How did you deal with separation for the first time?

2016-10-08T03:50:25-04:00

I'm a newlywed. My wife has never been away from me for a period of time, but I'm used to being away from loved ones. She's clingy, but she grasping the idea of that I may be away for a while. How did you deal with it when you are your spouse went away for a while? I don't want her to succumb to separation anxiety because she couldn't handle being apart.

Response by Col Rebecca Lorraine made Oct 8 at 2016 4:51 AM

2016-10-08T04:51:37-04:00

Hey Kevin, I'm sorry you are experiencing difficulty in this, but I would encourage her to work, build her own life and not be emotionally so dependent on you. If she has a close friend or family, that can help her with loneliness. I also took on hobbies and projects that got me thinking of other things. Stay in touch and tell her your proud of whatever she decides. Maturity and being young newlyweds can make this worse, but your relationship can grow if you work on the separation piece.

Response by Sgt Wayne Wood made Oct 8 at 2016 9:45 AM

2016-10-08T09:45:25-04:00

Tread carefully... i was four months late for my WEDDING.... cutoff... that was not a good start.

Response by Lt Col John (Jack) Christensen made Oct 8 at 2016 10:26 AM

2016-10-08T10:26:04-04:00

It will be easy for you, you'll be too busy to dwell on separation. You wife needs to rely on the support groups available at your home station. Don't know what you living situation is (on or off base) but if she is on base there will be lots of support from wives who are in the same boat. On base there will be lots of stopping by to see how you're doing etc., living off base this still will happen but perhaps not as often. She needs to become active in wives clubs, hobbies, etc. and if she works it's a good chance to work on refining her job skills. In today's world of internet and cell phones you will still be able to communicate regularly, not like when I was deployed, so it's not like you'll never be able to talk with each other.
Its really a great chance for her to learn that she can be self sufficient. You should encourage her to start working on some project that the two of you may have been planning. My wife actually planned and completed finishing of a basement while I was on a remote assignment. Biggest thing is your attitudes, you both need to think of the separation as a challenge, not some awful thing that you must endure.

Response by SSG Stephan Pendarvis made Oct 8 at 2016 10:26 AM

2016-10-08T10:26:48-04:00

I started mentally separating about 5 years out...been studying Buddhism about 5 years before that...helped tremendously.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 8 at 2016 6:13 PM

2016-10-08T18:13:22-04:00

Keep yourself engaged in her life as much as you can while you are away! Also encourage her to find work, volunteer, join area Facebook groups to find friends, really anything that can keep her engaged in a positive manner while you are gone.

Response by SPC James Harsh made Oct 8 at 2016 6:25 PM

2016-10-08T18:25:51-04:00

I didnt communicate a lot, rarely. My brother deployed the same time and talked all the time conversly. My advice is not to turn to alcohol when you get home. Both of us seperated. He has 2 kids with someone else and I never had relationship problems until returning so hope that helps

Response by COL David Turk made Oct 8 at 2016 8:02 PM

2016-10-08T20:02:07-04:00

Needs something and/or somebody to occupy time; e.g., classes (education), hobby, sports participation and/ spectator, volunteer (schools, charity organizations), take local trips with another SM wife(s), visit relative, get a job (part or full time).

Response by SGM Mikel Dawson made Oct 8 at 2016 8:11 PM

2016-10-08T20:11:18-04:00

If the family support group is doing what it is suppose to do, then she will get some help. Before deployment, our FSG had some unit family events, BBQs and such to get family member together. Maybe try to get her focused on a job, hobby. Knowing she is doing well will make for a better deployment for you.

Response by SGT Alan Dike made Oct 8 at 2016 8:25 PM

2016-10-08T20:25:50-04:00

I had been married 2 months before deploying to Iraq. Keep in contact, as mission allows. Let her know the menial crap you do daily, but keep in mind opsec. Let her go home to be with family and her support structure...

Response by PO1 Darrell Hix made Oct 9 at 2016 8:16 AM

2016-10-09T08:16:50-04:00

Kevin, I too was a newlywed when I had to leave for deployment again. The key to our success was a strong support group at home for my new wife. That includes good friends, close family and the knowledge she isn't alone. Make sure she's comfortable reaching out for help and knows who to reach out to. Also, be sure you leverage communications opportunities when they are available. Start now to establish a good friendship group at home with folks you know you can trust. There will be tough days in there and you shouldn't avoid talking about them up front and giving her the knowledge that you know she can handle it. Confidence in her and your support will go a long way.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 11 at 2016 12:52 PM

2016-10-11T12:52:37-04:00

Have her understand that there are spouses out there who are dealing with the same thing she is. Have her get involved with other families within the community where you are living, introduce her to shipmates in your shop that have spouses that are going through or have been through the same thing (have get-togethers, cookouts, etc.). Get family involved with it, let her know that she isn't alone (schedule visits). Help her with getting finances set up, medical stuff, etc. so when you are gone, it will be easier on her to facilitate things. Have your spouse get a group hobby that all share.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 11 at 2016 12:58 PM

2016-10-11T12:58:33-04:00

For me I went back to marry my wife and it was still a year before we were even together in Italy. Then when she finally did come to live with me six months later I deployed. She will miss you. You will have stress. She will have stress. It will suck. But its not forever. Know that she is alone and misses you. I would say most of the problems we faces was really just missing the other. Always remind her you will be back and that you love her. Tell her to keep busy. School, work, volunteering, travel, etc. Encourage her to go out. In your mind think of it as a learning opportunity for her. Simple things around the house that she might not know how to do she will learn. Find the bright side to it all.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 12 at 2016 8:06 AM

2016-10-12T08:06:29-04:00

A lot of great advice already. Before you go, set up a financial plan to pay bills and have "allowance" for each of you. For example, once you allocate your finances for bills and savings, you each have a set amount for whatever you want to spend it on. Staying on an agreed budget will SIGNFICANTLY reduce the amount of stress while you're gone. Second, if she isn't already involved in the Family Readiness Group (or service equivalent) please get her integrated; speaking with like minded spouses will also help. Third, write and SNAIL MAIL letters to each other. Email and texting is nice, but there is something intimate and loving about taking the time to hand write a letter or a card and sending it. Receiving actual mail is a morale booster like none other. Fourth, a pet can be the best friend to a single person; I adopted my dog before I met my husband (who is also a service member). When he's TDY, she's there to keep me company and someone who I can lavish my attention upon. And finally, communication is the key. You will miss each other terribly, but if you can routinely and openly communicate, mutual understanding and encouragement, your relationship will be stronger. My husband and I have been together for 6 years now, of which we have only been in the same place for 18 months. Its hard, but it can be done. Good luck,

Response by SGT Matthew Schenkenfelder made Oct 12 at 2016 1:02 PM

2016-10-12T13:02:29-04:00

Ho to the DAV (don't file directly through the VA they'll just jerk you around), file a disability claim, get a job, and welcome to the real world where nobody cares about your military service except for a few that use your recent discharge as a tax break for their company if they hire you on.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 12 at 2016 2:22 PM

2016-10-12T14:22:02-04:00

My wife and I went through the same thing. We tried discussions, therapy, medication, and various social outings. Finally, she got a job and started a new social network, independent of my own, and things improved immensely.

Response by GySgt Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 12 at 2016 7:11 PM

2016-10-12T19:11:25-04:00

You said you are newly weds and you both are probably still new to the military. Has she ever lived independently or lived by herself for any real amount of time? Does she work? Do you have kids? Has she gone to college or does she have a skill? If she isn't working, why not? What does she do when you are at work? What happens if you don't answer her calls when you are at work?

These are questions I would ask my Marines when they had a clingy wife. The answers to the questions helped push the direction of the help required.

She definitely should go see a counselor...that probably means you will go with her to a session or two, as well.

Response by MSG Floyd Williams made Oct 13 at 2016 11:08 AM

2016-10-13T11:08:57-04:00

Congratulations on your marriage may God bless and prosper you and your wife! Do your wife understands your obligation to the military? You and your spouse take time to plan everything that needs to be done while you are awhile. It is hard being away from your spouse and family, but use the means of fast communication by cellphone and/or computer by e-mail, instant messaging and video chat. It work for my wife and I it gave us comfort, but let your wife know if she doesn't hear from you in awhile you probably away from Base Camp and you will contact her asap. Let the words "I love you" always be in your conversation by the means of communication I mentioned, find out how was her day and if there any challenges she need advice to handle, and before you leave get your wife connected to a Family Group Organization on Post, also establish one with family and friends the more support the better. I wish you well and be safe!

Response by SPC Brian Mason made Oct 17 at 2016 8:05 PM

2016-10-17T20:05:21-04:00

Never say never. She did just fine before you two met. Both of you are going to have to, yes HAVE to prepare and deal with it. Those that won't/don't will succumb to doing things to fill the void. Unfortunately, I was affected by this. My ex-wife cheated during a deployment. It's quite common in the military.

Response by Veronika Holmberg-Kicakova made Oct 18 at 2016 11:23 PM

2016-10-18T23:23:01-04:00

Hello! My husband is gone a lot. A lot a lotm he is gone every week and comming home for weekends. I came here to the US in June from Europe. We met there and got married here, after just 2 weeks being rogerher he was gone for the first week. Everything here was new for me, I have never been here before. But I found out that the easiest way how to not go crazy when he is gone is stay busy. I planned stuffs to do when he is at home and then I just go and do my list. I do some crafts, clean the house, go out to the city or for a hike woth the dog. I haven't made lots friends yet and I hope it will change with living on post and when I start to attend some sport classes. But if you will be gone it will be good for her to plan as much things as possible to do. It will keep her from thinking about being alone and separate and also you should be in touch at least once a day. It will help a lot too. I will hold my fingers crossed !