How did you cope with divorce?

2015-05-10T06:27:44-04:00

My husband of almost 7 years dropped a bomb on me yesterday and now we are getting divorced after 8 years together. How did you get through? I'm at the can't eat or sleep phase and I will be for a few days. Gotta move again at some point though.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made May 10 at 2015 6:32 AM

2015-05-10T06:32:03-04:00

Find a hobby or favorite program and watch clean through.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made May 10 at 2015 6:31 AM

2015-05-10T06:31:49-04:00

I am sorry to hear that and is one of the hardships of life and again so so sorry. Meetups are a good way of doing and they are in most major communities across the country and world.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 10 at 2015 6:36 AM

2015-05-10T06:36:07-04:00

The hardest part will be going into work tomorrow

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 10 at 2015 7:01 AM

2015-05-10T07:01:15-04:00

It was very difficult for me to handle. I was deployed in Iraq when my ex wife dropped the divorce on the phone. To be honest, and I'm not ashamed to say it, I became depressed, I had to seek for advice from my Bn Chaplain and from my chain of command. Most of my peers were talking crap on my back and made fun out of my situation, but I overcame that. I started to work out, changed my eating habits and became more spiritual while deployed. When I returned from the deployment and faced the situation it was hard, and it was harder to explain to my son why daddy was leaving. He was 6 years old back then. I suffered a lot because of my son. But believe me, God always have a reason for all things that happens to us, and he hep us heal those hurtful wounds. The difficult part is to understand that is in God's time, not ours, when everything will be back in place.
My best advise? Keep your head high, walk tall, and no matter what be happy. Trust God and talk with your chaplain, or any chaplain ( I'm Catholic and my Chaplain in Iraq was Baptist and he helped me a lot). Take time to yourself and discover how amazing you are. You are not loosing anything, is your ex who is loosin more. Pray for him and forgive no matter how hard it is. Now, after all I went through, I found a wonderful woman, I remarried and I am happy. I learned from that experience and I can tell you I am happy. I will pray for you even though I don't know you. Army Strong! Hooah!

Response by PFC Tuan Trang made May 10 at 2015 7:16 AM

2015-05-10T07:16:02-04:00

I haven't married yet, but i understand your sistuation Ssg,

The thing that i can tell, most husband or wife who marry a service member most of time they divorce because they love one is not beside them time to time. I think it best talk to battalion chaplain, chain of command. It best to move on.

Response by SSgt Chris Lambert made May 10 at 2015 8:01 AM

2015-05-10T08:01:07-04:00

On a personal, level just keep moving forward. Get a good lawyer.

On a professional level you have to take care of yourself both physically and mentally. I understand the not eating or sleeping but don't linger too long there. Seek out someone to talk to either professional or a good friend. Talk to your boss's get them on board and tap into that support network. Take some time off and remember that it is not your fault and people just go their separate ways.

Response by SSG Paul Setterholm made May 10 at 2015 8:28 AM

2015-05-10T08:28:19-04:00

My ex had affair and divorced me as the airport when I returned home from deployment (note: we stayed state side). I went through the can't eat, can't sleep, can't focus in the gym phase. I found that running helped release the anxiety. At one point, I was running for 3 hours a day. I felt like "Forrest gump" but it worked.

Response by SrA Marc Haynes made May 10 at 2015 8:55 AM

2015-05-10T08:55:57-04:00

SFC Private RallyPoint Member I am sorry to hear the divorce. Not knowing the specifics of your situation I can only say that for me it helped to find to have people that you can talk to about it. Make sure they are female if that is possible, and not ones that are bitter from their divorce.

I don't know if you have kids. In my situation it was more about my son's mental health. I do not verbalize negative feelings for her around him. I have had full custody of my son at times due to her mental health issues which started when my son was five. I am financially a single parent despite settlement agreement. If you do have kids be hyper vigilant of them during it.

The bottom line is the big D sucks! Talk to friends and I would suggest professional therapy services. Keep your head held high. DO NOT take responsibility for the entire divorce but own YOUR part and work through it in a healthy manner.

The best of luck to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Response by SrA Marc Haynes made May 10 at 2015 9:05 AM

2015-05-10T09:05:50-04:00

Oh and p.s. just take it one day, one hour, on minute at a time if need be. Just tell yourself "I can make it through , designated time frame".

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made May 10 at 2015 9:09 AM

2015-05-10T09:09:44-04:00

Get a lawyer. See the Chaplain. Tell your boss so you can get the help and leave you'll need.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made May 10 at 2015 9:34 AM

2015-05-10T09:34:47-04:00

I worked out a lot, spent time with friends, and saw a counselor. There were days when I just wanted to be alone. There is no right or wrong answer. Unfortunately, there will be days that are weeks, months, maybe even years down the road that something will remind you of your marriage and you'll cry. :(

One thing I highly recommend, process everything through a lawyer and through the court; no matter how minor it may seem.

God will bless you and see you through this awful time.

Response by MSgt David Heil made May 10 at 2015 10:23 AM

2015-05-10T10:23:09-04:00

Sorry you are going through this. It's hard, make no mistake about it. The hardest part is doing what you need to do for yourself and still meeting your responsibilities at work. This is going to take a while to resolve.

1. Run, don't walk tomorrow, to your boss and let him/her know everything that is going on. I have been on both sides of this conversation. When it happened to me I explained the entire story to my boss and this one step saved me huge amounts of grief later on. Over the years I have had many employees come to me with the same problem. Having been in this situation gave me perspective and I believe helped me be a better supervisor.

2. I'm sure you have a close friend. You're about to find out just how close they are. Your friend is going to become your support system. Everyone needs someone to talk to and bounce idea and problems off of from time to time. If you don't have a friend, see the chaplain. If that makes you uncomfortable, send me a note. I'll be your friend and you can yell at me and bounce your ideas off of me.

3. I don't know if children are involved but in my divorce they were. My son is on RP as well and he was a teenager at the time of the divorce. My advice is this: Do not say anything bad about your soon to be ex in front of the children. Everytime you say something bad about about the ex you are saying something bad about 50% of the child and they will remember.

4. I don't know if you drink alcohol.....but limit your intake. During emotional distress it is real easy to have one/two/three too many. Use caution.

5. Understand you are going to have emotions like a sine wave. The ups and downs come and go without warning. Recognize them for what they are. Its normal and a part of the process.

He is the good news. I realize I don't know you but you have been evaluated and determined to be of high quality to be put into the position where you are responsible for the lives of others. This is a devastating personal situation. I get it. But you are smart and strong. Talk to your boss, lean on your friends, look to the future and you'll get through it. And unfortunately....get a good lawyer.

David

Response by CW2 Joseph Evans made May 10 at 2015 10:32 AM

2015-05-10T10:32:46-04:00

I coped badly. Got the news right after a PCS and deployment orders had been confirmed.

Step 1, realize it is about him and the fact he's a selfish oaf.
Step 2, look after yourself and what you need. The best way to get past is remember the other things that are important to you and what you need to succeed in your happiness.

JAG - get a reference for a good divorce lawyer. A simple mediation is usually best, but that is going to depend on what he expects to get out of the divorce.

Chaplain - Someone to talk to that has a legal obligation to maintain your trust. A civilian counselor may also be an option. The ones who work for the military have the military as a client, not you... It's an odd relationship and can lead to awkward situations.

Take some you time - Use some leave to get your head in the right place. Falling apart at work is not a good way to set the example. Stay in touch with friends/peers/seniors so they know you are ok, go out with friends, just don't collapse in front of the juniors.

Get a hobby to fill the time you would usually spend with him. Gym, education, just about anything that doesn't involve Netflix and a tub of Ben and Jerry's.

Response by LT Garth Young (Ret) made May 10 at 2015 10:44 AM

2015-05-10T10:44:29-04:00

My wife of 40 years decided she wanted a divorce! Not easy to deal with, but you have to move on. You have 2 choices in life...cry, be down, or pick up the pieces and move on. I choose to move on, I hope you do as well. Sure, I had went through sadness, madness, but as you move on you find happiness again. Hang tough...there is life beyond.

Response by CMSgt Private RallyPoint Member made May 10 at 2015 10:57 AM

2015-05-10T10:57:45-04:00

I am very sorry to hear this. I will not say "I know how you feel" since it is a very individual thing to grapple. But, I absolutely have been there.

It is very dependent on innumerable factors. There is no shame in seeking professional help since this is an immense time to tackle alone. Your friends and family WILL Be there for you, but they can only lend so much impartial and helpful advice for so long. Nothing against them, but I found that venting all my endless rapid-fire thoughts was easier to a paid professional. A little new-agey, but I also found immense solace in Reiki and hypnotherapy.

You will have good days and bad days. No telling which is which to come, but you have to endure each as they come. Stay healthy and remember to eat, drink water. I know it sound ridiculous, but you may forget. Work out as it will help to clear your mind.

I spent my reparative time getting ME back together and building back MY life. After being a *we*, you will realize the need for *me* as a priority. I realized that without the independence of *me*, I would never be better for the next big thing in my life whether it is career, family, love life, etc.

It takes time to get to the other side of it, but you will.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 10 at 2015 11:47 AM

2015-05-10T11:47:14-04:00

I haven't been there, but I have seen situations like yours. In my opinion, as much as you are hurting and say you are in the "can't eat, can't sleep" phase, you are already on the right track. You are already reaching out for help and comfort, realizing you don't know what to do, and you can't do it alone. You have already said you know you will be happy again. As much as you are anxious about it, you are already preparing yourself to go into work tomorrow. You are already showing how strong you are. The only advice I could give as an outside observer is 1 - Allow yourself to grieve. Don't cover up the grief with other stresses, like work. You won't be happy, your soldiers won't be happy, and your team production will suffer. 2 - Don't let this effect your future relationships, both personal and professional. Over time, you will reflect and see mistakes both of you made (probably due to being young and naive), and you will grow from this. Try not to become bitter, and since both of you are military, do your best to take the high road (i.e., don't trash talk him to other seniors or subordinates). The Army is a small place, and you never know who will work with/for/over him in the future, and vise versa. 3 - Find someone who will hold you accountable for destructive behavior, like alcohol and partying, BEFORE it becomes an issue. Most importantly, take care of yourself.

Response by TSgt David Holman made May 10 at 2015 11:55 AM

2015-05-10T11:55:07-04:00

That is very unfortunate, and I am sorry to hear that. The first thing you have to do is make sure you have a safety net. That could be either family, or close friends that are willing to listen to you, and help you through. It is going to be tough, but you will make it through.

Response by SSgt Anne Moor-Lane made May 10 at 2015 12:12 PM

2015-05-10T12:12:48-04:00

Oh Dear, I'm so sorry for your circumstances.
#1 most overlooked emotion is grievance. TAKE TIME TO GRIEVE your loss in a healthy way. Pray nonstop to your Higher Power (mine is Jesus). Lean on your faith, immediate family members & NONjudgmental friends. EVERY entity outside of family & close friends will want to insert their opinions, what they've heard about your husband in the alley, etc. You'll soon figure out who's in your corner objectively. Learn to tune out negative distractions as such.

Now is the time to learn more about yourself when the goin' gets tough. TRUE FORGIVENESS is paramount. The sooner your aware thru faith that forgiveness is actually possible, it will enable you to move forward much more easily. Your forgivenesses capacity is greater & far more fulfilling than you realize. Forgiveness doesn't equate to immediately forgetting your husband's transgressions. It amounts to your 'innate' ability to focus on positive surroundings.

If you share offspring, worst thing possible you/your husband can do is use offspring as leverage/pawn to control divorce proceedings' outcomes. They'll grow up to resent you/your husband. See the view from the top as greatest gift from God.

Ex/I decided by our own cognizance to take free court & military-offered single-parenting classes together to best benefit our son. They weren't mandatory tho hindsight I 'm convinced they should be. These classes taught us various coping mechanisms on how to appropriately channel feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger, etc.. They also provided key resources for adult/child/family counseling services. They emphatically explained not to seek revenge against spouse & especially stressed refraining from having adult conversations with children present as well as resisting the urge to speak negatively about your spouse to/in front of kids.

Indeed, I practiced my preaching above to a "T" & beyond in 2005. My ex & I were both AD at the time, built our dream home together, our son was also 3.5 yrs young. We resided in a "no-fault" state for divorce. He was unfaithful & I busted him in the act. That aside, the state didn't care about who cheated who or anyone's feelings. This worked in positive favor for our divorce. Tho cloudy in my mind's eye back then, it allowed more seamless expedition of our divorce trajectory & to stay on course.

You're in my prayers, Soldier!!

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 10 at 2015 12:32 PM

2015-05-10T12:32:40-04:00

Monitor yourself for major depression that you cant get out of. Divorced causes that for some folks. Look for racing thoughts, depression, anxiety, stress, sleeplessness, pit in the stomach. It took me months to recover from my divorce.

Response by Col Private RallyPoint Member made May 10 at 2015 10:26 PM

2015-05-10T22:26:08-04:00

Time and friends. It was very hard because I was the one who realized the marriage wouldn't work, so I filed. So I was made out to be the jerk because I filed. That made it harder. But my goal was to focus on raising our son the best I could. He was the best thing that came out of that marriage.