When should I pursue a divorce? Before, during or after deployment?

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 27 Jun 2023 20:41:11 -0400

Currently serving in the guard and recently had a DM charge against me. Leadership strongly recommends I divorce her and I agreed. However I have an upcoming deployment i volunteered for in October and I would like to know the best course of action. My court is on July 5th and I’m very confident they will dismiss the charges since nothing horrible actually did happen. I’m open to all advice, thank you.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 27 at 2023 9:51 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 27 Jun 2023 21:51:06 -0400

I would advise you to ask legal questions in a private forum and not somewhere where your question/answer could be used against you in family court. (not an attorney)

Response by COL Randall C. made Jun 27 at 2023 10:06 PM

COL Randall C. — Tue, 27 Jun 2023 22:06:22 -0400

Your best course of action would be to speak to a lawyer familiar with family law. Divorces that happen while on active duty are handled a bit differently than those that occur when you're not (or rather, they COULD be handled differently as other laws could come to bear).

The Wyoming Military Department provides access to Soldier & Family Readiness Specialists* which appears to allow you to tap into these services provided to WYARNG Soldiers.

Additionally, if you have pre-activation orders (sometimes called 'delayed effective date' orders), you MAY be eligible for legal assistance as if you were an active duty Soldier (i.e., free legal advice). You may be able to tap into the 90th Missile Wing Legal Assistance at Warren AFB* as they are the closest legal assistance to you.

Finally, if all else fails (or, you can start with them, you can hardly go wrong using them as your first call), call Military OneSource [login to see] ) and talk to one of the counselors there and they can route you to someone that can assist (if you're eligible).
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* WYMD S&FRS - https://www.wyomilitary.wyo.gov/resources/family-programs-3/soldier-and-family-readiness-specialists/
* 90th MW/JA - 6307 Randall Ave. Suite 209 [Bldg 232], Cheyenne, WY 82005, Phone: [login to see] (other locations can be found using the Armed Forces Legal Assistance locator - https://legalassistance.law.af.mil/)

Soldier & Family Readiness Specialists - Wyoming Military Department

Soldier & Family Readiness Specialists Formerly known as Family Assistance Centers – We provide 24/7 support to Service Members, Families and Veterans to assist with any issues they may encounter. Essential services include crisis intervention, legal, financial, TRICARE, Employment Assistance, Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System and Family Readiness Group issues support. Marc Hernandez Lead |…Read More »Soldier & Family...

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 28 at 2023 9:24 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 28 Jun 2023 09:24:16 -0400

Look into the requirements and timeline for your state. Some states require at least 3 months between filing and finalizing. The timeline may factor into weither or not it would be possible to complete before you deploy

Response by CSM William Everroad made Jun 28 at 2023 9:31 AM

CSM William Everroad — Wed, 28 Jun 2023 09:31:15 -0400

SPC Private RallyPoint Member, with CPT Private RallyPoint Member's advice in mind and I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice, merely my experience with Soldiers who have sought relationship advice:

When it comes to long term relationships and deployments, I tend to counsel Soldiers to speak to family readiness specialists and the Chaplain for relationship help. Especially if the relationship is on the rocks. Avoid the barracks lawyers and your buddies, unless they have been in your exact circumstances with the same person, they are making their best guess about what could might possibly happen.

The advice changes depending on the type of relationship: live-in partner, new marriage, old marriage, casual, etc; and the nature of the issues causing conflict in the relationship. Since you asked "when you should pursue a divorce" versus "should I pursue a divorce", my guess is you feel, right now, that the relationship is over, but the impact of marriage and the subsequent repercussions will not be, go into this with that in mind.

Divorce outcomes can also vary widely depending on the state you are in. Some of the things you can expect to have to address are alimony and child support, depending on your situation and state.

If you are interested in divorce, talk to a divorce lawyer. Unless your state allows no-contest divorce and you know 100% for a fact that your spouse is on board with it, this will most likely go to court and they may not docket you until after you have left CONUS. In which case you need to have your deployment orders on file with the clerk of court for them to postpone the hearing, otherwise they will issue judgment in your absence (unless you have retained an attorney who will appear on your behalf).

Marriage is sticky when it comes to dissolution. There are custody concerns, separation of any assets, what happens to the livelihood of both parties that were accustomed to a joint income lifestyle (or sole income if one doesn't work). That why marriage counseling before and during the union is my #1 recommendation.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 28 at 2023 11:21 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 28 Jun 2023 11:21:26 -0400

Speak to JAG, they can offer some advice but probably not act as your attorney

Response by SSgt Christophe Murphy made Jun 28 at 2023 11:33 AM

SSgt Christophe Murphy — Wed, 28 Jun 2023 11:33:42 -0400

You need to speak to someone with a legal background and specifically family/divorce law. Bad news doesn't age well and that includes divorce. If this is the route you want to take you should be proactive. That means protecting yourself and your personal assets. Protect your accounts, remove any existing power of attorney and start the legal process for divorce. Its not normally a fast process these days so the sooner you start the sooner it is adjudicated. Good Luck

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 28 at 2023 2:23 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 28 Jun 2023 14:23:50 -0400

You need to find a family law attorney in your area who offers free consultations to get an idea what your options are. That's the only person who can give you actual, legit legal advice and you probably want to hire an attorney anyway. The free consulations are usually 30 min if a lawyer offers one otherwise they usually charge the hourly rate for a consultation.

And yes don't post on public forums with your name...if you do go to a legal forum you can use a user name but realize that's not legit legal advice either as many forums have people participating who aren't lawyers. And even if there are lawyers, they can't give legal advice either technically.

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 28 at 2023 3:32 PM

SGM Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 28 Jun 2023 15:32:49 -0400

Not sure when your deployment date is, but you should probably ensure your name is no longer on any credit or bank account she has access, and that she has no POA for you to prior to deploying.
Folks in your situation often come back to $20-$30K in debt from the ex having the access to do damage.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 29 at 2023 7:45 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 29 Jun 2023 19:45:05 -0400

I will give you a bit of advice. First, if you want to get divorced get it ASAP. Do not wait for year. When you are on active duty you will be required to pay your separated spouse IAW AR 608-99. As soon as your spouse speaks to a lawyer they will find out things like this. It gives the spouse the ability to pay the lawyer. If possible you can ask your spouse if she willing to divorce and the both of you can come to an agreement and settle things. This will save you time and money. I would not wait on the deployment to get the divorce. I have never met anyone that was glad they waited to get a divorce. I can tell you from experience my regret is that I didn't act fast enough.

Response by PO2 Paul Dempsey made Jun 30 at 2023 10:12 AM

PO2 Paul Dempsey — Fri, 30 Jun 2023 10:12:01 -0400

Before you hit the I've been married 10 year mark. After 10 years the former wife is entitled to 50% of your retirement. If getting divorced do so before a deployment. My thought anyway

Response by SSG Bill McCoy made Jun 30 at 2023 8:36 PM

SSG Bill McCoy — Fri, 30 Jun 2023 20:36:32 -0400

Well, that's what the Staff Judge Advocate is for - legal advice and cousel.
Logically though, IF there is a question of support incidental to a divorce, your pay will be higher on deployment if it's to a hazardous duty area. Thus, your support "could be" higher and you would probably have to have a hearing post-deployment to get it lowered. Just food for thought that may not apply.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jul 1 at 2023 11:38 AM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Sat, 01 Jul 2023 11:38:58 -0400

Make sure you have a plan for joint debts and banking to minimize your risk for financial liabilities.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jul 7 at 2023 2:11 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 14:11:11 -0400

Also. Keep a log of important events and communications just in case the divorce gets heated. If this scenario comes true, the log will make her look foolish if she does not have one.

Response by Cpl Craig Howard made Jul 13 at 2023 1:54 AM

Cpl Craig Howard — Thu, 13 Jul 2023 01:54:27 -0400

DO NOT leave this until you return. You may never recover if you do. You want to at least get all of your affairs in order and out of her reach. My divorce started 4 months before I even knew my wife had left me since I was in the Persian Gulf at the time.

Response by CPL Matthew Neske made Jul 13 at 2023 8:01 PM

CPL Matthew Neske — Thu, 13 Jul 2023 20:01:25 -0400

Pay for a civilian lawyer and also speak to a military lawyer as to what she can take from you now and in the future.

Response by SGT Arnold Knight made Jul 20 at 2023 3:47 PM

SGT Arnold Knight — Thu, 20 Jul 2023 15:47:36 -0400

My suggestion is hide as much money and pay off bills prior of fileing

Response by CPT Blake Harrah made Aug 15 at 2023 6:48 AM

CPT Blake Harrah — Tue, 15 Aug 2023 06:48:29 -0400

First off, your leadership in official capacity shouldn’t being advising you to get a divorce. That is a decision for and your spouse and you alone. They should be advising you to approach legal or counseling and then you go from there. Best of luck.

Response by Elian Mcbride made Apr 24 at 2024 7:07 PM

Elian Mcbride — Wed, 24 Apr 2024 19:07:10 -0400

I can't imagine how challenging this situation must be for you. It sounds like you're going through a lot.
It's positive that you're confident the charges will be dismissed, but it's still crucial to be prepared. I would recommend seeking advice from a domestic violence attorney in Oceanside ( https://www.divorcelawyersoceanside.com/family-law/domestic-violence/ ). They can provide you with legal guidance tailored to your specific circumstances and help you navigate the court process.
Regarding your decision about divorce, it's a significant step and one that should be considered carefully. It's essential to prioritize your well-being and seek support from trusted sources during this time.
Stay strong and take care!

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