Do you have any Humor in Uniform stories to share?

2015-07-06T22:57:39-04:00

We were running 24hr Ops and I received a call from a SFC.. She excitedly said Ma'am we're in a sand storm it's really bad, tents are being blown away, latrines have been blown over...can you help? I replied SGT W.... I control a lot of things the weather isn't one of them. The best I can do is drive out there and help you hold the tents down and it will take me about 2 hours to get to you because of the check points...long pause of silence ... then laughter coming through as she thought about what she had said to me...

Response by LTC John Shaw made Jul 6 at 2015 11:05 PM

2015-07-06T23:05:58-04:00

I always have to laugh that in Kandahar AFB the main laundry point is less than 100M from the poop pond. Your clothes maybe freshly laundered but EVERYTHING smells like cr@p!

Response by SSG Paul Setterholm made Jul 6 at 2015 11:29 PM

2015-07-06T23:29:24-04:00

I could write a book. The infamous "circle of wagons" ,mooning the soviets at the Berlin Wall, etc.
I will try to write a couple quick ones. When we still had howitzers, we had a killer joe exercise(direct fire with artillery) the forward observers and I were standing next to a dead tree theat was next to one of the m109's. They fired and the tree exploded. I thought it was from the recoil. One of the officers calmly said,"no, it was shrapnel that shot back." "And we are standing here!?" I stood way back after the 1st volley.
I was infantry on active duty. When I join the guard, the bn Cdr took me to see the guns fire. He said,"stand here and you can see the round leave the tube." He went into the poc and when 1st round went off the round ripped through the trees and a metal plate came off the back of the round. Everyone yelled cease fire and exited the guns. While we were waiting around for range control, I walked out into the woods to see if I could find that plate. I didn't. Years later, I found out it was a misfire and I didn't know what had happened. It was the 1st time I'd seen one fire. I thought it was strange that they would shoot through the trees but no one asked me what I saw.

Response by PO2 Steven Erickson made Jul 6 at 2015 11:49 PM

2015-07-06T23:49:48-04:00

Long, long ago, in a submarine far, far away...

It was a midshipman cruise... every summer, some of the Naval Academy midshipmen (3rd year, I think) go out to the fleet for a taste of what the Navy is really like.

We're underway, it's late at night, and the middies are watching a movie in crew's mess. It was "Lost Boys" - I'll never forget it. Anyway, a couple of the saltier nukes decided it would be fun to "interrupt" the scary move.

They took about three or four green glow sticks, activated 'em, broke 'em open and smeared them all over one of the other nukes. He stumbles up into the darkened crew's mess, gurgles some nonsense crap, then pretends to pass out on the floor - right in the middle of crew's mess.

Three more nukes show up - wearing full anti-C's (canary suits) with respirators and everything. Two of 'em grab the first guy and drag him off. The third guy wipes up the floor and turns around to leave. He stops, turns back to the middies and growls in his best halting Darth Vader respirator speak... "No one (inhale) saw anything (inhale). Nothing (inhale)." and scurries off after the others.

If there had been crickets on that sub, even THEY would have been dumbstruck...

Captain told us that it was "... the funniest damn'd thing I've ever seen done to a bunch of plebes" then OFFICIALLY told us "... don't you EVER do that again!"

And THAT is why the 1988 graduating class of Annapolis had more officers go USMC than anytime in the previous 10 years...

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Jul 7 at 2015 2:03 AM

2015-07-07T02:03:11-04:00

I'm trying to think of a "clean" one. You pull crap when deployed that you'd get rung up for by the REMFs in CONUS. We had an XO down in Antarctica who was obnoxious and several floats short of a parade. "The Crew" went into conspiracy mode at the club and this Engineer (who me?) decided a good prank would be to inflate a weather balloon in the XO's stateroom. So we grabbed some six packs, a 10 MIC weather balloon, air compressor, fork lift and pallet and went outside. I remember having the plastic ring on a now five pack on my belt as the fork lifted me up to the window. Just as we fired up the compressor, my roommate, a dentist, came around the corner dragging an H-Cylinder of nitrous oxide to "help". So we had the full operation going when the Skipper came around the corner too and asked what the hell was going on. I was some sight standing on that pallet 2 stories up saluting and telling the Skipper about the covert ops in small words because all the beer blocked the big ones. After getting a chuckle and "Carry On", we finished and put everything away.

Well you can't keep a secret around Mac Town so it was student body right when the XO unlocked his door, charged in, only to have the door reject him and throw him back out into the passageway. After two more failed attempts, the XO squeezed in, pulled his knife and popped the balloon. Then we heard a thump. Guess Ray got the mixture right because the XO went into Never Land and slept all through Sunday. He was trying to round some of us up for Church on Monday with us telling him what day it was and we had to get to work. XO just stood there with a blank face for a long time.

I drank free for a month. Remind me sometime to tell you what I did to drink free for the rest of the deployment.

Response by PO3 David Fries made Jul 7 at 2015 6:49 AM

2015-07-07T06:49:06-04:00

I don't even know where to begin. My entire enlistment almost feels like it could be a long episode of MASH. Pulling pranks seemed to be the order of the day every day. I'll stick to one though.

It was my first week with Lima 3/3. Tuesday was wart day at the Aid Station. We shared a single container of liquid nitrogen between all the units in our Regiment ( 2/3, RAS, and 1/12). Well that meant we had to get creative with a container to hold it in. We used a plastic container wrapped in an ace bandage. Well one of the other docs in my company said he was going to get a refill, came back and dumped it down the back of my shirt. I freaked. I'll grudgingly admit to probably screaming. Luckily it was just cold water.

Response by PO1 John Miller made Jul 7 at 2015 12:08 PM

2015-07-07T12:08:17-04:00

I was a Radioman Third Class on the USNS Pecos (civilian ran ship with a small Navy department). We were returning to Naval Station San Diego after a short underway (1 or 2 weeks). When returning to NAVSTA SD, you have to pass underneath the Coronado Bay Bridge. We had a new LPO (Leading Petty Officer) who had never been on a ship before. We convinced her that we had to lower the ship's mast before we got to the bridge because it was too tall to fit underneath the bridge (the mast can be lowered with a hand crank). An evolution like this is considered "working aloft" and when going aloft while the ship is underway requires permission from the ship's Captain. We had her running all over the ship with the aloft paperwork going through the chain before she got to the Captain.

Before she got to the Captain another Radioman (who wasn't in on the joke) asked her: "WTF are you doing? The mast is way short enough to fit underneath the bridge!" (Lowering the mast is a very "time honored" prank for newbies)

Donna (I mean the LPO) was a bit pissed at us but eventually laughed it off and realized that she had earned our respect since normally you only prank the people you like. In fact after that, every time I had to go aloft to perform antenna maintenance she was up there with me learning. She ended up making Chief Petty Officer and credited her training from the USNS Pecos as having been a big help.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Jul 7 at 2015 12:12 PM

2015-07-07T12:12:23-04:00

OK at PO1 John Miller 's request, the follow on to the first post which got me free drinks for the rest of the deployment. The XO recovered but was as obnoxious as ever. He'd mess up anything. Nerves were raw and we needed a break from him. He always wanted to see the South Pole. I told him the way to do it was to get on the first plane of the "double shuttle". The way it worked was the first ski equipped C-130 would launch followed by the second about 2-3 hours later. The first would land and give time for offload and launch. The second would then come in and repeat the process. Ground time for a visitor was 3 hours or so. Enough time for a tour and lunch.

So one day I ran into the HQ building and told the XO to hurry up the double shuttle was on. He grabbed his survival gear and launched. The Skipper was in stitches saying "Kev, there's no double shuttle today." Apparently he needed a break too. So our XO got a two week all expenses paid vacation at the South Pole. I wanted to pay the Stationmaster for his trouble so sent a case of Scotch down. The XO returned with a sealed note for me. "You owe us two more cases." Gee XO, the second flight went down hard for parts. Humma humma humma. My VXE-6 buddies forged the maintenance log to back me up. They had enough of him too.

That's how you drink free. Give people their freedom and you're a hero.

Response by CPT Pedro Meza made Jul 7 at 2015 12:25 PM

2015-07-07T12:25:04-04:00

In Afghanistan, we were out checking on a well projects, and arrived at a village where the whole village was in a cloud of smoke from the burning of green hashish, don’t know how but the twenty minute stop became a 2 or 3 hour longs meet and greet between the whole team, including the force pro and all villagers. One of the New York force Pro guys said that “is the best weed I have ever smelled” and by the time we left it we were running late; we made it back but instead of reporting to the 05 we all headed to the mess hall because we were all super hungry. After eating we reported in to a furious 05, who seeing our eyes and smelling our cloths order everyone to go sleep it off. The 04 that was with the team could not stop talking about the great mission.

Response by SFC Mark Beazley made Jul 8 at 2015 11:29 AM

2015-07-08T11:29:14-04:00

Hopefully I'm remembering this story correctly as it was quite some time ago, but here goes:

During one of my Iraq deployments, our company commander aquired an old, beat up, Jawa motorcycle. He would drive this thing all over the FOB.... 200m from his CHU to the CP? Ride the Jawa. 300m from the CP to the motorpool? Ride the Jawa.

My PL and I found the laziness somewhat annoying and decided to see how gradually we could disassemble the bike before he quit riding it.

First to go was the kickstand.... we would find the bike leaned against various walls or lying on the ground around the compound.

Next was the foot pegs.... we would see him rolling around the area holding his knees up to keep his feet from dragging.

Headlight, seat and other parts soon followed... he still continued to ride and still could not catch the "parts theives" in the act.

One night we filmed ourselves removing a large piece of jawa (I think it was either the muffler or handlebars). We staged the video using night vision, wearing Thawbs (man dress) and Shemaghs (head scarf), held the offending part above our heads shouting "alluha akbar!" and left the tape in the Raven feed VCR so he would discover it when he showed up at the CP in the morning.

He was furious!

I had to leave a day or two after that to attend the master gunner course and was unable to continue, but I've been told the LT managed to take off a few more parts before the Jawa was no more.

Response by Capt Seid Waddell made Jul 9 at 2015 1:13 AM

2015-07-09T01:13:25-04:00

An F-4 pilot was returning to DaNang from his last mission and a Weapons Controller on Monkey Mountain asked him for a bubble check. He agreed and all available crew went outside to watch him come in low and pass between our radar bubbles.

Unfortunately, the commander was just arriving, and as his jeep turned the final corner entering the site he was greeted with an F-4 roaring past just over his head. He was not a happy camper, and wanted to know who that was.

Being well inside our ground clutter none of us had a clue. So far as I know, nobody got hung out on that one.

And I don’t know who the controller was; that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Response by CSM Charles Hayden made Jul 9 at 2015 1:22 AM

2015-07-09T01:22:23-04:00

CPT M Cannonie, One of my LTs, 'greeting' MPs responding to a 'disturbance call', happened to have an art'y simulator in his jockey shorts as he opened the door- they thought it was something else!

Response by Sgt Tom Cunnally made Oct 13 at 2015 7:04 PM

2015-10-13T19:04:48-04:00

Sorry for the duplicate...I need to get rid of this Lenovo & Windows 7 before I have a nervous breakdown with all the dam errors

Response by MCPO Roger Collins made Jan 1 at 2016 11:17 AM

2016-01-01T11:17:53-05:00

A bunch of us submarine sailors were sitting around in the Mess Decks on the boat, including on LT (O-3). One of the E-5s asked the LT if he would put him on report if he said the LT was a Pr*ck. Naturaally, the LT said yes. Then the E-5 said, would you put me on report if I thought you were a pri*k. He said no, I couldn't do that. The E-5 immediately said, "Well I think you are a pri*k. I was the Duty CPO and I couldn't help LMAO, along with everyone else.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 27 at 2016 2:50 PM

2016-02-27T14:50:14-05:00

We were on a training exercise outside of Roswell, New Mexico with an ADA unit. We didn't see any UFOs but the field we set up in was over run with rattlesnakes. We were killing up to 10 a day & everyone was on edge. I resorted to sleeping on top of the Humvee because they killed a big one outside the female tent. We had a Captain who everyone had issues with, he was the kind who never listened to his senior a NCOs...we all know the kind. I drew the short straw & ended up working the TOC with him. We were getting ready for a live fire & the TOC was packed when someone threw in a plastic snake into the tent. I immediately grabbed the Captain threw him on top of the snake & knocked over chairs trying to get out. Everyone was laughing so hard that the Captain left the next day for a "family emergency". That story followed me for years & I always worked the TOC after that with no officer.

Response by Sgt Tom Cunnally made Feb 27 at 2016 4:38 PM

2016-02-27T16:38:28-05:00

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 27 at 2016 8:29 PM

2016-02-27T20:29:29-05:00

I was on a NCO of the Quarter board and we were conducting the PFT portion and I was not happy that I did not get my 100 crunches and we were doing our 3-mile run. I was pushing myself as hard as I could to try and make up for the crunches. After I crossed the finish line I started to throw up. Well my SgtMaj started to talk to me and while throwing up I kept trying to say "aye Sergeant Major" as I was throwing up

Response by MAJ Daniel Buchholz made Feb 27 at 2016 10:08 PM

2016-02-27T22:08:08-05:00

We had a SFC in my S6 section in Afghanistan who was.... less than popular. Every month we had to send a Soldier out on the rotater flight (contracted civvie birds) to deliver the new crypto for the month. After several months of just sending out whomever (normally a SPC or PFC) the SFC stated that a NCO to accompany the Soldier in delivering the monthly crypto load and took the first shift. I was OIC for the night shift when the call came in, "Sir, the helicopter left me."
Containing my amusement I got the details. He had stepped away to get some additional paperwork signed and as he was getting it signed away from the bird, just as he finished he heard the noise increase. He was stuck on a tiny COB with just 2 other Americans, a handful of Romanians and a couple of platoons of Afghans and no gear but what was attached to him. It took 4 days for him to finally get a ride back to our FOB... on a Route Clearance Patrol. 4 glorious days for our staff to look really relaxed.
Oh, and the SPC he was so concerned about? Finished the delivery of the COMSEC to the other sites and was greeted by myself, grinning wide and asking him where his Sargent was.

Response by MSgt Scott Jones made Feb 28 at 2016 1:18 PM

2016-02-28T13:18:18-05:00

Back in the late 80's while at Wheeler AFB, HI as a Law Enforcement Patrolman, I was dispatched to the NCO Club for a fight in progress. Upon our arrival, we separate two soldiers trading punches in the middle of the dance floor. They both had visible injuries and my partner and I were tasked with taking one of them to the Schofield Barracks ER for treatment. Now, this guy apparently received the lion's share of the punches as he was bleeding from his nose and mouth and his face was swollen up pretty good. I decided not to handcuff him as had swollen hands and he was cooperating. Anyway, we arrive and I am escorting/helping this guy through the parking lot as he stops, bends down and picks up a dollar bill. He stands up and as he's standing there bleeding from every orifice on his face, exclaims "I FOUND A DOLLAR, IT'S MY LUCKY DAY."

Response by TSgt Melissa Post made Mar 1 at 2016 2:15 AM

2016-03-01T02:15:29-05:00

We had just graduated Basic (I know I have a lot of these stories but I don't deploy so...lol). The whole 8 1/2 weeks I had to listen to the whiny accent of the girl from the bunk next to mine every time she asked me stupid simple questions and that was quite often. "Chiles, what do I do with this", "Chiles, where are we going next", etc.

I have just finished packing the last bit of my very large suitcase. The laundry crew had already come by to collect the hangers to put in the closet, all the details were winding down, and I was getting ready to pull the last EC shift I could for my flight while they finished packing and getting ready. It was my gesture, as their EC Monitor, to give them extra time to pack and rest.

There I stood mid hoist, oversized luggage on my shoulder, preparing one last heavy-a$$ heave. And then I heard it. The whiny accent... "Chiles!!!" The dragging out of the "I" in my name. "What?!" I growled slightly. "What do I do with this hanger??" She had not had her hanger out when the laundry crew came by picking them up. "Why could she not figure this out for herself? It's not that difficult of a situation." I thought. "I DON'T F**KING CARE!!!!!" I said rather loudly as I found more strength to throw my suitcase on the top of my wall locker.

How is it that some people make it through 8 1/2 weeks of Basic Military Training, and can't figure out that a hanger goes in a laundry closet? I hope they know where to put the bullet when the enemy is in front of them. Just sayin...

Response by SFC William Farrell made May 3 at 2016 11:39 PM

2016-05-03T23:39:22-04:00

Thats some sandstorm CPT Private RallyPoint Member. I remember when we were in Operation Brightstar Egypt, the winds kicked up at 2PM every day, we knew exactly what time it was.

Response by PO3 Donald Murphy made May 6 at 2016 3:24 PM

2016-05-06T15:24:16-04:00

A submarine toilet is basically a "seat" on top of a ball valve. You do your business, then with one hand, you pull open the valve towards you and then open the water connection with your other hand to "flush." When your "stuff" is gone, you turn the water off with the same hand and push the valve closed with your other hand. Well as you can imagine, the tank where all the poop and pee goes to, will get full. At that point you have to blow the tank to sea; dump it in the ocean. Now, as ANY noise on a submarine can cause an enemy to find you, great effort is made to do this as quietly as possible; ie; slowly. This process is called "blowing sanitaries" or "blowing sans".

This process takes a few hours long. During this time you can "use" the toilet, you just can't flush it. Signs will be put on the water connection wheel saying "danger: blowing sans." And just in case you forgot, theres a gi-normous "fart" smell permeating through the sub while this is going on. In other words, YOU CAN"T NOT NOTICE IT. Nevertheless, every patrol, we'll have someone who forgets and opens the valve. Behind the valve is several hundred PSI of.....poop and pee. We had this one guy that "blew sans" on himself twice. We were minding our own business when this sound like Niagra Falls comes out of the bathroom followed by loud screaming. And then the smell follows shortly after. There he was - poor old (name withheld to protect the guilty) with pieces of corn in his hair, poop on his glasses, etc. The captain initiated a special award for him called "The Flapper King."

Response by Jhon Caprisi made Aug 6 at 2017 7:29 PM

2017-08-06T19:29:44-04:00

Nope but one from HS uinform inspection and oh yeah body building is fine just update the uniform well shit . ...... Just sitting and waiting getting ready to sleep put my arms on the table thankfully a senior didn't see me and all the other lower ranking cadets were cool . As I'm about to lay my head down I hear a tare look up and think oh F#*& . My shirt just ripped I knew my stuff was getting tight for a couple of weeks but whops. Now a freshman had to go up to the senior commander embarrassed as hell . Told him I think I just ripped my shirt . Well I got out of that inspection and was out of regs for a while wife beater and my dress pants and belt good start to your cadet career can't wait to see what massicar military college will bring