How do you handle snakes? The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

SGT Richard H. — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 15:34:31 -0400

Thought I'd share this one just for fun....
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.

Response by LTC Bink Romanick made Jun 1 at 2015 3:47 PM

LTC Bink Romanick — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 15:47:46 -0400

I used to jump off the tank, bite their heads off and get back on the tank.

Response by SPC Chad Kolod made Jun 1 at 2015 3:51 PM

SPC Chad Kolod — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 15:51:14 -0400

That's pretty great!

Response by SPC Charles Brown made Jun 1 at 2015 3:52 PM

SPC Charles Brown — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 15:52:04 -0400

As a former quartermaster I would give the requesting individual a mouse trap complete with mouse to catch snake. My duties meant I had to stay in front of the needs of my buddies.

Response by CW4 Larry Curtis made Jun 1 at 2015 3:52 PM

CW4 Larry Curtis — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 15:52:30 -0400

There are several ways I can think of to handle snakes...unfortunately most of them could be quite detrimental to others who happen to be in the vicinity. My favorite would be to frag them...

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 1 at 2015 3:59 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 15:59:43 -0400

I was a play with it kind of guy when i tired of it . It became dinner . I had one as a pet for a time at Ft. Bragg it was a 9 ft boa . Had to give it away when I had a pcs .

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 1 at 2015 4:03 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 16:03:46 -0400

I would like to argue #8. The Combat Engineer will throw sticks of C-4 and blow the snake to bits, then go have some beers. Or use a MICLIC......whichever is handier.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jun 1 at 2015 4:04 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 16:04:10 -0400

Budget pays the locals to kill the snake within the prevue of the snake killing reward program.

Response by SrA Edward Vong made Jun 1 at 2015 4:14 PM

SrA Edward Vong — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 16:14:22 -0400

Throw snakes into a jet's intake.

Response by A1C Charles D Wilson made Jun 1 at 2015 4:14 PM

A1C Charles D Wilson — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 16:14:33 -0400

Funny lol This should be set up for pay per view.

Response by PO2 Steven Erickson made Jun 1 at 2015 4:15 PM

PO2 Steven Erickson — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 16:15:47 -0400

IF the National Command Authority classifies the snake as a Clear and Present Danger to the national security, then #10 is absolutely correct:

"10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection."

If the snake is NOT a clear and present danger, the Mess Management Specialists (they're called "Culinary Specialists" now... snicker snicker snicker) will capture the snake, remove its head, pour its blood into the Bug Juice dispenser, slice up the rest, deep fry them at 1,300 degrees for 50 days, then serve as "Calamari" for MIDRATS...

Response by SSG Paul Forel made Jun 1 at 2015 4:21 PM

SSG Paul Forel — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 16:21:13 -0400

I 'handle' snakes (AH-1G's) by bringing them booze for laying down fire while we were pulling a hot hoist.

Response by SPC Joshua H. made Jun 1 at 2015 4:28 PM

SPC Joshua H. — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 16:28:52 -0400

Well, as Armor...have to admit, they got that one right.

Response by Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS made Jun 1 at 2015 4:34 PM

Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 16:34:45 -0400

USMC - "This is the Snake's (Turtle/Spider/Wombat/other critter) house, not yours. Leave it alone."

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jun 1 at 2015 4:47 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 16:47:14 -0400

I ran over a bright green monitor lizard in the desert.

The MPs would create a bypass for the snake.

Response by CPT Ahmed Faried made Jun 1 at 2015 4:55 PM

CPT Ahmed Faried — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 16:55:55 -0400

This is great.

Response by CH (MAJ) William Beaver made Jun 1 at 2015 5:05 PM

CH (MAJ) William Beaver — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 17:05:58 -0400

With the power of JESUS, hallelujah!!

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jun 1 at 2015 5:22 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 17:22:16 -0400

The State Dept gives the snake money to immigrate to US.

Response by SSG (ret) William Martin made Jun 1 at 2015 5:26 PM

SSG (ret) William Martin — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 17:26:37 -0400

Why doesn't the Army just issue out special snake bite suits?

Response by Capt Mark Strobl made Jun 1 at 2015 5:57 PM

Capt Mark Strobl — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 17:57:59 -0400

USMC Motor T:
1.) Call both Range-Control & base Wildlife Officer.
2.) While awaiting response, direct a PFC to asses snake's species and disposition.
3.) After Marine gets bit, call "Corpsman Up!"
4.) Watch Navy Corpsman empty a magazine of 9-mm ammo into snake.
5.) While directing a Mk48-18 Wrecker Operator to repeatedly drive over the snake's corpse, have radio operator re-establish communications with Range Control and Wildlife Officer, telling them, "Situation has been resolved."
6.) Medevac PFC to local Naval Medical Hospital.
7.) Await calls from Regimental CO and SgtMaj --inquiring to "what really happened."

Response by SFC Walt Littleton made Jun 1 at 2015 5:59 PM

SFC Walt Littleton — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 17:59:48 -0400

Unless you are 101st Airborne where we smell dinner!

Response by MAJ Ron Peery made Jun 1 at 2015 6:26 PM

MAJ Ron Peery — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 18:26:48 -0400

During an FTX with the 12th SF way back in the day, someone yelled "Snake". Everyone ran towards the critter, and we had a fine meal that night.

Response by PO2 Todd Voge made Jun 1 at 2015 6:43 PM

PO2 Todd Voge — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 18:43:37 -0400

Well, as a Navy guy, I could absolutely agree with what was written for us!!! And I'm really bummed that NCA didn't get back to the Missile Officers to authorize a launch on that snake!!

Response by Sgt Cody Dumont made Jun 1 at 2015 7:25 PM

Sgt Cody Dumont — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 19:25:58 -0400

Computer Ops: send I elite hacker team to launch metasploit and run other vulnerability scans. Applies patches fix vulnerability. Patch cause new 0-day that is later exploited with XSS and CSRF attack.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 1 at 2015 7:43 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 19:43:02 -0400

Hey! I know those guys in that picture! That's my old unit!

Response by SGT Anthony Bussing made Jun 1 at 2015 8:19 PM

SGT Anthony Bussing — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 20:19:28 -0400

Dont forget to add CIA, Blackwater, Triple canopy and DynCorps...lol

Response by PO1 John Miller made Jun 1 at 2015 8:38 PM

PO1 John Miller — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 20:38:56 -0400

And then guys like me will hide until the snake moves away.

Response by SSG Lloyd Becker BSBA-HCM, MBA made Jun 1 at 2015 8:52 PM

SSG Lloyd Becker BSBA-HCM, MBA — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 20:52:06 -0400

25. Farmer kills snake with the shovel end of a long-handled shovel.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 1 at 2015 8:57 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 20:57:20 -0400

Number 8 is true for the Officer side!! So true!! Enlisted Combat Engineers would use P=plenty to demolish the snake or a MICLIC!!

Response by SSG Sean Thoman made Jun 1 at 2015 9:31 PM

SSG Sean Thoman — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 21:31:50 -0400

As an Instructor years and years back when we used BFRs and Clubs at McBride's Bridge T/A (if it still exists at Ft Benning), number 1 is about right. Unless it comes out from under the tree you are sitting on at the time and decides to take up a position at your feet, then it is hold back on the brick you are about to release, remain calm and talk quietly on radio to send help, hoping said rattle snake decides your boots are not his bed and leaves the area.

Response by MSG David Chappell made Jun 1 at 2015 9:35 PM

MSG David Chappell — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 21:35:28 -0400

When you go to an army school and go to the field they have a picture of the dangerous plants and animals. Most people call this the warning board, infantry calls it "the menu"

Response by SFC Maury Gonzalez made Jun 1 at 2015 9:52 PM

SFC Maury Gonzalez — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 21:52:39 -0400

Army medic : gives snake 24 hours quarters, a 7 day no biting profile and motrin 800mg twice a day

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 1 at 2015 11:04 PM

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 23:04:49 -0400

LRO Trainee: Takes photo of snake. Uploads to class FB group alerting classmates to steer clear/be mindful. Ensures that lodging maintenance is properly handling the issue. Returns to room to eat lunch and nap.

No lie, this happened to us this last week. ;)

Response by CPL Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 2 at 2015 12:12 AM

CPL Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 00:12:07 -0400

Playing Opfor in the field at Bragg a few years ago. We snatched two copperheads by the tail and whacked their heads over a rock to stun them before decapitation by E-tool. It was pretty metal lol.

Response by SGT J Edward Canfield made Jun 2 at 2015 7:46 AM

SGT J Edward Canfield — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 07:46:50 -0400

As a former MP we'd just unload ALL 10 rounds of .45 that we were issued... plus the extra 50 unauthorized rounds that we had. But as a Scout Leader we just play with them.

Response by SGT William Howell made Jun 2 at 2015 9:12 AM

SGT William Howell — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 09:12:30 -0400

Military Police: Would not be able to locate the snake due to not being in the PX or Burger King or if they did locate it, they would give it a ticket for doing 1MPH over the posted speed limit.

Response by SFC Jeremy Stocker made Jun 2 at 2015 11:39 AM

SFC Jeremy Stocker — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 11:39:58 -0400

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes).

Response by SPC Jeremy Schmitt made Jun 2 at 2015 12:45 PM

SPC Jeremy Schmitt — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 12:45:21 -0400

SATCOM: Request downtime from OC, aim dish, microwave the snake.

Response by SSG John Jensen made Jun 3 at 2015 3:09 AM

SSG John Jensen — Wed, 03 Jun 2015 03:09:14 -0400

at Bragg a friend of mine in commo would while in the field lean his M16 against a tree, place a rubber snake at the base of it and walk away, and watch everybody walk up to grab the unattended rifle and then run away when they say the snake

Response by SPC Jan Allbright, M.Sc., R.S. made Jun 3 at 2015 12:47 PM

SPC Jan Allbright, M.Sc., R.S. — Wed, 03 Jun 2015 12:47:11 -0400

Airborne Combat Medic: Waits for business to pick up with a boat-load of snake bites.

Response by SGT John Wesley made Jun 3 at 2015 5:13 PM

SGT John Wesley — Wed, 03 Jun 2015 17:13:28 -0400

I live in Florida, I work around the waterways of Florida, I've got a deep respect for snakes. I tend to veer off til they move out of my AO, but some are over curious or aggressive. I tend to dispatch those quickly.

Response by SPC Carrie Cates made Jun 3 at 2015 11:37 PM

SPC Carrie Cates — Wed, 03 Jun 2015 23:37:09 -0400

MPs: Detain snake for failure to properly identify itself, transport snake to PMO/detainee center, spend hours attempting to locate/contact and transfer snake to the proper authorities with jurisdiction, spend the remainder of shift and a half filling out patrol reports, sworn affidavits and conducting interviews of all witnesses/persons involved.

Response by Col Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 4 at 2015 5:48 AM

Col Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 04 Jun 2015 05:48:50 -0400

Kill kill kill it!

Response by MAJ Terry LaFrance made Jun 12 at 2015 11:09 PM

MAJ Terry LaFrance — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 23:09:42 -0400

I never get tired of this one

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 17 at 2020 12:06 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 17 May 2020 12:06:20 -0400

As maintenance we would give said snake an A service. Release it to line platoon , 88Ms will have it killed in minutes.
No blood on maintenance sections hands this way
Or we deadline snake while we wait for parts, snake dies of old age

Response by SGT Mary G. made Jan 31 at 2023 9:49 PM

SGT Mary G. — Tue, 31 Jan 2023 21:49:52 -0500

FTX in Texas, was Ranger style snake action: "5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. "

Response by CPT Ahmed Faried made Feb 6 at 2023 12:37 AM

CPT Ahmed Faried — Mon, 06 Feb 2023 00:37:53 -0500

Wow...this is in-depth haha