How do spouses manage being separated from their soldiers for long periods of time?

COL Mikel J. Burroughs — Sat, 14 May 2016 09:57:14 -0400

What are some helpful hints for spouses to manage their time when being separated from their soldiers, sailors, marines, airman, and coast guard members for long periods of time during a deployment?

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 14 at 2016 10:07 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 14 May 2016 10:07:19 -0400

Get involved don't sit and wait for your spouse's return, there are many programs for spouse's to get involved in eg military wives support groups. Seek employment with the Federal Civil Service, where you can communicate with other SM and dependent spouses, stay in the LOOP most of all don't let yourself be isolated.

Response by MSG Floyd Williams made May 14 at 2016 10:14 AM

MSG Floyd Williams — Sat, 14 May 2016 10:14:07 -0400

COL Burroughs ... It is important for military spouses to connect with Base Family Support Groups, and it can be a big plus if a family member or close friend can live with the military family temporarily until the husband or wife return from deployment.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made May 14 at 2016 10:26 AM

CAPT Kevin B. — Sat, 14 May 2016 10:26:32 -0400

OK, here's the nuts and bolts. You have a lot to do with your spouse doing well while you're gone. If you don't allow the spouse to be the ground commander back home, you've already half way in the dumpster. They're stronger than you think. My wife worked, made her own schedule up, dealt with the clogged toilet; whatever. When you get back, honor the ground commander by not trying to change everything to how you'd do it. Place looks OK and the bills are paid, life is good. You'll be surprised how many things are going well.

BTW, don't know how things are nowadays but back in the day spousal support was crap. My wife worked in a neonatal ICU and really could care less about the officer's wives group who'd chit chat about doilies. She wasn't going to make the drive up the coast to hang with them.

I think we were married 6 years when one of us said, we've been together half the time. Bottom line, if you can't trust and honor, you have a problem with the marriage and stuff going sideways is more a reflection of that vs. not being there.

Response by Sgt Ramon Nacanaynay made May 14 at 2016 10:40 AM

Sgt Ramon Nacanaynay — Sat, 14 May 2016 10:40:00 -0400

Contact your congress people. Tell them about whose feet are in those "boots on the ground".

Response by CPT Jack Durish made May 14 at 2016 11:31 AM

CPT Jack Durish — Sat, 14 May 2016 11:31:10 -0400

I couldn't say. Mine didn't...

Response by SPC Andrew Griffin made May 14 at 2016 11:41 AM

SPC Andrew Griffin — Sat, 14 May 2016 11:41:14 -0400

They stay FAITHFUL! Keep the Faith in God! And Invest more in their Children!

Response by Capt Mark Strobl made May 14 at 2016 12:37 PM

Capt Mark Strobl — Sat, 14 May 2016 12:37:41 -0400

COL Mikel J. Burroughs - Spouse: Toughest job in the military.

Response by CPT Joseph K Murdock made May 14 at 2016 2:54 PM

CPT Joseph K Murdock — Sat, 14 May 2016 14:54:43 -0400

The last thing we want is a spouse with children who speaks no English, has no car, and is not plugged into the military community and services.

Response by PO1 Kerry French made May 15 at 2016 12:21 AM

PO1 Kerry French — Sun, 15 May 2016 00:21:49 -0400

As a Chaplain's assistant, I saw the aftermath of not handling the separation well a LOT! My first piece of advice is STAY OUT OF THE BARS!!! Married people have really no business being there and men assume women are there for a hook up. Get a job, a hobby, a volunteer cause. Keep yourself busy and lose that weight that you've been meaning to. There are a ton of things to do rather than keeping Jody company.

Response by GySgt William Hardy made May 15 at 2016 2:06 PM

GySgt William Hardy — Sun, 15 May 2016 14:06:16 -0400

My biggest advice is to maximize the time you have when you are together. If the wife is not happy, she will find company when you are away. A solid marriage is at the core of the entire question. The second thing is that the wife must be made an very important part of everyday family life so when the guy leaves, she has a handle on everything and does not panic.

Response by SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth made May 15 at 2016 5:51 PM

SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth — Sun, 15 May 2016 17:51:10 -0400

Join a family support group that is made up of other wives who's husbands are in the same unit.

Response by SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth made May 15 at 2016 5:55 PM

SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth — Sun, 15 May 2016 17:55:23 -0400

Some generally join support groups. Mine did when I was at annual training each year. Her and the other wives had bake sales, and had general fun together.

Response by GySgt Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2016 6:23 PM

GySgt Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 15 May 2016 18:23:40 -0400

Care for the kids, work, and stay away from Jody or Suzy

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2016 7:40 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 15 May 2016 19:40:55 -0400

My wife tells everyone that she just has to stay busy. Although she has always taken care of the kids, worked, etc. during my deployments, she went further than that and completely remodeled a house on my last deployment. That included sheet rock, flooring, painting,etc! She said that she stayed so busy that she was able to focus on other things, rather than just constantly worry about me.

She also says that she avoids the news networks!

Next month will be our 13 year anniversary, and she has been a champion through 3 deployments. My family wouldn't be what it is today without my wife.

Response by SFC Craig Dalen made May 16 at 2016 2:13 PM

SFC Craig Dalen — Mon, 16 May 2016 14:13:49 -0400

My wife would recommend that they stay busy. Find a hobby or take the kids to the park, something like that. When they just sit and wait for their spouse to return they grow impatient and resentful.

Response by CW3(P) Private RallyPoint Member made May 16 at 2016 9:41 PM

CW3(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 16 May 2016 21:41:09 -0400

Stay busy. I guess dont park under the tv and if you have kids you stay busy by keeping them busy. Reach out to similar people so tou can help each other thru this. Thats my guess

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made May 17 at 2016 10:27 AM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 17 May 2016 10:27:19 -0400

I know this sounds kind of cliché, but the book The Five Love Languages (the Military Version) has a lot of good tips and tricks to keeping you and your spouse feeling loved and appreciated while you are separated, and if you are together and struggling because of things like PTSD.

Response by SPC Missy Lee made May 18 at 2016 2:44 AM

SPC Missy Lee — Wed, 18 May 2016 02:44:46 -0400

1) Stay busy. Going back to school, trying to get a job, work on a project, volunteer at kids school... etc. When you are busy, time tend to fly by quickly. Next thing you know, your spouse is home! 2) Use your support network. Family Readiness Group often provide social gatherings and information exchange. You can get together with other spouses to take turns watching kids for "Girls Night Out". Plan a shopping trip is fun too. 3) Stay connected. It's much easier to stay in touch now with email, Skype, messengers. (I used to send my deployed husband a family newsletter via snail mail!) 4) Don't gossip/Speculate. Contact your unit's rear detachment staff for information, not FB or news. 5) If things get too hard, talk to someone. Chaplain, ACS, mental health staff... resources are out there. Don't try to cope with it alone.

Holding the fort alone is tough. My husband was deployed and I was alone with my son (then 10 years old) in Germany, 1000s of miles from home. But I fondly recall my memories with my son, whom I called my "battle buddy". We made the best of the situations by experiencing Europe together.

Response by LCpl Cody Collins made May 19 at 2016 9:15 AM

LCpl Cody Collins — Thu, 19 May 2016 09:15:24 -0400

I was one of the unfortunate one's who's marriage was blindsided inadvertently by my own mother. When my Squadron left for the middle east, unbeknownst to me my ex-girlfriend from St.Louis was writing love letters to me, but was sending them to my home address in St. Louis. My mom bundled them up and sent them to my office base apartment address outside Cherry Point N.C. my mom didn't know I had left for Lybia. No cell phones back then or wi-fi or Internet. Well my wife got the package from my mother, and opened the package and seen all these letters from Kim with little hearts drawn all over the envelope ! When we hit Rotary Spain, I reviewed a letter from my wife the contents of which I still remember to this day. Needless to say, when we returned 6 months later, she was nowhere to be found, bank account was empty.
And she was pregnant, I also found evidence that she had went to Florida for a week. I didn't know anyone in Fla. Later we divorced and then my friends told me the whole story of what went on while I was gone. So thanks mom !
Anyway, tell your parents not to ship any mail to you from any old flames and friends. And clear the air with your spouse long before you depart from base. Have a solid marital foundation established, it may seem like a long time, but it won't last forever.

Response by TSgt George Rodriguez made Apr 21 at 2022 11:05 PM

TSgt George Rodriguez — Thu, 21 Apr 2022 23:05:20 -0400

My first wife when I went TDY for 30 days took on a lover while we lived on base. I divorced her and kept custody of a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Thank goodness for one of my fellow NCO's wife that took care of my children while I was on duty at the hospital. I met my present wife who was also in the Air Force. She gave up her career as she knew I needed her more then the Air Force. We have been married for 49 years. I was sent to Thailand for a year and we moved her and my children all 3 of them at the time to her parents folks in Oklahoma. I returned from Thailand after a year and was stationed at Tinker AFB, Oklahoma where I retired in 86. Were still going strong as we parented 4 children, 2 from my 1st marriage and 2 between us. We have 9 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren. Her being ex-military she understood when I went to Thailand as it was my duty. It took me 2 tries but I found my soul mate in her. I thank God for bringing her into my life.