Have you ever experienced grief? How did you get through it?

2023-01-17T11:01:31-05:00

Response by SSgt Christophe Murphy made Jan 17 at 2023 11:40 AM

2023-01-17T11:40:56-05:00

Anyone who serves long enough will experience some level of depression, loss, anxiety or stress. The key is finding a healthy outlet or hobbie and also finding someone you can speak to. It doesn't have to be a counselor, therapist or Chaplain/priest/pastor but having someone you can speak to is huge. I only served 11 1/2 years before I was medically retired but in that time I accrued quite a lot to fill my proverbial glass. You have to have an outlet to vent the pressure and steam and everyone needs a friend to talk to. Bottling up that ugliness will eat you from the inside. Every unit I served at had multiple Service Members attempt and/or commit suicide. Every single one. And it came down to people not talking to people and leadership not engaging their people.

Response by GySgt Kenneth Pepper made Jan 17 at 2023 1:05 PM

2023-01-17T13:05:15-05:00

One of the worst times for me was finding out a Marine I recruited and got to know very well was killed in action. That hit me like a brick wall. I went through the normal stages of grieving and ultimately was able to live with it knowing that it was his destiny. I just happened to be there when he walked into my office.
That doesn't remove the feeling of loss, especially the loss I feel for his family, but it helps me move on and not dwell on it.
RIP SGT Chad Allen, USMC

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Jan 17 at 2023 1:10 PM

2023-01-17T13:10:21-05:00

Sir, kinda silly question, especially if you have been AD and served 10 years or more. I carry on my soul and heart the 14 SM's I lost from 1973-1995. Grenada, Panama invasions, GF1 and Mogadishu. It's damn hard, but if you are having to lead your people thru it, you don't have a lot of time to ponder it. PTSD doesn't go away, but you can get help in controlling it, the same for depression. It makes for a rough life when you go civilian, and every day is the start of a new struggle, but also another chance to win.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 17 at 2023 1:54 PM

2023-01-17T13:54:34-05:00

I'm pretty sure everyone has, at some point in life, experienced grief whether they served or not.

Response by COL Randall C. made Jan 17 at 2023 2:02 PM

2023-01-17T14:02:45-05:00

Many times throughout my life. From grief from the death of loved one to that caused by the inability to help the same.

How I got though it was the same - leaning on and sharing with friends and family, many who were going through the same grief I was.

Response by SFC Casey O'Mally made Jan 17 at 2023 2:27 PM

2023-01-17T14:27:11-05:00

One foot in front of the other; fake it 'til you make it.

If you keep yourself too busy to grieve, you never have to! And you just keep pretending like everything is OK, and eventually it is.

I say that only halfway serious - but it is still halfway serious. This is a HORRIBLY unhealthy way to deal with grief. BUT.... sometimes it is the only way to deal with it, because stopping to grieve just isn't an option.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 17 at 2023 2:54 PM

2023-01-17T14:54:22-05:00

Express your grief in written thought or art. It's very therapeutic. Also talk about how you feel with a trusted loved one, not just anybody. I've experienced grief a few times in my life and each time, I had to make an active effort to find a positive outlet to help me cope. I'm sorry if you are experiencing adversity, sir. You'll make it. Trust in Jesus and pray.

Response by SSG Roger Ayscue made Jan 17 at 2023 3:33 PM

2023-01-17T15:33:28-05:00

Sir I have an awesome answer for you but I prefer to not post is on the main board

Response by Maj John Bell made Jan 17 at 2023 5:46 PM

2023-01-17T17:46:59-05:00

Lost my 12-year-old son 24 years ago. You don't get through grief. The wound scars over. It is always with you. It is never behind you.

The painful moments grow farther apart and shorter in duration.

The pain loses its crippling intensity and becomes a dull nagging ache with which you can function. And that healing brings a sense of guilt.

I found that when my grief was at its darkest, the best course was to help someone else with no expectation that they would or could do a thing in return.

Response by SSgt Richard Kensinger made Jan 18 at 2023 11:55 AM

2023-01-18T11:55:46-05:00

Bereavement is extremely common and a natural reaction. Grief is the most painful part and mourning is the cultural aspect. Only complicated grief requires clinical intervention. It is one of my clinical specialties.
Rich

Response by PO3 Rosalind Robbins made Jan 18 at 2023 6:39 PM

2023-01-18T18:39:38-05:00

I'm my belief there's two stages to grief initial and long term, you can also have an intermediate stage. The initial stage, death itself, will determine how you handle grief. You have grief so strong at this level depression and other mental health issues that develop even suicide. If the person who died was a family member, the first year would be the worst. Closing out sold or estates, packing up homes and valuables, deciding who gets what. The intermediate stage can start after the first year when husbands and wives try to start a new life. Friends/ soldiers try to return to activities they use to enjoy with those friends/ soldiers that were family to them. This stage may be 2 to 3 years, in my view. But once again, it depends on the person ability to process/ handle the grief. Then you have long term grief. A grief so embedded that the individual has shut down. This person, hopefully, has gotten mental health care and medication. This individual may even require hospitalization. The only person that can truly answer this question is the person going through the grief.

Response by SGT Alan Martinez made Jan 18 at 2023 9:44 PM

2023-01-18T21:44:56-05:00

Hey Brother, Greif.. I have experienced my share. The only thing that ever seemed to change itfor me was time and space from the the incident. I have had so much grief that I learned this jaded statement that I say over and over to myself "They are not here anymore and I am. It's your world." I just say it over to myself. What about you?

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 19 at 2023 7:12 AM

2023-01-19T07:12:56-05:00

My Mother died 2 months after I returned home from Iraq and 1 month after I got married. My Father died about 4 years later. I got thru it with the love and support of my wife. While the pain of their loss will never be gone, I know I can keep moving forward because of my wife and daughters

Response by A1C Medrick "Rick" DeVaney made Feb 7 at 2023 3:54 PM

2023-02-07T15:54:43-05:00

Well, Let's See... The Following Family Member Have All Passed Away,
And Every One Due To Cancer:
~ Mom At 64,~ Nephew 1st Diagnosed With Leukemia At 6 Months... Hit Him A Total Of 3 Times.. Died At 34..~ .. Niece, 50 Pancreatic Cancer . ~..1 Brother At 74 And ~ Another At 80. ~ Then Sister At 64,~....
And I'm TOLD, "It's Not Heredity"....Bull Sh*t.!
So "YES" I've Had To Deal With Grief... And How Did I Handle It.?...
Each One Was Different, But After Awhile You Almost Become Numb To It..
You Never Get Over It; But With Some Luck, You'll Get Through It.
It's Not An Easy Task....It's Survival.

Response by PO1 Robert Ryan made Mar 21 at 2023 5:24 PM

2023-03-21T17:24:03-04:00

In Vietnam it was easy. Just simply said "IT DON'T MEAN NOTHING". After Getting Sober, I realized it meant a lot, I finally grieved for the loss of friends. Realizing what thieir sacrifice meant to me and our country. Also Grieved when my Second wife passed from Brain Cancer in 2007. We were married for 32 years. She never left me, even through the bad years of my addiction and finally through my recovery. I was blessed to have such a wonderful wife.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Mar 21 at 2023 8:05 PM

2023-03-21T20:05:18-04:00

I had grief when I was experiencing PTSD in its prime. I grieved for my old self and would have trade a limb for my mind back. I finally evolved out of the grieving stage by healing 160 degrees. Irony is I have helped hundreds of people with PTSD, but I cannot help my wife. We lost a 28-year-old daughter a year and a half ago and my wife is broken. She has a large hole in her heart that I can't fill nor fix. Some people are like that. I do the best I can supporting her.

Because you are chaplain, I expect you to message me, so we can talk about PTSD in the army. Like I said, I have helped hundreds of people heal 160 degrees. I can also illuminate the pro's and con's of the army approach to soldiers with PTSD. I will wait for your message.

Response by MAJ Byron Oyler made Mar 22 at 2023 2:30 AM

2023-03-22T02:30:05-04:00

I get to experiencing grief professionally and you either develop a plan or change professions. Chloe was my first IO and intubation and with her brain deformity was lucky to have lived 18months. Larry we think had a febrile seizure at home, aspirated, and then coded. Nathan was three months and his mother likely fed him in bed, fell asleep, and rolled over on top. I remember these kids like yesterday. I know I have these days coming and have an EMS playlist just for these days. Kryptonite by Three Doors Down, Superman by Five for Fighting, The Show must go on by Bruce Hornsby and the Range and also by him mandolin rain, songs from the movie Backdraft.

Well, I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind
I left my body lying somewhere in the sands of time
But I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
I feel there's nothing I can do, yeah
You called me strong, you called me weak
But still your secrets, I will keep
You took for granted all the times, I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head
If not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you back on solid ground
If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman?

Five for Fighting:
It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream?
And it's not easy to be me

These songs remind me I am not superman, I am human, and it is ok to be sad when the job does not go the way I wish it would go. In my line of work, you have to find a way to get your head back in the game and be ready in five minutes for the next person that may need your help and you dont always get five minutes in between. I know with the kids I have lost that they will make be better for the ones I can save. This summer will be thirty years since my EMT-B and 20 since my RN, I must be doing something right.