Back in the day when I was doing Town Patrol in Itaewon, one night a female kept asking me out even after I told her I was married. Later that night she grabbed my ass, which really pissed me off because I was an on duty MP. I put her at parade rest and got her ID. She turned out to be a SSG and I was a SPC. I asked her if I had grabbed her ass what she would have done? She told me she would have probably slapped me. But in her mind it was OK to do it to a guy. A similar thing happened back in my SFC bodybuilding days. A woman grabbed my chest when I was at a bar. I turned to her and really ripped her a new one. Asked her what she would do if I grabbed her chest. Her answer was that she would slap the shit outa me. So I said, "then what gives you the f'n right to touch me." Some people just don't get it, you don't touch what is not yours.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 14 at 2020 12:43 PM

2020-05-14T12:43:38-04:00

I guess it depends on where on the spectrum you want to choose. Solve the problem quietly or drop the nuclear bomb and let the CG's office get involved. I had a few enlisted female soldiers and a 2LT hit on me, but I squashed it by saying they were forbidden fruit.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 14 at 2020 12:48 PM

2020-05-14T12:48:02-04:00

Is she hot? lol

Response by SGT Robert Pryor made May 20 at 2020 8:55 AM

2020-05-20T08:55:47-04:00

This looks like a fraternization issue as well. At least potentially fraternization.

Response by PO1 Ada Hewlett made May 27 at 2020 5:22 AM

2020-05-27T05:22:28-04:00

Always the first step in any given situation where behavior is considered harassing, uncomfortable, unprofessional, and sexual in nature is to let the individual(s) know immediately it is not appreciated, unwarranted, and unacceptable. Be specific as to what part of their behavior is creating an uncomfortable environment (what they or saying or doing to you or others).

Rank does not have its privileges and being a senior member they should already be aware of that. Make note of the day, time and location and what was said and why, including names of any future witnesses to the fact.

I would upon letting my feelings be known to the senior member expect a changed behavior in a more professional light. However, this may or may not happen. You must by all means file a complaint if it continues. Document everything.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made May 27 at 2020 9:09 AM

2020-05-27T09:09:05-04:00

The answers to the questions should have been. 1) yes. 2) not your business. 3) Still not your business. Respectfully I don’t appreciate your questions or comments. Please stop. May I be excused?

Go immediately from that situation to the SHARP person in your unit and report.

Response by MSG Rick Vanwhy made Jun 29 at 2022 2:19 AM

2022-06-29T02:19:10-04:00

Question one is kinda grey area and question 2is definitely over the line and question 3 could also be grey area because he did not say what help, he tried to ask the questions so he could argue if you went to file a complaint which he would definitely get himself in trouble because the questions should never be asked by any Soldier to another on duty ever

Response by CPL Marcellus Jordan made Sep 21 at 2022 10:00 AM

2022-09-21T10:00:07-04:00

Awesome, detailed response!

Response by SFC Casey O'Mally made Jan 10 at 2023 9:15 AM

2023-01-10T09:15:28-05:00

Those questions, like almost everything, comes down to context.

On the surface all of those questions are inappropriate. However I can envision a scenario in which each of them is not only appropriate, it is recommended.

Remember, today's Army wants us to know our Soldiers. They want us to not only be first line leaders, but also first line counselors / therapists. They want us to know if Joe is dating a stripper. How do we fulfill these expectations without asking questions?

Response by SSG Eric Blue made Jun 3 at 2023 12:26 AM

2023-06-03T00:26:32-04:00

A leader can ask you pretty much anything they want, just like any other human. However, you don't have to answer their question if and when it doesn't pertain to the mission.

Response by A1C Medrick "Rick" DeVaney made Jun 3 at 2023 3:11 PM

2023-06-03T15:11:51-04:00

Let's Simplify This.
I've Had Nothing But Respect & Results By Asking This:
" If You Have Time For Coffee, I'm Buying If You'd Like
To Come Along And Chat For Awhile".
.
EASY To Use & It Works Both Ways...
It AIN'T Sexual Harassment, Either.
It's An Invitation For A Cup Of Coffee... That's IT..

Response by 1stSgt Michael Shafer made Jul 1 at 2023 12:00 AM

2023-07-01T00:00:49-04:00

Well said CSM! There is no place for this type of behavior in our military, regardless of rank or position.