Posted on Feb 28, 2020
Can anyone give me advice, insight, or help with Divorce/Custody?
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Hello Everyone, I really need to make this post because maybe some of you have experienced it, maybe not. I am a PFC and im 23 years old. I got married in DEC2018 right after AIT. Like most people money wasn't something I thought about when I got married, it was love. Fast forward to my first duty station, I quickly realized how much money I truly made and how much debt both I and my spouse had. I asked her to pick up a job to help with the bills and she declined with "I do not feel comfortable working here". I tried to brush this off my shoulder but the stress doesn't disappear, it felt unfair because she had at least 10k of premarital debt that she put on me. I begged for months for help but nothing. I could afford the bills but it was really taking a LARGE chunk out of our pay. After countless arguments, I recommended marriage counseling and again she declined with "Why let someone else tell us how to live our lives". Let me pause for a second. *Her mother also married a military man and never worked and her mother despises me for trying to get her daughter to work*. We then find out my spouse was pregnant (yes he's mine) my spouse becomes sick for a couple of months until she is given a medicine that helps her feel 80%. Once she started feeling better I tried to explain the finances again especially because we were about to have a child in 9 months. We disagreed and I ended up sending her home because she wasn't happy here anymore. She left in JULY 2019 and promised to work there because she felt more comfortable. I visited a couple of times at her house but her mother again treated me like shit and humiliated me multiple times. I explained to my spouse that I would no longer communicate with her mother for her poor actions. After this, my spouse said every month, too this day that she was going to find a job. We were discussing Divorce at this point because I felt like this marriage was a scam. She even admitted that the only reason her parents let me marry her was because they thought I was going to let her stay at the house. We both have debt, as an adult, I felt like we both are responsible. She is (23) I came to see my son be born JAN2020, He is perfect. However, My spouse restricted when I could and could not see him. I wasn't allowed to take him over to my parent's house or grandparents' house who live less than a mile away. After my paternity leave ended, She had not once taken our son to see my family. She won't discuss any agreements for our son. I find it unfair that she is doing that, secluding the child from my family. My mother has contacted her but no answer. I made my chain of command aware of this so many times that I lost count. Nothing Big Army can do for me. I understand were soldiers and we are mentally tough but think how scary it is to call over ten attorneys and have them tell you that you aren't going to get good custody if you don't move closer. I brought this up again to my chain but of course, I don't qualify for any reassignment. Every day I find it hard to focus on my mission because my son is true with a maniac. My chain knows this. Her brother threatened me by saying he would make sure I don't see my son anymore, Her father saying I will pay for the court proceedings. HRC? No answer, never an answer. Another issue we had was that my spouse bought a new car without my knowledge. Come to find out that this car was in her dad's name and all her family was on the insurance. I told my spouse that we won't pay unless he only puts your name on this car, she declined so I stopped paying for this car. This was the first time I have ever stepped up to her parents and my spouse says "You can only come over when my dad isn't home". Yeah, she lives with mommy and daddy and still doesn't work. I wasn't allowed to spend the night with her when she brought our son home. Restricted. Im ok, Im not depressed or in very bad pain but I just am disappointed that no one can help me. I really don't want to lose my son and from the sound of it, I am going to. Regardless of me having all of the evidence in text messages, it isn't looking good for me. We are on opposite sides of the country. Maybe someone has gone through this that can give me some insight or some good words of wisdom, or maybe help me out. I am currently looking for attorneys in CA but they are charging in the thousands and it doesn't guarantee anything. Thanks for listening. I just feel like I've tried everything and there is nothing that can be done.
Posted in these groups: 
Divorce
Divorce
Posted 4 y ago
Responses: 9
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Have you tried base legal or the Chaplain. The Chaplains' staff has probably been through it many times and may have some contacts
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PFC (Join to see)
Hello Sir, I have contacted brigade legal and they said they cannot help me. JAG also doesn't represent service members. The chaplain had kind words but also had no clue what to do.
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Not picking on you, but this letter should be posted as a warning for every young SM out there to read as a precautionary tale.
It is very doubtful you will get physical custody. Even so, you must not give up your parental rights. If you do you will be pushed out of the picture, especially if (when) she remarries.
It will be very difficult to remain an active parent long distance, especially since you never had a chance to bond. Try to find someone that can help you stay in touch, maybe an aunt or uncle or family friend.
Send letters. Actual paper letters. Just tell him about who you are and that you want to be part of his life. When your son is old enough to read he may find a connection. It's a long shot, but what do you have to lose?
Good luck to you.
It is very doubtful you will get physical custody. Even so, you must not give up your parental rights. If you do you will be pushed out of the picture, especially if (when) she remarries.
It will be very difficult to remain an active parent long distance, especially since you never had a chance to bond. Try to find someone that can help you stay in touch, maybe an aunt or uncle or family friend.
Send letters. Actual paper letters. Just tell him about who you are and that you want to be part of his life. When your son is old enough to read he may find a connection. It's a long shot, but what do you have to lose?
Good luck to you.
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PFC (Join to see)
Of course Sgt. and I advise that my story be a lesson for myself and others. I have a family but she won't let them see my parents, grandparents, uncles or aunts. I have seen a counselor, thinking about asking if they will testify as an expert witness. I have every text that shows threats, distant. Idk how after all of this they can keep our son from me. Other than that, I've been asking for leave to go back to California to take care of legal stuff but has since been denied.
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Sorry to hear that your spouse is cutting you and your family off from your son.
I concur with the others on deciding if you have a future married to this woman or not.
Do start a new account and transfer your pay, but do not cut her off completely - you can 'allot' money to the shared account or another form or providing her with minimum finds. The Army does have a regulation on supporting dependents and there are consequences if you don't. Finances are not going to get any easier right now, but you can prevent yourself from further debt (new cars).
To save money, some divorce lawyers will do a free initial consult to review the situation and make recommendations. It will also be cheaper to hire a lawyer in the county she is living in. Some states require a minimum amount of time residing in the area before you can file. Look up the county requirements online - do your research.
You will not be denied access to your son unless she can prove you are unfit - you probable don't meet the state definition. Do continue to make contact, provide support, and document EVERYTHING.
For the next 2 years of active duty it will be hard for you to have joint custody because of the military schedule. You have to be able to provide a good/reasonable child care plan to the court.
Unfortunately this is a personal/civil matter and the military will not help you. There is an old saying "If the military wanted you to have a wife they would have issued you one". Keep your chain of command informed. Continue to do the best job you can. You never know if the court will ask someone from your unit to speak on your character and commitment.
Good luck.
I concur with the others on deciding if you have a future married to this woman or not.
Do start a new account and transfer your pay, but do not cut her off completely - you can 'allot' money to the shared account or another form or providing her with minimum finds. The Army does have a regulation on supporting dependents and there are consequences if you don't. Finances are not going to get any easier right now, but you can prevent yourself from further debt (new cars).
To save money, some divorce lawyers will do a free initial consult to review the situation and make recommendations. It will also be cheaper to hire a lawyer in the county she is living in. Some states require a minimum amount of time residing in the area before you can file. Look up the county requirements online - do your research.
You will not be denied access to your son unless she can prove you are unfit - you probable don't meet the state definition. Do continue to make contact, provide support, and document EVERYTHING.
For the next 2 years of active duty it will be hard for you to have joint custody because of the military schedule. You have to be able to provide a good/reasonable child care plan to the court.
Unfortunately this is a personal/civil matter and the military will not help you. There is an old saying "If the military wanted you to have a wife they would have issued you one". Keep your chain of command informed. Continue to do the best job you can. You never know if the court will ask someone from your unit to speak on your character and commitment.
Good luck.
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MAJ (Join to see)
I'm glad you are seeking professional help to maintain a calm mind.
Communication is so broken with the military and there is always a last minute task... your squad leader probably did not remember your conversation from Friday. If a counseling statement is all you get, take it. You can disagree and put in your remarks. A counseling is a document of a conversation, as long as you remain respectful it will not be used against you.
Communication is so broken with the military and there is always a last minute task... your squad leader probably did not remember your conversation from Friday. If a counseling statement is all you get, take it. You can disagree and put in your remarks. A counseling is a document of a conversation, as long as you remain respectful it will not be used against you.
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PFC (Join to see)
I was recommended for UCMJ for Disrespect to a Non Commission Officer MAJ (Join to see)
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MAJ (Join to see)
That sucks, but as of right now it is just a recommendation, right? Hopefully your squad leader will back your decision in going to BH and your leadership will drop it.
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PFC (Join to see)
Yes as of right now it is just a recommendation mam. I was also counseled saying that I am not allowed to go to my squad leader for my issues and that I have skipped the chain of command for doing so.
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