Do you ever compare notes with someone who did commit suicide to find all the reasons that you should not?

PO3 Aaron Hassay — Fri, 31 Jul 2020 01:12:08 -0400

We are going to make America Great Again! We The People! The Preamble of the Constitution. Read IT!

Yes I am reminded daily, that since I am in VA housing, and finally feeling like an adult, at 44, not struggling to find shelter, for years like I was, then I can actually think about why I am here(joining the Navy at 18) and where I want to go, and how I am going to heal, and how I am going to make a positive impact as a leader.

I had dreams of a 18 year old enlisting in this reserve enlistment I thought I could get educated and become an officer by 22. But well my dreams of getting a wife, and having kids, and making my mom proud and sister and brother know that I was a great brother had to be postponed by some 20 years. Somehow some way I got injured and now it is more understood why and how with the attachment to the ship. You do not need to go far, and many deployments to get injured. You could get injured quickly and right outside your door step, not to mention over years due your assignment to a ship.

death of dreams. but there are new dreams built on the end of dreams...I mean cool story could be told from a car wreck you survived...

I have to say there is a clear 1 2 3 4 punch to survival healing and recovery 1) No drugs or alcohol abuse 2) Good healthy food vegetables and fruits 3) Examining all the perplexing thoughts review your life all the details of it from childhood and military etc and finally getting answers connecting dots to why you feel what you do and building character and exonerating yourself 4) be of help to others by talking about it and being there to listen 5)

I mean lets see. I will bring up numerous people. But regardless who I bring up and the reasons I must say that I will not let others make me do something to appease them. Maybe they want to see me suffer. Maybe they want to see me feel the depth of something darker then they can even fathom. Regardless bliss is knowing that there is light somewhere in this tunnel just on the other side. And it may be very close.

Disclaimer: I know my military experience is statistically unique and rare. But in the end it left me struggling in the streets. The battle was to examine exactly my childhood which would partly explain my military experience and how I coped. I would finally go to the VA in this process. I would finally reread I swore and oath to defend the constitution and finally read the Preamble of the Constitution which states many things about We The People and Justice.

In the end I developed some empathy towards some of those who are employed at the VA who are paid possibly no that well to go through claims and make possibly life altering decisions of approval or denial.

Someone there could have a file in front of them they never seen before. It is so legitimate but they have never seen anything like it. It is denied.

There are in fact legitimate and false claims and they do have to sift through. The Military and VA Disability system is very complicated, with degrees of disability and compensation from 0 to 100. Social Security Disability is simply 0 or 100 no in between. You can work or you can not work. I was already on SSDI for Psych, when years later I finally became aware and started to remember what I experienced in the Navy, and I entered the VA system and had to wait for 5 years just for a homeless housing voucher, because they denied everything based on the fact I had a reserve enlistment. The reserve enlistment was the exact reason I would of got injured and had these issues, because of my duty assignment. But again I am not sure who would have to deal the fact that they are denied simply on their enlistment package, with no care or mention what exactly their assignment was. I knew I was in for a long battle.

I mean what if in training you were unknowingly by accident loaded with weight that no one has ever attempted, and you started to fail, over years chronically, but no one examined the weight, so you were pushing, realized of duty, but those injuries would eventually ....

Thats a weight. The mix of benefits and compensation and leadership to monitory and protect you commensurate with your duty assignment.

So why would anyone just send you into training with a airplane with 1 wing, half a tank of gas, expect you not to fail? Would anyone expect to put you in a swat team part time, with a real reserve unit.

I just can not accept I was not good enough in the Navy. Maybe someone set the bar so high that it has never been achieved..like a high jump of 30 feet. No Human has or ever will. So how was a a guy 18 with a real reserve enlistment supposed to adapt and achieve and not get injured due inexperience and stress assigned part time to an undermanned active duty guided missile frigate for 5 years. Qualified in everything. The apprenticeship was similar to throwing someone at 18 directly into the middle of a NFL Football team, that was understaffed, and saying hey Figure it out, we will find something for you to do, on the interior line, in deck, crunch time baby...and send you home a bit knocked around confused but damn you had pride...but due your real reserve enlistment you don't get health care and your are only paid for the time your there which over the course of a year is below poverty....and then you tried to transfer to another team...a Navy Army transfer 22...you know and you were medically disqualified for multiple medical reasons you would find out 20 years later when someone gave you the records, when you had bottomed out after 20 years of poverty chronic joblessness and being abused by guys who would offer you housing only to suprise you that you were now going to be a sex toy to them..and It is weird what some young man will do when in fact he is lost does not know what reality is and he is somehow supposed to not be in a tent..and he should be dating a girl..but attaining housing takes money and money comes from a job..that you can not maintain because you are going to literally get in a fight with the first person who looks at you funny...

but that was when you were younger...

the active duty guys needed help on the ship because they were undermanned. but some of the full time guys really did notice you did not have experience...and well you get insulted and assaulted for your inexperience that was due you had no experience like them on the ship you both were manning....

so then you go home and your mom is like what is wrong with you?? you fiancé is like what is possibly wrong with you..

then you are like wtf?? nothing is wrong with this guy..this awesome Navy guy ready for war at any given moment...

oh and then you find out that your missing father was a real deal in the jungle infantry soldier 1966 -68 Vietnam....

then you find out that you are not a veteran for veteran purposes...which brought out all that Navy anger...as I was not going to let the VA tell me that I was a piece of junk...because it was to their benefit...

I was like man..do you even know what a ship is?? Do you even know what a guided missle frigate does?? have you ever frozen half to death sea sick on mdidwatch with no cover doing lookout

have you ever gone sleepless for days

have you ever had your life handed back to you in some puzzle

Have you ever been under a helo on the flight deck feeling it was all about to go really bad with the rolls of the ship

have you ever had to deal with some really hard core things that if you failed you get like dead??

do you like being confused in the streets??

I am American and Proud

Response by PO3 Aaron Hassay made Jul 31 at 2020 1:17 AM

PO3 Aaron Hassay — Fri, 31 Jul 2020 01:17:27 -0400

I think we are all proud Americans an we shall all live...I mean we shall all know that we are light....

Response by SSG Roger Ayscue made Jul 31 at 2020 1:37 AM

SSG Roger Ayscue — Fri, 31 Jul 2020 01:37:35 -0400

At one point in my life my wife split, maxed the credit cards, took my kid and left me with the contents of a rucksack and an Aviators Kit Bag, along with thousands of dollars in debt. I tried for a long time to self-medicate, then got married again and she was a serial cheater. I sat one evening with a Beretta and a legal pad, and wrote out a list: Why to do it and Why not to do it.
I had a long list of how life had crapped on me...on the side that said DON'T DO IT, it only said one thing..."WHY?" Why, give up the only life I have? Why, not keep the fight up and win this thing? Who wins if I give up? THEN, God intervened. I sat down and read about a God that loved me, but would not force me to love Him back. I thought about all the times I should have died and did not, because a God I did not even acknowledge spared my life. I took my pile of nothing that I had and I gave it to God, trusting that He who created the Universe, could take my pile of nothing and make something out of it.
Since then, God has given me Forgiveness, Peace, A Family, Love in my life, and a Great Life.
All I can tell you is simply this, if you take your life, there is nothing left for you, no one wins, those that do love you will hurt for a long long time, and it is so unnecessary.
I know that you are thinking..."Oh yeah, here is another guy that is going to talk God to me", but I have to ask: What do you have to loose? CH (MAJ) William Beaver Maj Rev. Fr. Samuel WATERS - Traditional RC Priest

Response by MAJ Dale E. Wilson, Ph.D. made Jul 31 at 2020 4:03 AM

MAJ Dale E. Wilson, Ph.D. — Fri, 31 Jul 2020 04:03:25 -0400

During the breakup of my 2d marriage I was attending CAS-Cubed at Ft. Leavenworth. Overwhelmed by a feeling of loss, alone and overtired, I took an overdose of Tylenol (an entire bottle) and left a note for the two officers I shared a three-bedroom unit with. Fortunately for me, they came back early from dinner, found me and called 9-1-1. My life was saved and, because I had an awesome staff group leader who went to bat for me, my career was saved and I went on to earn a BZ promotion to major while attending fully funded grad school in preparation for teaching at USMA. Taking your life simply is not the answer. . . .

Response by LTC John Griscom made Jul 31 at 2020 6:41 AM

LTC John Griscom — Fri, 31 Jul 2020 06:41:45 -0400

The primary item on my list is having seen what it does to the family and friends left behind to wonder they could have done to prevent it.

Response by GySgt Thomas Vick made Jul 31 at 2020 10:16 AM

GySgt Thomas Vick — Fri, 31 Jul 2020 10:16:37 -0400

Sometimes comparing notes helps you to find that light at the end of the tunnel

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 1 at 2020 2:31 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Sat, 01 Aug 2020 14:31:52 -0400

I had severe PTSD for a couple years. I thought about throwing in the towel every day. The mental and emotional pain were insufferable. It really was tough dealing with racing thoughts, depression, guilt, anxiety, and fear. The fear that you will never be fixed. One day I sat down and thought about suicide and took a journey in my mind. I concluded suicide is not an option because it would hurt the family and suicide often runs in families. That gave me freedom from that burden. I am a huge advocate of finding that switch in people to turn off reasons to die to reasons to live.

None of my therapists could connect with me so I eventually healed myself. It took years full of anguish that I had to live through. There were an infinite number of times that my constitution was comprised by these horribly negative attributes wrapped tightly by my skin.

One cold and snowy winter I went into the forest with an ax to fell smaller trees to open up the forest. For a few hours I reduced my existence to the tree, me, and the ax. Each day I endeavored to conduct my pilgrimage to the forest. I was emotionally numb as I counted how many swipes it entailed to cut down a tree. Feeling nothing at all is better than feeling pain.

For some reason I decided to write a PTSD/Depression Paper to encapsulate my mental and emotional journey. Perhaps a little angel on my shoulders ever so quietly beckoned me to write the paper. Perhaps I have a moral obligation to help others. Perhaps as a retired Army Officer who flew in helicopters and rode in tanks, I was motivated by my innate desire to lead. Here is my paper called Love Squared. It has helped many people.

My wings are fixed now, but I will never fly the same way again.

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