Does anyone have good advice on what to do for my wife before I get mobilized?

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 13:23:44 -0400

I am getting mobilized and I’m not sure how long I will be gone for. My wife is obviously stressed out a bit. We always seemed to clash a bit before I have to leave for any extended period of time. Any advise to soothe her ruffled feathers would be appreciated!

Response by SPC Nancy Greene made Jul 20 at 2020 1:30 PM

SPC Nancy Greene — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 13:30:10 -0400

Excellent Question 1LT Jeremy Janulis!

Please ensure she has total access to all finances. Make sure your Will is up to date and written the way you want. Give her all phone numbers for your Unit’s rear detachment. Encourage her to take time for herself. She is going to need a good support system in your absence. If you have children, please talk to them before you deploy.
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Your family is naturally apprehensive about your deployment Everything you are able to do to reassure her and them will make this transition earlier for everyone. Best if Luck and you might want to encourage her to establish her own account on RP
Nancy

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 20 at 2020 1:33 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 13:33:30 -0400

First things first, Sir, is to see if your unit has an established FRG. If your unit does, have your wife get in touch with them. There will also be a Yellow Ribbon event. I HIGHLY recommend your wife attends that with you.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jul 20 at 2020 1:36 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 13:36:31 -0400

Do you live on post? What do you clash about?

Response by CPO Nate S. made Jul 20 at 2020 1:52 PM

CPO Nate S. — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 13:52:14 -0400

1LT Private RallyPoint Member If this is her 1st time experiencing you being deployed she is scared. Acknowledge her fear and let her know she can share her concerns with you.

My wife and I were both AD in the late 70s, the 80s and early 90s. Both our fathers had served so she knew the deal. We still had our tense moments, but we got through them.

Make sure she is connected with the Ombudsmen and that she is engaged the local military spouses. If she is engaged in the community helping with things at your church or activities that is good.

Write her a letter. When you leave the house, make sure the letter is in a place she is sure to look in the 24 hrs immediately after you have left, but make the letter honest and loving.

Make sure your Skype, Google Hangouts, Zoom and other accounts are set up to communicate as frequently as possible. Also, get the WhatsApp on both phones. My sister is a DoD Civilian currently stationed at Camp Arafjian in Kuwait. If you need a contact their let me know via private msg!

Here is a poem I wrote my wife many years ago. It was a winter's night and I was looking at my favorite picture of her on the beach in Pensacola, Florida. It is now in the form of a picture an artist friend did for me that I presented her at her retirement. It hangs in our home where I can see it every day.
------------------
This Wonderful Woman

This is my very best friend,
A very good lover,
One of the best listeners I know,
Super talented woman,
A warm and caring person,
Someone so special that she I like rare art
If ever lost it may never be found again.
Rare art are as rare people mean more to use
When we know their beauty and cannot possess it,
But have some amount of time to even touch it
Or gaze upon it for an instant.
When a man is so lucky to have such a treasure –
He should pray thanks for such a gift!

Copyright © 17 December 1979
Nate Szejniuk
-------------
Feel free to use it. I have been married for > 40 yrs and my wife and I are both USN (Ret). Raising two kids and both had military careers. Now that is interesting.

In any event, be kind. Kindness requires letting her voice her fears and not denying she has them. Don't take any harsh comments personally. My wife would snap at me and later .... well.......

In any event, just love her. It is that simple. Let her know you will need her when you return.

Lt Col Charlie Brown; Maj Alea Nadeem; Sgt Elizabeth Scheck; MSgt Private RallyPoint Member; COL Mikel J. Burroughs

Response by LT Brad McInnis made Jul 20 at 2020 2:32 PM

LT Brad McInnis — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 14:32:07 -0400

Dishes?? Just kidding, ex and I were both serving Navy officers. We always seemed to be coming and going. We decided that for sanity, we would reserve one night for a good dinner out together. No talk of deployment, no worrying about what was to come. That way, when things inevitably get stressed we would always have that night to remember the good times.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Jul 20 at 2020 3:16 PM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 15:16:06 -0400

Her frustrations are probably from insecurity. She needs to be comfortable with her personal security and your love. Make sure the family financial situation is very clear to her. She needs to know where all the bank accounts are, how much is in them, and to which accounts your pay checks, her paychecks (if she works), and to which accounts any allocations from your pay go. Passwords for all accounts. Also, where to find important papers such as insurance policies for house, car, you. A lot of this information will be on line or on a computer, so make sure you have a list of those account user names and passwords. Of course she needs to know how to get in touch with you while you're gone and how to use the Red Cross in case of a family emergency. Cell phones, lap top computers, and tablets make this much easier than when I traveled a lot in the 1980s and 1990s. She should have your personal e-mail and AKO e-mail addresses. The JAG, family support center, or mobilization station, can advise you on powers of attorney, living wills, wills, etc. All this needs to be in order and easy to find.

Trusting her with this information, if you haven't already, will make her feel much more valuable and loved. Outside of that, just telling and showing her that you love her and are faithful to her alone by whatever means you can communicate this is very important. (Security is as important to the wife as respect is to you.)

Extended periods of separation are never easy. Especially if kids are part of the mix. I haven't talked about meeting their needs; that's part of another discussion. My daughter just returned from a 2-month mobilization to support the Javits Center temporary hospital in New York. Her husband, whom she has been married to for only 3 years, (she's been a Navy Reserve Nurse for about 8 years) weathered it well. I believe you two can make it too. And thank you for your service!

Response by Maj Kim Patterson made Jul 20 at 2020 3:24 PM

Maj Kim Patterson — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 15:24:25 -0400

1LT Private RallyPoint Member finances. What are the children doing for care? There will be many times you will be without your cell phone for security purposes. When you get a moment, drop her an email remembering one of the good times you had. I’m sure she’s already stressed as a nurse (having been one myself) Do you have family nearby to help out? Who is her current support circle? Wills are automatic requirements for deploying. Spend some time doing something together you both enjoy. Build up the happy memories bank.

Response by COL Jon Thompson made Jul 20 at 2020 4:04 PM

COL Jon Thompson — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 16:04:16 -0400

Make sure you have the ability to stay in contact with her. In my recent deployment to Kuwait, my wife and I Facetimed about once a day and that helped us stay connected. Also, plan a trip somewhere special when you get back. That gives you both something to look forward to as the time ticks away. I also gave my wife an allotment every month that she used to do things for the house. You probably won't spend that much money overseas so besides saving it all, let her use it for home improvement or something else she may want to do. Above all, stay in close contact with her.

Response by Lt Col Charlie Brown made Jul 20 at 2020 4:18 PM

Lt Col Charlie Brown — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 16:18:38 -0400

Make sure she has the information for the Red Cross Hero Care Network [login to see]
And the Hero Care app. Available 24/7

Response by CMSgt James Nolan made Jul 20 at 2020 4:56 PM

CMSgt James Nolan — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 16:56:59 -0400

Start out by telling her how lucky she is to be married to a Patriot. That always works LOL.
Seriously, spend as much quality time as you can. Ensure she has access to everything, including good unit contact #s..it is easy for us but she will be left with 100% home front responsibilities.
Also, let her know that due to modern technology, you will be able to stay in touch, much more so than in the past.
The deployment will both go quickly and last a lifetime (because you both care). Reassure her that you will be home soon and will be looking forward to it.
It takes strength to marry the military, and that is what she has done, like it or not.
Last, be as honest as you can about what you can share. Having some information is better than living in a vacuum.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Jul 20 at 2020 5:59 PM

CAPT Kevin B. — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 17:59:54 -0400

Most of the to-do list has been covered with an important exception. She will be the Ground Commander while you are away. She'll do things differently, in a different order, whatever. You must honor that so when you return, you better not go on a bender about how things were run before. She will likewise change a bit as you will. Enjoy the new seasoning in your life. If there is something important she wants done before you go, try to make that happen. The more you can unload from her, the better. I was married 6 weeks before I shipped out to Antarctica. Repeated that a few more times. Then the next 25 years had more of them. Amazing how much stuff we tend to worry about isn't important and is better off being ignored. Life moves on.

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 20 at 2020 8:03 PM

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 20:03:44 -0400

So much good stuff has already been said!! I haven't crossed that bridge yet....but I believe everything that you're worried about is coming to my front door soon also.

She's on edge....likely because she's dealing with the stress of missing you. Try to keep that at the forefront of your mind. She may not express that well or know how to express that properly. Give her grace and try your hardest to be understanding.

Write to her. Be kind. Call her when you can. Reassure her that it'll all be OK. Make sure she has the support system that she needs. Make sure she has help with kids if you have any.

Count the weeks and the days down with her. It'll make the time go faster.

Don't waste time arguing. Be understanding. It'll all be OK.

Response by COL Andrew Burns made Jul 21 at 2020 2:32 PM

COL Andrew Burns — Tue, 21 Jul 2020 14:32:15 -0400

Set up all bills autopay! That is one hurdle done! Buy jewelry!

Response by Sgt Dale Briggs made Jul 27 at 2020 7:30 PM

Sgt Dale Briggs — Mon, 27 Jul 2020 19:30:55 -0400

Better asked to a veterans wife who’s seen deployments before and knows the difficulties.