How do you truly come to terms with the death of a friend?

2017-04-17T15:29:30-04:00

I learned today that two friends of mine were pronounced dead on the 15th. Different places, different circumstances, same day. Almost astronomical odds, right? Well, RP, how do you reconcile with that kind of news? I'm not going to lie, I'm hurting inside, and I really don't know how to accept this. One was a soldier. The other, a friend from school. So how do you come to terms with a tragedy like this? Any and all advice is welcome, but please, let's keep it professional, as this is a serious topic of discussion.

Response by CPT Laurie H. made Apr 17 at 2017 3:44 PM

2017-04-17T15:44:00-04:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. Times like this are never easy.

This isn't going to be helpful, but time. It takes a lot of time. Trying to accept it before you're ready will make it hurt more, which is also okay. You allow yourself to mourn, allow yourself to remember them and celebrate what they meant to, and forgive yourself when you don't think about them for a day. Don't be afraid to ask for help, or to just spend time with mutual friends talking about it or not talking about it at all. The pain will never go completely away, but it will get easier, I promise.

I started celebrating the birthday of a friend I lost. In a small way, like enjoying a piece of cake, that allows me to remember him and gives me a few minutes for reflection. I found that this helps with the guilt (which I hope in your case you don't feel) and addresses some of that lingering sense of loss.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 17 at 2017 3:48 PM

2017-04-17T15:48:43-04:00

You never really come to terms when friends die. The best you can do is drive on and live day by day. Seek help when help is needed, though.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 17 at 2017 3:50 PM

2017-04-17T15:50:36-04:00

I'll tell you what I do in such situations:
1. Let their family know I care and actively look for ways to assist with the grieving process.
2. Respect and remember him/her for what they did for you.
3. As a writer/vlogger/musician, I like to create content in remembrance that share my thoughts on our relationship
4. Remember you can't always stop it.
5. Remember it as a reason to begin/continue sending out those random emails/facebook messages/tweets/phone calls just to remind someone you care and love them while you still can.
6. Remember you're not dealing with someone's loss alone.
7. Think of the good times and lessons you learned from them and together when the tears roll.
8. I drink sometimes. You shouldn't do that, though. Try to find another vice that's not potentially career-ending.

Let me know if you need anything.

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 17 at 2017 3:52 PM

2017-04-17T15:52:11-04:00

You have experienced a very tough time here. Has if happened to others? I had a friend whose husband was in his last days. She woke up one morning and knew that the end was near. She went to her son's house to tell him to come over because today would be Dad's last day. She found hr son in bed dead.

How does one deal? Everyone is different. I will only say to you there is only one right way to grieve. Your way.

Prayers for you as you deal with this.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 17 at 2017 3:56 PM

2017-04-17T15:56:04-04:00

Brother, I’m sorry.

A friend told me that you never get over the death of a close friend or family member. As if you lost your right arm, you will get used to writing with your left. That pain will never go away entirely, irrespective of the time and circumstances that will follow, and it never should.

Honor them on their birthday. Honor them on 15 April. Take a minute to crawl in a tight space and grieve, then carry on. If they are the kind of friends you find here, that is what they would expect you to do.

That’s a lot of simple advice on a very tough day. Again, I am sorry. Hang in there. Reach out if you need me.

Response by SSG Steven Borders made Apr 17 at 2017 4:24 PM

2017-04-17T16:24:19-04:00

SPC Private RallyPoint Member Well, first off let me give my sincere condolences. I can't even fathom losing two friends on the same day. I am glad you are reaching out to fellow members for some guidance. Now, for myself, I have experienced family members who have passed away, and what I do is celebrate their life. Cherish all of the good memories you had together. With time it will get better, you will never forget them but it will be easier as time moves forward.

Make sure you talk to fellow soldiers in your company, or even your NCO's. We are here to listen and help in any way we can.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 17 at 2017 4:28 PM

2017-04-17T16:28:48-04:00

Reach out and talk to anyone who will listen. Get together with other friends and family of your friends and share your grief. Don't be afraid to call helplines as well. They are not just for emergency situations and often just act as a neutral sounding board.

The key thing is to recognize that you are entitled to your grief. If you have not already, sit down with your immediate leadership as well as anyone within your sphere of influence and let them know about this. They need to be aware and should know if this might cause some performance disruptions.

Response by MSgt John McGowan made Apr 17 at 2017 4:56 PM

2017-04-17T16:56:28-04:00

SPC.. Any way you approach something like this it will be hard going for a while. Several years ago I lost 3 family member in 11 months. Two within 17 days, close family. I was in shock the first month or so and did some pretty dumb things. Not trouble mind you. But I found out it helped to do something and talk, and talk so more. And I have set and listened to friends that lost their friend. So talk it out, stay busy and look at the better times. But stay positive, we are all closer to death every minute. Hang in Brother, you always got us. I am sure we have people with words that can help.

Response by SN Greg Wright made Apr 17 at 2017 5:58 PM

2017-04-17T17:58:53-04:00

I'm sorry to say, time is the only way to come to terms with it. I'm sorry for your loss.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 17 at 2017 6:20 PM

2017-04-17T18:20:52-04:00

SPC Private RallyPoint Member I am sorry for the loss of your two friends. My father was an Air Force Captain who was killed when his plane crashed. I was seven. My mother died when I was 15. I had buddies killed in Vietnam. A very good friend was killed the day after I left country. Each person handles grief differently. I think of my father, my mother, my buddies, and others, at various times throughout the year. Are some of the memories still painful? Yes. I try to focus on good memories and hold these memories close.

Response by MCPO Roger Collins made Apr 17 at 2017 6:56 PM

2017-04-17T18:56:56-04:00

Time. You grieve a lot immediately, then you learn to adjust. It's much more acute when it's family.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 17 at 2017 9:41 PM

2017-04-17T21:41:45-04:00

SPC Private RallyPoint Member first off I am sorry to hear of your loss. How I have felt with loss of friends, family, and Soldiers I have found that it helps to talk with others about that person to remember and celebrate the good times. They will never truly leave you and your memories. To this day I may be doing something and see or hear something that reminds me of them and it brings back memories. The main thing is not to bottle it up and try to get over it, rather go through it with others around you.

Response by James Adair made Apr 17 at 2017 11:20 PM

2017-04-17T23:20:55-04:00

I'd don't think you can ever truly come to terms with it. It takes years of slow recovery. Do not mourn their death celebrate their life make your memories that you have with them a constant reminder of the good times you had

Response by Cpl Jeff N. made Apr 18 at 2017 7:09 AM

2017-04-18T07:09:04-04:00

It is not easy and there will always be the gap there that they filled in your life. Death is a part of life, we have to accept that. I lost two friends I served with to suicides (A few years apart). I think about them all the time and I try to keep their memory alive even in small ways like talking about them with other friends we shared. One of them, I have even kept in touch with one of his now adult sons. Try to stay connected to friends and family that you shared. Hang in there, it will get easier with time.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 18 at 2017 7:37 AM

2017-04-18T07:37:26-04:00

Truly sorry for your loss young man. Two things I know that wont work, is holding it in and turning to the bottle. Both will lead down dark paths. Talk to the Chaplain, see a mental heath expert. There are channels that are offered to us, use them. Be open about it and celebrate their life not morn their loss.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 18 at 2017 9:31 AM

2017-04-18T09:31:14-04:00

Don't close your self up about them. Be open and share memories with others that knew them. It will be hard at first but the best way to deal is to remember the good. Laugh about crazy things ya'll did together and enjoy the memories you have with them. It will never stop hurting and you will think of them randomly but the best way I know of to deal with a loss is to continue your life and be someone that they would have been proud to be friends with. Just don't hold everything in because that could cause more harm than good.

Response by SGT Patrick Reno made Apr 18 at 2017 10:48 AM

2017-04-18T10:48:19-04:00

So you have probably heard all the crap about how it will get better with time and all you have to do is work through it. That's just a bunch of shit. The only thing time will fix is that you won't think about it all the time. Don't feel ashamed that you hurt. Hurt is good, hurt is honoring them. As the weeks go by you will think about it a little less each day. Then some stupid thing will happen and bring back a memory of them and all that grief and pain will be just as strong as the day you first found out. But that's good, that shows they are still with you. It's been 30 years since I lost my best friend in the service and just writing this brings it all back to the day it happened. Be tuff, as long as your still here they live through you.

Response by Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth made Apr 18 at 2017 12:16 PM

2017-04-18T12:16:58-04:00

First off all let me say my condolences for your loss of two friends on one day. Very tough situation to work through. However, you will get through it. Not gonna sugar coat it...it will be tough but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have lost friends at a younger age, friends in combat, and friends as I get older. I also lost my father 4 years ago rather quickly to cancer. It is not easy but allow yourself to grieve...it is a natural process. If you can, take a day or two of leave and just start writing down the things you remember most of each one of them...good times, bad times, crazy and funny things you did and can remember. That way you can look back over the years and always honor their memory. Don't let it consume you as it very well can. Also, if there are other friends in your circles that you can call or Facebook with and share these stories you can laugh and cry together...it is ok to do that. Even soldiers eyeballs can sweat every once and a while. If you are not comfortable talking to your current friends then go see a Chaplain...trust me...it helps...they listen and it it is kept confidential. You have a life to live and the best way to honor your friends is to live it passionately and keep their memories alive. There will be times down the road when you will grieve again when you think about them and then pull out your notes and read those stories again. It will get better I promise but it won't get better overnight...there is no magical pill or formula that can help you get over this loss. It is something that you will have to work through and it is ok to grieve. You also have a group of people here on RP you can lean on. A lot of us have been there where you are and have waled a mile in those shoes and can help. Take care and God bless.

Response by Cpl Justin Goolsby made Apr 18 at 2017 5:41 PM

2017-04-18T17:41:37-04:00

First, I'll give you my condolences. Honestly, I don't know how to answer that question. I've lost more friends from them cutting ties with me than through death so I've grown somewhat numb to losing friends. But for the few that I have lost through death, sometimes I might just talk to them out loud. Helps to get anything off your chest. Sometimes, I might raise a glass to their memory so they know they aren't forgotten. But if you're currently hurting, I might avoid alcohol. But talking to someone or even out loud might help you come to terms with the loss.

Response by LtCol Robert Quinter made Apr 18 at 2017 10:29 PM

2017-04-18T22:29:34-04:00

Sorry you're having to go through this SPC Pietrantonio. I wish I had some magic piece of advice that would cure the hurt, but I don't. I lost over 100 friends in VN, some who I gave your typical black humor remarks as they left on their last flights. My daughter died a few years ago, her son was killed in an accident last month and another Marine friend died yesterday. You'll hurt forever, it just becomes a different hurt. But you asked the correct question. "How do you come to terms with [it]...?". I always throw myself into my work to take my mind off of my grief. A couple other respondents recommended seeing the Chaplain. It's not a bad idea. Even if you aren't religious, one of the beauties of the Chaplain is he/she is out of your normal routine and they should take the time to talk out some of the questions and feelings in your mind and heart.
You will survive, but there will always be a part of you that will hurt and it won't be any easier the next time it happens.

Response by COL Charles Williams made Apr 18 at 2017 11:57 PM

2017-04-18T23:57:14-04:00

SPC Private RallyPoint Member First, and I am very sorry for your loss.
I would offer that you can't try to figure out why. You most just focus on the positive memories of your friends. There is no answer to who, when, and why, especially when we are speaking of young men and women, at home and even in combat.
It is never ever easy, especially to family and friends. I could tell lots of stories about my 33 years in the Army, but I will stick with the personal.
In last two years my father has passed away, along with father in law (I met my wife in HS). Then this past year the 20 year old daughter of close friend ours committed suicide, and in the same year, so do a close friend of my son's... For the family friend, my wife did not want to attend the funeral, as she just did not what do say her friend. But, the important thing was just being there for mom and dad, so we went. They appreciate that.
For the friend of my son's, he was the last person she ever saw. When I asked my son how he was doing, he said he felt like he had hole in heart. Sound familiar? I could do nothing to help, but listen. He was not even going to attend her funeral, as he did not know how to act... but, I encouraged him to go for her family, and they and he was happy that he did. They sent him a hand written note thanking him for his friendship and for being there. I suspect, he will cherish that note.
There are No easy answers here my friend.
Take a deep breath, cry as much as you need to. Try to always remember the good times, not the bad.
If it is too much to handle, go see your chaplain sooner rather than later.
Again, I am very very sorry for your loss.

Response by SSgt Jim Gilmore made Apr 19 at 2017 8:41 AM

2017-04-19T08:41:11-04:00

You never get over it completely. I lost a friend in Vietnam. He had been in country less than 2 weeks. I relive that morning a lot...

Response by CPO Bill Penrod made Apr 19 at 2017 8:56 AM

2017-04-19T08:56:32-04:00

Sorry for your loss. See your chaplain's office/Family Services for grief counseling either one on one or group counseling.....................

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 19 at 2017 12:44 PM

2017-04-19T12:44:39-04:00

There is no easy answer to this, my friend.
I had a period of grief not too long ago that absolutely crushed me.
The solution for me was to get out from under that news and live life. The sun still came up in the morning, the kids still needed their daddy, and the fish were biting on the weekend.
It took a long time to come to grips with it, but I did.

Response by SSG Dale London made Apr 20 at 2017 8:58 AM

2017-04-20T08:58:08-04:00

I've seen this from both angles - as the one suffering loss and as the minister trying to help people cope. There is no easy answer. The best advice I can give you is to share your grief. Don't wallow in it but do acknowledge it and speak to those close to you about it. Certain strength and comfort comes from the close association of others around you, especially if they share in the loss.
Now, saying that, there is a simple fact of life that we all have to deal with at some point in our lives. We die. Our loved ones die. Our friends die. When we lose someone we care about - it hurts - a lot. And in some ways, that pain will never completely disappear. It will fade. It will ease somewhat. But every so often something will spur a memory and we will need to deal with it again.
A personal faith helps many but if you don't have that - you have friends and family. The last thing you want to do is bury your pain. It will resurface later when it is most inconvenient and probably beyond your control.
See your chaplain -- even if you are not a church-goer. He might only be able to listen, or maybe there is more he can do. But he can help either way.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 20 at 2017 3:43 PM

2017-04-20T15:43:05-04:00

Update to all;

I appreciate all of your feedback. One of the things, pretty much unanimously said is "don't bury it or bottle it up." I agree with that sentiment, and always have. However, new issue arises: I am not being given any opportunity to grieve. I've literally been told by both of my leaders to --and I quote-- "Get over it. Death is a part of our way of life, and I've had it worse than you. So suck it up and stop walking around here with a chip on your shoulder."

One of those friends was a co-worker. How in the hell am I supposed to just make like everything is alright?

Response by MSgt Mark Bucher made Apr 24 at 2017 1:11 PM

2017-04-24T13:11:20-04:00

A person never comes to terms with the death of a friend or a loved one. You just learn to live with the loss