Does your spouse despise the military?

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 03:41:23 -0400

What does one do when your spouse doesn't fully support your military career?

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 30 at 2014 3:44 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 03:44:21 -0400

Mine would trade places with me in a heartbeat. He fully supports every aspect of my career.

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 30 at 2014 3:49 AM

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 03:49:04 -0400

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member. Try to understand her position, her reasons, and perhaps the most important her feelings about the matter. Try to find some mutually supportive solutions together. Seek some outside neutral possibly civilian couples counseling. Assess your position as a couple and as individuals . . . take into account immediate family members . . . consider your finances together and separately (usually everyone suffers in a divorce . . . standard of living declines) . . . then make a decision about what you must do for stakeholders. My husband was Army Field Grade . . . military service was never a question for us. Warmest Regards, Sandy

Response by MSG Wade Huffman made Oct 30 at 2014 7:03 AM

MSG Wade Huffman — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 07:03:33 -0400

My wife fully supported my career the entire time I was in. As a matter of fact, she was extremely saddened when I decided to submit my retirement application.
Some just aren't disposed to a military lifestyle (true for some service members as well). Sounds to me like a serious kitchen table discussion is in order. A successful marriage is all about give and take, compromise, and understanding. Some kind of compromise is necessary, and only the two of you can decide what it will be.

Response by SPC(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 30 at 2014 9:01 AM

SPC(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 09:01:31 -0400

My spouse's dad served in vietnam, was in the Air Force, so she has a slight taste of the military world, moving from base to base as a child, ive been army guard for 10 years with 1 tour in Iraq, the way it changed me has alot more negative impacts than positive, and for some reason she cant understand, she doesnt understand why little things bother me now that never bothered me before my deployment, loud noises, alarms of any kind, people moving too slow inside grocery stores, people talking too much and asking too many questions, all trigger some type of anger in me... When i reenlisted for another 6, she didnt support that decision, she might be somewhat supportive and understanding at times, when or IF i choose to talk about things, but deep down i know she doesnt like what the military has turned me into...

Response by COL Jean (John) F. B. made Oct 30 at 2014 9:06 AM

COL Jean (John) F. B. — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 09:06:04 -0400

I have to say that, when I first got married, my wife was not a big fan of Army life. Family separations, deployments, living in substandard government housing, etc., etc. just was not her cup of tea. But, she was always very supportive and never once tried to pressure me to get out.

Over the years, she got to love the military and the military life as much as I did. She loved her "military family" and found the frequent moves exciting (but still a pain in the butt). She looked at my soldiers as her "kids" and felt a strong obligation to try, to the best of her ability, to be a surrogate mother to them.

Now that I am retired, I truly believe that my wife sometimes misses the Army/Army life more than I do, and I miss it dearly.

I have counseled many soldiers, NCOs and officers who had to face the issue of a spouse who "hated" the military and demanded they get out. I know that is a very bad situation and there is no magic bullet to make it go away. Whether to do as the spouse wants or to do what you want and stay in is a personal choice. My experience has shown that, eventually, the spouse will come around and be supportive. I have seen way too many cases where an officer loved the military, but got out because his wife wanted him to, only later to get divorced. He had lost his career because of his wife and, then, lost his wife.

With the multiple deployments of today's military members, the stresses on a marriage are great. Some can cope with it and some can't. I think a key is to discuss the reasons why the spouse "hates" the military and see if there is something that can be done to mitigate it. Can you change units, change locations or do something else that may make it better? Identify what the problem is and see if you can make it better in some way. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel and you just need to convince her to "hang tough" for just a little longer; or maybe it is a permanent thing. Identifying the problem is key to solving it.

You may have to make the decision of military or spouse... That is unfortunate but often necessary. If it comes to that, make the decision after weighing all the facts. Is it really the military that is causing the discontent? If you get out, will that really solve the problem?

Response by MAJ Dallas D. made Oct 30 at 2014 9:09 AM

MAJ Dallas D. — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 09:09:42 -0400

I have been blessed that my wife was a Soldier when I met her and we spent the first 4 years of our marriage stationed together, but she hated the Army. She just wasn't made to be in the military. She never learned how to be politically correct especially when dealing with her superiors. She is one who tells it like it is and if the Battalion Commander would have a stupid idea she would just say Sir that's stupid. It got her in trouble more than once.

Once she got out she loved the Army (LOL). She always supported me through deployments etc.

Response by SCPO Larry Knight Sr. made Oct 30 at 2014 1:45 PM

SCPO Larry Knight Sr. — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 13:45:00 -0400

I can give you some insight on this. My first wife came up at the 17 year mark and gave me an ultimatum, if I were to stay one more term to get a lawyer ? So I didn't see any point in disappointing her, and I went to my CO and requested to reenlist for 6 more years. Then I proceeded to the legal department and they got me in touch with a divorce attorney and I filed for a divorce.
I then went back home and asked if she would like to have a ride to the airport, or take her fat ass and walk to the airport ? This was when I proceeded to tell her she was no longer a part of my standard issue of my "SEA BAG" ! I wasn't going to let a stellar career go down the tubes, just because she cant handle it anymore. My career was my choice and she came into the picture after the fact, My career also helped my children to grow into young adults.
Would have I done anything different , absolutely not and I stand firm with continuing my career regardless !

Response by CW5 Sam R. Baker made Oct 30 at 2014 1:56 PM

CW5 Sam R. Baker — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 13:56:08 -0400

My first one was somewhat supportive, but ended up not being so supportive and she quit without even a deployment, however, my current wife fully supports it and if she didn't I would be retired already. As a matter of fact, if her or the kids asked me to retire to settle it all down, I would most likely 98% get out. It is their love for my service and job that keeps me motivated to charge ahead each day and do this daily PT thing! Their support is key and essential, because if they did not support it, my mind would be worrying about them too much.

Divorce is joked about way to much in the military, but even the closest of friends from flight school back in 1993, 100% have been divorced, even ones I never expected.

Response by SSG Maurice P. made Oct 31 at 2014 8:36 PM

SSG Maurice P. — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 20:36:54 -0400

HELL FREAKIN NO SHE WAS A UNITED STATES MARINE COMBAT FIELD RADIO OPERATOR AND 2ND HIGHEST SHOOTER IN COMM SUPPORT COMPANY 1ST MARINE DIV 1980-1984 SHE ALSO WAS A NAVY SEABEE RESERVIST.............SHE'S AWESOME WIFE A GREAT COOK AND MOTHER BUT SHE CAN KICK ASS WHEN SHE HAS TOO..........................ROFLMAO

Response by SFC William Swartz Jr made Nov 1 at 2014 8:15 AM

SFC William Swartz Jr — Sat, 01 Nov 2014 08:15:39 -0400

I was fortunate in a big sense, I married a "Brat", so she knew fully what she was getting into when she said "I Do". She stood beside me and supported me fully the entirety of my 26-year career, 25 of which we were married for. I do not have the appropriate skills to share my thoughts on this matter, it is something that you or whomever facing this situation has to ponder upon for themselves. I guess in the end it will come down to which is more important to you: continuing to serve with or without her, or leaving the Army to please her....tough call and I wish you all the best no matter your decision.

Response by Tara Roberts made Jul 12 at 2017 4:06 PM

Tara Roberts — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 16:06:07 -0400

I was born into a military home, raised in, & then later in life married into it. Its the only life I've known so I've little qualms with my husband putting service before self.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 12 at 2017 8:37 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 20:37:58 -0400

A prenuptial agreement is a great idea. We all have to sign a contract to join the military, get a mortgage to buy a house, why not make a pact between two free adults who promise to endure high and low of life? Talk is cheap, sign the papers.

Response by PO1 Tony Holland made Jul 13 at 2017 4:55 AM

PO1 Tony Holland — Thu, 13 Jul 2017 04:55:03 -0400

That would have been my mother as well as my first ex-wife.

Response by SSG Darrell Peters made Feb 24 at 2019 2:34 PM

SSG Darrell Peters — Sun, 24 Feb 2019 14:34:43 -0500

Many years ago, I met a young lady who said I had to get out of the Army. That I had to be devoted to her 100%. I tried to tell her I was close to retirement and just couldn't throw it away. She didn't understand how the Military worked didn't want to know how the military worked.
So needless to say the relationship didn't last long.

Response by MSG John Joseph made Feb 25 at 2019 10:27 AM

MSG John Joseph — Mon, 25 Feb 2019 10:27:40 -0500

Easy. Remove the sandwich maker.