For dual-military couples, how do you cope with a spouse who outranks you and treats you as such?

2018-04-21T20:55:02-04:00

E6 (7.5 years) husband E8 (20 years) likes to dis credit my methods when I vent about work and discredit my reasoning because he has been in longer.

Response by SGT Joseph Gunderson made Apr 21 at 2018 9:57 PM

2018-04-21T21:57:24-04:00

I don't think that a relationship will work with that kind of element playing a part. You must be able to separate the job from the family life. You see families being torn apart when there is only one SM in the household; I can only image the kind of unholy shitstorm that may occur with two SMs in the house, both dealing with the stress, and one trying to hold a position of power. I would advise that the couple seeks some kind of counseling or I don't foresee it working for very long.

Response by Cpl John Barker made Apr 22 at 2018 8:06 PM

2018-04-22T20:06:47-04:00

Why would you think a First Sergeant who has been in more than twice as long as you wouldn't dis credit your methods just because you are married to him? That's just how they are wired

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Apr 22 at 2018 9:36 PM

2018-04-22T21:36:27-04:00

Ouch- 1. He does have 2x the service. But you need to have a heart to heart- he is probably pass the venting stage except for extreme cases. He needs to understand your need for venting, and you need to listen to his points- this is a dual thing marriage- if you don't work it out, then you will have nmore serious trouble ahead. Both of you need to counsel wisely.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 24 at 2018 1:40 PM

2018-04-24T13:40:18-04:00

My wife is in in the AFNG and she is enlisted. No matter what I always treat her with respect as a good husband should. I've learned to keep work at work. Either way if he does not see you as an equal and uses his rank/experience to shoot you down then it is Toxic.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 24 at 2018 2:19 PM

2018-04-24T14:19:01-04:00

If I ever married another soldier, and they outranked me and tried to pull rank at home that relationship would be over ASAP.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 28 at 2018 11:41 AM

2018-11-28T11:41:09-05:00

Great question. My 1st Sgt always says "if you don't like my policies, get promoted." If you get promoted ahead of him, you can now boss him around.

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Nov 28 at 2018 12:15 PM

2018-11-28T12:15:05-05:00

1LT Private RallyPoint Member The issues is much more then the question....and what we have to say will only reinforce that, not solve the issue.

22 years together in the military, 26 years all together 5 of those as a dual military couple, at work in uniform I out ranked her, in life, out of uniform and anytime it was a conversation about non work, we were equal partners regardless of the stripes on out uniforms

Response by MAJ Bryan Zeski made Nov 28 at 2018 2:26 PM

2018-11-28T14:26:02-05:00

Go Green to Gold - or OCS - and then turn the tables.

Response by LCDR Joshua Gillespie made Nov 15 at 2019 9:35 AM

2019-11-15T09:35:36-05:00

I think marriage... any marriage, is based on partnership. Hard to sustain that when one spouse relies on "rank" to establish a hierarchy. That being said, when one partner has significantly more experience in any specific pursuit than the other... it may be reasonable for them to offer their insights, and for the other to take them seriously. My wife never served, but she is thirteen years younger than I. In that sense, there are times when my life experiences might inform me of better ways to do certain things. However, I'd be a fool to dismiss her opinions merely on the basis of age and experience... quite often, she's thought of a better way to do something I may have been doing wrong for decades :) Ultimately, it all comes down to mutual respect for one another, compromise, and the ability to learn from one another.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 15 at 2019 9:55 AM

2019-11-15T09:55:15-05:00

It takes special Kind if people to be married and both in the service. Both have to be able through the lens or the military during duty, and then be able to take off those lens when they go home. From what you say it appears your husband can’t do that. I am sorry you made some bad choices. You can now choose to live with a difficult situation, or lead your own life. Good luck, God Bless.

Response by CWO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 15 at 2019 11:10 AM

2019-11-15T11:10:30-05:00

Move on maybe. If you stay in and he maintains his superiority complex after retiring, kick his ass to the curb. Or not. Only you know if it's worth it.

Response by SFC Casey O'Mally made Nov 15 at 2019 12:01 PM

2019-11-15T12:01:27-05:00

My wife is not and has never been in the service. But I am slightly smarter (IQ/reasoning/problem solving) and considerably older/ more experienced (she is 31, I am 43) than her. (She is smarter than me when it comes to people skills, aesthetics, and spatial reasoning - I am not trying to say I am better than her - cuz I am NOT). We had a similar problem. We had to learn that she has to establish whether she is just venting or she is asking for advice, and that I had to respect her frame of mind, either way. Oftentimes she would tell me of a difficulty at work and my immediate reaction was to find a solution for her. I am a problem solver by nature AND I love her and my initial reaction to ANY difficulty she faces is to find a way to make it go away - I want her life to be magical and blissful and problem free. It took a lot of learning to allow myself to just let her vent and be supportive.

I am not in your marriage and I am not your husband. I can't say thatthis is what is happening with you guys. But is it possible that he is just trying to love you, support you, and help make your "problems" go away?

I recommend sitting down with him (possibly with a marriage counselor, although that may not be necessary depending on your communication skills as a couple) and discussing how you feel, and what you need from him as a husband regarding support. Ask him what he needs from you to identify the coversation you are having.

We aren't perfect, we still have miscues, but it has gotten better with time and a lot of work. Marriage takes work.