Dating: When Is It Time to End The Relationship

PFC Pamala (Hall) Foster — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 19:12:40 -0500

NCO's here is a question for you:

SM comes into your office and asks about ending a relationship where they are dating someone that is controlling and trying to boss them around. Significant other is not working/refusing to get a job and telling them how to do things (treating them like an immature child).

I find myself in this situation and need to know should I call it quits and how do I stay safe?

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 30 at 2014 8:02 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 20:02:24 -0500

If this is the situation, then my recommendation is to get out yesterday! If you are concerned about your personal safety, do you have friends, family, anybody to stay with? But don't look back, I really do believe you deserve better than that. Everybody does.

Response by 1SG David Jones made Jan 4 at 2015 11:40 PM

1SG David Jones — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 23:40:43 -0500

cohabitation is still against the UCMJ

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 5 at 2015 12:07 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 00:07:03 -0500

As some have said, contact your local authorities. Also petition the court for a temporary restraining order.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 5 at 2015 12:25 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 00:25:36 -0500

“Coughlin’s law: Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn’t end.”

If you don’t mutually like each other, you don’t belong together. Your partners is supposed to enhance your life, not drain it. If you feel like every day is a struggle to keep the relationship, and you wouldn’t lose anything important to you by leaving, then leave. Most likely, you will end up finding someone else who is a resource to you. No relationship is perfect, and there will be moments where you will step on each other’s toes. That is perfectly normal. But when there’s no capacity for forgiveness, and resentment slowly builds up until it replaces love, there’s only one thing left to do: leave.

The truth is that you can end a relationship with grace and kindness. You can even do this if your partner has done things you find unacceptable. Ending a relationship by taking the high road is one of the best things you can do for yourself and for your future. There is nothing to be gained by hurting each other any more than is already happening due to the process of separation. Just my 3 cents.

Response by SPC(P) Beverly Day made Jan 5 at 2015 12:46 AM

SPC(P) Beverly Day — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 00:46:35 -0500

I suggest you end things, but as stated by others have support with you. A lot of what I see out of controlling people can easily lead to abuse. I went through a hard one myself once so I wish you luck and be safe.

Response by SSG Tim Everett made Jan 5 at 2015 1:36 AM

SSG Tim Everett — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 01:36:48 -0500

If one of my soldiers came to me in the platoon cage and asked for relationship advice, I'd have told him "The military is rife with people who are outstanding professionals, but absolutely awful at personal life. We have a high rate of divorce, a high rate of relationship failure, and you think it's a good idea to ask US for advice?"

Now as a civilian, having been through divorce, a handful of serious long-term relationships, and countless... um... dalliances, I'd probably say something like "Dude bro chap mate, I'm divorced. You really want advice from me?"

Response by PFC Pamala (Hall) Foster made Jan 10 at 2015 10:05 AM

PFC Pamala (Hall) Foster — Sat, 10 Jan 2015 10:05:42 -0500

UPDATE_

Ended the relationship yesterday-eviction has started and feeling pretty darn good right now. THANKS for standing beside me guys cause I needed the equipment and confidence to end it and you all gave me that. THANKS AGAIN

Response by SGT Jonathan Williams made Jan 10 at 2015 12:42 PM

SGT Jonathan Williams — Sat, 10 Jan 2015 12:42:56 -0500

Only you can decide. But I will offer this; If there are no kids involved, if there is no marriage contract - then I believe all you owe the person is a candid explanation. If you two were sexual, then being friends after that may not be a possibility. It will be difficult at first, yes. But with time, I think you might find it easy to talk to new people.

Once there are kids, or marriage vows involved - There is a new duty to try and "work" on stuff. Love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. Love is choosing to not keep a record of wrongs, choosing to protect the other person, choosing to live for another, all these choices are love.

There is infatuation and companionate "love"... these are emotions. Do not get lost in the trap of "I love you but I'm not in love with you". No one person can be "in love" with another at all times. When I feel angry or upset I may not be "in love" but I can still choose to be loving". The emotion of "in love" ones in ebb and flow. It takes work. Sometimes it does not work out early on in the relationship. These are the lucky ones.

Response by PFC Pamala (Hall) Foster made Jan 18 at 2015 9:35 AM

PFC Pamala (Hall) Foster — Sun, 18 Jan 2015 09:35:10 -0500

Safe and happy

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Nov 23 at 2015 8:57 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Mon, 23 Nov 2015 20:57:51 -0500

Control freaks are dangerous people. It will only get worse the longer you stay in the relationship. They will break you down physically, mentally, and financially. It is now your choice to stay or leave.

Response by PFC Pamala (Hall) Foster made Mar 11 at 2016 9:26 AM

PFC Pamala (Hall) Foster — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 09:26:19 -0500

Took time and a lot of tears, but I DID IT!!! Getting counselling and have great friends helping me get through it all and THANKS for the assist

Response by PFC Pamala (Hall) Foster made Apr 11 at 2016 1:43 PM

PFC Pamala (Hall) Foster — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 13:43:19 -0400

I need tto give an update to everyone-

I finally did leave and retired down south to a safe and happier place-finally living MY life for me-thanks everyone for the advice and the mentoring

Response by PFC Pamala (Hall) Foster made Apr 24 at 2016 12:30 AM

PFC Pamala (Hall) Foster — Sun, 24 Apr 2016 00:30:04 -0400

Thanks everyone-in safe harbors now away from him for good.