Disabled Spouses: should they be hidden?

CSM Carl Cunningham — Sun, 06 Sep 2015 22:21:04 -0400

I have been married for 18 years with my wife being fully disabled the past 11 after being diagnosed with a form of muscular dystrophy. In that time, we have had several ignorant comments said to us as I progressed to my current rank. I was told that I would never make SGM because she was disabled. I have tried to bring awareness to this "problem", and I was told it was inappropriate to discuss. And the people telling me were my leaders. When I attended USASMA, I found that there are several spouses that had medical issues that they hid in fear of their spouse not getting promoted. I feel that if it has happened to me (for years) that it is happening to others. Am I alone in this thinking?

Response by CSM Michael J. Uhlig made Sep 6 at 2015 10:26 PM

CSM Michael J. Uhlig — Sun, 06 Sep 2015 22:26:55 -0400

First of all congratulations on the outstanding relationship and being a stand up guy that stood with his wife through the good and not as good times!
Addressing your question, I am happy you did not hide her, it would not be fair to her and would not help her quality of life, nor yours as you would be living a lie if you tried to hide her. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. I want to thank you for not being a shallow person and for you and your spouse confronting the naysayers and not hiding! I believe you both did the right thing by embracing the facts of life and making the best of it. Hiding her would have been wrong in so many ways.

Response by SCPO Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 6 at 2015 10:39 PM

SCPO Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 06 Sep 2015 22:39:18 -0400

Sergeant Major: there are Assholes even in the military, can you imagine that? My wife goes where I go. I wouldn't care if the man or woman wore stars: they insult my wife, they insult me, and then they are on my Shit List!!!

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 7 at 2015 8:04 AM

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 07 Sep 2015 08:04:08 -0400

Unfortunately there are many out there who judge others unfairly. Quite often it is because they make themselves feel superior by doing so. In reality they only show how shallow they are.

I totally respect your loyalty to your wife.

I salute you CSM Carl Cunningham

Response by PO2 Corey Ferretti made Sep 7 at 2015 8:12 AM

PO2 Corey Ferretti — Mon, 07 Sep 2015 08:12:12 -0400

That is just wrong are we stuck back in the 40's. Where the wife has to be perfect in every way (what peopel consider perfect not what is perfect). I commend you on not hiding her she is your wife and your love for her shows. I would never hide my wife or any family memeber. And if someone said they would not promote me due to having a disabled spouse I would flip my wig (as proffesianly as posible.)

Response by CW3 Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 7 at 2015 8:18 AM

CW3 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 07 Sep 2015 08:18:34 -0400

Anyone who told you that you should hide your spouse and her medical issues in order to have career success is not someone who belongs in the Army...or anywhere in polite society.

Response by SSG Robert Webster made Sep 7 at 2015 8:24 AM

SSG Robert Webster — Mon, 07 Sep 2015 08:24:14 -0400

I would like to echo CSM Uhlig's statement.

But what bothers me the most about this type of situation is where it is coming from or originating from. From my viewpoint this type of prejudice and discrimination is so well hidden from the public eye, that when it does come visibly to the surface, the powers that be in the chain of command are deservedly hounded by the public, so that they try to deal with it as quickly as possible and sweep it back under the rug. Sometimes, I believe that we should go back to some of the archaic rules of punishing a soldier both officer and enlisted, when someone in their family is the one guilty of an act.

Response by SrA Matthew Knight made Sep 7 at 2015 9:54 AM

SrA Matthew Knight — Mon, 07 Sep 2015 09:54:48 -0400

You obviously have proved those individuals wrong, goo on you for sticking with her and pushing through the hardships. Says something about you as a man and a leader.

I personally haven't known anyone who's spouse is disabled so unfortunately I can't comment on whether it happens frequently or not although I can say it doesn't surprise me with the way some people are now a days. It's really unfortunate too because your service in some ways shows just how much you actually care about your wife by sticking with stable employment that has such great benefits for you and her.

Keep doing great work SGM, you are setting a good example for those under your lead. You can't change the attitudes of those above you but you can make sure those below have the right ideas and a good influence on their careers.

Response by COL John Power made Sep 9 at 2015 12:59 PM

COL John Power — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 12:59:09 -0400

It is sad that there are still so many folks that are ignorant of the challenges and qualities of others and must make such comments. I had a friend whose wife also had MS. He retired as a Major General. I guess I was fortunate to know him and her. She was a leader in her own right and didn't let her medical condition slow her until the very end. She had a cane with a red, white and blue ribbon and she she had a name for it. I've forgotten the name, but she didn't run from her condition. The name for the cane humanized the disease and her. She motored around on an electric cart when walking was too difficult. Everyone loved her and respected her. Don't hide your spouse. Despite her afflictions, you wouldn't be where you are without her. Let her and everyone around you know how much she means to you and how proud you are of her commitment and courage.

Response by SGT Allison Churchill made Sep 9 at 2015 1:06 PM

SGT Allison Churchill — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 13:06:05 -0400

Cheers to you, Sergeant Major, for protecting your marriage so well.

One of my first sergeants had a wife who I think might have been in the process of going blind; she didn't come to many events, not because he was hiding her, but because it would have been difficult for her.

I'm sure, unfortunately, that this is something that has happened--maybe the spouses felt pressure, maybe it came up at the FRG--but you've already made it this far, I would think/hope that you'll continue to be successful, and that good leaders will realize that how you care for your wife makes you a better person, someone they want to have beside them.

Response by CH (MAJ) Thomas Conner made Sep 9 at 2015 1:56 PM

CH (MAJ) Thomas Conner — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 13:56:58 -0400

I applaud your strength and leadership in broaching this topic! I have witnessed some acinine comments and behaviors when it comes to people with disabilities. You can speak to the issue and can help motivate change, that's the only way to address stupidity! I am now disabled, requiring leg braces and a walker, I would be devastated to think my wife was ashamed of me or that I was keeping her from advancing! My "marriage" to the Army ended after 20+ years, but my marriage to my wife is still going strong after 36+ years!

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Sep 9 at 2015 2:29 PM

SFC Mark Merino — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 14:29:02 -0400

Not appropriate to bring awareness to the attention of others? Whomever spewed that bile out needs to retire from a leadership position and from the military altogether. Absolutely despicable.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Sep 9 at 2015 2:45 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 14:45:31 -0400

Congratulations on meeting your goal as a SGM. Sometimes the military breeds assholes who lack compassion.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 9 at 2015 2:54 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 14:54:11 -0400

To me, the Army (as great as it is) is your occupation, your wife and family is all that really matters. I commend you for trying to bring awareness to the situation. Instead of your former leaders trying to hinder your promotions, they should have been there to offer support. I hope all is well with you and your family!

Response by SSG Warren Swan made Sep 9 at 2015 3:25 PM

SSG Warren Swan — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 15:25:04 -0400

SGM, there aren't enough likes or upvotes to give for you as a man, a husband, and a NCO. Thank you.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 9 at 2015 3:28 PM

PO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 15:28:16 -0400

CSM Carl Cunningham There are many in the military that will judge your "merit" based upon your spouse. This is definitely a sore subject because while majority proclaim to be accepting and non-judgmental as soon as their spouse does not meet the "status quo" then they are met with unfair perception that they are somehow less for loving someone like that. Loyalty cannot be bought and once earned is the highest of qualities. Bravo Zulu!

Response by SFC Michael Madigan made Sep 9 at 2015 4:15 PM

SFC Michael Madigan — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 16:15:50 -0400

You are being discriminated against because of your wife condition. The issue shoudl be discussed and others should support you and your family. That we do as soldiers suppport each other.

Response by 1SG Harold Piet made Sep 9 at 2015 4:19 PM

1SG Harold Piet — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 16:19:14 -0400

That is a sad situation, I say treat her and the situation just as you would any other spouse in any other health or situation and if someone does not like it they can Kiss your SGM Backside.. They cannot stop you from making E-10

Response by CAPT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 9 at 2015 4:57 PM

CAPT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 16:57:27 -0400

I am not a sensitive individual, but I would think that the only way having a disabled spouse could impact your career, is if it negatively impacts your performance. If that is the case, I would expect your leadership to let you know that your performance has declined/is substandard, and give you the opportunity to make the necessary corrections. Otherwise, she should be welcomed as part of the team. We all have our different challenges to work through, and we should not be ostracizing people for things that do not impede/restrict our ability to perform.

Response by Maj Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 9 at 2015 8:44 PM

Maj Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 20:44:57 -0400

I don't know about the Army since I was career Air Force but my son, who is also a retired Air Force officer had to deal with this. Not that he was ever told to hide his wife's illness. His weife was a four time cancer survivor so his career choices were somewhat limited because he had to be stationed where there were good oncology services. Most of his superiors, if not all from what he said were very understanding of his wife's condition.

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 9 at 2015 9:26 PM

SGM Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 21:26:14 -0400

CSM Carl Cunningham I will echo what many others said, that standing by, and standing up for, your wife is the only honorable thing to do, and anyone who says that's a problem is in the wrong.

I would suggest that you turn this around a little, though, and exercise some leadership. If you're going through this, you can bet many Soldiers behind you are, or will be, going through it as well. Start speaking out about issues of disabled family members at NCO Professional Development sessions. Get your wife involved in local groups speaking to spouses and at other forums where she talks about her disability and how she deals with it and your career. You find forums where you can talk about your wife's disability and how you deal with it and with your career, the challenges you faced and how you overcame them.

Speaking out and becoming leaders in your unit and in your community will show others you are not only not embarrassed or afraid about people knowing about your wife's disability, but you're proud of her and of how you have succeeded together. It will also give others the strength to stand up and deal with their own similar issues. Your leadership can make a huge difference in the lives of many people and the future of our Army!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 9 at 2015 9:40 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 21:40:58 -0400

Sorry to hear that. It's seems the military likes to commit crimes against family and fail understand morale issue and retention problems.

Response by CSM Carl Cunningham made Sep 10 at 2015 12:37 AM

CSM Carl Cunningham — Thu, 10 Sep 2015 00:37:57 -0400

Thank you all for the kind comments, but I want to make something clear. I was not looking to make this post about me in anyway. I wanted to ask the question to see if it is happening to other Soldiers out there, but I wanted to give context by explaining what I went through. I have been treated pretty crappy but that is ok, I overcame it obviously. I just want to reach out to others that may be experiencing what I went through so I can help them. Keep on keepin' on RallyPoint!

Response by CPT Richard Riley made Sep 10 at 2015 7:49 AM

CPT Richard Riley — Thu, 10 Sep 2015 07:49:55 -0400

Any individual who decides to judge others based on a false premise has walked down the wrong path. I have found, more often than not, disabilities tend to bring out the unique attributes so many are missing. From my perspective, your wife does nothing to hold you back, but stands with you to push you forward and through the ignorance. You have my thanks and congratulations on an outstanding job.

Response by SPC Sheila Lewis made Sep 10 at 2015 12:50 PM

SPC Sheila Lewis — Thu, 10 Sep 2015 12:50:19 -0400

Absolutely Not.

Response by TSgt Melissa Post made Sep 10 at 2015 1:47 PM

TSgt Melissa Post — Thu, 10 Sep 2015 13:47:01 -0400

since when is the medical status of a spouse, or anything with a spouse for that matter, taken in consideration for promotion? In my opinion, anyone who looks at that is looking at the wrong information to base a promotion on. your promotions should be based on your knowledge of the job, ability to perform, and leadership skills. nothing else.

Response by SPC Lance Davis made Sep 10 at 2015 4:14 PM

SPC Lance Davis — Thu, 10 Sep 2015 16:14:08 -0400

SGM, Thank you for taking a stand and being there for the love of your life. The situation you described is not that uncommon. I remember my wife having to register with EFMP because of a blood disorder and it limited my re-enlistment options. On top of that I was told to choose between my wife or the military as to who came first.

The military is like a concrete wall: it refuses to change and when it does the changes are slow in coming, unless it is a political hot button issue.

As a Rehabilitation Counseling graduate student and a veteran, I salute you for standing strong.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 10 at 2015 9:45 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 10 Sep 2015 21:45:24 -0400

Sounds like true love to me. Hiding that would be a travesty. I agree with CW2 J.D. Walker, MSWE where he says these leaders saying you should hide your wife with disabilities have no place in our military or any leadership role.

Response by CW4 Russ Hamilton (Ret) made Sep 12 at 2015 2:41 AM

CW4 Russ Hamilton (Ret) — Sat, 12 Sep 2015 02:41:42 -0400

This can't be a "thing" in this day and age. At least I certainly hope not. SGM Cunningham, did you report this to anyone? IG? This is despicable.

Response by MSgt Michael Smith made Nov 20 at 2018 8:56 AM

MSgt Michael Smith — Tue, 20 Nov 2018 08:56:18 -0500

That is absolutely disgusting and I would seriously f up anyone who said something like that about my spouse. Last time I checked your spouse has zero to do with promotability.