Family - Dealing with Separation

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 08:12:49 -0500

<p>Does anyone have any tips or neat ideas for staying connected to wife, and small children 8, 4, and 2 yrs/old on a year long mobilization?  I leave in a few months and wanted to try to get some ideas.   </p><p>I want to use this information for myself, but I want other soldiers to learn tips also.   Thanks for the suggestions received so far.</p>

Response by LTC Richard Becker made Jan 30 at 2014 8:51 AM

LTC Richard Becker — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 08:51:40 -0500

A lot of mine are centered on technology (Facetime, Skype, etc.) However, this can be a double edged sword. If my wife and I talk everyday, we soon run out of things to talk about after the obligatory "what did you do today, how are the kids, etc." The last time we were seperated, we would still facetime daily, but we wrote an ongoing letter to each other that had our thoughts during the quiet times. This became a really fun gift to each other when we reunited. Now we have those journals that we can look through and remind ourselves of different feelings and events that help to strengthen our relationship even now, years later.

For my daughter, when I am home, it's my job to tuck her in and read her a bedtime story. I was very lucky that through skype and a coincidental schedule, I could continue that while we were seperated. That definitely helpe keep us close while we were so far apart.

Response by LT Jessica Kellogg made Jan 30 at 2014 9:11 AM

LT Jessica Kellogg — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 09:11:31 -0500

http://www.militaryonesource.com has some great ideas for helping kids cope with a parent being gone for an extended period.

You could video record yourself reading to your kids.

You and your oldest could make a "deployment wall (http://www.pinterest.com/pin/ [login to see] 1744118/)

You could get a "daddy doll" (huggee miss you makes nice ones) so that you can still go with the family on trips or to events.

For your wife, when my husband has been deployed, we rely primarily on email, plus phone or FaceTime calls from the different ports. But I really like getting tangible mail, it somehow can mean more than email. Even something little like a postcard saying "I miss you, I'll see you soon" can mean the world.

Deployment ideas

Deployment wall for kids

Response by SSG Matthew Thomas made Jan 30 at 2014 2:36 PM

SSG Matthew Thomas — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 14:36:49 -0500

Before I left for each deployment I made several videos at home for each of my three girls. Reading books, doing crafts, anything they enjoyed doing. I did this so if they wanted to see me or hear me they could. Happy Birthday videos. Before my last deployment my then 7 year old gave me a stuffed animal to take. She said it would keep me safe. I would take pictures of it everywhere, HMMWV, in my tent, on a berm or Hesco. She told me it helped her with the separation.

Response by SGT Ben Keen made Jan 30 at 2014 3:41 PM

SGT Ben Keen — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 15:41:38 -0500

One of the things my ex-wife did while I was in Korea was she had our son's heartbeat recorded, went to Build-A-Bear and then sent me a bear. I carried that thing with me everywhere including on my deployments. After I got out, I gave my then 6 year old son the dusty bear and told him how he has always been with me.

For my daughter who was 3 weeks old when I left for my last deployment, I recorded myself reading the book "Go Dog Go". To this day, on weekends that I have the two of them she will come to me with the book and we will read it together.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2014 11:38 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 23:38:07 -0500

Record a video of you reading their favorite books, for your older kids write actual letters once a week and send them home. I'll second the comment about not calling home too often, I know it seems weird but after day 50 of groundhog day you run out of things to say, peraonally I found calling once or twice a week seems to be good, or if you really want to call home almost daily try to focus on a different kid with each call so its not rushed for them and you can spread the conversation out some

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 31 at 2014 7:26 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 19:26:32 -0500

not sure if they do it everywhere else, but here there's a lady that makes "daddy dolls". You take a pic of yourself in plain clothes with a normal background. She crops you out of the photo and prints it on some material then cuts it out into a general shape of a person, stuff it like a pillow and then the kids can carry it around with them. So, they have a "little you" they can look at, talk to whatever, and its about a foot tall or so. I think it helped my 1 and 4 yr old while I was in Korea a couple years ago...

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 6 at 2014 8:31 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 06 Feb 2014 08:31:57 -0500

Sir,

I have not deployed, but I have a couple of things that have worked for my kids when I have been gone a bit.

My wife and kids make a paperchain. At first, it seems long and insurmountable, but they get to watch it dwindle down as you pull a link off of it. For this long of a mobilization, they may want to do one link per week. My son loves it because he can always check to see when I will be home.

Skype, etc can be helpful. I see where MAJ Becker mentioned how you can run out of things to say. I think that is when it helps to get a little creative. I have read my kids their bedtime story this way. It is a helpful tool.

I have also done something similar to what others have stated. Instead of using a journal to tell my thoughts, etc. I used one just to list one thought of my family each day. This became much more digestable for the kids when I got home.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 17 at 2014 12:03 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 12:03:16 -0500

For my wife in the past I hid envelopes in random locations around the house, under books, in pots, between mattresses, etc. When she would find them they would say go to such and such location in the house. She would find either a treat and message or some other surprise. I was thinking about burying something in the backyard for the boys and mailing them a treasure map.

Response by SFC Robert Trodahl made Mar 13 at 2014 4:26 PM

SFC Robert Trodahl — Thu, 13 Mar 2014 16:26:27 -0400

Try video record yourself reading him bed time stories (if he is that young) and keeping in contact with him. Its rough, I admit, and it doesn't get easier.

Response by SGT Bryon Sergent made Mar 13 at 2014 4:37 PM

SGT Bryon Sergent — Thu, 13 Mar 2014 16:37:53 -0400

Don't know the situation or the age of your son, but i kept in contact through my divorce with my ex. we talked on the occasion durning my last deploymnet. We skyped sometime and I got to talk to my step daughter. I have been with her since she was 2, and we divorced for 2 years. Once I returned I reconnected with my ex and we remarried. Now getting ready to deploy again this will be both of there firsts as we are married. I have told my wife that I'd buy a foreign phone and minutes and that we'd skype as much as the mission and time alloted. all I can say is keep the faith and do what is right by the both of them and thing will get easier with time.

Response by SPC David Wyckoff made Mar 13 at 2014 4:46 PM

SPC David Wyckoff — Thu, 13 Mar 2014 16:46:10 -0400

Small things make the difference. I have been deployed so I understand that extended separation and how hard it can be on kids.

Also my grandson doesn't have his dad in his life so I try to do things that let my grandson know that I love him and I am thinking of him. I write him notes and mail them to him. Kids love getting mail and it gives him something to hold in his hand and read over and over. He likes to do a lot of things that Papaw does so I send him the same color shirts I buy for myself. We have matching baseball caps we wear. I also send him Irish Spring soap every so often. As silly as it sounds, he likes to smell like me. I draw him pictures and send them. We challenge each other on xbox live and plays games together. Of course we skype and talk on the phone too.

It's the simple everyday things that he will remember.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 13 at 2014 4:47 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 13 Mar 2014 16:47:09 -0400

If you can help it, Skype has a really cool feature that allows you to share your desktop screen. When I was mobilized, I scanned some of my boys' books into a powerpoint presentation. I had a laptop and an attached monitor. I would put the "book" on one screen that I shared with them, and left their video feed on the laptop/webcam; that way I could see that they were observing the pictures as I was reading to them. If you have the means, it's a pretty cool way to be able to be part of their routine by getting in on the bedtime story action. When we finished the book, I went back to the main screen so that they could see me again. Good luck, Sgt.

Response by MSG Martinis Butler made Mar 20 at 2014 10:08 PM

MSG Martinis Butler — Thu, 20 Mar 2014 22:08:41 -0400

Being in the military separation is a tough pill to swallow. Keeping busy and not worrying so much about your family back home is a great way to help. Find things that interest you like going to the gym or a hobby that would hold your interest.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made May 7 at 2014 1:20 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 07 May 2014 13:20:23 -0400

I'm dual military and deployment is hard either way because there's that inkling of "I have no clue what's going to happen next," am I going to PCS without him before he gets back? Or are they going to send me to school, and if so what do I do with my child. Deployment is different for everyone I think. Depending on the situation at home and how stable everyone is. Mentally and Physically. Sure we have Skype and Facebook and things such as that but truly..the heart wants what the heart wants and if your family is unstable the heart crashes and burns. Especially if your significant other has cut you off because he or she has hit the crazy train. But, like I said it's different for everyone. We are set up pretty good here though. Gotta make sure all your loose ends are taken care of before leaving.

Response by Cpl Glynis Sakowicz made May 7 at 2014 7:45 PM

Cpl Glynis Sakowicz — Wed, 07 May 2014 19:45:14 -0400

Oh yea, seperations. At times, I used to envy the civilian spouses, because there was so much help available for them from other wives. Not that its any easier, mind you, but it would have made a few days a lot more bearable with someone who understood what you were going thru, but being military myself, we were expected to just 'suck it up' and keep on keeping on.
Our twins were just babies really, when Desert Storm came up, and I was on Medical Hold due to a serious back injury, but my husband was one of the first to go. Lets just say, I lost my military bearing several times in those first few days, with two kids under the age of three, in almost constant pain, and no one to really talk to that I could get it all out. I did what most every other woman does... I called MOMMA and cried on her shoulder until I felt better.
Now, when it was me on the rotation out, He always seemed to do fine, but the second he walked out the door, it was like every appliance in our house would die. Nightmares are made of these things, trust me on this!
No matter who it is, when you're part of a couple, and one is going off to another duty station, you go thru stages of grief, rage, and depression at some point, then when they return, there is this sudden surge of anger as if they are intruding on your life, until you get back into some sort of normal.
Its all part of the military life though, and lets face it, we didn't volunteer because it was going to be an easy paycheck.

Response by CPT Jacob Swartout made May 7 at 2014 8:00 PM

CPT Jacob Swartout — Wed, 07 May 2014 20:00:42 -0400

Usually just facebook chat or message. Skype doesn't always work. I'm so busy that I would just give them a quick email and do other things. Going to the gym will keep things off your mind or visiting recreation center too.

Response by SFC Stephen Hester made May 7 at 2014 8:05 PM

SFC Stephen Hester — Wed, 07 May 2014 20:05:29 -0400

Separation was always tough. We didn't have social media to rely on so letters and phone calls had to do.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Sep 12 at 2014 2:55 AM

SFC Mark Merino — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 02:55:09 -0400

Pre-recorded videos reading favorite books is always a winner LTC Private RallyPoint Member Thanks for looking into this for the troops! Well Done!

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 5 at 2015 12:00 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 12:00:47 -0500

Hallmark has some recordable books that you can leave messages with. Additionally, we would Skype occasionally. One thing that seemed to matter to my daughter who was 4 at the time was leaving a set of dog tags around one of her stuffed bears. She seemed to really enjoy it.

As we carried on with closer to home, she made one of the "ring chains" that you tear down to count down to Christmas...instead counting down to homecoming.

Skype and Facebook video chats were good too. The nice part of mobilizing is that you can still send the books to them...so then they get a package from you, which will give some new experiences.
v/r,
CPT Butler