Do you counsel your Soldiers before they get married and if so, what topics do you cover?

MSG Phil Herndon — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 22:47:34 -0500

Response by SFC James Baber made Jan 5 at 2014 11:17 PM

SFC James Baber — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 23:17:45 -0500

Although there is not a lot you can interject because it is their business and not ours, when I was a CFNCO I would recommend the couple come to see me, so we could discuss budgets and combined salaries and financial wants over needs. It was a good base of where to begin, and I would always recommend they also have a chat with the chaplain for some possible marriage counseling if they had some concerns or worries, and our chaplain was very modern in the way he talked to younger couples, was the type that would not hold back and tell you like it was and not sugarcoat it, I was a big fan of that man.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 5 at 2014 11:26 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 23:26:00 -0500

This is just me but I think it is wonderful to counsel because you can tell a troop what to expect and what that marriage means. Long deployments affect the whole family. We used to get tape recordings on mini-reel to reels when dad went to Korea and Thailand. The separation can be hard and I think this is the kind of thing that should be explained. TDYs, Emergency Deployments can happen suddenly. Contingency plans in the case of mobilization.

So many considerations, far more than civilian life.

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 7 at 2014 7:58 AM

SGM Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 07 Jan 2014 07:58:41 -0500

I say yes. People forget that not all counseling is negative. By counseling him/her you need to be supportive and educate him/her. I would inform them of the responsibilities associated with the military. Like DEERS enrollment. I would highly recommend that they get educated on Tricare to help him pick the right one for their needs. Maybe toss in some financial counseling. The problem is our leaders have only used this tool for negative things. Counseling is a great tool! This forum is a sort of counseling, anytime a Soldier asks a question or seeks advice they are looking for "Counsel". Remember, it can be verbal or written. But I would write this one so they would have a list of things and regs to refer to.

SGM Smith

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 18 at 2014 2:17 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 18 Feb 2014 14:17:30 -0500

DEERS, benefits, rights that she will have (to your retirement if it comes to that), also, I cover that they are responsible for the actions of their dependents on post. I have seen soldiers get kicked out of housing in 30days for something a family member did.

Response by SSgt Gregory Guina made Feb 18 at 2014 2:19 PM

SSgt Gregory Guina — Tue, 18 Feb 2014 14:19:32 -0500

The one thing I always ask my junior marines when they tell me they want to get married is "Do you trust her with complete access to all your bank accounts?" If they answer no I tell them that they do not trust them enough to get married at this point in time. I know this isn't a fail safe but it makes them look at their situation from a different perspective and hopefully helps them make a more informed choice. If they still end up getting married I ensure that htey understand all the financial aspects and what they need to do to take care of their spouse and where to find any help necessary.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 18 at 2014 6:59 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 18 Feb 2014 18:59:41 -0500

I had a case recently where one of my Soldiers married another Soldier from another platoon and I wish that she would've given me the chance to counsel her on different things (dual military, she is guard, he is active), set her up with a finance counselor, proper procedure to clear the b's, set up BAH, etc instead of them going the wrong way about this, and instead it turned into a negative counseling with some corrective training attached to it

Response by GySgt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 19 at 2014 2:17 PM

GySgt Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 14:17:40 -0400

I was counseled and I counsel. We were told as boots "you will not get married until approved through the chain of command!" lol

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Sep 1 at 2014 4:30 PM

SFC Mark Merino — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 16:30:48 -0400

I have in the past MSG Phil Herndon and I spoke from the heart, despite my own marriage not being one to emulate. I always said that communication is key and that marriage isn't a competition. Support each other's hopes and dreams and be willing to sacrifice for each other. Also, if you can't trust each other 100% then what is the point of sharing your lives together?

Response by COL Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 1 at 2014 5:11 PM

COL Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 17:11:53 -0400

This is probably not the worst idea. There is merit to it, but you pretty much need to limit yourself to what the Army has to say about marriage. Otherwise, you are dipping into personal opinion about marriage. While that may be ok for you as a counselor...pass that to the train wreck of an NCO in the next platoon. Great NCO, but he's got a freak flag a half mile long. He's the last guy you want talking to someone about marriage.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 16 at 2014 12:41 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 16 Nov 2014 00:41:28 -0500

Don't get involved with strippers or anyone that lives within 100 miles of a military base. Strippers aren't all bad people and not everyone that lives within 100 miles of a military base is attached to the military somehow, but it's best to just avoid them all to err on the side of caution. The last thing you want is to be paying alimony/child support to Gina G-String or finding out that you slept with Mrs. Brigade Commander or Daddy CSMs daughter.

Response by SSG V. Michelle Woods made Jan 11 at 2015 12:15 PM

SSG V. Michelle Woods — Sun, 11 Jan 2015 12:15:24 -0500

I am so grateful for this thread! My soldier is getting married soon and I wasn't sure where to even begin with my responsibilities as her leader.

Does anyone know if there are still limitations on Army dependents' rights in same sex marriages?

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 11 at 2015 12:27 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 11 Jan 2015 12:27:41 -0500

I have not done a formal 4856 for this particular action but I have discussed it verbally.

Many young Soldiers just jump into marriage without thinking about all the ramifications. Like SFC Sean Sewell stated there are many instances where we do not even know a Soldier is thinking about or even doing it.

Maybe we should make it part of a Soldiers initial counseling into the unit. It could also be written as a separate counseling but I believe it should be informative coming to a unit. Especially for first term Soldiers. As far as avoiding what COL Private RallyPoint Member mentioned we could utilize the multitude of organizations assistance when writing it to ensure neutrality.

Bottom line, we as Leaders need to ensure our Soldiers are making an informed decision and not a happy moment one.

Response by SPC(P) Jay Heenan made Jan 11 at 2015 12:45 PM

SPC(P) Jay Heenan — Sun, 11 Jan 2015 12:45:26 -0500

This is a interesting subject. I think counseling to show the SM what services are available to him/her and the spouse, beyond that, you might be considered being offensive. We all also know that 'married couple' who got married to get out of the barracks, PCS to a different area, BAH and probably a million more. Beyond counseling them to show them what services are available, I think anything else could get you in trouble...

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 13 at 2015 12:01 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 13 Jan 2015 00:01:56 -0500

I'd have to say this is probably the worst idea ever. Maybe it's just me. There are so many ways the military noses it's way into every single facet of our lives. Especially as junior soldiers! Room inspections, gear inspections, controlling the food you eat by making you take a meal card etc... But the one thing I try to keep as far away the military influence as possible is my marriage. If my leader ever said ANYTHING to me beyond congrats, I would probably tell them in the most respectful way possible to mind their business. If I need help I will ask. The same goes for my soldiers. I try not to intrude into their personal lives any more than I'm required to. That's not to say that I won't OFFER advice "do you need some help?" Or "if you need ANYTHING, please ask and I would love to help" but that's it. If they want help, I'll help, if not, I realize it's not my place.

Just my two cents.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 13 at 2015 12:27 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 13 Jan 2015 12:27:48 -0500

I do not believe that they need to be counseled in writing, but I do believe that they need to be told informally of their obligations for their dependents and what resources that they have available to them.

Response by LTC David S. Chang, ChFC®, CLU® made Jan 13 at 2015 3:06 PM

LTC David S. Chang, ChFC®, CLU® — Tue, 13 Jan 2015 15:06:23 -0500

I believe we should. If they are open to it, going to see the chaplain can be a good idea (for pre-marital counseling). Even if you are not religious, you can learn quite a few things that will be helpful.

I know for us there is strong bonds, and other programs to help marriages/relationships last. I saw the best soldiers become a shell of their former selves when confronted with marital issues. And it can affect the readiness of the unit. Whatever we can do to support the moral and welfare of the soldier should always be a priority.

Response by CW5 Sam R. Baker made Jan 13 at 2015 4:04 PM

CW5 Sam R. Baker — Tue, 13 Jan 2015 16:04:10 -0500

Leadership should refer all counseling to the Chaplin, when the PC police rid the services of the Chaplin, then it will surely have to be addressed by leadership. It is my belief that getting married should involve counseling, I do remember mine with the unit Chaplin and he was ghostly white saying that he thought we were headed for imminent failure, but he signed the papers anyway. It should be harder to get married, that way the divorce rates may fall to normal levels.

Topics covered in mine were the family trees and special situations, the Chaplin was very clear that extended family severely affect a marriage, and boy was he right.

Response by LTC Stephen C. made Jan 13 at 2015 4:19 PM

LTC Stephen C. — Tue, 13 Jan 2015 16:19:59 -0500

Thoughts on this CH (CPT) Heather Davis?

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 15 at 2015 1:43 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 15 Jan 2015 13:43:10 -0500

yes. but only to the requirements that are inherent with having dependents, IE deers enrollment, tricare enrollment, BAH, housing etc. More to ensure the soldier is doing the right thing by taking care of his/her spouse and/or kids if they are coming with the new spouse.

I've also sat down with both of them and had an informal discussion about the unit, our mission, what she spouse can expect during their stay, what agencies are out there for their support etc. And also so they know who I am so they know who they can call if they need help.

Most of the time I have done this completely informally, nothing on paper, unless the soldier failed to complete basic tasks that are required by regulation, e.g. ID card, Deers, adequate housing, etc.

Response by SPC George Adkins made Apr 19 at 2015 9:13 PM

SPC George Adkins — Sun, 19 Apr 2015 21:13:01 -0400

I'm sorry, but I think counseling soldiers on marriage should be limited to where to get services, etc. Anything beyond that is outside the scope of leadership. As hard as it is to understand for some, the military isn't a substitute parent. Troops need leaders, not another set of Moms and Dads.

Response by SGT Josheua Cooke made Oct 16 at 2015 1:12 AM

SGT Josheua Cooke — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 01:12:17 -0400

Warn of the dangers of meeting/ marrying civilians who reside near major installations. More to the point, if they are or were a stripper I strongly advocate not getting married, as a number of junior soldiers have done so and then gotten robbed blind during the divorce proceedings.

Response by MSG Shawn Eaton made Mar 30 at 2016 6:30 AM

MSG Shawn Eaton — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 06:30:29 -0400

MSG Phil Herndon, I always did. Sometimes the younger Soldiers need to here it from someone else besides friends and family. I would also inform them that was not there trying to sway their decision but only give them advice and information I can in order for them to make the best decision for oneself. BLUF Soldiers have a history of rushing into unfamiliar situations; their problems often became my problems. The topics I covered where: Trust, Loyalty, money, communication, compromise, change, and expectation management.