Does being close to death make you less emotional about death?

SGT Ben Keen — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 10:21:29 -0400

I had this question on my mind the past few days after I learned that someone I went to high school with suddenly past out while at work and never recovered. He passed away at the age of 34 on Monday, August 17, 2015 and right now the answer as to why is yet to be resolved.

But, the question I'm asking comes from the fact that while I was not very close to this classmate and my thoughts are with his family during this awful time, I didn't find myself reacting like some of my other classmates. We graduated from a small high school in Lancaster County Pennsylvania. There were about 115 students in our class so while we weren't each others best friends, we all knew each other more than some bigger schools. We grew up together and took part in a lot of school activities together so of course the news of someone passing away caused us all to stop. Yet, I saw some of my classmates taking it really hard. Harder than I expected and when asked for my reaction, I wasn't that upset. I've seen friends die before, heck I'm sure a lot of people on RallyPoint have had a friend or family member pass away. Yet what strikes me personally is that I was more moved by the news of the deaths of random service members than I was my own classmate. I in no way feel as though my classmate's life was worth any less than any one else. He had the world in front of him. In fact, this happened on the same day he started a new job that he was super excited about.

But it got me thinking to myself, am I just void of emotion because of what I saw in the military or do I just process death differently now? Is my reaction to the passing of my classmate normal or am I just avoiding something by pretending it is no big deal? Has anyone of my fellow brothers and/or sisters-in-arms every felt like this?

Response by SCPO David Lockwood made Aug 19 at 2015 10:24 AM

SCPO David Lockwood — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 10:24:39 -0400

No. It makes your more emotional..

Response by CSM Charles Hayden made Aug 19 at 2015 10:27 AM

CSM Charles Hayden — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 10:27:40 -0400

SGt Ben Keen, Having friends expire at an early age always has a sobering effect on a person. A friend's death can also cause one to speed up working on your bucket list!

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 19 at 2015 11:33 AM

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 11:33:54 -0400

It's very possible it could hit you hard later on, like what happened with my mother's passing. I hate to sound heartless, but immediately, I heard the news and was just like, "What?" Days later, after the burial and everything, I found myself crying my eyes out and still do sometimes. But lately, I found myself kind of void to a lot of negative emotional stresses. Yes, I still get angry but if a loved one is in serious pain, I don't flinch. I help the best I can, but emotionally I feel alright. I don't freak out, I don't cry or get scared, and I constantly wonder why. Why don't I feel anything? Maybe I've just built a mental wall, or something of that manner. I bring this up simply because I feel it might be similar to what you're asking, SGT Ben Keen, although I haven't seen anything serious while in the military. What has made me nearly numb to what others may find extremely stressful or painful?

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 19 at 2015 11:56 AM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 11:56:48 -0400

My 75 year old father died this April. Sure I miss is smile, his voice, and have had many dreams of him where he is smiling and talking to me, but I was not devastated. I attribute this to knowing he had a damn good life, and death is a natural order to life.

Response by LTC Stephen F. made Aug 19 at 2015 12:06 PM

LTC Stephen F. — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 12:06:01 -0400

SGT Ben Keen, grief is left to the living. Grief is an important process to work though. If we yield to it, the tears, anger, pain will eventually be replaced by tears, joy and fond memories of the good times we shared with the person who passed.
I saw the Lord sovereignty raise a dead infant in my arms in 1991. I have spent time visiting the dying who had a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus the Christ and those without. For those of us who know the Lord, death is not as terrifying as it is for those who have no hope.
God never provides a grace before we need it. Dying grace is provided to all who know Him. I have seen it on many occasions and I look forward to a future time when He will grant me that grace in the fullness of time.
MAJ Private RallyPoint Member, CH (MAJ) William Beaver, SSG James J. Palmer IV aka "JP4", SGT Private RallyPoint Member, SGT Randal Groover, SGT Robert Hawks, SGT Forrest Stewart

Response by Capt Seid Waddell made Aug 19 at 2015 12:18 PM

Capt Seid Waddell — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 12:18:55 -0400

I can relate. I think that we get burned out from seeing worse things than one person passing peacefully, and we recognize that we are all headed that way as well; we have had to come to a resolution with the inevitability of death.

As the inscription on a headstone puts it:

"Remember me as you pass by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so you must be,
Prepare for death and follow me."

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 19 at 2015 1:08 PM

LCDR Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 13:08:00 -0400

Absolutely. BUT it can actually make you more emotional about instead. We all react differently to our experiences and I have definitely seen both extremes of this.

Response by MSgt John Grollimund made Aug 19 at 2015 1:56 PM

MSgt John Grollimund — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 13:56:59 -0400

I read this post a few times. I can only say from my own vantage point. Experiences running convoys, pushing the thought out of your mind so you can continue to do your job and watch out for your bothers and sisters at the same time has made me more numb to death and the fear of it. Not that I am an adrenaline junky, but the constant fear of it is actually kind of removed for me. I am more concerned for others in my family, children, and other service members. I get angry when I read of what has happened since we left Iraq, and the lives lost seemingly for nothing.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 19 at 2015 2:50 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 14:50:12 -0400

SGT Ben Keen, Sir, after experiencing more deaths than I have ever wanted to see, losing my son, and my best friend in Vietnam, are the only two deaths that I was emotional. Losing my son has me appreciating life more, but I have not been emotional about any other family deaths. I'm not cold hearted. Death is a part of living, so why would I succumb to being emotional?