How do you deal with the loss of a loved one while deployed and can't go home?

2015-06-09T14:21:00-04:00

Response by SFC Stephen King made Jun 9 at 2015 2:29 PM

2015-06-09T14:29:47-04:00

Sorry for your loss. Try to remember the good times you had with your loved one. In all fairness it will vary with each individual. Look for someone to talk to. I used a form of recuperation by remembering the good times I had with my person I lost.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 9 at 2015 2:35 PM

2015-06-09T14:35:32-04:00

I had a Soldier once when we were deployed to Afghanistan got the happy news his wife was in labor. We expedited his paperwork and got him moving on e-leave. As I was preparing his paperwork, I noticed the concerned look on SSG G's face. I asked him and he said, "she is only 6 months along". Uh, oh.
We got him down to the ADAG waiting for his flight.
Then a second Red Cross message came down. His wife had died during an emergency C-section. The baby was in trouble. I found the Chaplain and went with as the news was delivered mere moments before boarding a flight. No doubt, it must have been a harrowing 24 hours in the air, in the dark, not knowing all the way to Texas.

He had two weeks to make arrangements to settle his wife's affairs, plan and hold a funeral, fix a family care plan he didn't know he needed, and tend to his premature daughter hanging on in the NICU.
Realizing he needed more time, he requested an extension. It was denied. He had to return to Bagram and request a release from theater.
This was eventually granted, but you can imagine the rage. He was alternately dispondant and furious.
Eventually, he was released early and went home to tend to his family. His little girl pulled through, but had real issues that she will always have to deal with.

I lost track of him and never heard what became of the situation, but I think of him often.

Response by COL Jean (John) F. B. made Jun 9 at 2015 2:37 PM

2015-06-09T14:37:30-04:00

First, I am sorry for your loss.

I would recommend that you try to reach out to family by phone, if possible.

Share your grief with your friends and allow them to console you. Don't try to tough it out alone. I am sure you are with people who care for you and can offer support during your time of grief.

Response by CPT Ahmed Faried made Jun 9 at 2015 2:46 PM

2015-06-09T14:46:50-04:00

It is very rare that you would be unable to go home in the event of a bereavement. You need to look past your immediate chain of command if that is the issue.

Response by CSM Michael J. Uhlig made Jun 9 at 2015 4:11 PM

2015-06-09T16:11:55-04:00

Our Chaplain Corps is trained in bereavement counseling, SSG VNicia Young, I suggest you (or whomever is going through this crisis) find a Chaplain that you trust and talk with them.

Response by SSG Thomas Brousseau made Jun 9 at 2015 4:44 PM

2015-06-09T16:44:26-04:00

The thaught of that happening to a Soldier that is deployed is absolutely heart wrenching. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I have had Soldiers while deployed in Bosnia and in Iraq that had terrible personal problems on the home front. As a leader in the United States Military while deployed it your primary task to achieve mission success. If you have a subordinate that has significant issues on the home front it is your duty to take the extra time and go the extra mile for that Soldier
If that means something as simple as showing compassion and being that person that is willing to listen and give good advice even if it takes all night every night for a week. YOU MUST BE THERE FOR YOUR SOLDIERS IN THEIR TIME OF NEED, no matter what it takes. This is not only an act of compassion, while deployed it is a life or death necessity. It is your absolute responsibility to ensure that their head is in the game and on a swivel when your team goes outside of the wire.

Response by PO1 Jason Taylor made Jun 9 at 2015 4:51 PM

2015-06-09T16:51:16-04:00

It has happened to me, and it is no good in any way. Family sometimes don't understand why you can't be there!

Response by SSG Thomas Brousseau made Jun 9 at 2015 5:41 PM

2015-06-09T17:41:12-04:00

This is a tremendous example of the hardships and sacrifices that our military endures for our country.

Response by PO3 Sherry Thornburg made Jun 9 at 2015 7:54 PM

2015-06-09T19:54:02-04:00

I think being deployed in such situations can prolong the grief. My husband took a long time to get over his mother's death or more correctly he guilt for not being there for her. He was in Afghanistan. He called the day she died. It was the best he could do.

Response by SGT Joel Sams made Jun 11 at 2015 6:51 PM

2015-06-11T18:51:53-04:00

You have to have faith, and be able to encourage yourself. Even in pain and despair, God is with you. You just have to ask him for peace and comfort. :)

Response by LTC David Brown made Nov 2 at 2021 2:49 AM

2021-11-02T02:49:59-04:00

It is tough. My mother lived with my family before she died. My daughter and her were great friends. My mom was ill and passed away just before I was deployed to desert shield /desert storm. I exercised and did wood working at a craft shop on post. The grief would hit me at odd times. Over time it abated. It was doubly difficult because I wasn’t there for my daughter.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Nov 2 at 2021 1:27 PM

2021-11-02T13:27:45-04:00

Who can't come home?

Response by SPC Terry Page made Nov 2 at 2021 1:37 PM

2021-11-02T13:37:01-04:00

I experienced it with my Grandmother while in Germany. For me, I think it made my memory of her even more cherished.

Response by PO3 P Q made May 4 at 2023 1:27 PM

2023-05-04T13:27:18-04:00

I was unable to head home for my great grandmothers funeral but i was still in boot camp towards the end in a rush division (less time to complete all necessary requirements due multiple holidays not that we got the holidays off just wasn’t enough manpower to run certain activities like battle stations practice ect.) but the reason i was actually unable to go is because great grandparents are not immediate family members if it would have been grandmother i would have had the option to go but my chief called me in to fish bowl where a chaplain was standing who informed me of her passing the time a day she passed and that i would be aloud one phone call to check in with family and my chief told me to step to back of the office yell cry whatever i had to do and take my time get myself together then return to the current training exercise ya it sucked and the one thing i was surprised about was the fact that my chief for the entire 4 months was the saltiest hard ass mfer beat us nightly with ITE actually cared enough even said that it was fucked up that i didn't have the option to roll back in to another division and be allowed to attend the funeral but boot camp rules are different then navy rules and there was nothing he could do but that was the one and only night we didnt get ITE even got to hit the racks earlier everybody else were wondering what the fuck was going on more worried about the fact that we weren’t getting destroyed and kept up as long as possible that they didn't even notice anything wrong with me