How can we prevent divorce from affecting our forces?

2015-05-15T10:03:40-04:00

1SG Private RallyPoint Member started a conversation on why lower ranks don't post more on rally point. Well, that immediately made me think of one of the almost guaranteed events in the military; divorce. What is your advice on making sure that you are able hold on to your significant other during you time 'in', and after.

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2015 10:18 AM

2015-05-15T10:18:09-04:00

Best way to avoid divorce is to not get married.

If married, treat you spouse like a king/queen. Always put him/her first.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2015 11:06 AM

2015-05-15T11:06:31-04:00

SSG Private RallyPoint Member, today happens to mark my 18th (and regrettably, last) anniversary. I won't recount a long story, but I would tell you that the issues involved were cummulative and had built up over time to the point she made the calculation it wasn't worth it anymore.

My advice: never, EVER go to bed with an argument still ongoing. It will not just "go away". Sometimes that means giving in when you don't think you should.
I am living proof that the consequences of divorce are far, far worse then holding the line and being "right" all the time.

One more nugget: often, she is trying to tell you something without coming out and saying it. Don't be so blind or linear that you miss what she's really trying to tell you.

Response by SGT Aaron Barbee made May 15 at 2015 11:08 AM

2015-05-15T11:08:35-04:00

Always put your spouse before your personal needs. And more importantly, be yourselves. If you have to force change to be happy, then it won't work. I'm on my 3rd marriage. The first should have never happened, the second we parted ways mutually. After many years of reflection, I realized one of the major issues in my 2nd marriage was alcohol. I was drinking a lot. Nobody said anything because alcoholism is part of the military culture (side note: not all of us are alcoholics by nature, many of us become alcoholics through peer pressure, unit/team activities, and never realize how much we actually drink until it's too late), sure wish they would have though. Could have saved me from some poor decisions that eventually lead to that divorce.
I am happily married now, drink very rarely, and able to stay career focused while keeping my wife's needs ahead of my own. And the best part?, I still get to be myself and do the things I enjoy without wondering if we're happy.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2015 11:10 AM

2015-05-15T11:10:48-04:00

I think I've been both blind and linear for a long time Top. This sounds exactly like me. Time for change.

Response by COL Jason Smallfield, PMP, CFM, CM made May 15 at 2015 11:20 AM

2015-05-15T11:20:06-04:00

- Like sex and abstinence, the only guarantee to never getting divorced is to never get married.
- If one does get married then a few thoughts:
- Maturity. Both need to be mature individuals. This is not an age thing, it is a maturity thing.
- Common outlook/goals. Standard joke is that women get married hoping to change the man while men get married hoping the woman never changes. Both end up getting disappointed.
- Energy. Like most other human endeavors, one gets out of a thing what one puts into a thing. Therefore if one does not want to get divorced then both individuals need to put energy into the marriage.
- Wedding vs marriage. There is a difference. If I have to explain the difference to you then I can not explain the difference to you. I can explain to you but I can not understand for you.

Response by SFC Douglas Davis made May 15 at 2015 11:35 AM

2015-05-15T11:35:32-04:00

Hmm I married a German10.5 years younger than me we partied hard in Germany. Then came our son sure we had our fights but we found a way to work through them. We were either to stubborn to give up or worked hard to make it work. That being said we will celebrate 31 years of marriage in October.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2015 11:44 AM

2015-05-15T11:44:19-04:00

Marriage is the leading cause of divorce.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2015 12:30 PM

2015-05-15T12:30:03-04:00

In a relationship, marriage or dating, both sides need to feel wanted and appreciated. And although not everyone believes in Christianity, this Bible verse sums up a great guideline.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2015 12:47 PM

2015-05-15T12:47:30-04:00

Don't sign up for MP. If you do, you might as well get used to it falling apart just because you're never around. Garrison, deployed, whatever. Never there.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 15 at 2015 2:25 PM

2015-05-15T14:25:48-04:00

Sometimes one needs to get rid of the wife to save your career.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2015 2:35 PM

2015-05-15T14:35:53-04:00

Make sure you get married for the right reasons to begin with. The vast majority of the divorces I see are ones that began way to soon. Young troops meeting someone at the club on a weekend, and married 1-2 months later. If you didn't give yourself the chance to know the person you are marrying, then your marriage was dommed from the start.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2015 2:36 PM

2015-05-15T14:36:37-04:00

Don't marry someone you don't know extremely thoroughly or don't trust, and don't marry someone who doesn't trust you completely either. Seems like that's the big one, be it money, fidelity, what-have-you.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2015 3:23 PM

2015-05-15T15:23:12-04:00

I have to add that my original post was changed; the original post was not about prevention after the fact. Also, it was not a post for the force. It was a post made to help PEOPLE. Human domain, not 'we told him/her so'. If I am wrong for pointing out the change of title, please correct me.

Response by Cpl Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2015 3:29 PM

2015-05-15T15:29:43-04:00

I've been in for almost 4 year and married for 5 months. Plus being a grunt doesn't help. For me, my wife is tired of the command, and because of that she's starting to get pissed off more and at me and there's a whole story behind it too

Response by SSG (ret) William Martin made May 16 at 2015 12:01 AM

2015-05-16T00:01:25-04:00

Divorces can be nasty whether some of you had one or some how you were involved as children when younger or you watch a service member, a family member or a close friend go through one. I believe the best way for an SM to handle a divorce is to simple let them handle it. Not everyone has the experience or knowledge on how to handle a divorce and that is why we have experts like JAG and more life experience leaders like the PSG and the 1SG. I had a Soldier get a divorce from her husband. When she told me I asked what can I do for her to make life and work easier. I also asked about children, and their possessions. A private sector employer would not give a hill of beans about their employees status but in the military, we are responsible for each other. I also do not want my Soldier to get taken to the cleaners so I want to make sure they have the time to seek proper counseling. If we are going to be in the field training on and off for the nest month and then heading out to NTC for a month long away from home, I need to know his or her plans. This is about getting involved with your subordinate. If I was to ask a fellow subordinate leader if they knew if their subordinate was going through a divorce and I knew but they didn't, they are simply WRONG!