How do I help my father-in-law?

SGT Russell Wickham — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 18:13:16 -0400

Thank you very much to all who have responded. You have given us much to consider and we are pursuing information on the local Alzheimer's association as well as many of the other tips you have mentioned. Again, thank you RallyPoint community for your advice, experience, and encouragement.

My father-in-law has Alzheimer's. He served in the Navy during the Vietnam era, and has VA medical care. He is also a violent person, and though he used to keep the violence in check, as he has degenerated mentally, he keeps it less and less in check. He's still together enough to fake out the VA doctors in phone interviews (thanks, COVID) and he will not give permission for anyone else to be involved in his care. The only way we know he was diagnosed is because he showed his paperwork to my kids when they moved into a place two houses down from us so we could be of more assistance. Anyhow, simply reminding him to take his medication or denying him permission to drive the car is enough to send him into a violent outrage. His wife and my wife are now both terrified of him. He isn't getting the care he needs. We've tried to contact the VA, but have run into a block wall of bureaucracy. I had help navigating it to get some care, a couple years ago after 5 years of sucking it up, and now I need help again to cut through the layers of government and regulations to get this man the help he needs and deserves.

Response by PO1 H Gene Lawrence made Aug 6 at 2020 6:35 PM

PO1 H Gene Lawrence — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 18:35:01 -0400

Please send a message to Col Mikel Burroughs. He has many contacts.

Response by LTC Greg Henning made Aug 6 at 2020 6:38 PM

LTC Greg Henning — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 18:38:27 -0400

Recommend contacting your local social services to explain the situation. They can direct you to how his drivers licence can be pulled. We had to do the same thing with my father when it became unsafe for him to drive. You are working outside the VA system which might help. Prayers to you and your family during these tough times.

Response by LT Brad McInnis made Aug 6 at 2020 7:26 PM

LT Brad McInnis — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 19:26:03 -0400

Local social services are a good first step. Also, writing a letter to your congressman can help. My friend (non0military) went through this, and they ended up getting a lawyer that specialized in these types of cases to push through the paperwork.

Response by LTC Eugene Chu made Aug 6 at 2020 7:32 PM

LTC Eugene Chu — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 19:32:33 -0400

You should also consider consulting with a lawyer. Sad to say, but family laws exist on books for guardianship or other drastic measures. If his behavior continues to worsen, your family may need to take legal action to ensure that he does not harm himself or others

Response by LTC Jason Mackay made Aug 6 at 2020 7:33 PM

LTC Jason Mackay — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 19:33:25 -0400

If he ends up in the ER due to this, talk to the Dr. Explain what you said here. They may bring in a social worker to work with you as they do with other elderly patients. They can step into many situations if the person can’t function or requires dedicated care giving. There maybe a less nuclear option than this, but went through it with wife’s grand patents. Physical and emotional lashing out is unfortunately common in Alzheimer’s patients. Her grand father was downright ornery on a day that ends in Y, then add on that he doesn’t remember his wife and it’s ugly. He was a WWII Sailor but VA didn’t get involved. He passed before they got to care facility mode.

Response by CSM Charles Hayden made Aug 6 at 2020 10:28 PM

CSM Charles Hayden — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 22:28:07 -0400

SCAN Medical Insurance accepted my late wife’s Medicare and paid for her to attend a day care facility.

Don’t rely on the Alzheimer’s meds. They provide some solace to the caregiver and help to keep the caregiver occupied!

Seek an Alzheimer’s Support Group, contact the local Alzheimer’s Association.

A bro-in-law’s wife is newly diagnosed with ALS. To his surprise, an ALS Support Group in San Diego is offering to provide a lot of support. SGT Russell Wickham

A patient afflicted with Alzheimer’s is ALWAYS RIGHT! If they have opinions or whatever - so what - they are always right! Appeasing them or distracting them is easier than changing their attitude. Few things really matter, it is easier to agree with them than to change their mind.

“IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER”, became a mantra for me.

Once my wife would not drink water or any other fluid, I gave up and ‘placed’ her in a care facility.

A PM with your email address would allow me to send you my ‘lessons learned’.

Response by Lt Col Charlie Brown made Aug 7 at 2020 5:35 AM

Lt Col Charlie Brown — Fri, 07 Aug 2020 05:35:32 -0400

Keep a diary and if you can also videotape him. The more proof you have the better.

Response by Capt Bill Mauer made Aug 7 at 2020 11:13 AM

Capt Bill Mauer — Fri, 07 Aug 2020 11:13:49 -0400

Contact your local DAV. They have VSOs that work with the VA directly and can shred the roadblocks.

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Aug 7 at 2020 12:10 PM

SGM Bill Frazer — Fri, 07 Aug 2020 12:10:39 -0400

Its going to be tough- talk to the local social service/law enforcement. Big problem is that you can't prove he is unable to handle his own affairs, he can do as he pleases.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Aug 7 at 2020 2:14 PM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Fri, 07 Aug 2020 14:14:53 -0400

Check out http://www.alz.org, Alzheimer's Association, and http://www.dementiasociety.org. They offer information and support groups that may help your family.

Your mother-in-law, probably with your support, needs to see the VA patient advocate at the nearest VA medical center. She should be able to make an appointment to talk with them personally. She will need to have information about her spouse including current symptoms and medications. Hopefully that advocate can help her get her husband set up for the needed care. If that doesn't work out, then she needs to contact local social services agency for assistance.

I am most troubled by your report of violence. This situation needs to be resolved quickly to keep it from becoming an incident that involves law enforcement. Some of the symptoms you describe indicate your father-in-law may be ready for in-home care or placement in a memory unit. We'll pray for you all.

Home

Alzheimer's Association national site – information on Alzheimer's disease and dementia symptoms, diagnosis, stages, treatment, care and support resources.

Response by CPT Barbara Smith made Aug 7 at 2020 5:54 PM

CPT Barbara Smith — Fri, 07 Aug 2020 17:54:23 -0400

I recommend contacting your local Alzheimer's Association. They have many resources. Also, has he been assessed by a neurologist or only by a primary care provider? The violence is common in the later stages. Sending prayers for your family. My mother passed away in 2012 with Alzheimer's-type dementia and as a nurse, I have cared for many patients with that diagnosis.