From "Lifer" to Family Man: The Decision

2017-06-21T10:26:33-04:00

Back when I started in the Marines, my plan was to be a “lifer”. I had a plan: take one college course each semester I wasn’t deployed, get experience volunteering, and become a Master Gunnery Sergeant (E9) before retirement. I couldn’t even imagine a life after the Corps - that was how deeply I felt about it, but eventually my priorities changed.

I saw my fellow Marines moving on after a few years in the service - some as little as four years, some as many as 12 years later. Their reasons were always different. When my first re-up came, I was close to getting out for purely selfish reasons because everyone at the E4 level thought getting out was the cool thing to do. It took deep thought to steer me in the right direction; I was getting married, and had just received the fattest bonus I was ever offered. I needed to stay in. After my wedding, I shipped out to Japan for three years, re-enlisted, and got more money. Japan was the best place to grow and mold me into a Marine, and I ended up being selected as Staff Sergeant (E6) in six years.

Later on, I found myself in New Orleans, and I realized that I might need to re-think my plan of staying in. Being a married man made me prioritize my family, largely thanks to my wife. I was closer with my family than I had been in a long time, and was enjoying every moment we spent together.

Another factor that was pushing me to reconsider my time in the Corps was, when sharing a building with reservists, my comrades were constantly retiring around me. I was in a command that joked about being the place where Marines go to die. Many officers I served with went through early retirement, and so did many staff NCOs.

I realized that when these individuals were retiring, they were hurting physically. Personally, I did not want to be a broke man, husband, or father…but then one day my fears came to life and I broke my foot. I was just going for a run, and an undiagnosed stress fracture snapped. It was then, about a year before reenlistment, that I knew I would not be in for another 20 years.

It wasn’t because I felt weak or broken for life just because of one broken foot. It was the accumulation of all these concerns hitting me at once, and my reluctance to put my family through many more upheavals, along with the physical and emotional stress of living a military-centered life.

I still loved what the Corps represents (still do); I met some of the greatest people and friends through the military, and we were so darn good at what we do (for the most part). I just felt that it was a “selfless” devotion to my country but a selfish move for my family to suffer through. It was time to reluctantly move on, because I knew that if I stayed, I would be making more tours overseas and I wasn’t going to be the family man I wanted to become.

I came to terms that my decision was the right one. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the right one for me. I’m sure many of you have felt similarly during your careers as well - how have you dealt with these big life and career decisions?

Response by SFC Craig Dalen made Jun 21 at 2017 10:31 AM

2017-06-21T10:31:47-04:00

Great read!!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 21 at 2017 10:40 AM

2017-06-21T10:40:23-04:00

I'm still early in my career, just made E5 which as I understand it is more similar to E4 in the Marines. Just reenlisted for 4 years to go to school for 9 months paid for by the Army and I get to play with helicopters after I'm done with school. Still reenlisting was hard to do. My wife hates how much time I spend away from home and I haven't even deployed yet. There's a good chance I'll deploy in my next position, which will be a medevac unit. With the certifications and training of the course I'm currently in as well as the contacts I have on the outside I could easily get a decent job fairly quickly however the Army life still isn't too bad for my family and I. The health insurance is important right now for personal reasons. I never planned to stay in for more than one contract but things change on a whim it seems and now I'm tossing around trying to stay in for 20 or cut my lost time now and try to move into another career. Still have a few years left to decide before my next reenlistment window opens up, guess we'll see what happens.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 21 at 2017 11:44 AM

2017-06-21T11:44:40-04:00

If my daughter didn't have her medical conditions that she has, I wouldn't have reenlisted last year and I would've gotten out this year in August when I was going to ETS. She will be 10 when I retire. I just don't think I'll find anything that covers her stuff like TRICARE has. She is on dialysis right now and needs a kidney. Even after that she'll be on medication the rest of her life. Someday I'm sure she'll have to get another transplant. I hope that advances in artificial kidneys are done and they have those to use and people aren't waiting for a donor.

I didn't ever plan to stay in 20. I was going to do my four and get out. But bonuses, duty station of choice...here I am. I was at a point I thought I couldn't get pregnant and gave up hope on it and then I did. If I had known about the genetics that caused my daughter's kidney issues I definitely wouldn't have had one with my ex and probably not at all. Hindsight. I just know the best way to take care of her is to stay in seven more years until retirement.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 21 at 2017 12:15 PM

2017-06-21T12:15:36-04:00

I always thought Staff Sgt was E-6 and GySgt was E-7. Beyond that, I do understand. I retired at the 24 year point mainly for the benefit of my family (not wanting any more lengthy separations).

Response by SN Greg Wright made Jun 21 at 2017 1:21 PM

2017-06-21T13:21:46-04:00

Pretty sure that a Marine SSgt is an E6. Good article though. I'm at the other end: I really regret getting out after 4.

Response by SSgt Nicholas (Nick) Hiddemen made Jun 21 at 2017 1:25 PM

2017-06-21T13:25:33-04:00

So I fat fingered E7 when it should be E6. Tried to edit but it won't save the change.

Response by SSgt Ryan Sylvester made Jun 21 at 2017 1:38 PM

2017-06-21T13:38:48-04:00

I was always tagged as a lifer, even back in high school. My decision to leave at 11 years was much easier, though... I was MDQ'd. Wasn't an easy transition. I will admit, I fell into a little bit of disarray afterward, especially due to some heavy drinking. I got my VBA papers in, though I had to wait two years for my rating to come through. I was on unemployment, since even the IT market in my area was pretty hit. Took a little while for me to get off my ass and start looking through and applying to colleges... but I finally did. I took my PM skills and started applying them to my life. Set milestones for myself. Started dredging myself out of the muck. Even though, admittedly, I was still in the bar nightly because my college classes were stupid easy and only the labs really required me to put in any effort... just above minimal. But I kept those long term goals in mind, and forged ahead.

I hit some setbacks along the way. Especially once I graduated. I found the civilian job market was still pretty unforgiving, even when you had all the right qualifications. Executive jobs were looking for alphabet soup. I never even got a response from anyone for 6 months. I had one interviewer buzzer in my ear for a question I knew I had right... probably trying to see how I reacted to being rattled, but it was still a dick move on her part, and I just tanked the rest the interview because screw that company if that's how they want to be represented by their HR script monkey. I had one CFO look me in the eye and tell me that unlike how it is in the military, civilians often have to wear multiple hats. I finally got into a position in academia, but that didn't last long because the position was being looked at for budgetary constraints. Fortunately, I was able to land a position within federal service... something I swore I was going to try to stay away from. But I had to change the game plan up. And right now, it's the best decision I could have made. For right now, and for my future.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, the best way I found to deal with the transition was setting my goals where I wanted to be down the road. Life, as always, changed the path, but I just found a detour toward my destination. That helped me stay focused on my new life after the uniform. Helped me from falling completely into the abyss so many others fall into. I used whatever advantages that I could to get me where I am right now, and I'll continue to use them as I move my way up. I'll be able to retire at 58 with 32 years active service... but who knows, maybe I'll stick around another 5 years for that extra 10% on the pension. It all depends. But I'll have options. And that makes all the difference.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 21 at 2017 1:53 PM

2017-06-21T13:53:03-04:00

SSgt Nicholas (Nick) Hiddemen As a kid, I followed the early Space Program with much interest. I joined because of a love of country and I also felt aiding South Vietnam was a just cause. I joined with the intent of making it a career. In Vietnam, I was amazed when I heard that we had landed on the Moon, and thought that the Space Program would make a good career. Back in the states, I felt that the Marine Corps had a serious drug problem, and was not doing enough to fix it. I made the decision to get out after four years, get my college degree, and work for the Space Program. It was a hard decision because I did, and still do love the Marine Corps. After I was discharged, the Marine Corps did clean up the drug problem. Making these big decisions do create anxiety, but you make the best informed decision that you can, and move forward.

Response by CW4 Angel C. made Jun 21 at 2017 2:11 PM

2017-06-21T14:11:31-04:00

Sure have and thanks for sharing. You're a wise man in following your heart. When I was an E4 around 4 years in I got as close as 6 months from ETSing and going to be a full time college student. Well there was one thing one big factor. We were expecting. So I made the decision to stay in. Best decision I ever made. 20 years later and a few promotions I retired from the Army, which was another decision for the family. And of course Happy Fam Happy Man!!!

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 21 at 2017 2:31 PM

2017-06-21T14:31:52-04:00

Yeah I understand your story. It took me about 18 years to enlist, as I have a congenital birth defect thanks to my dad's exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam. So I enlisted at 36, and turned 37 in Week 5 of BCT. My plan was to stay in for 20. Two deployments, one unaccompanied tour to Korea, and 5 PCS moves in 8 years wore away at my "Hooah." Constant "dog & pony shows" here at Fort Bragg, not working in my MOS, and generally feeling the physical effects of nearing 50 have cemented my decision to get out after just under 11 years.

My daughter used to be proud of being an "Army Brat" but now she complains every Sunday that she hates it when I have to go to work the following day. She also tells me how happy she will be when I am out of the Army. I guess she's entitled, as I missed 3 years of her life, and she is totally a "Daddy's Girl."

I had a career or two before the Army, so I know I have something to fall back on, even if I've fallen behind in both of those career fields. I plan on going into the Reserves to keep my retirement clock going, and some extra money coming in, as well as benefits. I know I'll be OK, but the transition does scare me when I think about it, as the Army is all I have known for the last 10+ years, and not doing the routine each day will be a foreign concept for me. I'll adapt, but until it happens, it still gives me the willies.

Sh*t happens, and you have to re-think things sometimes. Family really should always come first, because you only get one family. The Army has been around for 242 years-- it's not going anywhere. It will go on without me and anyone else. We're all expendable and replaceable. How you come to grips with that is the important thing. The Military will not be at your bedside, sharing your last moments of life when that moment comes. Think on that.

Response by SSG Warren Swan made Jun 21 at 2017 2:50 PM

2017-06-21T14:50:53-04:00

Weird...my only goal was to come in, do 20, and punch out. After my first bid, I reupped with less than 30 days till ETS. Reclassed (like a dumbass), and did three more. The Army was giving out a HUGE bonus at that time for six more, and that was decision time for real. That would put me over the hump, and I was always told never to get out once you hit 10. You're too invested in the service, and transition would be hard. The money had me, and I did it with no regrets. I loved my time in, and wouldn't change anything...BUT this one thing: When I enlisted there was a signing bonus for 11B with the Airborne option. Today it wasn't much to a kid, it was the world. I would tell that kid to walk right out of MEPS and not go back until you get what you want. It was a scam then...I didn't know it. It's a scam now...I DO know it.

Response by 2LT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 21 at 2017 5:10 PM

2017-06-21T17:10:08-04:00

This is exactly how a career should progress. Constant inflection points where you make decisions that align with your personal priorities. Some will say that getting out for those kinds of reasons can be selfish. It the reality is that it's smart for you and right for the unit. When individuals priorities change and they force themselves into a situation that doesn't align with those priorities they perform at a lower standard and are less committed. It's simply the natural order of things. This was the right choice for you, your family, and the marine corps. Job well done and thank you for your service.

Response by Cpl Justin Goolsby made Jun 21 at 2017 7:04 PM

2017-06-21T19:04:37-04:00

Great post and I can sort of relate. I loved the Marine Corps and I still do. I didn't think I would be a "lifer", but I wanted to do another tour. So when reenlistment time came, I did my part and put together a package. Unfortunately for me, my MOS was closed out. So they gave me a choice, Lat move or get out.

I was honestly considering it, but it meant having to route another package and cross my fingers that another MOS didn't close out. The kicker is my 2nd daughter was due to be born 2 weeks before my EAS. So I took my walking papers and began planning for a bigger family.

Luckily for me, I made a reputation for myself in my MOS and quickly got hired on as a contractor working with Marines. So it was pretty much a win-win for me. I got to remain in my MOS and still hang out with Marines all day.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 22 at 2017 6:32 PM

2017-06-22T18:32:31-04:00

Very honorable

Response by SGT David T. made Jun 23 at 2017 6:44 AM

2017-06-23T06:44:02-04:00

Sounds like you did exactly what you should have. We all have our priorities in life and make the decisions we do based on them (usually). People called me stupid for ETSing after 9 years. They said some things like "what you gonna go flip burgers" and the like. I don't regret the decision to ETS one bit. Had I stayed in I would be retiring in 7 months and still don't regret it. I have a great career and I am happy.

Response by Cpl Kevin Partlow made Jun 27 at 2017 11:12 PM

2017-06-27T23:12:36-04:00

Family is an honorable ambition.

Response by SFC William Stephens A. Jr., 3 MSM, JSCM made Jun 28 at 2017 2:09 PM

2017-06-28T14:09:28-04:00

HEY BROTHER, I'm right there with you I was wanted to be that great CSM and when I came back from Iraq on my 3 TOUR from Middle East and my CSM told my there is life after the Army I was wondering what WTF he was talking about because he was giving me a 2 on my rating not because of my performance but because of who I was and he did think that I should move in the Army as MSG. So I started looking at my options and let me tell while I was in Iraq my last time doing this mission for the CALL helping write book with NO weapons for awhile and bullets go buy you and you stop to think " is this right business I signed up to be in with family sitting at home and a little girl I may never get to see me again"?" Let tell when I was standing on that parade field in Wash DC with my little girl watching me and three other people retired that day It was the hardest day of my life to say good bye to something the was family to me for so long. I never looked back because the way the military and Leadership has changed I would not of lasted a second as senior NCO and I am much happier and proud to be a father and DOD civilian today and love my job and currently working on book about my Army career and my PTSD. Yes PTSD stopped my career but I think it was for the best and I don't hate that CSM for seeing a problem in me, I think in the end, He got rid of me because he was trying to fix a problem. But when I gone they all knew I was gone. One man does not steer the ship and you will always be replace by someone better. I did my time and its time that you can't take away from me.

Response by GySgt Kenneth Pepper made Jul 2 at 2017 5:10 PM

2017-07-02T17:10:17-04:00

I always thought I would do 30, but after a few injuries it got really harder. The MCMAP stuff really put the nail in it for me. I still wish I could have stayed longer, but, retiring at 21 years was the best and really the only answer.
Your decision isn't all that uncommon and it isn't to be questioned by any other than you. If you had stayed there would have been the inevitable "B" billet, which could have altered the course of your career, positively or negatively.
You will always be a Marine. Be proud of your service and carry on in Marine Corps fashion for the rest of your life and all will be well.

Response by SSgt Gene Wolfanger made Jul 9 at 2017 9:49 PM

2017-07-09T21:49:32-04:00

I was "ate up" made rank quickly given multiple additional duties, under consideration for step promotion. Then the divorce during which I fought for and received primary custody of both my boys. Was working BlackWorld at the time and never knew when a project was going to pop up. Four months after Desert Storm it was three months in Korea. Then came the early out program. They messed up and didn't look at my SDI or SEI or other AFSC's and let me out, although I wasn't actually eligible. So I went from planning on 20 to serving 10 active and 2 inactive reserve. Later I Found out from an E-9 friend of mine if I hadn't have serated I was tapped for an unaccompanied tour in Panama.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 10 at 2017 10:02 AM

2017-07-10T10:02:17-04:00

I can't discuss my choices openly but they were pretty much made for me. I wanted to be a lifer, I was in love with all things military! Still am. I battle now with a lot if I should go back in, National Guard perhaps. They have openings for recruiting close to me. Being a recruiter was something I excelled at! But I've been out passed the three year mark and I would have to do BCT again. Not that I would have any personal reservations to go through BCT again, but I have three small little ones.
And not by choice, raising them by myself. So I have to factor in the family plan, my absence taking its stressful tole on them.
And another factor that I'm not 20 anymore, what if I do get a serious injury while going back through BCT? Lol... yea the overwhelming what if's... if life only came with a better instruction manual.. lol
Thank you for sharing your story SSgt Nicholas (Nick) Hiddemen, it brings a lot of clarity to the cluster F*** of questions rabble rousing through my mind. Thank you for your service.

Response by LTC Bill Koski made Jul 16 at 2017 5:14 PM

2017-07-16T17:14:51-04:00

I hear you loud and clear. I initially enlisted solely to pay for college. It also satisfied a coming of a age urge to complete, but it was the National Guard in the mid 80s without much concern of a war for us weekend warriors. I graduated college, completed my enlistment and that was it. Fast forward just a couple of years and I felt I didn't give the Army my best and wanted to go in as an Officer and lead, and make a difference. I did this, while balancin a family and a civilian job. 9/11 hit and that changed everything for Reserve Components, Active Duty as well. Three mobilizations, my wife told me I was a happier person on Active Duty, so Active Guard Reserve I went......just late 40s and age starts to be a factor.
Point is, the military, Active or Reserve is a great career. If you really like it and it is part of you, keep it, explain it to your wife. Try the Reserves.....you can always go Active. There is more than one way to skin a cat. Perhaps another service may expand your horizons a bit? Reserve components still offer Tri-Care and it's cheaper and better than many health care options out there. If the military is you, believe in yourself. I did and had 27 years I wouldn't trade for anything. If anyone told PVT Koski in 1984 he was going to retire in 2016 as an LTC, I'd have thought they were crazy, yet it happened.
My family loves me, my oldest is Force Recon, 2nd oldest is using my post 9/11 GI Bill.
Best to you my friend

Response by PO2 Ric Beard made Jul 17 at 2017 5:13 PM

2017-07-17T17:13:28-04:00

If it were not for fantastic kids and an amazing wife, I never would have left. Might not be here today either though. I took a path and am following it to the end. Wherever it takes me, I am grateful.

Response by Cpl Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 31 at 2017 4:58 PM

2017-07-31T16:58:16-04:00

I know this is a bit older, and I’m getting closer to the end of my 5 year contract and I’m in a similar situation to you at first. I’ve been offered a decent sized bonus, married with a child and one on the way. I’m highly considering the option of reenlistment especially with me finally being select E-4 after so many years of being where I’m at.

I’ve convinced myself to do at least one more, with my body wearing down from 4 years of Cross Country/Wrestling and Track in high school and then my current 4 years in the military, it entirely depends on if my body is going to be able to handle a third term or not.

Your story definitely has given me a ton of insight on to what I can potentially see in the future should I continue down the path I’m on now.
Thank you!

Response by 1stSgt Jeff Blovat made Aug 9 at 2017 7:21 PM

2017-08-09T19:21:19-04:00

Me? I still miss the military. Had a lot of good fun and friends. Saw many countries. It took a couple long years to adjust. Took about 2 days to become a "regular guy" when I retired the state police. For different reasons.....

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 12 at 2017 10:04 AM

2017-08-12T10:04:23-04:00

SSGT Hidderman that decision still lies before me somewhere but thank you foe sharing your story with me it puts things into perspective.

Response by SGT Charles H. Hawes made Aug 21 at 2017 5:30 PM

2017-08-21T17:30:56-04:00

Absolutely! I grew up in an army family, my dad was a lifer 21.5 years. I knew from the age of 9 that I would be a soldier but like you after being married and having children i tore my miniscus in my left knee and knew that I needed to look at other options. I have missed the army but I don't regret leaving. I've been able to do so many different things in my life. I have a son in the army now and am very proud of him. I wouldn't change anything.

Response by Nicole Thomas made Feb 3 at 2018 2:23 AM

2018-02-03T02:23:07-05:00

My son came to the same conclusions when he retired.

Response by LtCol Robert Quinter made Feb 3 at 2018 6:41 AM

2018-02-03T06:41:44-05:00

No matter the recruiting slogans, unit and branch pride, or the real sense of contributing to the welfare of our nation; the fact is, we all have to face the circumstances and situations you have cited. I was never a "lifer". I enlisted for three years and stayed for 24 and six months. Opportunities continually presented themselves that I considered advantageous to myself, and later my family to continue service. The opportunities and new challenges all had costs; 18 relocations in the 24 years, time away from my family with my wife and children assuming responsibilities they may not have to have borne if I had not been a Marine. My body degraded over the years, but so did those of my childhood friends who stayed at home, just different causes for the degradation. Net result, a certain amount of security and life advantages for my family that they may not have had otherwise, but who can say for sure. You make the decisions as situations develop and don't look back.
Anyone who served honorably, be it for three, four or thirty years, has made their idealistic contribution to our nation; but each has to balance the costs against the rewards based upon their individual circumstance, their needs and the needs of their family.