How do I develop tact?

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 06:20:06 -0400

As a cadet, I've struggled with developing tact. Whenever I try to say something, as hard as I try, I feel like I come off sounding like a jerk. What are some steps to developing the type of tact needed for the military? Sometimes you need to be direct and loud and you need to get things done in a hurry. Where's the line?

Response by LTC Kevin B. made Jul 23 at 2015 6:24 AM

LTC Kevin B. — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 06:24:13 -0400

You'll find the right method over time, given plenty of opportunities to practice. I wouldn't stress too much about it at this point. Just don't be so quick to talk when you are given the chance. Quickly think about what you want to say, then rephrase it before you say it out loud. Also, listen to other people's tone and demeanor, and try to follow their lead. You can also ask for feedback from people that you trust and/or admire. Best of luck to you.

Response by SCPO David Lockwood made Jul 23 at 2015 6:24 AM

SCPO David Lockwood — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 06:24:28 -0400

Tactfully!

Response by Lt Col Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2015 6:42 AM

Lt Col Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 06:42:33 -0400

Cadet Meaux, do your comments add anything to the conversation or are they just you spouting your opinion? That question may help you develop tact. Know your audience; not everyone or situation needs to be down and dirty. Finally, time may be your greatest help. As you learn how to respond to different situations, you will develop tact if you are truly listening and learning from what you hear. As an officer (which you will be someday), you need to learn when to rein in your thoughts and listen to your people. Again, you need to learn to listen to your people...........one more time...... Good luck!

Response by LTC John Shaw made Jul 23 at 2015 6:45 AM

LTC John Shaw — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 06:45:15 -0400

Two nuggets provided by one of the GO i worked for: 1) Think before you speak. 2) Be brief, be brilliant and be gone.

Force yourself to thoughtfully consider what you will say and how it be received. This will be very hard at first. You can even practice common situations that you normally just respond and people get a little bent.

I used index cards for common situations....over time you will find your initial reaction change and people will find you more effective.

Response by LT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2015 6:49 AM

LT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 06:49:03 -0400

I would say the mere fact that you're cognizant of the issue is a step in the right direction. Remember that you can always ramp up the intensity of your speech if your point isn't getting across but its pretty hard to do the reverse when dealing with people. I would echo what others have said, find a leader you admire and emulate their style until you find your own groove.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2015 6:49 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 06:49:03 -0400

I agree with LTC Kevin B's comments. To piggyback on that: Watch good senior NCOs whom you respect and adapt what you see to your style, rank, and position. The same could be said for senior officers, but senior NCO's have typically had more practice. By the time one reaches E-7 or E-8, it becomes pretty hard to hide a lack of tact or to excel without some skill in this area. Respect and emotional self-regulation are underlying in tactful communication - those are the parts both parties feel more than they hear or see, but they are the parts that need to come first for the conversation to be optimally "tactful". Lastly, rank, position, relative power, and urgency of the communication are all important in modifying the approach. Tact has some basic essentials, but it is not executed in a one - size - fits - all fashion.

Response by 1LT William Clardy made Jul 23 at 2015 7:04 AM

1LT William Clardy — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 07:04:01 -0400

Learn to empathize with the people around you, CPT Private RallyPoint Member, and practice seeing and hearing yourself the way that they do. Subtle changes in your choice of words can trigger huge changes in how they are perceived, and surprisingly few people take the extra step of thinking, "How will they react if I say this?"

Compare these different ways of reacting to a mistake:
================================
Where was your head at?

That just blew our safety margin!

We can't afford another mistake like that!

Everybody makes mistakes, but that really cost us!

Okay, deep breaths! We can do this. That was our learning curve, a little rough, but now the choice is to get it perfect or go home. Right?
================================

When you can understand and discuss views that you viscerally disagree with, then you will know how to be tactful.

Response by Capt Richard I P. made Jul 23 at 2015 7:08 AM

Capt Richard I P. — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 07:08:44 -0400

Great question. You deserve credit for asking. This one was tough for me to develop to where I am.
1. Remember (and truly believe) that you do not know everything.
2. Always put yourself in the other persons' position.
3. Think twice before you speak.
4. Seek feedback (in private) from a trusted peer or senior enlisted advisor.

Response by Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS made Jul 23 at 2015 7:15 AM

Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 07:15:41 -0400

Without knowing specifics it's hard to give specific advice, however sometimes it's phrasing.

As an example "I need you to..." can be changed to "We need to..." It's changing a directive order to an implied order. Same message, same number or words. Equally efficient, just modified tone.

Response by SSgt Alex Robinson made Jul 23 at 2015 8:09 AM

SSgt Alex Robinson — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 08:09:53 -0400

The easiest way is think before you speak. Think about how you want yo be treated. You can correct subordinates but be constructive. Follow the golden rule. Seek the advice of someone your senior or senior NCOs. Use this who have life experience as role models.

Response by Cpl Jeff N. made Jul 23 at 2015 8:15 AM

Cpl Jeff N. — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 08:15:26 -0400

An old saying I use when in any professional setting is that you have two ears and one mouth for a reason. You should listen twice as much as you talk.

Try to describe the outcome you are looking for and let them determine how best to accomplish it. There are many benefits to this approach. You allow them to think and plan the tasks, you get the result you need or a coaching opportunity with them if the result is not what you needed.

You have to develop trust and trust comes from character. Once people trust you it is much easier for you to get them to do things for you with very little prompting. There are times you have to be direct and to the point. If your people know you and trust you and that your character is above reproach they will understand the varying circumstances and why the style may have variations to it.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2015 8:33 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 08:33:40 -0400

As a cadet your most important asset is listening your opinion is important to hone your tack skills Think before you talk "would you want to say in the form of a question asking yourself what you want to say before saying it's the general public if you find the question offends you in anyway think of a new way of saying it so that what you say makes you think Of the objective and not respond to the question with hostility Of course getting to know your people it's also very important one to get to know them you can then come out and talk with them and be able to get across what you need to without seeming offensive and remember you should always take all opinions into consideration before responding So that you make everyone on the team feel as if they are important as the rest of the team Also if you find the weakest link in your squad and help that individual become more than what they are you will gain their respect and ultimately the respect of your team

Response by CDR Michael Goldschmidt made Jul 23 at 2015 8:35 AM

CDR Michael Goldschmidt — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 08:35:09 -0400

A big part of tact is an age-old rule of leadership: praise in public and censure in private. I agree with everyone else here who says think before you speak and put yourself in the other person's shoes as to how you come across. Eliciting feedback from others might give you a better idea if you are simply being self-conscious or if you are actually coming across abrasively. Too often, officer programs foster arrogance, which some mistake for confidence. Give yourself an arrogance check from time to time. If you are feeling arrogant, do something that makes you feel humble. Arrogance and leadership don't mix. Also realize that a request from a leader is an order. Therefore, your orders don't have to be brusque, and your brusqueness will communicate a sense of urgency if most of your orders are not. That's a great arrow to have in your quiver.

Great question, CPT Private RallyPoint Member. Keep askin' 'em!

Response by SFC Stephen King made Jul 23 at 2015 8:35 AM

SFC Stephen King — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 08:35:33 -0400

Tact and self awareness are two things that develop over time. Don't be afraid to fail try different approaches and you well eventually develop what I call your own flavor.

Response by CMSgt Mark Schubert made Jul 23 at 2015 9:09 AM

CMSgt Mark Schubert — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 09:09:45 -0400

CPT Private RallyPoint Member You and I have the same problem - I've been fighting it since I was born. But - there is an example of what I learned - start of with finding common ground! :-)
2nd point is - if you DO need to get it done in a hurry, forget about tact - that is NOT the most important thing in a crisis - just go for it and "get er done"!

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2015 9:11 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 09:11:27 -0400

That is something I deal with daily and have for the 10+ years of been on active duty, as well as my 4 years as a cadet. Unfortunately, I think it is a part of your personality and a minor character flaw, as it is for me. As such it will take years and years and effort to change. After all this time I still say things them think about it a few minutes later and kick myself for how rude/arrogant I sounded.

You have one up on me though, I didn't see the problem until I was already a Captain. It had been pointed out but I never really saw it until then. It became especially evident when I was a company commander. I asked my First Sergeant to talk to me afterwards if I had done something dumb, he did, and it helped.

For now just try to make sure that you brain is faster than your mouth. A technique I try to use is to think out the full sentence and plan it before I say it. Yes, that takes time, but literally only milliseconds and no one will notice. Sadly, that's the best advice I can offer, and I've been there. It just takes time and conscious effort. Good luck.

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2015 9:19 AM

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 09:19:03 -0400

It appears as if.... probably....you might want to... etc. All accomplish the same thing, but it comes off much better. Don't you think so?

Response by Lt Col Timothy Parker, DBA made Jul 23 at 2015 9:27 AM

Lt Col Timothy Parker, DBA — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 09:27:54 -0400

A good read on developing tact (better described as emotional intelligence) is called Primal Leadership by Goleman, Boyatzis and McKee. Is was published in 2002 but is still applicable. I would advise anyone in, or going into a leadership position to read it. Just my humble opinion.

Response by Capt J A made Jul 23 at 2015 9:44 AM

Capt J A — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 09:44:18 -0400

Great recommendations from the group! I would follow the advice of CMSgt Schubert and MAJ Oles and seek out mentorship from your Senior NCOs, and ask for their feedback. Good luck!

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2015 9:45 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 09:45:42 -0400

Same issue here, I have found that when I initially meet a group (your 1st PSG) explain it to them, basically state that you come off really blunt, that you recognize it, explain that you are not really being condescending and you would be greatful for them to call you out when you are doing it.

Typically that message sets the initial perceptions better and you can have a good laugh with your NCO's, it also emphasizes that you are looking for training in that aspect which is something good NCO's want in their LTs.

Response by Capt Brandon Charters made Jul 23 at 2015 10:54 AM

Capt Brandon Charters — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 10:54:21 -0400

Great question and I applaud you asking this to all of the experienced service members here. I would advise you to always think first about the other person and your audience before your own needs. Everyone comes from unique backgrounds and requires a slightly different approach in how you speak and interact with them. As a leader, it really helps to know your people. Your commanders and senior cadets will expect to be addressed in a specific fashion. That's the easy part. The hard part is all the other interactions you have and taking that extra second to think about how you want your message to come across. Be hungry for feedback and don't get your feelings hurt when the truth is told. Take advice and continue to improve over time. You're young and have a bright future. I would also look at treating everyone you meet with the utmost respect. From the Detachment janitor all the way up to your regional commanders. The more you get out there and take on leadership roles, the better. I truly wish you the very best in your military career!

Response by CPT Jack Durish made Jul 23 at 2015 12:45 PM

CPT Jack Durish — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 12:45:27 -0400

Now you ask! Why couldn't we have had this discussion before I pissed off every one around me and got thrown out of the Army? Sadly, it wasn't discussed during the year I spent at Infantry School: Not in BCT, AIT, nor Infantry OCS. All I heard was "mission orientation" and that's what drove me when I arrived in Vietnam. Chain of command? Fine so long as it didn't get in the way of the mission. Due respect? Another speed bump. Sure, the people with a mission loved to turn me loose on it, but my immediate superiors excoriated me on my Officer Efficiency Reports. After a three year tour of duty in Hawaii, I volunteered to return to Vietnam. When my orders didn't arrive I called DA to ask where they were. An incredulous officer there asked, "How do you expect to remain on active duty?" "Why?" I asked. "Your OERs qualify you to be RIFFd." The punch line to this story is that I was surprised. Of course, it didn't help that those who scored me so badly didn't even have the courtesy (or the balls) to let me see my OERs before they filed them. I discovered then that the medals that had been pinned on me by the "commanders with missions" didn't amount to much.

Response by SSG (ret) William Martin made Jul 23 at 2015 1:13 PM

SSG (ret) William Martin — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 13:13:44 -0400

Try saying everything with a smile and pretend you are speaking to a 70 year old grandmother of 20 grand children who loves to bake and spend time with her grand kids.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jul 23 at 2015 2:56 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 14:56:39 -0400

Are you a jerk?

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2015 4:41 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 16:41:29 -0400

Find someone to call you on it. Wingman, battle buddies etc.. many names for that friend that will give it to you straight. Higher ranking or lower it does not matter. Ask them to take you aside when you step over that line. The whole friend and enemy all rolled in to one. When they call you on it you start thinking about what you have said and how you could have said it better.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2015 5:38 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 17:38:17 -0400

Part of the issue, quite frankly, may be just the fact that you are a cadet. There are many out there who barely consider cadets worth their time. This can lead to situations where you feel a need to be more assertive then one would typically be for a given situation.

My suggestion, take a step back, watch and learn. In situations when you are given leadership over a task, be professional and competent.

Response by MAJ David Kline made Jul 23 at 2015 6:46 PM

MAJ David Kline — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 18:46:39 -0400

Cadet Meaux, that is a great question. Understanding this as a point you want/need to develop puts you at an advantage over your peers who don't.

Remember, to be a good leader you need to first be a good follower. That being said, use your ears more than your mouth. Not saying you need to keep quiet, but observe and listen, make mental notes, observe people's attitude and body language.

Practice your responses with someone whose opinion you trust.

Tact will come with time, experience, and maturity. Don't stress over it.

Response by 2LT Scott Armstrong made Jul 24 at 2015 12:50 AM

2LT Scott Armstrong — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 00:50:40 -0400

Start with recognizing that humans have two ears and one mouth. Using them in proportion will make you a more tactful communicator.

Response by LTC(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 24 at 2015 1:48 AM

LTC(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 01:48:03 -0400

I try to approach people the same way I would want to be approached. When the time comes and you have to be abrasive...your subordinates will realize it and appreciate the seriousness of your tone. This use of tact comes easy to me though, as if it is my nature. Maybe that is why I have been labeled a master of manipulation...LOL.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 24 at 2015 7:54 AM

LCDR Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 07:54:38 -0400

Mr. Meaux,
I'm something of a "prick" myself at times...most of us who elect to serve in the profession of arms are (at least by the standards of "civilized" society). Over time, I learned a few basic "rules" governing the behavior of not only a "warrior", but a gentleman.

1) Think about your actual place in the service. If your words don't bear the weight of experience, don't risk being recognized for opinions you haven't "earned".
2) Consider the impact, positive or negative on your unit, service and nation. If you "mouth off" and that reflects poorly on your soldiers, peers or country...then it pretty much invalidates whatever "truth" you may have stated.
3) Apply strategy. One of the first rules of martial arts is patience. When you shoot your mouth off without thinking, you're giving your opponent the upper hand.

Finally, remember that old chestnut, "Slow is smooth...smooth is fast". Shouting at subordinates only adds chaos, and that can lead to mistakes. Stay calm and your people will remain calm...if everyone stays calm, they act efficiently. When you go to the range, do you shoot from the hip...or take your time...slow you breathing...squeeze not pull, right?

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 12 at 2015 3:35 PM

LCDR Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 12 Aug 2015 15:35:30 -0400

This is a VERY interesting topic and one I am glad you posted.

Tact is something can be developed but if you don't have it to start with, it is probably a result of a lot of upbringing and socialization in your life. It won't change immediately. It is also something that is extremely important if you want to lead.

Surround yourself with people that have it (it should be apparent). And then try very hard (as you say you are already) to work on how you word things. Ask those around you how something sounds. Feedback and self-evaluation are critical.

The line between "direct and loud" and being tactful is as you already answered, urgency and combat situations. Even when I am direct I would like to think I do it with tact. Those who know you as a leader will know your normal style and understand when something is urgent. Typically yelling or berating (not saying you do this by the way) doesn't help get anything done more quickly.