Have you ever contemplated suicide while in the service or after and why?

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 03 Aug 2019 19:17:23 -0400

The most devastating news I heard today. To date, there have been 79 Air Force suicides. If this trend continues...Just in the Air Force, we will reach around 150 suicides in 1 year. The most in USAF history.

On top of it, An Airman...In my new squadron...Female...Decides to take a microphone and speak out (in front of about 200 ppl) at a commanders all call...about her challenges she has been facing for 5 years, struggling with the option of taking her own life. Her reason = Her peers, her supervisor, her people she works...Completely Unsat.

Talk about courage, bravery and just utmost complete honesty. We need to find a solution.

#thishastostop #mentalhealthawareness #mission22 #veteranssuicideawareness #veteranssuicideprevention #22untilnone #22aday #22pushups #protectourairmen #protectourmilitary #beafamily #bond #createapositiveenvironment

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Aug 3 at 2019 9:54 PM

SGM Bill Frazer — Sat, 03 Aug 2019 21:54:14 -0400

Yes, after retiring, before PTSD diagnosis, in the middle of an ugly divorce. I have keep the hole in my wall to remain me that it is never bad enough to leave a mess for my family to clean up.

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Aug 3 at 2019 9:57 PM

SGM Bill Frazer — Sat, 03 Aug 2019 21:57:10 -0400

You do know that roughly between 20-22 vets commit suicide every day and 1 active duty member. Since the VA started tracking in 1999- we have lost over 150k veterans and over 7k active,.

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 4 at 2019 1:09 AM

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 04 Aug 2019 01:09:07 -0400

Yes, a long time ago while stationed at Bragg when I was active duty. There's a lot I could say and a lot that ought to be said.

First, a huge shout out to all the groups that host a 20-22 mile ruck every year. We used to call it "Ruck for Honor", but the name changed for some reason (https://chicagovets.org/chicago-veterans-ruck-march-2019/). Most everyone has heard about the 22 a day number (last year a new VA study changed it to 20) and each mile is for each person. It's a great gig that gets veterans together and raises awareness.

I was 21, with 75+ hour weeks, in a unit with a lot of EO problems. Army life is hard, but I made it harder by dating the wrong kind of woman. It was a BAD relationship. Eventually, she started sleeping around with other guys and I broke apart one night when I caught her. I felt like shit and couldn't imagine having to put in the hours for another week. As I was heading back to base, I really wanted to drive my truck off the side of the road. I remember my goal was to do whatever it took to put myself in the ER for a while. If I died, oh well. Can you imagine? How did it ever to get to that point, in garrison? I was extremely broken and without answers, but to be so reckless with my life? I don't think it was that big of deal, rather, that night was just the last straw that finally broke my back.

I made it to my buddy's place and we checked into the hospital. Things were taken care of from there. I feel that I was being pushed so damn hard, with so little respect by a lot of my NCOs, and such a dim hope for any brighter future, that when my personal life fell apart my whole being fell apart. I just wanted to check out. It was a rough 3 months after that night, things didn't get easier. I picked up smoking, I drank, took therapy, and I became a miserable and angry person.

I did not fully recover from my time at Bragg until 4 or 5 years later. I couldn't sleep well for years. Every night was rough for me. I know most all of us lose sleep, it comes with the job. But it amazed me how long the pain stuck with me. I look back and notice this slow and gradual deterioration of myself and others in my unit, and how a number of events pushed several of us over the edge.

Now, I had a good amount of shitty leadership, but I am not dumping the blame on others. What I am saying is that in hindsight I can see the value of a compassionate, professional, and invested leader that takes care of soldiers while working them to death. I do credit the Army for the mental health training that was going on during the time. We were all getting told that asking for help isn't a weakness, and I really bought it. I remember my buddy telling me that my suicidal thoughts scared the shit out of him. He thought I was the strongest person he ever met, and to see him outside his door that night, such a miserable mess, made him feel that if it could happen to me it could happen to him.

Since then, I have spent a significant amount of time studying ethics and compassionate leadership, but I don't believe an RP comment is the appropriate place for a lot of academic talk. I do want to share a great article though, about Maj. Gen. Pittard and his work with suicide.

https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/03/the-general-who-went-to-war-on-suicide-214923

Chicago Veterans Ruck March 2019

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Response by SFC Casey O'Mally made Aug 4 at 2019 11:28 PM

SFC Casey O'Mally — Sun, 04 Aug 2019 23:28:04 -0400

Yep. I have been told that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That statement could not be more true. But when you get to that point, none of your problems seem temporary. I never got to the "plan of action" stage. I was at what I call the "inertia" stage. I wasn't going to do anything to actively end my life - but I also wouldn't do anything to preserve it either. I wasn't going to go park on the train tracks, but if my car happened to die there, I wouldn't be concerned with getting it started again or fleeing.

What got me there was a slow unraveling. I lost custody of my kid, which was hard, but was even harder because I knew in my heart of hearts that his mom was completely unfit to be a parent. And the fact that a court said he wa better off with her not only atripped me of my kid, it atripped me of my identity, because I thought I was (and still think) a good dad. For a while, my career was stagnating - I kept getting thrown into assignment after assignment working outside my MOS. I was performing well, but had no shot at promotion, because I had only one NCOER in my entire career (8 years in my MOS, 18 years TIS) where I was rated in my MOS. I deployed, working in my MOS, with the understanding from my SGM that I would get a job in my MOS when I got back to try and get my cateer back on track. While deployed, I did some pretty great things, was widely respected, and got a GREAT rating. I was regaining some of my identity, and trying to throw myself into my work to make up for the loss of custody. And then I returned from deployment to a new SGM who was toxic, and determined to derail my career again. It was that brief bit of hope that did me in. I startwd to allow myself to have hopes and dreams, rather than just putting one foot in front of the other and taking it day by day. Then when those hopes and dreams were ripped away, and my identity was again crushed, it was too much.

If I had been able to fully recover from the custody battle, I am sure I would have been fine. Had I never deployed, and just stayed mired in doing good work outside my MOS, I would have been fine. Had I returned to a SGM who honored the commitment the unit had made to me, or who had at least tried to work with me to build a career path, I would have been fine. But the combination just made it so I had no identity, no reason to WANT to live. I didn't necessarily want to die, but I had absolutely no reason to stay alive.

Response by Maj Kim Patterson made Aug 4 at 2019 11:40 PM

Maj Kim Patterson — Sun, 04 Aug 2019 23:40:06 -0400

Yes. I will defer the why and other details to another day

Response by CPL Gary Pifer made Aug 5 at 2019 12:45 AM

CPL Gary Pifer — Mon, 05 Aug 2019 00:45:29 -0400

Yeah all the time...I am service connected 100% bi polar I. It's psych drugs. I have no plan.

Response by PO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2019 2:13 AM

PO3 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Aug 2019 02:13:36 -0400

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtWQgMwaLjI&feature=youtu.be

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Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2019 6:09 AM

Sgt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Aug 2019 06:09:46 -0400

How sad for us all, Capt Private RallyPoint Member...

Response by SFC David Reid, M.S, PHR, SHRM-CP, DTM made Aug 5 at 2019 7:32 AM

SFC David Reid, M.S, PHR, SHRM-CP, DTM — Mon, 05 Aug 2019 07:32:00 -0400

Hell no. But, I know this is changing!

Response by CSM Richard StCyr made Aug 5 at 2019 12:53 PM

CSM Richard StCyr — Mon, 05 Aug 2019 12:53:10 -0400

No and no, but I've sat up many a night listening to Soldiers and steering them away from it and then taking them to professional help. Leaders have to be approachable enough that Soldiers will call you if they have problems.
One thing that troubles me is that we have lost more Soldiers to suicide from the unit I served as CSM to during two combat tours, then we lost to enemy action. We lost one down range to suicide from a good unit with a positive command climate that took everyone by surprise to include his battle buddy. Plus five others as veterans now that I know of , one wasn't a surprise as they had alcohol, discipline and drug issues while on active duty (doesn't make their loss any less meaningful but when you get the call; it's not a shock). The other four were solid Soldiers, NCOs and family men. With the exception of the Soldier down range the others all had multiple combat tours (2) with me to Iraq and then others later.
My only suggestion is to make yourself available and be as good a friend, leader and Soldier as you can be and be ready to help folks when and if they ask or need it.

Response by SGT James Murphy made Aug 5 at 2019 7:10 PM

SGT James Murphy — Mon, 05 Aug 2019 19:10:27 -0400

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Response by SSgt Christina Herr made Aug 6 at 2019 8:39 AM

SSgt Christina Herr — Tue, 06 Aug 2019 08:39:31 -0400

Yes, it was after I was out, but I worked on an Air Force installation. The only thing I remember as my "why" was I felt invisible. Everything that I knew to be a bad thing, people were praising me for or had very little empathy for if I did mention it. I was going through my fourth divorce-yeah shes a pro at this, no big deal. I was working out and running six days a week-you go girl, getting ready for the next one huh. I was losing weight-girl you are lookin good! I was buying new clothes-how fun you went shopping this weekend. I was getting a lot of new tattoos-girl spend that money before you lose it. No one considered that this divorce was hardest on me. When I would mention it, I would hear things like "you cannot be upset about your divorce. You asked for it." No one thought about the fact that I had never been into exercise and that I was ignoring my children for 12+ hours a week. No one considered that I liked being a bit bigger or that I hated shopping. No one thought about how irresponsible it was that I was spending money, instead of saving it. I had just enough fight left in me to fight my thoughts of wanting to die, so they did not turn into thoughts of how I would kill myself. I finally have the courage to tell this story in my safeTALK class-only because magically one of my classes put all of my "invitations" on the board and I noticed it. It almost brought me to tears.