Green-To-Gold Personal Statement - Round 2, has my essay improved?

2019-07-21T11:03:14-04:00

**EDIT/UPDATE** I realized that I only have 2000 characters (with spaces) to communicate my desire to become an officer. That's a tall order to fit 5 paragraphs in half a page as you will see below, so I tried to condense it to 4. I hope that I conveyed everything I needed to. Let me know if this is better than my last attempt and how I could improve. Should I isolate fewer qualities and go further into depth on each or should I leave it how it is?

I want to be an officer because I have the intellect, and ability to handle responsibility under pressure; I want to be the one calling the shots and planning for the future; and I want to be the commander who earns the respect of those around him, who drives the unit to surpass the standard for each of the tasks on its METL.
Having been an NCO for over two years and looking to pin SSG in the near future, I learned how to take care of soldiers needs and conduct day to day operations, but I am capable of more than that. Being an officer involves being an intellectual who can handle a lot of responsibility and can perform under pressure. I have been humbled as an NCO and I have learned from my mistakes on how to overcome my temptation to overthink things and of my fear of delegation. I learned to break a problem down to its core and to trust in my peers and subordinates; then I evaluated their performance and identified places where training could be implemented. I feel that in that process, I have gained an insight into a commander’s thought process.
Speaking of a command mindset, I want to have the privilege of leading a group of talented and disciplined soldiers and driving my own ship. I have seen and been subjected to too many poor command decisions that are seemingly based on someone’s convenience, rather than the unit’s METL. My Joes respect me because I communicate a purpose for their efforts and in turn, they produce a lot of value in a little amount of time. If I said nothing, they feel as though I wasted their time. Therefore, if I were to commission, I will continue to exhibit strong communication so that my soldiers can work towards exceeding our METL’s standards.
Having supported Green Berets my entire career and learned that having strong leadership is paramount to a unit’s readiness. Having the intellect to accomplish the mission, and the drive to command, I want to be an officer in the United States Army to serve in the highest capacity I can.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 21 at 2019 11:05 AM

2019-07-21T11:05:52-04:00

They force you to show your ability to compose a succinct statement that progresses your personal/professional goals, why you are the right person to be selected for G2G and what you want to do after you complete your process.

It seems like a little, but it’s plenty to tell your story and make them want to select you.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 21 at 2019 11:11 AM

2019-07-21T11:11:57-04:00

Keep an eye on run on sentences. I would recommend running through Grammarly or a similar tool. Look out for extra commas and semicolons.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Jul 21 at 2019 11:18 AM

2019-07-21T11:18:23-04:00

It's obv not bad, certainly, however, it'd help to know more...assocs, bach, grad level stuff, grades, GPAs, specific course titles, both STEM and non-STEM, hobbies, interests, reading tastes, and any sports, esp martial arts, if any...I only ask that as I have an interest in career/educ topics, so, if you can give me more, I'd have more to try to edit what you've got here, if you want, while still retaining the flavor you sought to convey, no rush, if you wanna chat more, or send more, whenever you want...the only thing I typically suggest is that, the more specific you are and/or can be, the more all of us here can generally try to be of help, that's my sole point in asking for all that, honest....

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Jul 21 at 2019 11:20 AM

2019-07-21T11:20:05-04:00

Also, have you looked at other svcs at all for posbl intersvc, and, if so, which...also, might you be interested at all in warrant, possibly, I only ask all that as further thoughts for you to try to elaborate on, if at all posbl....

Response by SFC Ralph E Kelley made Jul 21 at 2019 1:58 PM

2019-07-21T13:58:12-04:00

I recommend you keep the comments like, "My Joes respect me ...", mainly because they are looking for someone who will stand out. They are going to read 10k's worth of "My soldiers ... blab, blab, blab!"
I would recommend you leave the part, "I want to be the one calling the shots and planning for the future;" at the top as that does the same thing but more professionally written, yet definitely marks you out and an individual, NOT someone from a cookie-cutter.

Response by MSG Gary Eckert made Jul 22 at 2019 12:05 PM

2019-07-22T12:05:43-04:00

After reading this, I still do not know the answer to the question, "why do you desire to be an officer?" After muddling through your submission, I see a lot of attributes that might make you a good officer; but, you never really answer the question why you want to be an officer. I would rewrite starting will an opening paragraph that focused on the reason (BLUF) and then use the remaining paragraphs to highlight your skills and attributes.
Also, if you know a high school English teacher, I would ask them to grade your paper strictly on the structure rather than the content. I fell awkward commenting on your writing style since I am only a so-so writer myself and even on a site like RP, it normally takes me a couple of edits to compose a response. However, I know that if this was a cover letter for a resume, I would be shuffling you down the pile because it was extremely hard to read.

Response by CPL Raul Perez Jr made Dec 8 at 2020 10:15 PM

2020-12-08T22:15:02-05:00

I would change “ driving my own ship.” I feel you pain, my son changed his essay 3 times. Keep at it,

Response by SN Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 19 at 2021 7:55 AM

2021-03-19T07:55:39-04:00

That is a solid statement. You have nothing more to add, nothing more to take away. You could try changing your wording to sound more original and sincere. Here are some paraphrase websites https://www.paraphrasingservice.com/ to help you with that. Thank me later.

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Response by Theodore Lindberg made May 30 at 2022 5:53 PM

2022-05-30T17:53:02-04:00

It turned out much better but still lacks details for me. Try diluting the text with a couple of examples from https://phdessay.com/free-essay-examples/ and add sources. In general, it will go like this, a strong four.

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Response by Charles Green made Feb 5 at 2023 5:55 AM

2023-02-05T05:55:29-05:00

You have added more detail and clarity to your story, which makes it easier for the reader to understand your goals and motivations. You have also used more specific examples to illustrate your points and have made your argument much stronger. Overall, you have definitely improved on the original essay and should be proud of the work you have done.