How Do You Balance Parenting With The Responsibilities Of Being a Service Member?: Part 1

COL Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 12:48:05 -0500

If I could go back and do it again for my two eldest, what would I have done differently and how am I doing things differently for the younger two? There are several things…

Being an Army parent (and I suspect any other Service parent) means answering to a difficult master. Generally, so much is demanded of the parent in Service that the other parent (or another relative) becomes the “primary” caregiver. My own father was a single Service parent of three after my mother passed away from cancer. Experiencing my father’s struggle through the uncharted waters of parenting as a Service member, I thought I had a slightly upper hand when we decided to have children. I researched the regulations and the services provided to parents. I even worked with others who had failed in these responsibilities, but I still wasn’t fully prepared. Based on learning from my own personal issues raising my first two children, here are some things I’m doing differently with my younger two:

I spend more INTERACTIVE time with them: Kids want your time - not your money, not your gifts, not your constant scolding or correcting. It doesn’t need to be a $1000 trip to a theme park. It can be a $0 walk around the block or 20 minutes on the playground when you pick them up before homework and next day prep takes over. I try to make special time for each child independently, and encourage my husband to do the same.

I listen to them: I make a point to engage in honest face-to-face listening after bringing them home from daycare. This gives me the chance to really listen to each child and how things went that day while I’m not distracted driving or doing other things. With the older two I am learning to communicate better by text, but trying to make them verbally speak to me or Skype me regularly.

I put them first now: Sometimes it is just not possible to be at every event. For example, I missed my first daughter’s prom, but I arranged someone to do her hair and makeup and a good friend to be there for her. Sometimes in units stuff happens. The unplanned inspection comes down, or the commander gets ticked and does mass punishment. Use your leave. Don’t save it for a rainy day that may never come. Take the long view—the military is at most a 20 to 30-year commitment, but your children are a lifetime commitment. Make sure you have a good relationship with them BEFORE they leave your house.

I teach them what appropriate affection looks and feels like: Tell them you love them every day and hug them every chance you get. Even when “correcting” or “disciplining” make sure it is coming from love and not from anger, and be consistent. After a time-out, I have my child explain what it was that went wrong and then I tell them I love them, hug them, and forgive them. This was not easy at first! The very first timeout session was almost two hours long (watch Nanny 911 for the technique). Now I barely have to put either of the two little ones in timeout!

Remember, your children will pattern relationships based on the type of affection they get from you! What personal changes have you made to be involved in your children’s lives? What were the more difficult adjustments?

(Part 2: https://www.rallypoint.com/command-post/how-do-you-balance-parenting-with-the-responsibilities-of-being-a-service-member-part-2)

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 1 at 2014 1:00 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 13:00:21 -0500

I just try my best to spend as much time with my kids as possible.
Getting deployed within 2 months of each child being born didn't help but my wife handled things wonderfully when I was gone.

Response by Cpl Victor B Johnson made Dec 1 at 2014 1:09 PM

Cpl Victor B Johnson — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 13:09:49 -0500

This reminds me of my childhood. We were fortunate to have cousins stationed not too far from us during a PCS to Germany. That really made holidays and summer vacation worthwhile and easier for our parents to manage. Especially when it came to childcare. I guess that's why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. We almost always had a big dinner with plenty of family and friends at the table.

Response by CW5 Sam R. Baker made Dec 1 at 2014 1:47 PM

CW5 Sam R. Baker — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 13:47:45 -0500

It is an intricate balance, especially after 27 years, you definitely learn from experience. I have always tried to take the good and leave the bad with what my father and mother gave me. With that, I am not retired because my family fully supports my continued service, so even with four deployments and multiple TDY and field exercises that take me away, they understand the service.

TIME: The most important unrecoverable thing we can give our children and our Soldiers. It is more important than anything material in nature. Being able to listen and turn of the phone and leave all things aside to give them time is most important.

HONOR and INTEGRITY: These are important to our family, especially the kids. When you make a promise, keeping it is everything. I have been in a relationship where the mother did not ever keep a promise, no matter how small in nature, try to keep it and if you don't, you must communicate prior to the promise date to let them know. Of course your Soldiers, Officers and co-workers also apply with the same scenario.

COMMUNICATION: Is key to retaining HONOR and INTEGRITY with everyone, family, friends and co-workers.

TURN IT OFF: The smart phone is the devil when folks place it above their family and time with kids. I do not jump at a work text or friend text. I get to it when I want to look at the phone. If someone wants me, they CALL me, not Facebook me, Instagram me or text me.

TAKE/MAKE TIME: Having missed a high school graduation and other events due to physical separation, it is imperative to always when home, make as many and possibly all events of recognition with your family. Same applies to achievements of those at work or changes of command. Thing is, I, if not actually held down to a appointment that my commander deems 100% necessary, will close the door and leave to go do things with the family, i.e. make the 5 o'clock discounted movie on a Tuesday for instance.

RESPECT and COURTESY: Teaching my kids how to open doors for others, say thank you, sir and ma'am, putting the dinner dishes in the sink and giving them the tools to be socially respected is as important. Same can be said for service members in the same balance. Making sure that they are personable face to face and not off in total digital land is huge these days. Making sure they know how to treat others as they wish to be treated has gone a long way.

To this I could go on and on about how I have changed to make sure that dad and "Chief" make events. There are two on my calendar that even if I am deployed I will make a request for, that would be ARMY/NAVY 2015, as it is my daughters "Firstie" year at USNA and then her graduation from the USNA in May of 2016. Those are in stone unless I am otherwise not with us all then.

Frankly, it all comes down to time, managing it and taking it with them. That being said, everyone must remember to get some "ME" time, but not to much "Me, myself and I" time.

My .02

Response by CPT Aaron Kletzing made Dec 1 at 2014 5:38 PM

CPT Aaron Kletzing — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 17:38:16 -0500

COL Private RallyPoint Member -- this is beautifully written, if you don't mind me saying. Wonderful thoughts and advice that you shared with all of us. I do not yet have kids, but reading your piece here made me pause and think about what kind of dad I want to be when/if that time comes. Your piece here also helped me better understand the parental demands facing people I know who do have children.

I most appreciated this statement you made: "Tell them you love them every day and hug them every chance you get. Even when “correcting” or “disciplining” make sure it is coming from love and not from anger..."

Thanks again, COL Private RallyPoint Member!

Response by CPT Aaron Kletzing made Dec 1 at 2014 5:40 PM

CPT Aaron Kletzing — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 17:40:52 -0500

"...the military is at most a 20 to 30-year commitment, but your children are a lifetime commitment." Amen.

This piece you shared with us is full of golden truths of life. Thanks, COL Private RallyPoint Member.

Response by Capt Richard I P. made Dec 1 at 2014 7:23 PM

Capt Richard I P. — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 19:23:21 -0500

COL Private RallyPoint Member Ma'am, great article. A topic that has been big on my mind lately. The other comments have captured it well. I'll have to look at that episode of nanny 911.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 1 at 2014 8:47 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 20:47:39 -0500

I truly appreciate the original and many follow-on posts about this topic. My husband and I are dual military - thinking about having children produces both joy and fear in my heart. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Response by SPC(P) Jay Heenan made Dec 1 at 2014 10:53 PM

SPC(P) Jay Heenan — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 22:53:32 -0500

Great topic and post ma'am! I try to give my family my all when I am not on duty. Army life is hard on family, I always thought that the Army should give out awards to wives and children. The Army calls the NCO corps the 'backbone of the Army', I think it is our families that is, in fact, the backbone of the Army.

Response by MSG Brad Sand made Dec 1 at 2014 11:26 PM

MSG Brad Sand — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 23:26:10 -0500

Well, in truth, I balanced the two by retiring as soon as I could. It was the least I could do.

Response by SFC Dr. Joseph Finck, BS, MA, DSS made Dec 2 at 2014 7:49 AM

SFC Dr. Joseph Finck, BS, MA, DSS — Tue, 02 Dec 2014 07:49:25 -0500

COL Private RallyPoint Member Ma'am, Great question. As I was preparing for deployment to Iraq, I was a single parent. My son, who was a young teen at the time, was challenged by my imminent departure. I had the full support of the Commander, and so I involved my son in as much of the preparatory activities as I could. In this way he was involved in the process of transition. Honestly, he was a trooper through all of it, and my family care plan worked flawlessly. It was very stressful watching my son grieve over my departure and the potential consequences. However, through the grief my son always reminded me how proud he was of me.

For my second deployment my son was older. He saw the long hours I worked as the 1SG for a deploying unit and was still worried, but had a better understanding. That sense of pride remained which was then and is now a source of positive memory for me.

From my experience leaving children behind to deploy is one of the hardest things we do as Service Members.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 2 at 2014 8:56 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 02 Dec 2014 20:56:40 -0500

Truly, the hardest thing I've ever had to do is balance my career, the reserves and being a parent. My husband is active duty still so that makes it twice as hard. But, I devote as much time as possible to my kids when I am home. I try to teach them that hard work pays off.

Response by LTC John Shaw made Apr 19 at 2015 7:15 PM

LTC John Shaw — Sun, 19 Apr 2015 19:15:29 -0400

Amen to all your comments with one caveat. There are times when work/life balance simply does not exist, no matter how well you plan. If you find yourself in this situation, PLEASE ask for help. When in pre-mob or on a deployment or getting crushed by the endless needs of a Command. Know the all work is temporary and communicate with spouse, family, hired help, church volunteers. This crunch time will pass and you can get back to some balance of life.

I have four kids, as a Reservist of 28 years, I have missed countless events due to deployments, command requirements, etc. I have had to make choices, best for my family, but not always optimal for my career and know that it is OK. It is life and your children need quality and quantity of time. They remember the relaxed times with you and your CHARACTER when and how you interact with others. It is so much more important than the vacation at Disney or wherever, you want for them.

I am so happy to see COL Private RallyPoint Member post these remarks, many senior officers I know don't make family a priority, just their career progression. Great job and family is possible.

Response by PO1 John Miller made Apr 19 at 2015 10:47 PM

PO1 John Miller — Sun, 19 Apr 2015 22:47:31 -0400

COL Private RallyPoint Member , well written piece Ma'am. My experience as a military parent were a bit different from your own.

My daughter was born 5 months before I retired from the Navy. That was a conscious decision on my and my wife's part. I had seen too many times the effect of military life had on children, them not knowing their parent, etc., etc., etc.

My wife and I just decided that we didn't want to put our own child through PCS moves, deployments, duty days, them not understanding why Daddy can't be with them on birthdays, Christmases, missing out on other moments like first day of school, missing proms (to borrow your example. Please understand I mean absolutely no disrespect), and innumerable other things that military parents can and have missed out on. In other words, I wanted to be there for my daughter.

All in all, I'm glad we made this decision as I can now give my daughter all the attention she needs from her Daddy. I do slightly regret the fact that I'm a 41 year old father of a 3 year old (most people my age have children in high school for crying out loud). I also regret that I was deployed when my daughter was born, so I did miss out on that.

Response by CPO Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 20 at 2015 10:40 AM

CPO Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 20 Nov 2015 10:40:46 -0500

I have discovered that I have indirectly built a mechanism within myself overtime, I know what's expected of me while in the uniform, and home and school. It comes now natural to the extent where I am constantly shifting roles... and it makes me stronger and more focused... like they say where would I need without my kids... at this point I need them as much as they need me... I love it and at times its difficult but it directly made me focus on what's important...

Response by PO2 Jonathan Scharff made Nov 20 at 2015 10:07 PM

PO2 Jonathan Scharff — Fri, 20 Nov 2015 22:07:12 -0500

COL Private RallyPoint Member as others have said you pretty much hit the nail on the head. I did most of these and can proudly say my three grown sons have all turned out to be respectful professional men. They make me proud and every day I tell them that I love them and still give them a hug every time I see them! Good luck with yours, I'm sure your gonna do great!

Response by CPT(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 1 at 2015 8:44 PM

CPT(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 01 Dec 2015 20:44:10 -0500

Ma'm, I am currently in ABOLC and as the course load picks up in finding less and less time to spend with my wife and daughter. I'm exhausted by the time I get home and my daughter is in bed half the time. It's bothering me that I cannot find the time to be with my daughter. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this?

Response by SSG Edward Tilton made Jul 6 at 2021 8:23 PM

SSG Edward Tilton — Tue, 06 Jul 2021 20:23:14 -0400

You are a SOLDIER (sailor, marine, airman) that is your duty, even if it costs your life. Your spouse has to be able to pick up the pieces in case you don’t come back. You have to trust that they will