How do you respond to a fan boy employer that constantly asks about life down range?

2015-07-31T23:04:26-04:00

My question is pretty simple, but the ramifications aren't. What do you do to deal with an employer that is a little too into military life and combat? I have an employer that watched Lone Survivor and wanted to know if every detail was authentic. His uncle was, supposedly, a SEAL in Vietnam, so he "knows" quite a bit. It is odd because I know he genuinely supports the military, but I also don't want to tell him stories that will make the workplace awkward. It's like he wants me to relive the worst days of my life as if they are a Michael Bay movie. What are your thoughts and have you dealt with this?

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 31 at 2015 11:09 PM

2015-07-31T23:09:18-04:00

I would explain to him that it is a personal experience and that you do not feel comfortable talking to him about. If he presses the issue, it could be harassment.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 31 at 2015 11:17 PM

2015-07-31T23:17:51-04:00

Tell him what you feel comfortable with but make sure he understands that their is a line. He is trying to be supportive but for him it is just a story. let him know that some stories are private.

Response by SGT Danny Strzyzewski made Jul 31 at 2015 11:57 PM

2015-07-31T23:57:39-04:00

Only tell him what you're comfortable telling him. You DO NOT have to relive those past expierences just because he's curious. Tell him, educate him as well. YOU deal with it so that HE didn't have too.

Response by SSgt Charles Edwards made Aug 1 at 2015 12:09 AM

2015-08-01T00:09:22-04:00

You've got some good responses and advice, so here's my suggestion: tell him if he wants to know about the authenticity of combat in movies depicting war, he should sign up and serve his country. That way, he can get a front row seat.

Response by SPC(P) Jay Heenan made Aug 1 at 2015 12:36 AM

2015-08-01T00:36:08-04:00

I didn't respond to your poll, because there wasn't an answer that fit. I can appreciate that a civilian wants to 'understand' what Service Members go through while deployed, but not all SM's wish to talk about it. You should politely tell him that you do not want to talk about it and hopefully he/she will respect your request. I don't talk about my experiences because I have been called out by a dude because he said that so-and-so was there and he said...I tried to explain that a each SM could have a very different deployment experience.

Response by MSgt Curtis Ellis made Aug 1 at 2015 2:38 AM

2015-08-01T02:38:37-04:00

I usually give one word answers, and if pushed, tell them I didn't see/do much of anything and only played a supporting role to those who did.

Response by SGT Beau Thomas made Aug 1 at 2015 2:47 AM

2015-08-01T02:47:57-04:00

I always wondered why these old war vets didn't talk about war very much till I went to war and came back. It seems like none of my family or friends cared or understood in the least. A couple of them asked the standard questions which almost always included, "Did you kill anyone?" So after awhile, when people ask, especially if I don't know them much, I just describe the scene from Saving Private Ryan where they hit the beach and I usually describe the scene from Tom Hanks perspective. I've only had one person call me out. Most people believe every word as I describe it with a melancholy look on my face. It seems as if the only real friends I have are Combat Veterans. It the only people I can understand anymore.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 1 at 2015 9:21 AM

2015-08-01T09:21:52-04:00

Id be blunt honest with him and inform him that the questions he wants makes me relive the worst moments in my life and I feel he doesn't need to know about that part of my life. Id also tell him that if he still wants to know about war to go ask his uncle the "Seal" about it and see what he says.

Response by PO1 J R Foster made Aug 4 at 2015 1:15 PM

2015-08-04T13:15:42-04:00

I agree with MSgt Clifford. I probably would, if he kept asking, just give him the same answer. After a while (a short while, I'd hope), I'd think he'd get the idea that it's not something you're comfortable discussing and he'd stop asking.
There's no way that even watching an accurate Hollywood film, that you can get an accurate feeling of what anything in life is like without experiencing it yourself. Maybe explain that to him.

Response by MCPO Tom Miller made Aug 4 at 2015 1:53 PM

2015-08-04T13:53:52-04:00

All special forces are unique and devoted to pride and professionalism. They are very competitive by nature and goal oriented. When they reach acceptable higher standards the only want to improve even more. Life or limb they are comitted and no higher patriotic individual can surface above their love of duty or commitment. They have earned total respect and honor.

Response by TSgt Roy Jeffery made Aug 4 at 2015 2:12 PM

2015-08-04T14:12:45-04:00

I Honestly would tell them the truth to what I was willing to share...You see there is a big divide right now between the warrior (military) class and the civilian one...more than we have ever seen before in our nation.. it is good to try and educate them on some of those aspects..as much as you feel comfortable sharing...

Response by PO1 Richard Bratlee made Aug 4 at 2015 3:04 PM

2015-08-04T15:04:11-04:00

I just look at them and tell them that unless you have been there you don't have the referents to understand--and if you had been there you wouldn't need to ask--+1 to SGT Thomas

Response by CAPT Gary Foster made Aug 4 at 2015 3:23 PM

2015-08-04T15:23:47-04:00

If he is an employer and wants to be in touch with the military, have him go to http://www.esgr.mil. Employer Support of the Guard and Reserve is a great organization for employers to learn about the military and where guys like this can be invited to go on Boss Lifts, where he could ride on an Air Force tanker and experience an air refueling, or tour a Navy ship, or go to a weapons range with the Army, Guard or Marines. The website can direct him to his local state pages where he could associate with ESGR volunteers, many who have served before. He will hear all of the "sea stories" he can handle in this organization.

Response by PO2 Frances Smart made Aug 4 at 2015 3:28 PM

2015-08-04T15:28:59-04:00

I think I would tell them that talking about it aggravates my PTSD, and that the subject makes me uncomfortable for that reason. Most people will say something like, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't realize." at that point. I have had to do this a couple of times, and I didn't even serve in combat. I have MST, which is a subset of PTSD, and a byproduct of having served in the navy in the 1980's. And most of them get the warm fuzzies they want from me explaining that I was one of the first females in a combat MOS in the navy. Tell them the positive stuff without embellishing, and gloss over the bad stuff or excuse it away by saying you don't want to talk about it. Most people will understand that.

Response by LCDR Bruce Cooley made Aug 4 at 2015 3:31 PM

2015-08-04T15:31:36-04:00

I generally tell them what they are asking about. It helps me deal with the few hiccups in my life post deployments. I was NOT involved in anything even remotely as 'active' as the front line door crashers, so it bores them and they go away!

Response by SSG Kyle Johnson made Aug 4 at 2015 3:42 PM

2015-08-04T15:42:27-04:00

Usually I let them know what is pertinent to my job and that anything else is not relevant or appropriate for work.

Response by Julie Prielipp made Aug 4 at 2015 4:01 PM

2015-08-04T16:01:05-04:00

Most Vets in combat rarely talk about their time in battle to people that couldn't or can't relate to what they experienced at any level. I used to hear bits and pieces between the old WWII Vets when I volunteered behind the bar at the local VFW. Not really understanding until experiencing things for my self. Now I totally get it and I'm pretty tight lipped and just blow people off.

Response by PO1 Ray McMillan made Aug 4 at 2015 4:01 PM

2015-08-04T16:01:46-04:00

Tell him that was a very difficult time in a very unpopular situation. Tell him you underwent ten years and $75,000 on therapy and don't want to undo it.

Response by SSG Dana Tiderington made Aug 4 at 2015 4:55 PM

2015-08-04T16:55:47-04:00

Look just tell him you don't want to discuss it in a nice way most of the time they understand

Response by SSgt Boyd Welch made Aug 4 at 2015 6:19 PM

2015-08-04T18:19:21-04:00

Give them the same answer I gave my son before he enlisted..." Movies make war seem glorious but the truth is when you put the uniform on, there is always a bullet,shell,bomb,or IED waiting for you. You lose friends and people that are closer than brothers and sisters. Those type of experiences, you've never heard me speak of and there's a reason for that. You have to find out for yourself. I'm glad that my military experience helped me get a good job with a good employer that understands my reluctance to relive painful memories..."

Response by SSG Eric Eck made Aug 4 at 2015 8:00 PM

2015-08-04T20:00:15-04:00

If you have civilian friendly stories, tell them. ie. this dude was so fucked up he did this stupid ass shit. Or, Haji is known for... Don't tell stories that actually have to do with death and destruction, unless you want to. No need to relive your nightmares so someone else can hear "a cool story".

Response by SN Timothy Ehrenhaft made Aug 5 at 2015 12:29 AM

2015-08-05T00:29:08-04:00

Explain to your employer that, while you appreciate his support for the military, sating (not a typo) his level of interest in details of your combat activity is inappropriate for the workplace and creates an awkward work environment for you. Unfortunately, this does not fit the legal definition of "hostile work environment", according to the US Federal Labor Laws, so reporting it to HR (as many may recommend) will not produce a solution. All you can do is ask him to stop, and hope that he complies. Mature reply satisfied, here's the snarky reply: if he really must know what it's like, he should enlist like we did. ;)

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2015 1:19 AM

2015-08-05T01:19:31-04:00

Tell him to watch "In the Army now" for the authentic experience...

Response by SSG James N. made Aug 5 at 2015 11:05 AM

2015-08-05T11:05:22-04:00

I look them in the eye, and ask them if they want the very ugly truth, or if they want me to gloss it over and leave the ugliness out. The one who said all of it, well after I got to Day 3 CLS, he had enough and the girl who was standing next to us started crying. Watching little girls geet blown up, and their faces half torn off usually stops this BS. For me/US Vets, it's very therapeutic to talk about it(except with others who really understand and btdt)

Response by MSG Tim Donahue, M.Ed. made Aug 5 at 2015 12:14 PM

2015-08-05T12:14:48-04:00

I like to tell them my story about being the Sergeant of the Shit Detail. Burning poop during the first gulf war. After that graphic story - most of them quit asking.

Response by Cpl Robert Masi made Aug 5 at 2015 12:20 PM

2015-08-05T12:20:28-04:00

I tell them that there are plenty videos if they are interested. I really don't engage these people on this topic and I visibly show I'm not not comfortable with discussing these things. Eventually they will get the hint. And often will respect you more. More is less with these people.
Don't feed into their weird obsession of DANGER FROM A DISTANCE. Meaning, they like the feeling of danger, but are to afraid to actually be in that situation.

Response by LT John Stevens made Aug 5 at 2015 12:37 PM

2015-08-05T12:37:03-04:00

I believe that generally, honesty is the best policy. Tell him exactly what you wrote here: That you do not want to "relive the worst days of my life" then thank him for his interest and support. I doubt that he will further press for details. Some people find talking about their experiences to be therapeutic, other find it difficult. There is not shame in not wanting to wake up your demons.

Response by LtCol Matthew Rajkovich made Aug 5 at 2015 1:04 PM

2015-08-05T13:04:23-04:00

I'd recommend asking him a few questions first.
1) Does he understand that combat is an extremely personal experience?
2) Why is he so interested? Curiosity, novelty, or is he contemplating service?
Based on his responses you can usually judge whether he is deserving of more info. If he really wants to know make sure that he knows that he may not like what you have to tell him. If he doesn't want to hear (experience) stuff that is counter to his expectations or preconceptions...then tell him "congratulations, that is a little of what combat is like."

Don't tell him anything you're not comfortable discussing. You can't ever fully understand this subject for free (i.e. from someone else). Trivial info is all you can offer at best. If that isn't enough, he'll need to go get shot at to learn more.

Response by SFC Nikhil Kumra made Aug 5 at 2015 1:12 PM

2015-08-05T13:12:20-04:00

Just remember, God put non-veterans on this earth so that veteran's had someone to fuck with.... with that, just be as sarcastic and exaggerated as you possibly can. Chances are, you're better than them.

Response by CPO John Yerby made Aug 5 at 2015 1:24 PM

2015-08-05T13:24:03-04:00

They don't need to know. F*** em.

Response by LTC Mo Vanderslice made Aug 5 at 2015 1:37 PM

2015-08-05T13:37:30-04:00

Tell them the truth. It's about 60% of the military that supports the other 40%, the trigger pullers. Not all of the jobs are glamorous, but their all necessary for the system to function properly. Sadly, the higher you rise in the military, the less chances you get to serve in a trigger puller position.

Response by SSG (ret) William Martin made Aug 5 at 2015 1:46 PM

2015-08-05T13:46:56-04:00

It's annoying to run across a fan boy for one particular branch then a particular MOS. For example, I I have many people who were all about the Marines and then the MOS of infantry. They ask about what I did and I tell them. Obviously I am not infantry so they first say, "well you're not a Marine so...." and then they say, "so you never left the camp, because my a friend of my cousin who is in the Marines reserves left all the time to do missions". There are these idiots who never served a day in their life in the military and they want to discredit what I did as if they were creditable. I want to smack the hell out of them especially the guys with a false sense of what it means to be a man.

Response by SGT William Howell made Aug 5 at 2015 1:47 PM

2015-08-05T13:47:17-04:00

I have a friend that did "stuff" in Iraq. When people ask him what he did, he tells them he was a cook. Nobody wants to here about being a cook. It usually keeps them at bay.

Response by Cpl Barry Goodson made Aug 5 at 2015 2:01 PM

2015-08-05T14:01:15-04:00

Sergeant Biggs. I know you have numerous responses and that you are going to do what your heart tells you to do, but in reality this is a violation of the federal law under the American Disabilities Act and equates to workplace harassment. It is your responsibility as an employee to advise your employer; even if he or she is your boss, that such questions make you uncomfortable and that you would appreciate it if that person would not ask any questions relating to your experiences in combat or the military in general. If the person continues to harass you, I would recommend that you take the issue up the chain, just as you would in the military. I am a combat veteran with PTSD and TBI issues and I have always handled such questions depending on the person. I have found there are those who choose to live vicariously through your personal experiences and at your personal expense, which can unleash severe PTSD issues. I feel that, in one sense it is our duty to inform the public in some respects, because if we do not tell civilians the truth of warfare, they will certainly never find it anywhere else. However, that truth must be feathered with an appropriate time and place, which is not over a few beers after work...dangerous situation for you and others. If the person is persistent and obviously is into living vicariously through you, I would encourage you to bring out the fact that he is violating your rights to freedom from workplace harassment and that if he persists, you are willing to take the issue forward. Regardless, I would keep a file on his violations and go ahead and let a superior know that you are being harassed to the degree that you are uncomfortable in the workplace. You are welcome to contact me for further information as well. I may be reached at [login to see] . God Speed!

Response by PO3 Rod Arnold made Aug 5 at 2015 2:05 PM

2015-08-05T14:05:18-04:00

Just tell him the truth, your not comfortable talking about the the bad times. Rod

Response by CAPT Carlos Flanagan made Aug 5 at 2015 2:09 PM

2015-08-05T14:09:31-04:00

What is the truth? Unless you are a SEAL, you can't know if the movie was authentic...which by the way was not.

Response by Cpl Christopher Thrower made Aug 5 at 2015 2:14 PM

2015-08-05T14:14:56-04:00

I get asked this all the time, by people of a similar mentality. I remind them that this is not a game, and each persons unique experience is personal and not something most would wish to discuss. I also remind them that asking someone to recall such events is a terrible thing to ask of someone, and they should keep their curiosity down to a healthy, respectful level by not posing such affronting questions.

Response by SSgt Jacob Echols made Aug 5 at 2015 2:15 PM

2015-08-05T14:15:17-04:00

This is a recurring scenario for me in my life now as well. As a veteran working in the civilian sector this has come up a lot. I have found that the best way to answer that question is to be truthful about the experiences, but stick to the comical events that happened. While they may "think" they want to hear about the hard shit, I always move to a funny story about a Polish helicopter clipping an antennae off our hooch into the windshield of the humvee, or exploding water bottles left in the shitters. We all have tons of stories anyway right?

If they're still persistent about the death and destruction then tell them to go enlist and create their own stories.

Response by Cpl Nicholis Christian made Aug 5 at 2015 2:21 PM

2015-08-05T14:21:20-04:00

I always say join up and see for yourself, you can't explain it, hollywood always over exaggerates, kinda like the first time you see a grenade explode, its nothing like the movies, and now when i see a grenade in a movie, with the flames and sparks, I just shake my head

Response by SGT Ben Keen made Aug 5 at 2015 2:31 PM

2015-08-05T14:31:50-04:00

I tell people that if you look at combat in the terms of a 24 hour clock. It's 23 hours of bordem mixed with 30 minutes of pure controlled craziness and then 30 minutes of trying not to crap your pants.

Response by Sgt Halen Allison made Aug 5 at 2015 2:34 PM

2015-08-05T14:34:50-04:00

Most of my post-military employment has been as a contractor with the military or in government service. As a result, I've not been asked this question in the workplace. However, I have been asked by many civilians outside the workplace. As an intel analyst, I simply reply that I merely supported those in harm's way. This is the truth, no matter how you look at it. I coach baseball in my spare time, and was asked by one of my players if I'd ever killed anyone. I hate that question but realize that he doesn't know any better. I just told him that no, I've never killed anyone, but that such a question is usually frowned upon. It was a teachable moment, and I think he got a lot out of our subsequent exchange.

Response by CMSgt John Momaney made Aug 5 at 2015 2:37 PM

2015-08-05T14:37:44-04:00

If I am talking to Vets we discuss everything and laugh at a lot. If A none-Vet ask we may say, " if you were not there you will never understand."

Response by PO1 Donald Hammond made Aug 5 at 2015 2:55 PM

2015-08-05T14:55:52-04:00

I get it a lot even from military people. I don't think it is a "fan boy" reaction, but instead curiosity as to how anybody can be crazy enough to go on submarines. Of course most of the dirty details of what we did out there is classified so I have to stick to the stories of "hazing" etc that shows we definitely were crazy while out to sea underwater. If they keep pestering away at me, I just change the subject. To use that sex analogy, this would be more like "have you ever had sex? Well, do it in a sensory deprivation chamber. Just like that". :D

Response by CMSgt Mike Esser made Aug 5 at 2015 2:55 PM

2015-08-05T14:55:57-04:00

Exercise OPSEC. Many unclassified bits of info aggregate into a higher OPSEC classification. Put him in contact with yhe local ESGR office.

Response by SGT Samuel Luna made Aug 5 at 2015 3:10 PM

2015-08-05T15:10:44-04:00

The best response is to tell the truth in the best way possible for you. This is an opportunity to educate America to understand our experience To understand why we need their support in so many ways to reintegrate back into civiilian life. To help them stop being "fans". At our combat retreats this comes up, as you can imagine, quite often and we have great discussions. I believe our veterans leave with a better understanding of themselves and situations like these. They can address questions/situations like these without feeling stressed At first it can be something like "its a part of my life that is difficult to discuss and I hope you understand". Their response does not matter, especially if it is negative. After many retreats my response is something like "combat gave me PTS and my PTS is a NORMAL response/injury to combat--a very ABNORMALl situation. Telling you about combat is difficult for me but here is what I can tell you,,,".
My prayers for a peace-filled life with a combat veteran nearby. Thank you for your service.

Response by CPL Christopher LaBouve made Aug 5 at 2015 3:17 PM

2015-08-05T15:17:54-04:00

I've actually had this happen to me before. I told my boss that it wasn't something I was comfortable talking about. He was a good guy and didn't really ask about it anymore.

Response by Maj Chris Nelson made Aug 5 at 2015 3:25 PM

2015-08-05T15:25:03-04:00

I tell them exactly how much I want to tell them, without leading them on, but also without giving them so many details that I am forced to re-live the experience. I can keep from re-living by not going into full detail...as soon as I go full detail, I start smelling, seeing, and feeling everything that was going on at that time....I try not to go there.

Response by Lt Col Robert Canfield made Aug 5 at 2015 4:05 PM

2015-08-05T16:05:04-04:00

I always try to use some form of subtle humor to respond to uncomfortable questions. You could take the "Col Flagg" approach and say (with kind of a crooked smile): "I could tell you, but then I would have to shoot you". The other "Col Flagg" response I like is: "the last guy that asked me that question is now wearing orthopedic shirts"

Or... if you want to be a little more PC and mysterious, then just say: "Well... I am THINKING about writing a book about my life in the military, and I don't want to give away all my best material."

Response by LCpl Bradley Otto made Aug 5 at 2015 4:11 PM

2015-08-05T16:11:30-04:00

I would let him know, "It's like any other job. You work and train for a task. Except that sometime that task entails the world of combat, and that's no joke a scary dark place. " Tell him only a veteran has the inside view to a Military life. It's like no other job you can every have. You represent your country. Your service branch and you thrive to protect the people you work with every day and ensure there safety as well as your own. It's not Hollywood and no movie will get all the right angles it's impossible.

Response by 1stSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2015 5:01 PM

2015-08-05T17:01:55-04:00

Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and to please let you do you job.

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2015 5:26 PM

2015-08-05T17:26:07-04:00

OK, I went for tell them the truth, and this is my truth.

I didn't kill anyone (which you don't have to say if you did, or if you just don't want to say.) I was shot at, and I was scared as anyone might be who came within a few feet of getting his head blown off. The real truth about combat is that it's weeks of boredom surrounding seconds of terror. Rinse, repeat, ad nauseum.

The underneath truth that I don't tell is that I never felt more alive than when some a$$hole tried to kill me and COULDN'T GET THE JOB DONE. No, I didn't feel invulnerable. No, I didn't hear angel wings (but then my hearing is terrible.) I guess it's fairest to say that my life should have been over each of those times, and the extra years I have had are like winning the lottery - over and over.

Response by Sgt Torey Fezer made Aug 5 at 2015 5:33 PM

2015-08-05T17:33:18-04:00

Take charge of your environment, reframe the conversation, tell him what you told us. The experience sucked and you have no interest talking about it. That seems like a simple resolution. I'm personally totally disinterested in modern war flicks/shows. They're either too glamorous or too real, neither of which are appealing to me.

Response by PO3 Larry Ware made Aug 5 at 2015 6:11 PM

2015-08-05T18:11:19-04:00

I tell then that I will not relive it for then or anyone else. My demons are in a BOX that I will not reopen

Response by SPC Americo Garcia made Aug 5 at 2015 6:20 PM

2015-08-05T18:20:57-04:00

If you don't feel like talking much about it. Tell the person like we did we are human to there and we have our regular lives other than just being a war machine. They freak out when you tell them that most weapons sound like popcorn going off. Tell them if you think we talk death and destruction then go find a war movie. We are a diverse group of people who talk about sex, politics, service, government, and all kinds of Jargon that will confuse you simple folk.

Response by LCpl Steve Smith made Aug 5 at 2015 6:33 PM

2015-08-05T18:33:49-04:00

Just Be Honest with him, tell him you don't mind him asking questions but some questions he asks make you uncomfortable, and let him know when he asks one of those questions that makes you feel that way. He'll get to know what type of questions not to ask.

Response by Cpl Count Hopkins made Aug 5 at 2015 7:58 PM

2015-08-05T19:58:30-04:00

Tell your employer just what you said to your fellow brothers and sisters in arms, "I don't want to relive the worst days of my life because YOU (employer) think it's like a Michael Bay movie.
I don't feel comfortable with all the questions. By all means, support our troops we really need it but if I don't bring it up please don't ask me to."

Response by Cpl Jeff Ruffing made Aug 5 at 2015 10:49 PM

2015-08-05T22:49:30-04:00

Only speak about what you know and what you experienced, and also, what you are comfortable about speaking. Most people respect you and leave you alone if you tell them you don't want to talk about it.

Response by Cpl Jeremy Ellis made Aug 6 at 2015 12:12 AM

2015-08-06T00:12:40-04:00

Well, I didn't see any combat so take that for what it's worth. I was active duty 94-98 and was a correctional specialist (aka: Brig guard). But I am now a Psychiatric nurse with a master's degree and pursuing a Nurse Practioner certification in the same field so you can take that for whatever it's worth to you... I think it is ok to share some (but leave out the gory details). Be honest with him about how it made you feel... good and bad... mad and sad... angry and even accomplishment... why you probably feel guilty about some issues. Hell, consider it a free therapy session. If you haven't talked about those things you probably haven't even explored your own emotions. It will even help you identify your triggers to why you behave certain ways in certain situations. Some people do admire those that served, the only way we keep that bond alive is by fostering those relationships. Of course it's easier to talk to a vet but we can still try to remember that we actually embarked on the journey for our country and the people that call it home. God Bless, my brother. Semper Fi!

Response by CPL Rick Esquivel made Aug 6 at 2015 12:23 AM

2015-08-06T00:23:14-04:00

What does Wagner love. Fuck all the posers.

Response by SGT Bob Whitworth made Aug 6 at 2015 1:15 AM

2015-08-06T01:15:49-04:00

This is no easy situation. When I am asked about combat details I let it be known that killing up close leaves an invisible impression or stain on us that never leaves.

For a soldier to see his buddies die is a respectable weight to carry and the details of how a soldier loses his life should be held sacred.

Telling civilians that can be helpful so they, can grasp part of the price paid to stand in the gap.

Response by PO1 Tharin Young made Aug 6 at 2015 4:57 AM

2015-08-06T04:57:50-04:00

I went with tell the truth. And for me the truth was what felt like a million hours of boredom. A couple of times that I stood up my mount and contemplated what would happen if I was ordered to kill someone. I never had to cross that line and I don't envy anyone who did.
I know it seems boring, but as I quickly realized, sometimes boring is good.

Response by SN Earl Robinson made Aug 6 at 2015 5:45 AM

2015-08-06T05:45:22-04:00

Just tell him that you don't like or not comfortable talking about it with people who haven't served!

Response by CPO Jon Campbell made Aug 6 at 2015 7:52 AM

2015-08-06T07:52:39-04:00

I don't know if you are in the reserve or there are others in your company that are in the reserve, but ESGR has a program that lets employers go and actually see what their employees do while in the military. My advice is feed the fire, but steer him in a different direction.

Response by MSgt Michael Smith made Aug 6 at 2015 11:05 AM

2015-08-06T11:05:38-04:00

You know, your use of the term 'Fan boy' really bothers me. Not only is it disparaging to whom I assume is your boss, but it is rude to civillians as a whole, most of whom have no idea or interest in what happens on deployments. Don't ever forget, it's the civillians, and their taxpayer money that pays for all of this --and it is their votes which get our benefits increased or decreased. No matter how deserving or brave the military is, we are just a small part of the overall population in the USA. Be an advocate for the military, encourage him to get involved in Veteran's Associations or groups, see if he can volunteer to help wounded warriors,elderly vets, etc, who want to tell their stories. This person is interested in what we do, and though some questions might be innapropriate, interest in the military is always a good thing. We don't want it to be an US and THEM thing.

Response by SPC David Hannaman made Aug 6 at 2015 3:23 PM

2015-08-06T15:23:37-04:00

It's rude to ask, but like you said, they're just being fan-boy's, so they deserve to know the etiquette so they don't inadvertently trigger someone who is dealing with PTSD.

My Grandpa (who took German machine gun shrapnel in WWI) said it best. "Don't ever ask, just listen. If they're ready to talk, they will... and if they do you'll probably never want to listen again."

Response by SSgt Michael Cox made Aug 6 at 2015 4:13 PM

2015-08-06T16:13:28-04:00

Working on a college campus and a veterans out reach officer I have been asked the same questions you have probably gotten. I would just be direct and honest with him and let him know you don't feel comfortable discussing what it was like down range and also let him know you would like to keep office life professional if possible. And if he ever brings up any of your possible disabilities remind him that it is illegal for him to ask those kind of questions.

Response by PO1 John Miller made Aug 7 at 2015 7:01 AM

2015-08-07T07:01:31-04:00

2ndLt Matthew J. pretty much hit the nail on the head. I would be humble, truthful, but tactfully let him know that it is something he could never understand completely unless he's been there himself.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 7 at 2015 12:34 PM

2015-08-07T12:34:30-04:00

I would (respectfully) tell him that those events are a part of your life you don't feel like discussing in the workplace. If he is really that intent on hearing those kinds of stories, tell him to visit a VFW lodge and im sure there may be some vets there that would love to have someone to speak to about their past war experiences.

Response by CPT Pedro Meza made Aug 7 at 2015 2:01 PM

2015-08-07T14:01:03-04:00

Best to be honest about what you say and how you feel about talking about your experience, just keep in mind that what you say will define who you were and are now.

Response by PO2 Robert Allen made Aug 7 at 2015 6:55 PM

2015-08-07T18:55:23-04:00

I've dealt with similar situations, though not with an employer. I always try to explain things in general terms. Nobody wants to re-live combat (nobody sane, or who's actually been there, anyway), nor is it something I discuss in specifics with ANYONE. Just try and explain that Hollywood is one thing & reality is a totally different animal, and that you can't explain something like what being in a firefight or picking up pieces of what used to be your friend is like to someone who wasn't there. Straight-up tell your boss that you're very uncomfortable discussing it, and if he truly is supportive of the military & of what combat vets have seen and done, he should understand. Sorry this is such a wordy answer, but I have dealt with my sister being upset with my nephew since he got back from Afghanistan...he hasn't & won't tell her anything about it, but he & I have talked about it over a few pitchers several times. She doesn't get it. Hopefully, your boss will.

Response by SGT Christopher Churilla made Aug 8 at 2015 3:54 AM

2015-08-08T03:54:34-04:00

Point them towards a recruiting station and tell them learn for themselves.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 8 at 2015 4:25 AM

2015-08-08T04:25:20-04:00

I will admit that I have fun with this. You set them up and build them up with a really good story and then end it as bad as you can. It would sound something like this.

"Man, there I was. Patroling the means streets of Baghdad. There has been a huge spike in enemy activity and we got word there was an IED emplacing them. Then I looked down and found that my boots weren't laced right. I didn't know how that could have happened. When I went to basic training my Drill Sergeant taught us how to lace a boot. Back then we had Black Boots so things have changed. (this is when you stare off in some random direction)

Response by Lt Col Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 8 at 2015 1:59 PM

2015-08-08T13:59:23-04:00

I'd actually appreciate real questions about my service more than the pat "thank you for your service" mentality that has permeated America.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 8 at 2015 2:52 PM

2015-08-08T14:52:09-04:00

He eccentric and wants to live his life vicariously through you. It is an unhealthy relationship.

Response by SrA Edward Vong made Aug 8 at 2015 3:08 PM

2015-08-08T15:08:41-04:00

Let's rephrase this to fan girls. And I use my prior service to pick up women. I'm just kidding, but there are a bigger number of women compared to men that are interested in my prior service. Usually I just tell them the truth (without the details) of what life was like.

Response by SMSgt Thor Merich made Aug 8 at 2015 6:36 PM

2015-08-08T18:36:21-04:00

I would keep it simple. There is no way he could understand fully without having some experience of his own. Talk about the things you enjoyed, if there were any. My answer is always the same, "it sucked."

Response by SSG Ed Mikus made Aug 8 at 2015 8:02 PM

2015-08-08T20:02:18-04:00

keep offering advice on ways for them to live the "experience" for them self.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 9 at 2015 1:24 PM

2015-08-09T13:24:20-04:00

Explain that you appreciate his support, however those were hard times and you have some painful memories, being asked questions that take your mind back there makes it difficult to focus on the tasks at hand.

Response by SGT Michael Glenn made Aug 9 at 2015 4:16 PM

2015-08-09T16:16:33-04:00

Ask them to come on down and see for them selves, Obviously they havent served so they have no Idea which is to me a bit condescending and being a smart ass on their part.

Response by LTC Bink Romanick made Aug 9 at 2015 9:35 PM

2015-08-09T21:35:22-04:00

I start with "there I was knee deep in hand grenade pins......."

Response by PO1 Kerry French made Aug 10 at 2015 2:16 AM

2015-08-10T02:16:50-04:00

I didn't realize that vets are not protected from this in the workplace... so I talked with my state representative and asked him to think about tweaking the law to include veterans and questions like this. I might have to talk to a Congressman... or woman.

Response by Cpl Arwen Bernard made Aug 12 at 2015 3:42 AM

2015-08-12T03:42:19-04:00

I've always said if you want to but don't want to join, stand down range at a gun range. I got a few stares. Normally it's my kids' friends that ask now though that's a whole new kettle of fish!

Response by Cpl Arwen Bernard made Aug 12 at 2015 4:24 AM

2015-08-12T04:24:53-04:00

It would be wise to cross train all the logistics MOS's with their match in all the branch's just in case something happens. Everyone should know everyone's job that way if the worst happens, things don't fall apart.

Response by SGT Lawrence Corser made Aug 12 at 2015 8:51 AM

2015-08-12T08:51:43-04:00

Had an interview that lasted two hours becasue he wanted to talk about how bad ass the military was at war.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 12 at 2015 11:20 AM

2015-08-12T11:20:52-04:00

Probably just tell the person that I don't feel too comfortable talking about it. He should then respect your privacy. Good Luck!! Sgt William Biggs

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 18 at 2015 8:05 AM

2015-08-18T08:05:04-04:00

Just tell them that it's not something you really like bringing back up and that for each and every individual it is a different experience.
It's not all guts and glory. It's Hollywood.
It's a personal experience only you can experience and let it go at that.
Just ignoring the individual makes them more curious.

Individuals like that are dangerous.
I ran across one that went as far a buying a complete set of uniforms and civilian versions of the M-4's. He ended up getting arrested driving around town at night acting like he was on a mission.

There are some real nuts out there.

Again just end it with its 2 hrs of Hollywood to get your money.
Only you and other Veterans can relate
Civilians will never really understand what we went through.

Response by CPT Russell Pitre made Sep 19 at 2015 11:12 PM

2015-09-19T23:12:41-04:00

If my boss was a military fanboy I would do everything I can to let him get all he can. Can't hurt your boss if he likes you too much.

Response by TSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 16 at 2016 5:51 PM

2016-10-16T17:51:01-04:00

Maybe grow a set and be upfront with them? It's possible to confront an awkward situation without it going south.

Response by LCpl Bradley Otto made Oct 21 at 2016 12:04 PM

2016-10-21T12:04:35-04:00

Is simple terms you tell him, " I can tell you some things of my career, but there are some places I prefer not to re-visit. I made friends, I lost friends. It's not all Hollywood fame and glory. It's a job, I was good at it. But there are things that are private about my service as well. I hope you can understand that."

Response by GySgt Kenneth Pepper made Jan 23 at 2018 1:49 PM

2018-01-23T13:49:21-05:00

Take him down to the local VFW and introduce him to the biggest wanna-be poser in the place. You know the one I'm talking about. The one who can't even keep track of all the BS he has spouted over the last several years. The guy who was in all 4 branches (Sorry CG) at the same time. Made E9 in 3 years, but got busted for roughing up a General who was going to get the whole outfit killed with his idiotic orders.
They will likely becomes besties and you are off the hook.