Has anyone on here ever lost a young child? I lost my 12 year old daughter to cancer. How did you deal with it?

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 04 Jun 2017 03:54:46 -0400

Response by Capt Seid Waddell made Jun 4 at 2017 4:11 AM

Capt Seid Waddell — Sun, 04 Jun 2017 04:11:05 -0400

Not a child, but family member. Our prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.
One day at a time.

Response by Martin Milstead made Jun 4 at 2017 5:10 AM

Martin Milstead — Sun, 04 Jun 2017 05:10:11 -0400

I haven't lost a child but I just lost my mom to cancer and I was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness. I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry that you are going through something no parent should ever experience. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to list just holler

Response by Maj John Bell made Jun 4 at 2017 5:49 AM

Maj John Bell — Sun, 04 Jun 2017 05:49:41 -0400

I cannot tell you how sorry I am for the pain that has entered your life. No parent should ever have to bury their child.

When my son was 12, we were visiting family. Sam's grand father lived directly across the street from his uncle. It is a rural state trunk line and the speed limit is 55mph. Sam's uncle bought a go cart for his kids. Sam saw the go cart being unloaded and was so excited, he didn't look before he crossed the road. The car that hit him didn't have time to hit the brakes. His mom, sister and I all watched, seeing everything from the living room.

Here are some things that I will offer, (some of them may seem hurtful to you now. I sincerely hope you understand them later)

If you and your wife go to grief counseling, at some point the counselor will tell you that statistically your marriage is doomed. At that point you and your wife should stand up, tell the counselor to go to hell, and walk out. Accept the challenge. The best way for you and your wife to honor your daughter is to love each other, rather than focus on and retreat into your own individual pain. It has been 19 years since our son died. I can honestly say that our marriage has never been stronger.

You are a man. You must never forget that you cannot help your daughter by making her more important than your wife and any surviving siblings. All that does is let cancer claim more victims. It honors your daughter to focus on the survivors of her cancer.

Some day you and your wife will smile again, you will laugh again; and not feel survivor's guilt. And that is OK. But I guarantee you that some ass will think it is too soon, and will comment about it. Write that ass out of your life.

At some point you will tire of people offering their condolences. They mean well, but it is like they are sticking a knife in the wound and setting you back to square one. Hold your tongue. At some point, you will want to re-enter the world. People will remember that you lashed out. They will forget why.

Some day some one will say they love their dog or their cat like it is one of their children. Don't let them know how ignorant that statement is. Pray for them, pray that they never have to learn the hard way how ignorant they are. You are going to see life differently now. You will realize that most of the things people think are really important, are not important at all.

At some point in the future, you will realize that you didn't think once about your daughter all day. The guilt will be crushing. It doesn't mean you are a bad father. It means you are healing. The pain will never go away. Your grief brought back all of my own pain, loss, and confusion; as if I was still seeing Sam cartwheeling through the air. But in a few moments the tears will stop, and I will be able to get back to the duties of the day. Your pain will never get less. But the time between the sharp bouts of pain will get longer. Expect to be "out of sorts" on holidays, and special days (like when she would have graduated) and each year around the day of her death. On those days, focus hard on the living.

The best way to stop feeling sorry for yourself is to help someone else. I became an EMT. I might not have been able to help my son. But his loss taught me to help others.

You have joined a club that no one wants to join. I will not tell you that our experiences are the same, or that our healing paths will be the same. But If you want to talk, or you want to hold on to the phone and know that another man at the other end of the line weeps for your daughter, request a contact. Each person grieves differently, but I will share what I can.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 4 at 2017 6:04 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 04 Jun 2017 06:04:15 -0400

Thank you.

Response by LtCol Robert Quinter made Jun 4 at 2017 9:54 AM

LtCol Robert Quinter — Sun, 04 Jun 2017 09:54:39 -0400

My sincere condolences for your loss. I have gone through it twice; my daughter as a young adult, then, five years later, her son who was living with me.
The pain never goes away for either, but it does change.
I have come to realize my grandson's death was the most devastating as he was on the cusp of realizing what he could be and saw the path he was going to take. His dreams that we shared were wiped out with his death.
The only relief I had was both were sudden and I did not have the pain of going through watching them slip away as you did with your daughter.
There is no response I could make that will relieve your pain. Your memories of her will be with you forever and all your dreams of her future died with her. You will always wonder what would have been.
How you handle it is as personal as your relationship with her. I found my will to go on by the realization that I am a facilitator for the dreams and aspirations of my other children and my wife, who were an important part of both of my deceased children's' lives and dreams. To abandon my other children or my wife would be a betrayal of my daughter and grandson.
The one thing you must leave behind is the guilt of not being able to prevent her death. The why's and what ifs have no answer. Your loss is not fair, not logical, and not your fault; but to not give your support to the people your daughter loved would be a true betrayal.
Secondly, each individual has to handle the loss in their own manner. You may not agree with the way your wife or other family members handle their grief, but learn to be tolerant of it as long as it isn't destructive of their, or the family's life. If one of your other loved ones starts down that path, give them your support as well as any other help you can get them.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 4 at 2017 1:23 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 04 Jun 2017 13:23:53 -0400

lost my daughter 18 yrs old to car accident while I was serving in Iraq, time does make a difference, but the pain is still there

Response by PO1 William "Chip" Nagel made Jun 5 at 2017 12:37 AM

PO1 William "Chip" Nagel — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 00:37:26 -0400

CPT Private RallyPoint Member I wish I Had Words but I'm Speechless, My Prayers are with You, I am an Old Man and Have Lived Long Enough to Meet My Grandchildren. I can't even imagine Your Loss. Even as an Old Man I am just getting used to being a Orphan with My Father Passing 3 years ago.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 5 at 2017 10:49 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 10:49:05 -0400

No but I am sorry for your loss. I cant even imagine what that may feel like especially since I am a new dad myself, I have a 5month old daughter.

Response by LTC Stephen C. made Jun 5 at 2017 12:33 PM

LTC Stephen C. — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 12:33:27 -0400

I have not lost a child to cancer, CPT Private RallyPoint Member, so I truly cannot comprehend or even imagine your loss. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with your daughter, you and your family.

Response by Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth made Jun 5 at 2017 2:14 PM

Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 14:14:59 -0400

I wish I had words of wisdom but I have never experienced this and I cannot even begin to remotely feel what you are feeling. I have lost a parent and aunts to cancer but they had lived a long life. The one thing I have learned is that nothing and I mean nothing is bigger than God. Why this happened to her, I don't know...but I do know this, it will be tough but I promise you her life has already impacted others and will to come. All the doctors, nurses, techs, friends, family members, church family have all been impacted by her sweet smile and positive attitude that they will carry for the rest of their lives and they will impact others because of her impact on them. She will live on and one day you will see her again as this earth is a fleeting passage of time. Know that you have a RallyPoint family out here if you need to chat it up. We may not have walked a mile in your shoes but we can at least listen. God bless you and your family as you move forward and try to find the "new" normal.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 5 at 2017 3:15 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 15:15:49 -0400

There is no easy fix, I lost my 3 year old son several years ago and it took years for the pain to fade. We still visit his grave several times a month. Just remember the fun and love you shared and keep him in your heart, he will always be with you.

Response by Cpl Justin Goolsby made Jun 5 at 2017 6:56 PM

Cpl Justin Goolsby — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 18:56:36 -0400

Honestly, I don't know. I'm sorry for your loss. Just the thought of losing one of my girls is enough to bring tears to my eyes. But actually losing them, I don't know how any parent is able to cope. I do wish the best for you and I hope you are able to find the peace you need in your time of grieving.

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 5 at 2017 9:19 PM

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 21:19:03 -0400

You deal with it because there is no other alternative. The hurt never goes away, but, it does become bearable and it does eventually cease to be constant.

The love never leaves you and that helps you to bear the loss.

Sorry you have to go through it. But, remember you also have to help your wife.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 6 at 2017 3:31 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 15:31:37 -0400

As a parent of an 11 year old girl, I can't tell you how devastating that would be for me. But then, I don't need to tell you what it is like, do I?
Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss, that must have been awful.

As for what to do, I can only express a parallel.
Years ago I lost two Soldiers in Iraq. I didn't know either of them terribly well, but I sure got to know them and their families afterwards. For years, there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think of what I should have done different, how I could have done this or that to change the outcome. It became an obsession.
Until one day I rediscovered fishing. There is something about man vs fish on a lake that helps you forget about what hurts and focus on the general beauty of life that we just walk by unnoticed every day. Finally, after a few weeks of bass and muskellunge, and more than a few beers, I felt normal again.
I don't forget them; my oldest son is named after them. But aside from the anniversary of the day they died when I take a few minutes to share a Bourbon with them, I can truthfully say I have moved on from grief and self-flagellation.
It only took eight years to figure it out.
I hope you can find that peace faster than I did.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 7 at 2017 2:22 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 14:22:42 -0400

CPT Private RallyPoint Member I'm sorry for your loss!

Response by SGT Ben Keen made Jun 8 at 2017 2:33 PM

SGT Ben Keen — Thu, 08 Jun 2017 14:33:41 -0400

CPT Private RallyPoint Member - While I haven't had to deal with such an awful thing like losing a child at such a young age, I did want to comment and say that my family and I will be praying for you.

And as one of the senior user admins here on RallyPoint, I want to say how great it to see the community come together to help one of our own through such a dark time.

Response by SGT Anna Kleinschmidt made Jun 8 at 2017 6:14 PM

SGT Anna Kleinschmidt — Thu, 08 Jun 2017 18:14:48 -0400

Bless you, the loss of a child is one of the hardest expirences of life. To watch them suffer for a length of time befor they pass makes it even harder, in my opinion. My husband and I were unable to have children together. I did have a child from a previous relationship but we wanted children together. We became fosterparents. We got a little boy that was 5 months old and we were going to most likely going to be able to adopt him. After he started walking he developed a little bump on his leg that I thought was just from him bumping into something while learning to walk. It continued to grow. I am an oncology nurse, I knew it could be anything and didnt panic but knew that it needed a biopsy immediately. When the results came back it was the 1 in a million thing that I knew was a risk but didn't believe it could really be. We watched them amputate his leg but it was already too late and after a year he was gone. We never got to give him our name. His birth parents had no interest in coming to the funeral. Most people were kind and loving to us, but what hurt was the people that would say things like well it's not like he was really your kid! We loved him just like he was ours, he was going to be ours. It was hard to hear such cold responses from people when you are in that kind of pain.

I am sorry about your loss. The only comfort I could find for some time was knowing he wasn't hurting anymore.

Response by MSgt Mark Bucher made Jun 12 at 2017 11:07 AM

MSgt Mark Bucher — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 11:07:15 -0400

I'm sorry for your loss brother. I've been blessed having my children all grow up healthy and happy. My heart goes out to you

Response by MSgt Steven Holt, NRP, CCEMT-P made Jun 12 at 2017 11:28 AM

MSgt Steven Holt, NRP, CCEMT-P — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 11:28:46 -0400

“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.”

― Jay Neugeboren, An Orphan's Tale

My deepest condolences on the loss of your daughter. Both of my sons are still with me and I don't know what I would do if I ever lost one of them.

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Apr 10 at 2018 11:32 AM

SGM Bill Frazer — Tue, 10 Apr 2018 11:32:32 -0400

1. My deepest condolences and prayers. 2. You never ever get over it, you just adapt/live with it.. 3. Losing any child hurts regardless of age- I lost my baby daughter (39 to cancer) and my son (36) to OD. I hurt everyday remembering them, what they accomplished and worse- what they could have accomplished.