Can someone give me feedback on my personal statement for Navy OCS?

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 17:56:36 -0400

I am finally taking my last few classes for my Bachelor's at the moment. I am posting here to hopefully get some feedback on my personal statement. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

"There is one Lieutenant Commander I will never forget for the rest of my life. During CO’s Mast (2010), she looked into my eyes and said, “I see potential in you, and you will stand in my position one day”. From that day forward, my goal of becoming a Naval Officer has consumed me. I owe every accomplishment as an enlisted Sailor wholeheartedly to the opportunities the Navy has provided me for personal improvement and professional growth since then.
I am applying for a commission because I have a strong passion to lead Sailors towards achieving their goals and full potential. My unyielding dedications to learn beyond my expertise, to educate those around me, and maintain the ability to lead by example are my strongest attributes to provide as an officer. These traits combined with my goal oriented persona and ambitions to succeed are requisites for mission readiness and are tenets of leadership, which must be held in the highest regard by those who hold the responsibility. I will use these traits to dedicate myself to improving the Navy’s operating concepts, military systems, and Sailor development.
I stand ready to accept all challenges, to be the proper example for sailors to emulate, and gear them for success. I am ready to lead our sailors well into the future, and when selected as a Commissioned Officer I will strive uncompromisingly as that same example to Sailors the Lieutenant Commander was to my life."

Below are my current stats:
Male/27/ AT2 (AW/SW/MTS)
Applying for NFO/Pilot/SWO
OAR 50/5/6/7
A.S. In Aeronautics (gpa 3.0)
B.S. In Aeronautics with a Minor in Management (current gpa 3.158) should complete by Nov 16
PRT: excellent
Evaluations: MP/EP/EP/P/EP (ranked 3 of 30)
Awards: NAM x 1, MOVSM
A-school instructor 7 years TIS

Thanks again for any advice.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 9 at 2016 6:10 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 18:10:12 -0400

You state becoming an officer has consumed you. What have you accomplished in that pursuit? How does your current expertise and education nest with the Navy's strategic goals?

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 9 at 2016 9:33 PM

Sgt Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 21:33:11 -0400

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member Consider replacing "My unyielding dedications to learn beyond my expertise, to educate those around me," with "My dedication to continuous improvement, to mentor those around me,"

Remove the GPA and list the College/University. For your B.S. Degree, replace "should complete by Nov 16" with "anticipated completion, Fall 2016"

Best of luck!

Response by CDR Vic Monzon made Aug 12 at 2016 12:31 AM

CDR Vic Monzon — Fri, 12 Aug 2016 00:31:48 -0400

PO2 C.L. I am very impressed with your enthusiasm, motivation. and idealism. I was also a PO2 before my selection for NESEP. In order to improve the readability of your essay, I suggest less complex sentences. Also, pay attention to your use of plurals. I am also an Engineer by education and in my current occupation. For me, less is more. Concise and tight writing help you get your point across.
"I owe every accomplishment as a Sailor to the opportunities the Navy provided me for personal and professional growth. I am applying due to my passion to mentor Sailors towards achieving their full potential. I have dedicated myself to improving my professional expertise, developing my shipmates, and leading by example. I am very goal oriented and professionally focused on ensuring organizational mission readiness."
Just a flavor for how I would suggest you tighten how you express your values and motivation :-)
Good luck, and I hope this helps. (BTW, I am not a good writer).