Can someone please take a look at my navy OCS motivational statement? It's about 120 words too long, so specifically what can be taken out?

2016-07-16T16:08:35-04:00

The assignment by the way is to motivate the Navy to select me, not to show the Navy my level of motivation. Also this is an updated and revised version which no longer has word count issues.

In less than one year in the Army, I’ve earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured my leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment. After placing second in my division, it is now time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.
During my first undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide array of activities, resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, I was liaison between the University and Senior Class. I also sat on the campus Judicial Board, where I advised Penn State University officials on judicial decisions for students under review. Recognizing my leadership abilities, Sigma Pi International nominated me for President. I elected to serve as Vice President, where I could work in a more interactive leadership capacity. I delegated responsibilities, and also mentored new students to be productive members of the organization. As Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I supervised and motivated fellow leaders, as well as inspiring students to join efforts to raise money for pediatric cancer. Despite being highly motivated, I lacked other important traits that would have contributed to an all-around successful undergraduate career, and a higher GPA upon graduation. Since joining the military, I was able to self-reflect and correct my mistakes, and use this experience to nurture a stronger work ethic and sharpen my self-discipline. Having earned my second Bachelors Degree, I successfully achieved a 3.8 GPA, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining dynamic and driven, I have a breadth of skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions makes it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as a Naval Aviator.

Response by Capt Chris McVeigh made Jul 16 at 2016 8:14 PM

2016-07-16T20:14:32-04:00

I would focus on revising structure. Some sentences seem unnecessarily complicated and don't really get to the point (I'm not even sure what your opening sentence means). Clarity should be first and foremost in your writing. I think that by itself will help you cut down on your word count.

Response by SSG Roger Ayscue made Jul 17 at 2016 12:41 AM

2016-07-17T00:41:41-04:00

LTJG Private RallyPoint Member I am a writer. What is your aim, your goal with this statement? Who is your target audience, and what end result do you want for or from them?
If you are trying to sell yourself to a selection board, which is what this reads/sounds like then in a more concise format you can get that....HOWEVER, if it is a motivational speech,where you are trying to motivate others, this does not quite do that, other than to motivate them to say that you are thus and so qualified.

In writing a motivational speech, it is OK to list some of your qualifications in order to build credibility, BUT you do NOT motivate by saying how great YOU are. You motivate by convincing your audience how great THEY are. You motivate by convincing with the spoken word and YOUR VISIBLE Example, your audience to believe in themselves, not to believe in you. We all love to "blow our own horn" but that rarely motivates anyone, and as often as not turns them off.

Please add to this SGM Private RallyPoint Member COL Johnny Powers MSG Private RallyPoint Member MAJ Brian Coram LTC Daniel Rogne , because having served UNDER most of you, I was the one motivated BY YOUR actions. Please, If I have named you here chime in to assist this young Soldier as you all assisted me.

LTJG Private RallyPoint Member Good luck to you. As you can see, I named fellow Rally Point members that I served under, and that even to this day, some 20 plus years later, I still seek their guidance and mentorship. That, young Soldier is a Leader. I envy you to be at the start of such a road. Never forget, it is IMPOSSIBLE to lead from behind.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 17 at 2016 4:27 AM

2016-07-17T04:27:35-04:00

I've taken the liberty of editing it somewhat for you. I've paired it down a bit here and there and made a couple changes for the sake of clarity. Communicating is more important than using impressive-seeming sentence structures, after all.

Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I have diversified myself in my education and experiences, joining the Army while studying Forensic Psychology and pursuing a career as a Navy Officer. By remaining dynamic I consider myself to have a wide range of skills that can be put to great use. The diversity of the Navy and its missions leads to my confidence that it is that environment, and being a Naval Aviator, which would be my best fit.
In less than one year, I earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I consider my biggest military accomplishment being hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in my Division’s national Best Warrior Competition, which measures mental grit, leadership, military fundamentals, and most importantly the ability to handle pressure with a level head. After winning second place, I decided it was time to take my military career to the next level. Prior to my military career, although motivated, I didn’t have the work ethic and discipline while working on my first Bachelor’s Degree, which reflected in my average grades. I gained these traits ten-fold in my short time in the Army, displaying them by achieving a 3.8 GPA in my second Bachelor’s Degree, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program. Despite my less-than-impressive academic achievements during my first undergraduate degree, I managed to gain important leadership, time management and administrative skills. I served as Senior Class President, acting as a liaison between the University and the Senior Class, sat on the campus Judicial Board where I would review and advise how students under Judicial Review should be handled, and volunteered for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, raising money for pediatric cancer. My leadership abilities were recognized by my fraternity Sigma Pi International, and was nominated to be President. I decided to take on the role of Vice President, due to a favorable responsibility coming with the title. As Vice President, I would be in charge of mentoring and leading our new members to becoming better students, productive fraternity members, as well as delegating responsibilities.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Unlike many other children, I never grew up wanting to fly. I’m a doer, not a watcher. As soon as the option to become a Naval Aviator was presented to me, an entirely new world was opened up; a dream that can become a reality and which I would consider an honor.

Hope that helps. Good luck. Also, as a Penn State graduate myself, I was glad to see THON show up there. I'm always impressed with everybody who took part in that every year.

Response by CPO Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 6:18 AM

2016-07-19T06:18:14-04:00

Whats your timeline for me to respond adequately ?

UTC(Ret)(SCW/FMF) Everett Patten

Response by CDR Michael Goldschmidt made Jul 19 at 2016 8:06 AM

2016-07-19T08:06:47-04:00

The military is a results-oriented organization. It wants you to be concise. It wants you to get to the point. Remove every unnecessary thought and word.

.

Response by CPO John Hopkins made Jul 19 at 2016 10:25 AM

2016-07-19T10:25:06-04:00

The Navy is a tough service to get into, especially the Office Corps. Enlisted Marines seem to be the most successful in making that transition to Navy Officer, and I knew one Navy Enlisted who became a Marine Officer. Aviation is especially tough these days, as it's Pilots and NFO's that are being sent home proportionally more than other designators. I had PO3, who had a degree in Aerospace Engineering and a multi-engine Pilot license, who was turned down for OCS and my own son was turned away from the recruiter and told to come back when he had a Masters and was accepted into a PhD program! (his BS was in Psychology too, and the recruiters were targeting Engineering majors.

I applaud you for trying to go Navy...I was an Army brat myself, but Pop left big footsteps and the Navy appealed to me more.

Response by CDR Matthew McLaughlin made Jul 19 at 2016 10:31 AM

2016-07-19T10:31:26-04:00

I apologize for not having the time to give a longer answer, but I'm throwing in my quick $0.02 as a (collateral duty) recruiter for Navy Reserve Engineering Duty Officers (EDOs). I've done a number of interviews, and worked with Reserve EDO selection boards. Short version: your statement reads more as a statement of qualifications (What can I bring to the Navy?) than as a motivational statement (Why do I want to be a Naval Officer?). Make sure that you're answering the question that's being asked.
Good luck!

Response by SCPO Chuck Vroman Sr. made Jul 19 at 2016 10:40 AM

2016-07-19T10:40:21-04:00

Remove the fiollowing: "rWorking well amidst chaos, intense physical environments for long hours, and having the administrative and leadership responsibilities of others has never been my equalizer. Becoming stagnant, and limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations has been my biggest fear. With this thought lingering in the back of my mind, I have diversified myself in my education and experiences, joining the Army as a ground troop, while studying Forensic Psychology and pursuing a career as a Navy Officer. While some may consider this to be a weakness, by remaining dynamic I consider myself to have a wide range of skills that can be put to great use in the right environment." This is superfluous information that does not help your case.
Change the next sentence to read: "The idea of the diversity of the Navy, as well as being a Naval Aviator, combine to make this my ideal goal."
Remove this sentence: "Prior to my military career, although motivated, I didn’t have the work ethic and discipline while working on my first Bachelor’s Degree, which reflected in my average grades."
Remove these sentences:"After winning second place, I decided it was time to take my military career to the next level. Prior to my military career, although motivated, I didn’t have the work ethic and discipline while working on my first Bachelor’s Degree, which reflected in my average grades."
Rewrite the following sentence as: "During my short time in the Army, I developed a strong, disciplined work ethic. This was evidenced by achieving a 3.8 GPA in my second Bachelor’s Degree, which convinced a graduate school board to grant my acceptance."
Remove everything about your "less than acceptable performance". You are attempting to build yourself up - having gone through LDO school, I have seen what the Naval Aviators go through, and a display of self deprecation will get you drummed out in a heart beat!!

Make similar changes throughout the document.

Response by LT James Minnis made Jul 19 at 2016 11:31 AM

2016-07-19T11:31:46-04:00

This is one of the most pathetic introductions I have ever read. In my opinion you are not ready for a position of greater responsibility.

Response by LTJG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 11:56 AM

2016-07-19T11:56:04-04:00

Please disregard the essay I posted early. I revised the entire thing a few times...So anybody who offers help, here is my new personal statement, and thank you for your time.

In less than one year in the Army, I’ve earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured my leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment. After placing second in my division, it is now time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.
During my first undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide array of activities, resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, I was liaison between the University and Senior Class. I also sat on the campus Judicial Board, where I advised Penn State University officials on judicial decisions for students under review. Recognizing my leadership abilities, Sigma Pi International nominated me for President. I elected to serve as Vice President, where I could work in a more interactive leadership capacity. I delegated responsibilities, and also mentored new students to be productive members of the organization. As Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I supervised and motivated fellow leaders, as well as inspiring students to join efforts to raise money for pediatric cancer. Despite being highly motivated, I lacked other important traits that would have contributed to an all-around successful undergraduate career, and a higher GPA upon graduation. Since joining the military, I was able to self-reflect and correct my mistakes, and use this experience to nurture a stronger work ethic and sharpen my self-discipline. Having earned my second Bachelors Degree, I successfully achieved a 3.8 GPA, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining dynamic and driven, I have a breadth of skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions makes it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as a Naval Aviator.

Response by PO2 Dave MatchDirector made Jul 20 at 2016 9:10 AM

2016-07-20T09:10:55-04:00

Drop the negative, emphasize the positives. You in every thought have given doubt before than saying you just overcame that. I don't want want any of my leaders with "lingering thought"(s) that are doubtful, I want them to have a burning desire or passion to suceed, not worried about failure. Lingering and malingering, see any relevance?

Response by SCPO J Logue II made Jul 20 at 2016 5:59 PM

2016-07-20T17:59:23-04:00

I believe I would detail my letter to coincide with the Navy's Core Values, Honor, Courage and Commitment. Good luck.

Response by CAPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2016 2:42 PM

2016-07-23T14:42:19-04:00

There's a lot going on in your write-up that just bothers me, and makes me believe that it will not have the desired effect.

If you are shooting for aviation, then you need to express your desire to be a naval aviator and work your write up to demonstrate your dedication toward achieving that goal. Avoid using negative terminology such as "weakness" and "fear." Be positive. Talk about seeking challenges, personal and professional growth.

I went through ROTC vice AOCS so I'm not sure what the AOCS application package looks like, but I would think that your educational history (i.e. dates and GPAs) would be in the application package so you don't need to really talk about how your GPA improved the second time around. They should be able to figure out that you matured and demonstrated better discipline/study habits.

When does your package have to be submitted?