Divorce in the military... Military's fault? Or not

PV2 Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 23 May 2014 19:05:33 -0400

My wife has seperation issues and due to myself being gone weve had issues in our marriage, wondering if people think its the military's fault for this type of thing or the individual couple for not resolving issues before they spiral out of control?

Response by SGM Matthew Quick made May 23 at 2014 7:37 PM

SGM Matthew Quick — Fri, 23 May 2014 19:37:25 -0400

No, not the military's fault; but can be a contributing factor if the parties concerned are not strong enough to handle separation.

Encourage your wife to get involved in the unit's FRG and seek counseling (individual/marriage)...counseling should not just be used when there are issues.

Response by PO1 G. Leslie /Stiltner made May 23 at 2014 9:56 PM

PO1 G. Leslie /Stiltner — Fri, 23 May 2014 21:56:42 -0400

No, the Military is not at fault. Not sure of the statistics but I bet if some one researched them they would find that couple that are in their 20's and younger are getting divorced more than older couples. My husband and I met on recruiting Duty, we got married after 2 years of dating, I was 28 and 32. We had three young children within the first three years of our Marriage. He spent most of that time out to sea and was only there to see one child born. I was also active Duty until my third child was born, she had a heart defect and required special care so I took a hardship Discharge. He continued on with his carrier and retired after 21 years in 2003. We are still married and I contribute that to us being older and more mature when we got married and I truly believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I was his second marriage though and his first wife left the first time he went out to sea!! They were young!! Unfortunately it not just the Military that requires you to choose between family and work but civilian companies do the same. Where the Navy was swift to get my husband home for my Daughters open heart surgery when he was off the coast of Korea. At his current job when she had spinal surgery to correct her scoliosis he was afraid to take the time off because they were having lots of lay offs and he felt he may be cut if he asked for time off. So we make sacrifices and spouses need to counseled on what they are getting into. It used to be you had to ask your chain of command for permission to get married if you were in the military.

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made May 24 at 2014 6:06 PM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Sat, 24 May 2014 18:06:07 -0400

IMHO, the military is just another of life's avenues not a marriage breaker. Both you and your spouse need to understand each other and how the military will affect your marriage before during and after your military career.

I dealt with my share of issues with younger soldiers who married young, had kids right away and then were in over their head before they knew it, because they didn't talk or it was one of those, "me man, you woman, I expect..." relationships.

Response by SSG Audwin Scott made Nov 23 at 2015 9:53 AM

SSG Audwin Scott — Mon, 23 Nov 2015 09:53:12 -0500

I would say its all on the military but I can say the military doesn't help the case either by being away long periods of time from each other.

Response by MCPO Roger Collins made Nov 23 at 2015 11:09 AM

MCPO Roger Collins — Mon, 23 Nov 2015 11:09:07 -0500

Hmmm. I guess I will have to ask my wife of 55 years.

Response by PO1 Glenn Boucher made Nov 24 at 2015 2:46 PM

PO1 Glenn Boucher — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 14:46:08 -0500

It sucks when a marriage has issues and in the military its somehow worsened because of long or unexpected deployments and those take tolls on the entire family.
I think in the military its seen as worse because of our smaller community when compared to the civilian side.
And I know everyone is going to say let your spouse get involved with various groups or organizations to help her when your deployed. But those are not the answer for everyone.
My wife never joined in any of those groups and I am not sure why, maybe because her mom was our dependent and lived with us for awhile or that her sisters were also married to Navy guys and we were all fortunate to be stationed close to each other. Yes, my situation is rare I know.
We all have to deal with the separation as best we can and we all deal with it differently.
I would say get some counseling and talk about things openly and honestly, no holds barred and no hard feelings when something unpopular is said.
Its tough to be in the military let alone have a wife and kids.
Good luck and hope everything works out.

Response by LTC Henry Barber made Nov 27 at 2015 1:18 PM

LTC Henry Barber — Fri, 27 Nov 2015 13:18:26 -0500

Expectations, maturity, and true love.

Response by SFC Stephen King made Nov 27 at 2015 1:25 PM

SFC Stephen King — Fri, 27 Nov 2015 13:25:58 -0500

PV2 Private RallyPoint Member the absolute hardest job in the military is a spouse of a military member. Having been married for over 20 yrs I have seen it first hand. Others have mentioned people to talk to I recommend the MFLC.

Response by SSgt Khanh Pham made Nov 27 at 2015 1:35 PM

SSgt Khanh Pham — Fri, 27 Nov 2015 13:35:58 -0500

Military is bad for your marriage. You can leave the military and decrease your problems. You can improve your relationship skills. Either way, that problem you mentioned need priority 1. it affects everything.