Can anyone give me advice, insight, or help with Divorce/Custody?

PFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 28 Feb 2020 19:03:03 -0500

Hello Everyone, I really need to make this post because maybe some of you have experienced it, maybe not. I am a PFC and im 23 years old. I got married in DEC2018 right after AIT. Like most people money wasn't something I thought about when I got married, it was love. Fast forward to my first duty station, I quickly realized how much money I truly made and how much debt both I and my spouse had. I asked her to pick up a job to help with the bills and she declined with "I do not feel comfortable working here". I tried to brush this off my shoulder but the stress doesn't disappear, it felt unfair because she had at least 10k of premarital debt that she put on me. I begged for months for help but nothing. I could afford the bills but it was really taking a LARGE chunk out of our pay. After countless arguments, I recommended marriage counseling and again she declined with "Why let someone else tell us how to live our lives". Let me pause for a second. *Her mother also married a military man and never worked and her mother despises me for trying to get her daughter to work*. We then find out my spouse was pregnant (yes he's mine) my spouse becomes sick for a couple of months until she is given a medicine that helps her feel 80%. Once she started feeling better I tried to explain the finances again especially because we were about to have a child in 9 months. We disagreed and I ended up sending her home because she wasn't happy here anymore. She left in JULY 2019 and promised to work there because she felt more comfortable. I visited a couple of times at her house but her mother again treated me like shit and humiliated me multiple times. I explained to my spouse that I would no longer communicate with her mother for her poor actions. After this, my spouse said every month, too this day that she was going to find a job. We were discussing Divorce at this point because I felt like this marriage was a scam. She even admitted that the only reason her parents let me marry her was because they thought I was going to let her stay at the house. We both have debt, as an adult, I felt like we both are responsible. She is (23) I came to see my son be born JAN2020, He is perfect. However, My spouse restricted when I could and could not see him. I wasn't allowed to take him over to my parent's house or grandparents' house who live less than a mile away. After my paternity leave ended, She had not once taken our son to see my family. She won't discuss any agreements for our son. I find it unfair that she is doing that, secluding the child from my family. My mother has contacted her but no answer. I made my chain of command aware of this so many times that I lost count. Nothing Big Army can do for me. I understand were soldiers and we are mentally tough but think how scary it is to call over ten attorneys and have them tell you that you aren't going to get good custody if you don't move closer. I brought this up again to my chain but of course, I don't qualify for any reassignment. Every day I find it hard to focus on my mission because my son is true with a maniac. My chain knows this. Her brother threatened me by saying he would make sure I don't see my son anymore, Her father saying I will pay for the court proceedings. HRC? No answer, never an answer. Another issue we had was that my spouse bought a new car without my knowledge. Come to find out that this car was in her dad's name and all her family was on the insurance. I told my spouse that we won't pay unless he only puts your name on this car, she declined so I stopped paying for this car. This was the first time I have ever stepped up to her parents and my spouse says "You can only come over when my dad isn't home". Yeah, she lives with mommy and daddy and still doesn't work. I wasn't allowed to spend the night with her when she brought our son home. Restricted. Im ok, Im not depressed or in very bad pain but I just am disappointed that no one can help me. I really don't want to lose my son and from the sound of it, I am going to. Regardless of me having all of the evidence in text messages, it isn't looking good for me. We are on opposite sides of the country. Maybe someone has gone through this that can give me some insight or some good words of wisdom, or maybe help me out. I am currently looking for attorneys in CA but they are charging in the thousands and it doesn't guarantee anything. Thanks for listening. I just feel like I've tried everything and there is nothing that can be done.

Response by LtCol Robert Quinter made Feb 28 at 2020 9:14 PM

LtCol Robert Quinter — Fri, 28 Feb 2020 21:14:25 -0500

Have you tried base legal or the Chaplain. The Chaplains' staff has probably been through it many times and may have some contacts

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Feb 28 at 2020 9:24 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Fri, 28 Feb 2020 21:24:20 -0500

I doubt the army will accommodate you by moving you closer to her. JAG does not involve themselves in civil matters. You absolutely need an attorney to figure out your parental rights, debts, and child support payments. Start writing a journal in regards to the child, wife, and her family for evidence. Keep your head up as divorce can be inordinately stressful.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 29 at 2020 4:59 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 29 Feb 2020 04:59:21 -0500

How much time do you have on your contract?
I recommend get a good lawyer and go for as much custody as you can get.
I got out of the Army at 17 years active to get 50/50 100% worth it.

Response by GySgt Kenneth Pepper made Feb 29 at 2020 12:23 PM

GySgt Kenneth Pepper — Sat, 29 Feb 2020 12:23:24 -0500

Not picking on you, but this letter should be posted as a warning for every young SM out there to read as a precautionary tale.
It is very doubtful you will get physical custody. Even so, you must not give up your parental rights. If you do you will be pushed out of the picture, especially if (when) she remarries.
It will be very difficult to remain an active parent long distance, especially since you never had a chance to bond. Try to find someone that can help you stay in touch, maybe an aunt or uncle or family friend.
Send letters. Actual paper letters. Just tell him about who you are and that you want to be part of his life. When your son is old enough to read he may find a connection. It's a long shot, but what do you have to lose?
Good luck to you.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Feb 29 at 2020 4:32 PM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Sat, 29 Feb 2020 16:32:27 -0500

PFC Private RallyPoint Member you need to decide if you want to remain married to the mother of your son. If you don't, SGT Robert Johnson provided excellent advice. If you do, then here's my advice.

You need to take leadership of your family in a loving way. Care for your wife as well as you care for yourself. Your family leadership should be firm, but kind. Take the initiative to work out this situation. Talk to your wife without her parents around so you can understand what she is experiencing and what she believes. Listen to her words and emotions. Her emotional situation during the first few months after giving birth may be somewhat chaotic. I think she needs a good husband to lead her. Think through how you can work out various issues while geographically separated. Eventually you may be able to encourage her to return to where you are.

With a new baby, it's good for your wife to not work. The child needs his Mom and she needs him. The bond will last a lifetime. The support of her parents is good, but encourage her to live with you. The cost of child care and working are high. It may actually be cheaper for her to stay home, particularly if she doesn't have any experience or skills that would demand a high salary.

The financial situation appears difficult, but it can be worked out. You should implement some of SGT Robert Johnson's ideas whether or not you stay married. This comes under the heading of tuff love. I'm guessing you both were not prepared to manage family finances when you got married. Your paycheck won't go as far as you would like.
-Do open a separate bank account in your name only and have your pay sent to that account.
-Do determine an appropriate amount you will provide for child support and make an allotment for that amount to her (DoD will send it direct to her bank account)
-Do seek family financial management help. The family support center may offer financial management classes. Crown Financial (https://www.crown.org) has lots of on-line help for families. We used them early in our marriage with good results.
-It's true you don't own the debt she brought to the marriage (not in a joint account); however, as the family leader, you need to make sure it gets paid off in a responsible way.
If your wife and child return to live with you and you manage your money as a team, probably for a year, then you could change the new account you opened to a joint account and stop the allotment.

Her parent's interference in your marriage tells me they possibly haven't accepted the idea of their "little girl" growing up, getting married, and moving away. Consequently, they have pulled her back into their home and are essentially holding her and your son hostage. You and your wife need to work out a solution to this situation. She will need to choose between you and her parents. This is a very difficult choice. The best thing would be for your wife to move back to where you are. You need to make this as easy for her as you can. Recommend you encourage your wife and son to visit you soon for a few weeks. If possible take some leave during the visit for one-on-one time with your wife and to bond with your son. She needs to see your military life as an adventure in which she can participate.

Recommend you see a Chaplain soon. Army Chaplains may provide family counseling, but have access to behavioral and legal professionals that might help you. At least you should find the Chaplain to be a kind and understanding person to talk with you.

Why listen to my advice: My wife and I were married when we were 18. My first daughter was born on my 19th Birthday. I was married through college and 22 years of Air Force active duty. We raised three kids into responsible adults and now have 6 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren. We experienced financial problems, but got ourselves headed in the right direction. Also, went through several other marital challenges. We will celebrate our 54th anniversary this year.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 2 at 2020 4:42 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Mar 2020 16:42:44 -0500

Sorry to hear that your spouse is cutting you and your family off from your son.
I concur with the others on deciding if you have a future married to this woman or not.
Do start a new account and transfer your pay, but do not cut her off completely - you can 'allot' money to the shared account or another form or providing her with minimum finds. The Army does have a regulation on supporting dependents and there are consequences if you don't. Finances are not going to get any easier right now, but you can prevent yourself from further debt (new cars).
To save money, some divorce lawyers will do a free initial consult to review the situation and make recommendations. It will also be cheaper to hire a lawyer in the county she is living in. Some states require a minimum amount of time residing in the area before you can file. Look up the county requirements online - do your research.
You will not be denied access to your son unless she can prove you are unfit - you probable don't meet the state definition. Do continue to make contact, provide support, and document EVERYTHING.
For the next 2 years of active duty it will be hard for you to have joint custody because of the military schedule. You have to be able to provide a good/reasonable child care plan to the court.
Unfortunately this is a personal/civil matter and the military will not help you. There is an old saying "If the military wanted you to have a wife they would have issued you one". Keep your chain of command informed. Continue to do the best job you can. You never know if the court will ask someone from your unit to speak on your character and commitment.
Good luck.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 3 at 2020 11:55 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 03 Mar 2020 11:55:20 -0500

Your chain of command can't fix your legal issues and neither can HRC. You need to contact a lawyer in your son's home state and proceed with the divorce. Find a good one who specializes in family law. Lawyers are like shoes in that you get what you pay for. It's better to spend good money and win than to go cheap and lose. You're being jerked around by your spouse and her family and they will continue to do so until you protect yourself. Her parents are threatening to pay, but remember they probably have a fixed and limited income as well and it's easier to manipulate you through intimidation than it is to pay for a lawyer.
Make sure you document all instances where the other parent alienated or restricted access to you because that is illegal.

Response by 1SG Rick Seekman made Jan 3 at 2021 4:39 PM

1SG Rick Seekman — Sun, 03 Jan 2021 16:39:57 -0500

Obtain a lawyer and do it now!

Response by Sgt Laura Campbell made Jul 31 at 2021 12:42 AM

Sgt Laura Campbell — Sat, 31 Jul 2021 00:42:48 -0400

Where in CA? I ask because I'm in CA. You can hire a paralegal to do all your paperwork for the divorce part. Have them separate the divorce from the custody issue. Also, make sure to ask them about filing papers to publish that her bills are separate from yours, which includes any bills she may still have from prior to the marriage. Those bills are legally considered to be her separate bills in CA. Also, whoever files first for temporary custody due to divorce usually gets custody temporarily. She can't stop you from taking your son if you show up & take him. If she calls the police & you tell them there is no custody arrangement they will probably push her to allow you to see him as long as you are sober & respectful with no raising of voices or name calling. If you decide to confront, do NOT wear your uniform. She also cannot stop you from taking him to your parent's house. If yoh decide to take him make sure you have everything you need especially a carseat appropriate for his age & size.