How do you deal with managing your own anger?

CPL(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 01:26:54 -0500

How many of you have lost your anger in front of fellow soldiers? How do you handle it when you explode right in front of them even though it is not directed at them when they had nothing to do with it? I let my anger get the best of me in front of my peers.

Response by Maj Kim Patterson made Nov 17 at 2020 1:29 AM

Maj Kim Patterson — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 01:29:31 -0500

CPL(P) Private RallyPoint Member Lesson learned. It’s time to check your mental well being. We must take care of ourselves if we planning on being of use to others.

Response by SSG Laurie Mullen made Nov 17 at 2020 5:45 AM

SSG Laurie Mullen — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 05:45:57 -0500

I refuse to loose my temper in front of anyone. I saw my mother do that often enough and all it does is make you look like a jack ass. I'll go behind a closed door and punch a pillow or something or vent to a friend who doesn't mind me cussing and fussing. I don't think I have ever lost my temper in front of my soldiers.

Response by SSgt Richard Kensinger made Nov 17 at 2020 10:01 AM

SSgt Richard Kensinger — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 10:01:05 -0500

I have a published article about anger as it relates to combat trauma. We refer to displacing anger onto others who are really not the index targets. Some degree of anger is necessary for survival.
Rich

Response by LT Brad McInnis made Nov 17 at 2020 11:08 AM

LT Brad McInnis — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 11:08:44 -0500

1) You are human. Means you make mistakes and can learn from them. The fact you are asking a question means you can and will learn from this...
2) I was very similar. I would blow my top as a young Junior Officer, until a wise senior enlisted took me aside and explained how my attitude affects the sailors. Since I cared about my sailors, I realized I had to do something so they weren't scared to come into work.
3) I learned 2 coping mechanisms. Before heading into a stressful situation, or something that would trigger your anger, do a couple of deep breaths. When you are breathing deep make sure you are filling the bottom of your lungs (let your belly expand). The second was when you feel your anger rearing its ugly little head, just take everything slow. When you slow things down and consciously think about everything, you will un-cock the trigger.

Response by LT Christopher Miller made Nov 17 at 2020 11:38 AM

LT Christopher Miller — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 11:38:30 -0500

I can't think of one time in my career where I exploded in front of my Sailors. I can say that I have blown up behind closed doors and vented to my fellow officers, especially when I did not understand or disagree with policies. I will say that I still think about situations where I should have reacted, but I didn't. On my first day as a commissioned officer on a Navy ship, I was called a "faggot" by a department head. I didn't do anything. I wish I had stood up for myself.

Response by Cpl Mark A. Morris made Nov 17 at 2020 11:41 AM

Cpl Mark A. Morris — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 11:41:34 -0500

It does happen. We are not perfect. But, we can always do better and it takes a real man to admit he made a mistake.
I have not always done so, but I say my prayers to G-d the Father in Christ's name and I am able to stay calm almost 100% of the time.
Mark

Response by CWO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 17 at 2020 12:24 PM

CWO3 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 12:24:09 -0500

Less and less with age, but I'm guilty. Toxic leadership is not good. It causes a loss of confidence and cooperation. Bearing is very important, and harsh words are reserved for worst cases. Praise in public, counsel in private. Remove any barriers or distractions in personal life, and remember that someone is always watching you. Set the example you would follow. Anger management can be tricky. Consider consulting with a role model or mentor.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 17 at 2020 12:33 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 12:33:44 -0500

Too easy a fix. Step one, apologize to your Soldiers and/or peers for losing your shit. Step two, go seek Behavioral Health for assistance in Anger Management. I also will play violent video games. Oddly, that helps me better vent my anger. Pumping weights works for some.

Response by SP5 J C made Nov 17 at 2020 2:49 PM

SP5 J C — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 14:49:36 -0500

Offer a heartfelt apology and administer first aid/rescue breathing as necessary

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 17 at 2020 4:02 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 16:02:59 -0500

I quit smoking, except on drill weekends, AT or deployment. If you see me smoking, it's a good bet that I'm angry.

Response by SSG Steven Chirco made Nov 17 at 2020 4:56 PM

SSG Steven Chirco — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 16:56:16 -0500

Own up to it. If it’s that bad explain to your subordinates that the anger was not directed at them. And if with peers, I’m pretty sure, they’d understand. People get angry at times in the military.!hence the term, “suck it up buttercup!”

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Nov 17 at 2020 7:00 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 19:00:05 -0500

I block the assholes.

Response by LtCol Robert Quinter made Nov 18 at 2020 7:52 AM

LtCol Robert Quinter — Wed, 18 Nov 2020 07:52:54 -0500

We referred to the ability to control anger, and other emotions, as presence. You must decide what image you want to project, then have the self awareness and discipline to react to situations in accordance with that image. The one piece of advice I have given to my children is that the winner is always the person who keeps his head when those around him are losing theirs.
In the meantime, as you develop the ability, apologize to those who observed your lose of control, but don't go to far back in time or to much into the situation. An immediate "Sorry I lost control" is sufficient.

Response by MSgt Mark Bucher made Nov 18 at 2020 9:02 PM

MSgt Mark Bucher — Wed, 18 Nov 2020 21:02:40 -0500

Never lose your cool in front of your subordinates. I’d bite my tongue, walk out of the room or area, and vent alone or with other sr NVOs, never in front of them. They all knew, me yelling or swearing at them was nothing. In my office, when I got quiet, that’s when they knew the shit was going to fly. Always behind closed doors or away from all others

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 19 at 2020 8:08 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 19 Nov 2020 08:08:57 -0500

Does it happen often? Was this a one time deal? Have you talked to behavioral health? Have you talked to your units assigned chaplain?

If it is a one time thing don't worry apologize to your guys tell them you have a lot going on its not their fault and press on with pride. Everyone has a bad day and a breaking point.

If it is an ongoing issue see one of the guys above.

If it is ongoing and you are afraid it will hurt your career to talk to to some one think of how much it will be hurt if you don't (or your family) see someone off post if you need to but deal with problems like this head on.

Response by PO3 Mike McGlynn made Nov 19 at 2020 9:57 AM

PO3 Mike McGlynn — Thu, 19 Nov 2020 09:57:17 -0500

Well a 6 pack is much cheaper than a therapist ;)

Response by MSG Randall Rankin made Nov 20 at 2020 7:35 AM

MSG Randall Rankin — Fri, 20 Nov 2020 07:35:11 -0500

#1 get counseling, #2 find a hobby that you can immerse yourself in, #3 When the pressure starts building take a walk (or run)...

Response by SPC Robert Hendrickson made Feb 14 at 2021 9:18 PM

SPC Robert Hendrickson — Sun, 14 Feb 2021 21:18:39 -0500

i had to have go on a get gone before something happens to him/her or me ..count to ten and pull them to the side and blow up to them in a cordial manner

Response by 1SG Steven Imerman made Feb 14 at 2021 10:11 PM

1SG Steven Imerman — Sun, 14 Feb 2021 22:11:21 -0500

Anger for the sake of anger is a waste. Anger can be a very useful tool. I had inklings of this, and then at E-6 I became a drill sergeant and saw older, more experienced NCOs "flaming" on troops, and getting results (in some cases they scared ME), then walking around the corner, grinning ear to ear, and cracking a joke. Learn to use anger as a tool to get the results you want. In the military, at least in the Army in combat arms, there are just plain times and places where rap sessions, empathy groups, and singing Kum-Ba-Yah don't cut it. Learn to make anger one more tool in your leadership toolbox, nothing more and nothing less.

Response by SGT Lorenzo Nieto made Feb 15 at 2021 6:43 AM

SGT Lorenzo Nieto — Mon, 15 Feb 2021 06:43:37 -0500

I’m a lot older then you served back in 1968 my temper went from 0 to 500 in a heart beat it happen in meetings with coworkers my road rage was off the charts I tried everything nothing worked it seemed I asked god for help even told my self before I left my house I am not going to lose it today I retired in 2010 from the state of Michigan I tried the va the guy I talked to did help however I came up with my own self help method I go to church meet new people I also build model wood ships from blue prints it puts me in my own zone you need to find an outlet something that works for you just keep looking you will find it I also recommend you take to some your wife,chaplain social work at the va your not nuts you need to talk thi is you first step hats off to you brother.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 15 at 2021 8:49 AM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 15 Feb 2021 08:49:58 -0500

Apologize. And I don't mean just say "Sorry for losing my cool". Genuinely apologize. When done in a genuine manner the underlying trigger loses force. It won't happen with just one apology so be patient. An adage in my life is to be slow to anger and quick to apologize.

Realize that your mind does have a pause button. I use a mental image of me hitting pause on a VHS/DVD/BluRay player and seeing my "anger" stop in that between frames mode - all jittery and in transition. Take a deep breath, then hit resume with the mental mindset of business, not emotion.

As was said in the movie Hook with Robin Williams - find your Happy Thought. With that, find your silly thought, your peaceful thought, your serene thought and keep them on the main shelf in your mind where you can grab them when you hit pause. This mental exercise needs to be done just like your daily physical exercise is done.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Feb 15 at 2021 9:26 AM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Mon, 15 Feb 2021 09:26:17 -0500

Pray. I pray each day for patients, strength, and courage. Sometimes several times a day. It works.

Lots of other things you might do in this string. All good. Combine with prayer.