Has anyone gotten accused of being unemotional or cheating? What did you do or say to help resolve this?

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 01:38:49 -0500

I am deployed and married (7 years). My wonderful wife is constantly accusing me of being unemotional and finding a female here. I am lost, I have tried to listen and try to show more emotions in our conversations. Nothing seems to work, can someone help give advice.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 10 at 2021 1:45 AM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 01:45:03 -0500

Individual AND Couple Therapy

Response by COL Jeff Williams made Jan 10 at 2021 3:19 AM

COL Jeff Williams — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 03:19:37 -0500

Deployments and physical separations are tough and demanding on both parties. Many times we think how hard can it be on our spouse, they are sitting home relaxing. Try and put yourself on her shoes, imagine what she is going through and the emotion will start to show when you speak to her.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 10 at 2021 7:39 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 07:39:55 -0500

Ensure you are being a good listener. I once had an issue on a 6 month TDY were I had emotionally connected with another woman but nothing physical. My marriage survived but it was definitely a dark spot. 22 years now and counting. I recommend reading the book, His needs Her Needs by Dr. Wiiliard F. Harley. Don’t force your wife to read it. I also recommend Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Good luck - keep fighting. Prayer is also good.

Response by SCPO Morris Ramsey made Jan 10 at 2021 8:01 AM

SCPO Morris Ramsey — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 08:01:50 -0500

Does she have a support group back home.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 10 at 2021 11:17 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 11:17:50 -0500

7 is difficult year for a lot of marriages, you are not alone. Communicating back home can be difficult during deployment because it's groundhogs day and there's not much to talk about from your end. Im a generally unemotional person and callin back home with nothing to talk about made the conversations difficult. Even with internet access constant now a days I still only talked with my wife every 4 or 5 days.
Have you tried talking to your chaplain or a mental health counselor? They should have some good tips for you. Your unit should have the Military Family Life Counselor (MFLC), I'm sure they would willing to do couple counseling with you can calling in. There is also Military OneSource that will do 10 free sessions, no notes, no questions asked, no records of your conversations.
My wife and I used the MFLC back when they fell under the ACS and not in the unit. You will have to find a counselor that you and your wife are willing to talk to.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 10 at 2021 12:16 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 12:16:54 -0500

Get counseling.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 10 at 2021 1:21 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 13:21:00 -0500

We’re there problems before the deployment? Was there similar statements made beforehand as well? Is there any reason why your wife would think these things? There are too many things to list as a catalyst for her to feel this way.
Even if you were at home, marriages have their ups and downs but obviously it’s easier to deal with when dealing with these issues face to face.
Personally, (married for 14 yrs and 3 kids) even though we have had and continue to have a great marriage and relationship, during my recent deployment of being gone for 14 months we experienced ups and downs with me being gone and her taking care of the kids and everything back home. It really takes both parties to be actively engaged to make anything work. Sometimes you may feel that you have been doing your part but just be the bigger person and continue to put in the work if you truly want to marriage to be successful.
I hear all the time that marriages are 50/50. But personally I believe they fluctuate. At one point it can be 60/40, 70/30, at other times it can be 80/20 and vice versa. It’s never going to be equal as someone will always be putting forth more effort than the other.
Good luck brother.

Response by SGT Joseph Gunderson made Jan 10 at 2021 3:16 PM

SGT Joseph Gunderson — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 15:16:02 -0500

My second wife left in part due to my inability to share, so she said.
Frankly, there's no living with someone who is perpetually accusing you of transgressions you haven't committed or is constantly displeased with your emotional state. Aside from counseling, there isn't much to be done about an emotional disposition, and there's nothing you can do about your spouses overactive, if ridiculous, imagination.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 10 at 2021 3:37 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 15:37:28 -0500

When I was deployed, I talked to wife via skype. I kept her in the loop and always let her know what was going on.
She was having a harder time at home than I was. I always knew where and what was required. She was taking care of day to day and worrying about my safety.
Always sent boxes of gifts and made sure she was only one for me
7 years later still is

Response by CW2 Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 10 at 2021 4:54 PM

CW2 Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 16:54:31 -0500

I'm told I'm unemotional at times. I figure it came from my early deployments when you saw so much horrible crap that as a defense mechanism you shut down emotions, otherwise you'd be crying and we're such a "macho" society and we see crying as weakness, herego, shutdown. Takes a while to figure out and start dealing with.
Like others have said, couples therapy - if anything to just figure out the underlying issues so you both know what to work on.

Response by MSgt Steve Sweeney made Jan 10 at 2021 6:34 PM

MSgt Steve Sweeney — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 18:34:22 -0500

Many will recommend counseling, but I would recommend getting off the pain train as soon as possible. Unless there are kids in the situation, cut your losses and begin anew. Doesn't seem to be working out. And if there are currently no kids in the situation, by God, don't bring them into it. If you two already have kids, then you may need to suck it up and go the counseling route for their sake... and carry the burden, for the kid's sake.

Response by SPC Chris Hallgrimson made Jan 10 at 2021 6:46 PM

SPC Chris Hallgrimson — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 18:46:32 -0500

A neat trick I witnessed was a woman writing out personal notes to each of her kids before leaving and they got to open 1 a day everyday she was gone. Perhaps this could be adapted for your situation. Also, save some of your conversation just for her. It is said that if we tell someone other than our spouse all our news then by the time we tell our spouse it’s old hat and our “enthusiasm” is gone from conversation. Find out her “love language” and capitalize on it. Book 5 Love Languages is good. I know my wife likes acts of service and I like physical touch and affirmation. It definitely helps. Surprise her with a cleaning or cooking service once or twice at random etc. and most of all, be faithful to her, yourself, and the Lord.

Response by Cpl Vic Burk made Jan 10 at 2021 8:30 PM

Cpl Vic Burk — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 20:30:06 -0500

Is she hearing something from someone else saying you are cheating? Other women can often put thoughts into our wives heads and give them doubt. When the trust is gone from a marriage it will spell trouble. My wife was (and still is) and extremely jealous person. If a pretty lady passes by I have to make sure I don't take that second look that is innate to most males! She too, once upon a time early in our marriage accused me of cheating (which I have never done in our forty years of marriage and two years of dating). It got so bad at one point I was ready to leave because I couldn't take it any longer. I was ready to take my clothes, the car and leave. She didn't want counseling. I told her if she could prove it I would sign over all our saving, the house and both cars.

I asked her how bad she wanted to save the marriage (we didn't have any children at that point). She said she wanted to save the marriage and I flat out told her unless she had concrete proof she needed to knock her suspensions. I later found out the one putting the crap in her head was a friend of hers that had got divorced due to cheating. The funny part is this women also admitted to us that she had bee cheating herself.

See if you can get her to go to counselling. Best of luck to you.

Response by MAJ Byron Oyler made Jan 10 at 2021 10:04 PM

MAJ Byron Oyler — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 22:04:59 -0500

Is this her first deployment?

Response by SSG Dale London made Jan 10 at 2021 11:33 PM

SSG Dale London — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 23:33:17 -0500

Go see your chaplain and ask for his advice in the immediate term. Also - bear in mind that with you deployed she may be feeling very insecure. Try to be understanding. It may be that she just wants to hear that you miss her a lot and that you are suffering as much as she is.
When you get back - go to counselling with her and develop sound communication strategies that you can both agree on and sustain.
Failing to communicate with each other adequately is one of the biggest stressors in a marriage.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Jan 11 at 2021 9:50 AM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Mon, 11 Jan 2021 09:50:46 -0500

Women think a lot about security. The expression of love for them almost always involves some type of security. The Army called you to leave your wife. No matter how well you prepared her, she will feel insecure. You need to communicate to her that your love for her is assured. You need to make sure she is financially secure. You need to help her be emotionally secure. You could do some of this by asking questions when you talk with her. Listen to what she says with security in mind. If she’s not sure she can pay the bills, doesn’t have any friends and hasn’t been talking with her Mom, then there are security problems you both need to work on.

Counseling may help.

Response by LtCol Robert Quinter made Jan 12 at 2021 3:18 PM

LtCol Robert Quinter — Tue, 12 Jan 2021 15:18:47 -0500

If you are on unit deployment and your unit has a dependents' support group back in the states, there might be someone in the support group that could contact her and gain her confidence. She may be lonely or down in the dumps and need someone in the same situation to talk with.

Alternative might be talking with your local chaplain and see if he can make a connection with your chaplain at home to see if they could be of assistance.