Civilians get divorced at a higher rate than the military. Did military service strengthen or ruin your marriage?

COL Lee Flemming — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 10:47:36 -0400

The stats from the pic are a few years old, but have not changed much in recent years...

Response by MCPO Roger Collins made Sep 11 at 2016 10:57 AM

MCPO Roger Collins — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 10:57:37 -0400

I'll ask my wife that I have been married to for over 53 years.

Response by MSgt John Taylor made Sep 11 at 2016 11:02 AM

MSgt John Taylor — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 11:02:26 -0400

I believe that if you marry the right person, are both committed to making the marriage work and generally treat you spouse like he/she is your best friend, then the marriage should survive.

Military service can stress a marriage, but so can many other things on the outside. All of it has to be worked through, no matter if your in or out of uniform.

Most of my friends got their divorces after they retired. The extra time spent with each other coupled with the fact that the military spouse is no longer treated like BMOC by subordinates tends to bring out the wrong side of folks, and that's not usually prepared for by either spouse.

PS. I've been happily married for 26 years, and retired for 7.

Response by SFC Joseph Weber made Sep 11 at 2016 11:22 AM

SFC Joseph Weber — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 11:22:39 -0400

Both. Went through a lot of crap, separated twice, almost divorced, now it is as strong as ever. love my wife of 33 years.

Response by TSgt Melissa Post made Sep 11 at 2016 11:23 AM

TSgt Melissa Post — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 11:23:51 -0400

I'm really surprised at that statistic. I say this because I have seen or at least heard of marriages that didn't last longer than 3 years in the military and divorces are happening left and right. Granted the fact that they married young or married fast probably has something to do with it. But there have been times when i knew of 3 or 4 people all going through a divorce at the same time. If the civilian side is worse, does anyone stay married these days??

Response by SSG Derrick L. Lewis MBA, C-HRM made Sep 11 at 2016 11:24 AM

SSG Derrick L. Lewis MBA, C-HRM — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 11:24:37 -0400

COL Lee Flemming ,
Interesting stats. I do not know if military service strengthened or ruined my marriage as I have been with the same woman for 20 years. But I cannot deny it has most certainly been challenged, both before and during service.

Response by Jordan Gaudard made Sep 11 at 2016 11:36 AM

Jordan Gaudard — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 11:36:49 -0400

I got divorced this month, worth every penny if you ask me.

Response by SSG Trust Palmer made Sep 11 at 2016 6:26 PM

SSG Trust Palmer — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 18:26:02 -0400

SSG James J. Palmer IV aka "JP4" wouldn't you agree that our marriage is stronger because of the military. Every time you go TDY the kids are happy because you don't all the food and you're happy because you eat at all the buffets. #hushup

Response by PO1 Brian Austin made Sep 11 at 2016 9:04 PM

PO1 Brian Austin — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 21:04:21 -0400

In 1986 I told her i'm in the Navy so i'll be gone a lot and i'm not getting out any time soon. She said "Ok".
She's still tolerating me 30 yrs later...LOL

Response by SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth made Sep 12 at 2016 6:22 AM

SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth — Mon, 12 Sep 2016 06:22:20 -0400

Added strength to mine.

Response by SSG(P) Jarrod Taylor made Sep 13 at 2016 6:02 AM

SSG(P) Jarrod Taylor — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 06:02:22 -0400

I saw lots of ruined marriages in the military. i can't say the military alone caused it, but when faced with tough times people have choices. Being married in the military can be damn hard. My wife and I had our rough spots, and it was often my job that was fueling the fire. I got out at 10 years. We're still married, and we are stronger than ever. It doesn't mean things have been perfect, but the army was certainly an additional stressor.

Response by CPL Kevin Hathaway made Sep 13 at 2016 8:07 AM

CPL Kevin Hathaway — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 08:07:58 -0400

All my time on active duty did was keep me married to a miserable hag 5 years longer than I should have been.

Response by COL John Hudson made Sep 13 at 2016 8:54 AM

COL John Hudson — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 08:54:22 -0400

My dad experienced WWII, Korea, and Vietnam...divorced twice. As a child, I asked him about that once and his reply was simple; "The military will make or break any marriage." Why? Because it's not made for those who can't handle separation, constant relocations + never knowing when the next balloon will go up. Add to that the results of someone returning from down range with inevitable mental and physical changes that happened there = an unanticipated level of STRESS that many simply can't overcome. Pretty basic stuff, actually.

Response by FN Charlie Spivey made Sep 13 at 2016 9:23 AM

FN Charlie Spivey — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 09:23:15 -0400

Didn't help. I didn't get married til after I got out. Unfortunately, there was this thing called P.T.S.D. that reared its head. There was the drinking and the violent outbursts ( Not physical, just vocal ). No way it would last and she bailed. Some time after it ended, P.T.S.D. came to light.

Response by PO2 Dave Cutsinger made Sep 13 at 2016 9:33 AM

PO2 Dave Cutsinger — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 09:33:02 -0400

I used to explain away my first two divorces on the rigors of military service. My shortest (and last) failed marriage was a year after I got out and lasted nine months. Maybe I'm the problem not the Navy?

Response by CW3 Carl Bandy made Sep 13 at 2016 9:40 AM

CW3 Carl Bandy — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 09:40:55 -0400

Was married for 44+ years before my wife passed away in 09. She put up with me my last 19 years in the Army and then retirement,

Response by PV2 Mark Kleiman made Sep 13 at 2016 9:42 AM

PV2 Mark Kleiman — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 09:42:31 -0400

I believe that the values that motivate the choice to be in the military and those that are absorbed while in the military, if recognized by both parties, are elements that foster greater tolerance to the unique qualities that disrupt the relationship. The impact that occurs for military personnel during times of war can skew those values and undermine the ability for tolerance, making the relationship fraught with tension that can drive it toward separation.

Response by SPC Franklin McKown made Sep 13 at 2016 9:50 AM

SPC Franklin McKown — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 09:50:01 -0400

Marrying a BAR GIRL from Korea ruined the marrage,she was a "Runarounfd Sue"

Response by Lt Col John (Jack) Christensen made Sep 13 at 2016 9:52 AM

Lt Col John (Jack) Christensen — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 09:52:38 -0400

Like a couple other comments, I'm surprised at the statistics. Military life is tough on a marriage so would have thought we were higher. Perhaps has something to do with fact that military is such a low percentage of the total population these days.
Anyhow, those military marriages that survive seem to be extremely stable. I think the constant not being around on the part of the military member makes the other spouse more self sufficient. My wife of 46 years and I constantly joke about how she had to handle this or that because I wasn't around. Military not for everyone but those spouses that marry into it seem to be more self sufficient and stable IMO.

Response by CW3 Susan Burkholder made Sep 13 at 2016 9:57 AM

CW3 Susan Burkholder — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 09:57:27 -0400

I have somewhat of a problem with your question. You are personifying the military. Applying personal traits to a non-human thing. The military can't cause a divorce nor save a marriage. Commitment and personal values are human traits not military traits. How do you measure the marriages of those who only stay in the military for 5 to 10 years?

Response by SFC Dennis D Joy made Sep 13 at 2016 11:07 AM

SFC Dennis D Joy — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 11:07:36 -0400

I'm hard to live with any way. But for spouse to have to adust even few years because of reassignmental or deployment they have to be special. Unfortunately after 4 times across the altar I've been 4 times thru the court room for divorce.

Response by SFC Audie Dame made Sep 13 at 2016 11:17 AM

SFC Audie Dame — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 11:17:26 -0400

Spending two years as a Drill Sergeant and another two and a half as a Range Safety Officer almost ruined mine. I was never home; weekends and holidays were ordinary training days. My wife passed away after 15 1/2 years of marriage ... my daughters were 10 and 11 at the time.

Response by CPO Bill Penrod made Sep 13 at 2016 12:07 PM

CPO Bill Penrod — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 12:07:12 -0400

It was pretty close to love at first sight. I met my Filipina girl friend Late November 1969 three days later my ship, USS Sanctuary went back to Vietnam. Over the next six months we were together less than twenty days we did write weekly letters. I took my R & R to Manila for one last fling with my girl friend. We stayed at the Pines Hotel in Baguio when I ask "Marry me" She laughed I said again "Marry me" this time brought tears. Two days later we were married. Our love is still growing after 46 years. Divorce was never a thought. I only had two deployment (total 20 months). Great Navy wife she is.................

Response by SSG Wally Lawver made Sep 13 at 2016 12:15 PM

SSG Wally Lawver — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 12:15:50 -0400

ruined a few of them,,,,BUT then again maybe some of it was my fault to:)

Response by SCPO Penny Douphinett made Sep 13 at 2016 1:07 PM

SCPO Penny Douphinett — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 13:07:09 -0400

My marriage lasted through dual service, then I got out when baby #3 came along and went into the Reserves. My husband eventually retired and then I was recalled for deployment and upon my return injured and ill, that was the end of my marriage of 16 years. I guess being a Navy Wife is one thing but a Navy Husband another.

Response by Maj Pamayla Darbyshire, MSN/CNS made Sep 13 at 2016 3:22 PM

Maj Pamayla Darbyshire, MSN/CNS — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 15:22:05 -0400

Definitely hindered mine. Ended up divorced. Sad cause he was USNR of 30+ yrs

Response by SMSgt Sheila Berg made Sep 13 at 2016 5:27 PM

SMSgt Sheila Berg — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 17:27:40 -0400

Marriage ended during my last activation. Married 38yrs.

Response by SSG Scott Summers made Sep 13 at 2016 6:44 PM

SSG Scott Summers — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 18:44:02 -0400

I'd have to say it strengthened my marriage, getting out and civilian life almost ended it. Straight and Stalwart!!

Response by A1C Lisa Casserly made Sep 13 at 2016 7:44 PM

A1C Lisa Casserly — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 19:44:10 -0400

Hmmm. I don't know!! I mean, I don't have anything to compare... I've been married to my husband for 30 years. Its been a first marriage for both of us. We were both enlisted. Both have fairly solid morals and values. Both were raised by parents who stayed married for life. Both of our fathers were Military, as well. So, I'm not sure how much influence our military service time had on us. I have seen a lot of military marriages fail. Military service can be very stressful and demanding. A spouse never likes to hear that they or the children have to come second, since the military member takes an oath to serve their country first.

Response by Sgt George Guthrie made Sep 13 at 2016 8:13 PM

Sgt George Guthrie — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 20:13:05 -0400

I was in the Air Force for 8 years and the Army for another 8. The Air Force brought us together and the Army broke us up...

Response by MAJ Hugh Blanchard made Sep 13 at 2016 10:06 PM

MAJ Hugh Blanchard — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 22:06:27 -0400

I was in a small unit at a national intelligence agency. On one occasion, one Friday afternoon, we took a head count. The seven of us (Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines) had five former marriages among us. Not a good statistic. Yes, military service can be very hard on marriages. This was well before 9-11, and most of the folks I work with nowadays have four or more deployments. That's really hard on a family.
Regards,
Hugh

PS- I have been very happily married for the last 32 years. Finally got it right....

Response by Cpl Jeff Ruffing made Sep 13 at 2016 10:36 PM

Cpl Jeff Ruffing — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 22:36:07 -0400

Divorce is divorce. You have to have the right person. If you have the right person, whether you in the military or not, your marriage will flourish. If you don't have the right person, then it doesn't matter whether your military or not. I was married in the military and it wound up in a divorce, not because of the military, but, because we were not the right people to be married to each other. My ex remarried after several relationships. She found the right person for her. I remarried in the civilian community and agin divorced. Again, not the right person. I have found the right person and am living the life. So, it's not the military or non military. It's who is the person you chose.

Response by SPC Byron Skinner made Sep 14 at 2016 12:50 AM

SPC Byron Skinner — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 00:50:22 -0400

Sp4. Byron Skinner…Since I was in a conscripted military (Army and Marines) I would say less the 5% of E-4's and under were married. The vast majority of them occurred just before deployment to Vietnam. Catching my drift here…To respond to this question I would have to go through the trouble of verifying these numbers, which I'm not going to do. I have found that many statistics published in these almost Power Point Presentations are not valid, often the result of taking numbers from many sources add and dividing and then calling for a margin of error…I would think that a social issue as large as this would be impossible to get a verifiable and and accurate picture of the issue…Finally what good is the answer? I can't see where any generalization can be made, human behavior is not predictable and often dissolving a marriage is real the best for all concerned. By the way my wife and I have been together since high school 1964, including a tour in Vietnam and several mont on a K Ward in and Army Hospital, and recently a stroke my wife had that cost me out of pocket over $300,000 cash for over five months in a Hospital. Medicare doesn't cover everything.

Response by SPC Les Darbison made Sep 14 at 2016 1:18 AM

SPC Les Darbison — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 01:18:45 -0400

In my case the time away from each other and both of our actions equaled the end of our marriage .

Response by 1LT Rich Voss made Sep 14 at 2016 1:56 AM

1LT Rich Voss — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 01:56:27 -0400

Colonel - I shouldn't touch this with a proverbial ..... I'm about as bad an example as one could find. Married a German girl while Active (in Germany) came back to the States, left Active duty for Active reserves, she missed parents, friends, and Germany, so went back. Lots of back and forth travel, by me, including enrolling in a German University. No dice. Six years, over and out. Rest break. Another 6 year marriage. Not advancing enough in business. Done. Rest break, never again. Then a thirteen year marriage. Oh, heck no. Marriage counseling, separation...done again. Very expensive business this "habit". Very. Now married for LAST time to lovely woman for 12 years. She calls herself "The Last Mrs. Voss" and she's correct, Sir ! I'm the guy that drags down the average, as you see. I suppose I could "blame" my original S1 that said: "Has anyone talked to you about marrying this German girl ?" Well, no ! So he said: "I'm married, please stay single !" Heck, her father served in the German Army in WWII and was born in what was East Germany. Apparently the parents background check even worked out. So, OKAY the military ruined my first marriage, and I take 1/2 responsibility for the middle two. The end !

Response by SMSgt Lawrence McCarter made Sep 14 at 2016 4:18 AM

SMSgt Lawrence McCarter — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 04:18:11 -0400

My wife and I have now been married 39 years, it might just work ! We always do things together, with USAF She participated in many of the ceremonies I was involved or was there, as an example n this picture on My promotion to SMSgt My wife Joanne is placing the rank insignia on my right shoulder while Colonel Moore, Director of Security Police for Hq Air Force Systems Command does the right shoulder.

Response by SFC James Lahtonen made Sep 14 at 2016 5:52 AM

SFC James Lahtonen — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 05:52:33 -0400

I'm not sure why my wife chose me or if the military strengthened our relationship. My wife grew up an "Army Brat"(her term, not mine so save all the PC) so I think she had a better handle on how life was in the military. There were more than one date interrupted by work, so she knew what she was getting into. I could never replace her as she has been the anchor stone to my sanity for so many years. I thank her constantly for picking me, as without her I was on the road to ruin. She has been beside me for 23 years and over half of that I was serving, so she is either really strong or stubborn. She practically raised our son, who seems to have turned out OK, by herself, and especially during his formative years. I AM THE LUCKIES MAN ALIVE!!!

Response by Cpl Elizabeth Koeneman made Sep 14 at 2016 8:13 AM

Cpl Elizabeth Koeneman — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 08:13:15 -0400

Military is responsible for us getting married. We're from about 3 1/2 hours apart, but would never have met if we hadn't joined.
Next month is our tenth anniversary. Although the truth of how we are still together is simple. We agreed, whoever leaves first has to take the children. We have five boys, ages 9, 8, 7, 4, and 2. My parents used to say the same thing, until my mom passed away less than two months before their 30th anniversary.

Response by 1stSgt Raymont Johnson made Sep 14 at 2016 9:01 AM

1stSgt Raymont Johnson — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 09:01:43 -0400

I think military have help readily available if they chia to pursue it. Have you looked at stats for those returning from depoyment in combat zones

Response by PO3 Jack Lamb made Sep 14 at 2016 12:01 PM

PO3 Jack Lamb — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 12:01:41 -0400

Just about ruined mine. If I wasn't a forgiving type, it would have been over 30 some years ago. Jody was another shipmate. Typical. I would stay away from marriage in the military. Just my experience I know there are a lot of folks that make it just fine.

Response by SSG Melvin Nulph made Sep 14 at 2016 1:46 PM

SSG Melvin Nulph — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 13:46:22 -0400

I was married three times and if you was to ask them, each of them would tell you that the military was the reason we got divorced. I disagreed then and do to this day. I, (as some people claimed, spoiled them) was told as a young man that when you are married you should always treat your wife as if she was still your date. No, I didn't leave them at their parents place, lol. I tried to make sure we had a date night at least three to four times a month, even if it was me making a lunch or dinner and we spent a few hours at a park or by the lake, river or some nice place just the two of us. I did laundry, dishes, even cooked on weekends & holidays, could through one heck of a GI party at the house too so it was cleaned 90% of the time while I was around.
Yes we spent a lot of time apart, it's part of the military as you know. There is deployments, FTX's, CQ, Staff Duty, Schools and the list goes on. For the longest time I just knew there was something I did wrong and that's why the marriage's went wrong. "I wasn't fare off with that thought either, I just couldn't figure it out. My second & third wife I let them know that the military will always come before them and I do not plan on getting out until I have 20-30 years in, before we got married. I didn't with the first wife because, well, we met in high school and I didn't know I was going to like the lifestyle before it happened.
The time that each of them complained that we was apart, they forgot one important thing, it was a "WE" situation but they only thought of themselves not us. I was not out with the guys having the time of my life and was also in areas that I knew little if anything about most of the time. With each of them like so many others in the military, I got blindsided when I found out they was no longer alone. yes it happened before me and hate to say it, it's going to be going on after long after I'm no longer, it's part of life.
One nice thing, if you can call it that is, each of them asked, "If they could come back", after they found out that the grass wasn't as green as they thought on the other side. So I got to tell them my answer that they didn't enjoy but had to know it was coming. But I've figured out that the thing I was doing wrong was, Picking the wrong ones to marry. The part about spoiling them, may be true? To me I do not think so just like I do not believe the military had anything to do with them finding a boyfriend to give them something to do while I was doing my job. Morals, Self-respect, Team Work as well as a few other important things is what makes a marriage work no matter if you're military or civilian.
Note: for you thinking about getting married... Never do something to your spouse that wouldn't be okay for them to do to you. Just like life, once it's done you can not take it back and "sorry" doesn't fix everything...

Response by PO1 Robert Johnson made Sep 14 at 2016 5:58 PM

PO1 Robert Johnson — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 17:58:50 -0400

When most of the folks in my age bracket got married, civilian and military, we had the mind set that you worked at your marriage. Of course it helped to have a spouse that was of the same mind. As far as our marriage while in the Navy, it gave us opportunities to grow together as a couple and as a family. We had some really hard times and had to make really hard decisions but as I said, we grew from them and celebrated our 46th anniversary this year and have 2 grown sons and 3 grand kids to share our senior years with.

Response by MSG Don Burt made Sep 14 at 2016 6:45 PM

MSG Don Burt — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 18:45:34 -0400

If "ANYONE," says the Military ruined their marriage, that person is a sorry piece of crap and is using the Military as a COP OUT for their own personal incompetence and lacking the ability to prepare for their Marriage Career.

Response by SSG Stephan Pendarvis made Sep 15 at 2016 9:23 PM

SSG Stephan Pendarvis — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 21:23:39 -0400

I would say that nothing can ruin a marriage but the parties involved.

Response by SPC Douglas Bolton made Sep 15 at 2016 10:37 PM

SPC Douglas Bolton — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 22:37:35 -0400

I married while in the military, and divorced years later out of the military. Found a life long friend on second try. Been married to her 30 years. It is important to make sure you feel your significant others is a true friend. Friends accept your bad days and the good days.

Response by CPT Geoffrey Lea made Sep 19 at 2016 10:28 AM

CPT Geoffrey Lea — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 10:28:48 -0400

First off, kudos to any and all that have retired from any of the services, you've earned every benefit our Congress has "graciously" approved. Even more kudos to any spouse and family member that made the journey with you. I'm going back a long time, but pretty sure it's still the same. My experience was there was no question that the Army had to come first if you wanted to succeed. Military service did not strengthen or ruin my marriage because I never had time to meet and get to know anyone. I was the only single Battery Commander in the Division Artillery. Honestly, I would have thought that the military would have had a higher divorce rate.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 22 at 2016 3:47 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Sep 2016 15:47:45 -0400

Unfortunately I am not sure I buy the premise of the flier. Although Military.com reports the same statitstic (http://www.military.com/daily-news/2013/01/23/military-divorce-rate-down-slightly-in-2012.html) as of 2013, the article states that "military and civilian divorce rates cannot be accurately compared due to how they are tracked."

In this article (http://paa2008.princeton.edu/papers/81696) by members of the RAND Corporation, the results state that although there is incentive to get married and stay married while in the military, that upon exiting the military, the divorce rate of formerly military couples is MUCH higher.

In every military professional development course I've been in, they stress how the military lifestyle is hard on families, from the frequent moves to the separation, duties requirements and deployments. My personal opinion is that a couple who is able to weather the storm will ultimately come out stronger, and the military has a lot of programs to help in this effort, however, I think that many marriages are doomed because they either cannot survive the stress while in the military, or the change from a military to civilian lifestyle is so dramatic that the upheaval of that particular change will stress a marriage to the point of breaking.

I was fortunate. I married late in my career, and the time in the military, I believe, did strengthen my marriage.