Do Family Readiness Groups (FRG) really help the family or are they just gossip groups?

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 15:57:33 -0400

Over my many years of service I have seen good and bad FRGs. Some that are there for family, some for the Soldier and some to just start drama through gossip. What are some of your experiences and what makes them successful or unsuccessful.

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Response by Col Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2015 3:57 PM

Col Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 15:57:51 -0400

They helped me and my wife greatly during my first deployment! My wife needed reassurance and folks that were willing to help with certain things. As a result, we both had piece of mind.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2015 3:58 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 15:58:27 -0400

Seen it both ways, good and bad!!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2015 4:03 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 16:03:34 -0400

Ive been stationed at three posts ft drum had a great FRG program, cant say to much about Hood and Bliss though just a bunch of gossip and problems,

Response by SSG Christopher Freeman made Apr 29 at 2015 4:04 PM

SSG Christopher Freeman — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 16:04:59 -0400

The main benefit of the FRG/FRL is for deployment/redeployment IMO. They help push information that would further bog down the PAO. Granted, we deal with families through social media. But, the FRG takes some of the weight off. Plus having someone on the home front relaying information is nice. Beyond that, I see no purpose. I have a meeting every month that I dread because the information is so dry. Technology has further made the FRG program almost obsolete.

Response by COL Jean (John) F. B. made Apr 29 at 2015 4:18 PM

COL Jean (John) F. B. — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 16:18:14 -0400

My experience with Family Readiness Groups is that they were very helpful to families of deployed personnel. I guess it really depends on who runs them and how they run them, as well as the participation it gets from its intended members.

The ones that work the best are the ones run by people who are caring and really want to be of help. That may or may not be the commander's or 1SG/CSM spouses, but, it very well could be if their hearts are into it and they are not just trying to "pull rank" that they do not have.

Commanders and 1SG/CSMs need to be involved and monitor FRGs, even if deployed, and take action to remedy issues that arise from them due to the wrong people being in charge. Key to the success is also having a caring/involved Rear Detachment Commander to provide assistance and advice (as well as keeping the deployed commander informed).

Again, my experience with them has always been positive, but I certainly have heard of some that were not.

Response by SGT Jeanine Mezei made Apr 29 at 2015 4:22 PM

SGT Jeanine Mezei — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 16:22:29 -0400

It can go either way depending on the unit and spouses. As an active duty Soldier I never attended meetings since there was no real need but as a spouse, my experience has been many of the women got together to gossip and criticize other wives based on their appearance or husband's status. I saw this first hand at a spouse retreat when quite a few of the Special Forces wives would not associate with the group support wives because their husbands were not SF. They knew these women, one of the support wives even cleaned some of their homes as a side job, and they acted like she was invisible. Not all wives are there for that purpose and it is important to have leaders emerge in the group who are there to support everyone regardless of their husband's status.

Response by Maj Chris Nelson made Apr 29 at 2015 4:30 PM

Maj Chris Nelson — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 16:30:17 -0400

I deployed to Iraq for 4 months out of Wilford Hall, Lackland AFB in San Antonio in 2008 and then again for a 10 month deployment out of Malmstrom AFB in MT to Afghanistan. In BOTH instances, section, unit, command, base....EVERYONE forgot about my wife and family. My wife had to deal with 1/4 beef going bad in a freezer after a circuit blew in San Antonio in the summer.....not a person called to check on her.... nothing. Did a 10 month.... I had been gone for 6 months and asked her if she had received any invitations to Unit Christmas party....I was informed that "since the day I had left, she had heard not a peep from ANYONE at the base". I was gone from 4 July 2010-1 Apr 11....ALL the major holidays.... she would be invited by friends of hers in other units to participate in functions for deployment families.... she was 'discouraged' from participating because she wasn't on the list, or she wasn't part of Red Horse or.....the list went on..... IF there is a good FRG, I know NOTHING about it. I hold complete contempt for entire chains of command and bases for allowing this to happen. When I depart, I expect my family to be checked on and help ensure my family is doing ok.... I was failed....not once by one command, but TWICE, by 2 commands. My wife will NOT participate in anything on base unless I beg because she feels that we have been burned too many times like this. Military has been a great way of life, but there are still issues that need LOTS of help. If we had been told to expect NO contact/assist, we would not have been bitter about this.... but to be told that they will be taken care of then cut off.....UNEXCUSABLE. FRG needs to go.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2015 4:40 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 16:40:16 -0400

I voted they help the family, but I'd like to caveat that. I think it depends on your unit and command. The best FRG that my wife and I had the privilege to be a part of was at 7th SFG (A). It actually did help out the families. There were more families involved in the FRG here than any other unit I've been in. My wife actually volunteered for a position within it. To me that says a lot. But I have also been in unit where it's nothing but gossip and the wives throw their husbands rank around. I say wives, because I have yet to go to an FRG meeting where I saw a a civilian husband a part of it.

Response by CDR Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2015 6:10 PM

CDR Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 18:10:55 -0400

I've seen them both create drama and do good. My FRG of choice is, well...MY family! I rely far more on those close to me to help keep things in order.

That said, I've seen FRGs help young married troops over and over. In my experience, they've (generally speaking) served the young (junior) ones well, while creating gossip for the more senior folks.

I guess they have their place.

Response by CW3 Kevin Storm made Apr 29 at 2015 7:10 PM

CW3 Kevin Storm — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 19:10:51 -0400

Having been a single soldier all of my career, I can say I have never seen an FRG that ever gave a damn about the significant others of single troops. But that goes hand in hand with the Army and the greater DoD. Not a spouse no information, no support, no nothing.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Apr 29 at 2015 7:39 PM

SFC Mark Merino — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 19:39:58 -0400

I'll bite my tongue and say both. I had one tell the dependents that only officers' wives are ladies and enlisted are women. The gossip is insane, the rumor mills seem to gravitate from them, and CO's spouses fight for the position, but then don't do much. Maybe I just got really unlucky. My ex was a hothead and was not a fan of the military (especially me), or anyone else who didn't cater to her needs over anyone else. I do know that when we lost members in combat, the FRG did a horrible job putting out the info. More than half of the dependents called at home were led to believe that it was their spouse who died. Our last one needed better skills.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 30 at 2015 12:16 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 00:16:12 -0400

I feel like the FRG should have to attend a post-wide FRG class on do's and don'ts. Maybe this would give spouses insight on how to better connect with the community. More or less getting to know your neighbors and the people around you.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 30 at 2015 12:17 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 00:17:31 -0400

Depends on the people involved. I have seen ones that want to do nothing but gossip and I have seen ones that legitly want to help. No real answer, except it depends on who is involved

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Apr 30 at 2015 11:52 AM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 11:52:50 -0400

There is general apathy until the unit gets deployed.

Response by SFC William Swartz Jr made Apr 30 at 2015 12:31 PM

SFC William Swartz Jr — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 12:31:14 -0400

Over the course of my career I saw both the good and the bad of the Wives Club/FRGs that were in the units I belonged to. The Wives Club we had in Germany in the early 90's was probably the best I witnessed as they really were "there" for each other as well as for the Soldiers of the unit, it was not a gossip group by any stretch of the imagination and this was probably due in part to the close knit, family oriented command group that we had. The very first that my wife was involved in was probably the worst, there were only about 5 ladies involved at any one time and they were the same women consistently, to include my wife. For whatever reason there was a lot of gossip from those that never bothered to participate or participated only when there was something for them to gain from it and a lot of issues evolved out of that. When I took over as a PSG and we deployed for what turned out to be OIF-I, my wife took an active role with the FRG after not being involved for almost a decade, and outside of some of the ladies at the BN level that attempted to wear their husband's rank, our company FRG did a good job of keeping everyone involved and informed as well as taking care of one another while we were gone. Most of it, in my opinion, comes down to the attitudes and involvement of the both the unit and the dependent spouses as to whether or not a unit will have a good FRG or merely a gaggle of gossipers that lead to hurt feelings.

Response by SCPO David Lockwood made Apr 30 at 2015 12:45 PM

SCPO David Lockwood — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 12:45:20 -0400

I think it's both. It all depends on who is running the groups.

Response by MSgt Dwyane Watson made Apr 30 at 2015 2:20 PM

MSgt Dwyane Watson — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 14:20:43 -0400

When I ran my flights once a week at the morning meetings we would discuss deployed spouses and and ensured they were being taken care of. There were many times my airmen were at someones house cutting the yard or helping out. I think caring starts with immediate supervisors, and they need to take care of their troops, sometimes us flight chiefs need to help our supervisors remember. I know that the spouses liked being invited out to shop/squadron functions and we made deployed spouse care a priority. Make it a part of your culture and it is easy, you already track your deployed troops so you also make a checklist for the spouses, a good squadron commander should already be doing this, if not take it upon your self to get it noticed and working.

Response by SSG Daniel Deiler made May 1 at 2015 7:34 PM

SSG Daniel Deiler — Fri, 01 May 2015 19:34:38 -0400

Not saying they don't exist because I know that is not the case but I have not seen a good one yet in my nearly 21 years of service. They have all been either social clubs where the spouse takes on the rank of their SO or there is no desire to participate in any event sponsored by the FRG. What I particularly despise are the mandatory FRG meetings held outside of normal duty hours that give no value added. I understand the "why" is because not all Soldiers inform their spouses of what is going on or where to go during a deployment or when a need arises, but I don't feel that FRG's are worth the time and effort put forth by command teams. When there is hours spent planning, gathering resources and setting up an event and only the officers and senior enlisted show up because their OER/NCOER and careers depend on it, it really is a wasted effort because the target audience is at home with their spouse or SO...where they want to be in the first place.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made May 4 at 2015 10:28 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 04 May 2015 10:28:44 -0400

They can be either. I think that in the day before Social Media the FRG and everyone having a cell phone, FRGs had a very useful function. In the world that we live in today, I believe that these groups are slowly becoming outdated and not worth the headache that some of them cause to the command with the gossip that can come from some of them.

Response by CW5 Sam R. Baker made May 4 at 2015 11:44 AM

CW5 Sam R. Baker — Mon, 04 May 2015 11:44:47 -0400

FRG and gossip are to be separated. There are social circles that are NOT FRG related and those should be retained for gossip. The FRG has a mission purpose and that is to professionally send out command information to families while the Service member is overseas or engaged in some type of TCS/TDY training. Gossip should not be allowed and from my foxhole, my wife chose not to participate due to the gossip and rank things that exist. However, she has since learned that there is a distinct separation. it takes a lot of work to get a good FRG operating correctly and then also a social network which has NO MISSION focus other than social networking.

Response by TSgt David Holman made May 5 at 2015 6:19 PM

TSgt David Holman — Tue, 05 May 2015 18:19:08 -0400

This may be an AF ignorance thing, but are you talking about the official capacity one (i.e. Airman Family Readiness Center) or are you talking about a spouses deployment group?

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 5 at 2015 6:31 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 05 May 2015 18:31:35 -0400

I personally having seen any real negatives or positives out of them. The concept is great, but without actually having a strong FRG leader, nothing's going to happen.

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made May 5 at 2015 7:05 PM

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 05 May 2015 19:05:34 -0400

It really depends on two factors: the FRG leader and the Command emphasis.

I have been in units with trashy, gossipy FRG (FSGs) and my wife was sick of it so she became the FRG leader during my tenure in two units. With the help of the commander and rear detachment commander, we had great participation from both spouses and parents of both married and single Soldiers.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made May 6 at 2015 11:09 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 06 May 2015 23:09:12 -0400

Since the FRG is the commanders program, I believe it is the rear-d commander that sets the tone for the group.
If an overly assertive FRG leader is put "in-charge", it can turn spouses away. Who would willingly subject themselves to an unpleasant experience of any kind, particularly when they are already dealing with the challenges of separation that come along with deployment?

Second, It is very common to see rank in the FRG. Nothing is more insulting to a spouse who is respected and successful in their own right than to be talked down to as if thier service members rank somehow prevents them from being treated with equal dignity and respect. Service members signed up knowing they would be subject to the harsh interactions that come with starting at the bottom. Spouses do not, and will not, put up with an imagined hierarchy where they are treated as "lesser".

The FRG absolutely, in theory, is an excellent program. If it runs well, it is fun and serves as an excellent resource. Some of my wife's best experiences come from her time volunteering with the FRG. Sadly, so are some of her worst.

The FRG should be led in close partnership with the commander to ensure that his vision and goals for the group are met throughout the deployment.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 6 at 2015 11:17 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 06 May 2015 23:17:46 -0400

The FRG especially out here has made me more bitter towards it because our leadership has made it mandatory to go to those meetings. My wife received no help from them in Hood when I was injured in Iraq. Not even communication. They are really nothing but a burden. If those family members want to be in it then fine if not then they should be left alone but I haven't seen anything amazing by them. I understand I am speaking due to my being made bitter and from what my wife has said. However I give them no stock for usefulness.

Response by SrA David Steyer made Nov 29 at 2015 3:26 PM

SrA David Steyer — Sun, 29 Nov 2015 15:26:00 -0500

The USAF has their own version of this called Key Spouse. It came about before I joined the military however it really took off in the past couple of years. The idea isn't bad but I do think that some units may benefit better than other units will.

I cannot comment for my last unit where it was implemented and a thing but I know my commander was huge on the program and it may have worked even though I never needed it. I do know some people were looking at me to have my wife take part after I got married but by that time I had six-seven months left in the military and my wife works 50-60+ hours a week.

At my first unit it looks like it's big per the unit Facebook page, and while there are very few people at a time deployed from that unit, it looks like they do a lot of morale things so that's pretty cool.

Response by SFC Christopher Dunlap made May 28 at 2016 6:44 AM

SFC Christopher Dunlap — Sat, 28 May 2016 06:44:30 -0400

I've seen far more harm done than good by FRG's. The worst offence is when a spouse assumes their husband's rank. I've witnessed bullying by the spouses of senior NCO's towards the spouses of the lower enlisted Soldiers. In one instance, an E-4's wife was fed up with the inaction and the gossiping of the 1SG's wife. She started organizing events for the other spouses and trying to do good things. The 1SG's wife felt slighted by this and spread blatant lies about her. The 1SG's wife was telling other wives that the E-4's wife was out clubbing and screwing half of Fort Benning. These rumors made their way back to the Soldier and his performance suffered as could be expected. He was redeployed early. The truth came out eventually, but not before he ended up divorced, penniless, and paying child support for two kids. The 1SG's wife destroyed a marriage and shattered the lives of two kids out of jealousy.

In another instance, I was a young E-4. I arrived at a new duty station while my company was at NTC. One evening while on CQ, a woman came storming into the orderly room demanding to know "who's POS truck was in HER parking spot". Being an 11B in a line unit I knew she didn't have a parking spot because she could not be in our unit. I asked her what she was talking about. She said a blue Chevy truck was in HER parking spot. Well, I had a blue Chevy and I was parked in the 1SG's spot and the CQ was parked in the CO's spot. She went on to state that when her husband, the company 1SG was in the field, that was HER parking spot and if I knew what was good for me I would go move my truck. Being a cocky young E-4 I told her she wasn't the 1SG, wasn't going to give me any orders, and she could go pound sand. She of course told her husband when they got back from NTC and the next morning I had my first introduction to my new 1SG. He admitted his wife was a bossy b!#ch and congratulated me for not taking her crap.