How do you select your mentor?

CSM Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 22:55:33 -0500

Every young person needs a mentor. If they don't find one in parents, coaches or teachers, they’ll emulate movie stars, athletes or rock musicians.

As a kid growing up in Michigan, my idol was Al Kaline, the Detroit Tiger’s Hall of Fame right fielder. I was such an avid Al Kaline fan that I only ate New Era-brand potato chips because its manufacturer advertised that they were “on the alkaline side.” That was enough for me.

One night after a Detroit Tigers’ game, I begged my dad to stay so I could get autographs from Tigers players. First, I was spurned by outfielder Rocky Colavito, but my hopes rose again when I spotted first-baseman and slugger Norm Cash coming out of the locker room. Like Colavito, he brushed me off. One after another, the exhausted players rushed past us adoring kids without stopping to say a word.

So when I finally spotted Al Kaline, my 13-year-old heart skipped a beat. Would number 6 ignore me, too? Was he aware I knew all of his stats, his life story, his current batting and fielding averages? A dismissal by Al Kaline would have crushed a kid whose very potato chip preference depended on alkalinity.

He must have known, because he stopped to sign. For an inconsequential young teen, this was a perfect night. And it’s one I’ve never forgotten. The only other Tiger who stopped to give me his autograph that night was Jim Bunning, also a Hall of Fame player – and later a US Senator. To this day, I have these two autographs, along with a special memory of two guys out of three dozen who took a few seconds for an excited kid (and his patient dad) who had waited outside a locker room for an hour before an 80-mile drive home.

This hardly makes them mentors, but it does capture some of the elements of good mentors: They’re accessible. They take time. They lead by example. They communicate. They are respected by others, and they show respect.

For most young people starting a career and seeking a mentor, the right equation includes a version of what I experienced on a muggy night in 1960. Young professionals need someone to pattern themselves after – a trusted adviser, a supporter, a person who can lend experience. Since finding a great mentor is one of the best ways to enhance your own future, I recommend the following:

Let it happen. Don’t ask someone to be your mentor. The best ones are already taken. They’re buried with requests. So just watch them, take mental notes, follow their examples. And if someone naturally takes a special interest in you, you’ve found gold. Cherish it as a life-changing gift.
Focus on integrity. Choose someone to pattern yourself after who has impeccable integrity. Then watch how they manage challenging situations, tough conversations and setbacks.
Pick someone who shares your values. Values are a person's “default positions” when no one is watching. They’re usually most evident in how we spend our time, our money and our mental energy. They’re hard to change, so pick someone who naturally overlaps with you.
Find a “teacher.” Look for someone who enjoys sharing knowledge and is delighted to impart skills, contacts and expertise – not someone who hoards them as a way to maintain power.
Look for a listener. Many people listen only to gather their own thoughts and to prepare their own reactions. Great mentors tend to be people who listen to understand. They ask follow-up questions and they make sure they’ve understood before they react.
Seek someone with a network. Networks take a lifetime to build. And if you’ve found a mentor who has adopted your career interests as his or her own, you’ll be introduced to a world of contacts it would otherwise take you years to develop. If you’re given the gift of a warm introduction, don’t blow it – respect the gift. (A consultant once told a mentee of mine that he was in a position to take over from me because he now shared my most-valuable investment contacts. If you’re a mentee, fire this type of consultant!)
Find a leader who cares about others. Look for mentors who take joy in the success of others and want them to get ahead. Self-absorbed people never make good mentors (beyond observable narrow skills).
Choose an optimist. They tend to get more done, have deeper relationships and be more reliable when the going gets tough. Plus, optimists tend to be cheerleaders – a key trait in finding the perfect mentor. If you find one of these, it’ll remind you of your mom – the one person in the world who believed in you during your darkest moments.
Don’t be put off by straight talk. Look for someone who’ll give you feedback. If you buy the idea that feedback is the breakfast of champions, your best mentors will be the people who pull you aside and tell you what you need to hear – even when you don’t want to hear it. (I recall a business coach who pulled me aside after what I thought had been a brilliant performance, to say simply “You talked too much.” That was it! And he was right.)
Pick respect over love. Lean toward finding someone to follow whom others admire and respect. Sometimes, these are not the most popular people, but there’s usually a reason for universal admiration and respect. Figure out what it is in your potential mentor and pattern yourself after the quality that generates such respect.

Response by SFC Aaron Finley made Dec 30 at 2014 12:31 AM

SFC Aaron Finley — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 00:31:58 -0500

I like that old school aproach to finding a mentor. I lean toward people that ate str8 talk no chaser... BLUF... Give me the Five W's so I can get it done as I have a Driver's personality traits. After that I tend to choose different qualities from others to emulate to include people i've served with and passerby's. I enjoyed your str8 talks no chaser moments.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 30 at 2014 11:16 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 11:16:31 -0500

I don't think you do, as such. I think a mentor has to select you.

They have to see something in you that they believe that they can develop. That said, you can help a mentor choose you by being someone who can be developed. Your guide is a great way to be that person.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 30 at 2014 11:25 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 11:25:18 -0500

It took me a long time to find a mentor or rather the mentor to find me. My age was an issue because I joined the Army at 37 (prior service) and I was older than the commander and I think the 1st SGT, this made everyone kind of ignore me because they enfered that I didn't need someone to help me. In reality, I still haven't had a constant mentor, but have had a few good Senior NCO's that have guided me to the decision tree and I picked the branch to climb on. Now that I'm 41 and the younger NCO's and Jr. Enlisted reach out to me on subjects and items Army related. Even though I'm really not comfortable helping someone when sometimes I can't help myself, I still try my hardest to help them.

Let me pose a question to you.

How do you tell a soldier that you don't want to Mentor them? Do you give them "tough love" or beat around the bush about it?

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 30 at 2014 11:27 AM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 11:27:51 -0500

I try to never pick one or two. I'll help anyone the same. I've never really like that some have had the inside track, while others were left wandering. I've been fortunate to have served with the finest LOG CSMs the Army has. I've been double blessed that they've all sought a special interest in me and have provided me with guidance to help me. So I take what they've given me and provide that information to everyone. Only the truly motivated will use the information and execute.

Response by CSM Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 30 at 2014 12:00 PM

CSM Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 12:00:22 -0500

My first mentor was nicknamed 'Pony Soldier' because he had originally been in the horse Calvary in the mid 40's. My last mentor was a Ranger in Vietnam. I had several in between and I honestly don't know what I would have done without them or where I would have ended up.

I only hope I past on to those who followed me as much as I received from those before me.

As to how I selected them, I would have to say they selected me more than anything. I was a young troop - they must have seen something in me they liked, or felt sorry for, lol. Either way, they took me under their wing and made me a better Soldier, and I have them to thank for where I ended up.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 21 at 2015 5:28 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 21 Jan 2015 05:28:17 -0500

By sense of humor and height.

Response by TSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 23 at 2015 4:24 AM

TSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 04:24:42 -0500

Well I find that you will know you've found the right mentor because you will see them from a distance on a cloudy day. ANd then the clouds will part, a single beam of sunshine shall come down illuminating them and a bird will land on their shoulder.

But waiting to find the right one takes time; so in the meantime get some advice from the people who you admire for their strength of character, and willingness to do what's right that are accessible where you are. Whether through books or because they are an officer or NCO above you, a contractor with years of experience, or just an ordinary civilian who has wisdom from being "the salt of the earth."

And once the clouds part you'll already be halfway there! Or something . . .

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 23 at 2015 9:06 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 21:06:43 -0500

I've had to watch and observe for a very long time. One my main observations is how they follow the "standard" It is one of my biggest pet peeves. As long as they don't try to "Politic" around and are Firm, Fair and Consistent. If they are a good leader, listener and advisor they are alright in my book. I will slowly place myself in front of them and let them see me and make them want to talk to me...Not in the bad way though. Lol

Great topic thanks.

Response by Lt Col Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 23 at 2015 9:12 PM

Lt Col Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 21:12:42 -0500

Wow...what a great story, and super insight! Thanks so much for sharing.