Divorce and Deployment: Children involved

PO1 Shahida Marmol — Thu, 06 Aug 2015 14:32:08 -0400

This is a message I received today, sorry for all the grammatical errors. It makes me feel sad, but at the same time I feel like my ex wants me to feel bad so I can give him another chance... That won't ever happen. Anyway, if my son truly feels this way, how do I PCS out of state (or OCONUS if I get my way) without devastating him?

"We was driving home and a song came on and he said I don't like this song cause it makes me miss my mom and I said so why when he talks to you he doesn't talk for a long time he told me he misses you so much that he gets nervous talking to you and doesn't know what to say. Then he said he get wait for you to get a new house so we all can live together and I told him it will just be you and the kids and he said no I want you to come with us I told I couldn't cause your not my girlfriend no more so we can't live together then he said she's your wife you supposed to live with your wife and kids and I told you wasn't my wife anymore we just friends and he got mad. He said I need to fix the problem so I can live with yall cause I'm his dad and your his mom we supposed to be a family and live together so he told me to fix it with a attitude and was mad at me."

I don't want to break my son's heart anymore, but I can't put my life (and career) on hold just to be close to his father.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 6 at 2015 2:37 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 06 Aug 2015 14:37:59 -0400

I don't think there is a way for you to PCS and be away from your son and keep him from missing you, unless you're willing to fight for full custody and take him with you.

Response by SCPO David Lockwood made Aug 6 at 2015 2:38 PM

SCPO David Lockwood — Thu, 06 Aug 2015 14:38:11 -0400

Not a situation that you want to be in ever. If I were you I would find time to talk to your son and find out exactly how he feels. Do the best you can to let him know what is happening, bring it to his level and talk to him. Let him know that you love him and that you will write and call him as much as you can. It's tough when there are kids involved. Good luck!

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 6 at 2015 2:48 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 06 Aug 2015 14:48:50 -0400

How old is your son? It would be the best COA to sit him down and explain it to him in a way that he can understand that Mommy and Daddy dont live together anymore because of XYZ reason. Dont lie to him (he'll only resent you for it later), but he doesnt need to know all the little details either.

Response by SGT Jeremiah B. made Aug 6 at 2015 2:56 PM

SGT Jeremiah B. — Thu, 06 Aug 2015 14:56:15 -0400

Yeah, that sucks. I was faced with a similar delimma when my wife and I were going through a rough patch. I think you may be at a personal crossroads. Anything that separates your child from one of his parents is going to have serious consequences both to the child and their relationship with the distant parent (and even the one that takes them away from the other!). That's going to be something you're going to have to wrestle with when it's time to re-up. Without knowing the dynamics there, I can't even begin to speak into that.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 6 at 2015 5:49 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 06 Aug 2015 17:49:21 -0400

My heart goes out to you, PO1 Shahida Marmol. I too am going through a divorce - three kids for me - and it has been very hard on them. I have heard them say things that are heartbreaking. Two weeks ago, my wife forgot her son's 8th birthday, then wasn't there when we went to an amusement park to celebrate. He has been talking about it ever since. Just today she told me that she would be going to a party on Friday... our youngest son's third birthday. She just forgot. Her new social life is more important.
That and other reasons are why I will be the primary custodian.
But...
They need their mother. She is very important to them, and they crave her attention as much as they resent her absence.
My advice is to do whatever you can to be as close to your kids as you can. Do not let yourself be manipulated, but your ex might just be conveying a message you need to hear.
It hurts me badly every time my children tell me they want their mother and I to be together again. Sometimes, I do too, for their sake. But there are reasons why we are no longer together, and they won't get better playing house. You deserve a chance at a happy future with someone who will love and appreciate you.
Take leave. Bring your son somewhere fun. Hug him and tell him you love him. Make happy memories. He needs you, and doesn't know how to say it. If you can, give him a forum to tell you how he feels. His father is likely not doing you any favors explaining why things are the way they are in a favorable light. Be your own voice.

I'll pray for you tonight. Your story hits me very close to home, just from the other side of the divorce.
Good luck, Shahida.

Response by COL Charles Williams made Aug 6 at 2015 11:04 PM

COL Charles Williams — Thu, 06 Aug 2015 23:04:33 -0400

Not a good or easy situation PO1 Shahida Marmol. I would recommend you seek legal advice. I would focus on what is best for you and your son. I knew lots if families who were divorced, had joint custody, lived far apart and made it work. That is assuming you want joint custody. Focus on you and your son, that is where the solution lies.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 7 at 2015 12:37 AM

LCDR Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 07 Aug 2015 00:37:10 -0400

PO1 Shahida Marmol I obviously don't know the specifics of the situation, and I don't need to, that's your business and we shouldn't intrude in it unless you want to share it individually.

What I will say is that feels manipulative. I doubt that is what your son said unless he was heavily swayed by something your ex said. What I would say to make sure you ask yourself is if the reasons you are separated have changed. If they haven't, then getting back together isn't the answer. You can healthily support and love your son as two divorced parents, and in time you will be able to love and support him together, without your personal conflicts interfering. The road can be long, and it can suck, but it is worth it for your son.

My parents divorced before I was 2. They didn't agree on much, but now, 30+ years later, they can be in the same room, they can have conversations. My step-father and father can joke and talk. My mother and step-mother can do the same. I know my children will have 4 loving grandparents who are happy instead of 2 who hate each other. It was worth it to continue to do what was best for them and not try to "make it work" for my sake.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 7 at 2015 1:02 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 07 Aug 2015 01:02:12 -0400

A lot of times, the things we do in our careers, our children will never truly understand. Yes, we are suppose to be there for our kids and protect them, but when people go through divorce and break-ups, the real losers in it are the kids. But that is what happens in life, things we cant really explain to them.
If you are truly finished with the ex, maybe you and your son can go to some kind of family counseling together and work on your own relationship. Kids at a young age never know the reasons why parents split up.
And if your job causes you to PCS, take it and go with it. your career is what keeps you stable. Your son will understand in time why you had to leave.

Response by PO1 John Miller made Aug 7 at 2015 3:46 AM

PO1 John Miller — Fri, 07 Aug 2015 03:46:57 -0400

I'm not divorced so I can't pretend I know what that's like but I am a parent and I know how much my daughter misses me when I'm at work or if I've been gone for a few days on business. She also gets upset if my wife and I argue in front of her. At least that part has helped my wife and I cut back on our arguing.

Response by SSG James Kirkland made Aug 7 at 2015 6:04 PM

SSG James Kirkland — Fri, 07 Aug 2015 18:04:58 -0400

Do what is best for you and your son. I don't know the full extent of the breakup, but if the ex was abusive in any way, don't go back.

Response by SSgt Alex Robinson made Aug 7 at 2015 6:07 PM

SSgt Alex Robinson — Fri, 07 Aug 2015 18:07:49 -0400

Oh wow. I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you. I wish I could give you any advice but words fail me. Leaving a child is one of the most difficult thing a parent can do.

Response by PO1 John Miller made Aug 8 at 2015 4:22 AM

PO1 John Miller — Sat, 08 Aug 2015 04:22:13 -0400

For what it's worth, this is the reason why I put off having a kid.

I didn't even get married until I had been in the Navy for 12 years. My daughter was born 7 months before I retired. I was on WESTPAC so I did miss her birth. But my wife and I decided that we didn't want to be a "typical" military family where the service member is always gone. Yes it's hard raising a 3 year old when I'm 41 and most people my age have children who are in high school or close to it (I even know some people my age who are already grandparents), but because of my military career I'm glad I waited so now I can be truly involved in my daughter's life.

And yes I know my situation is very untypical, lol.

I guess at the end of the day you have to decide for yourself what is best for you and your son. But if you do decide to get out, make sure you have a plan first!

Response by CAPT Don Bosch, EdD made Aug 11 at 2015 2:57 PM

CAPT Don Bosch, EdD — Tue, 11 Aug 2015 14:57:22 -0400

"I don't want to break my son's heart anymore, but I can't put my life (and career) on hold just to be close to his father."

Shipmate, a career is always out there. A healthy, happy kid with two great parents who are making their lives work together - that sort of success is very rare indeed.