How does one get more tact? Are you born with it, or is it learned/developed?

2017-01-12T04:48:38-05:00

So the jist of it is I'm a very blunt person. Some people on here know me personally and I am not afraid to speak my mind. I can hold my tongue sometimes but previously, I have gain the disliking of my NCO Support Channel and Chain of Command because of what my NCOs say about me. I'd like to know how one gets more tact. I can give certain examples if needed

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 12 at 2017 6:08 AM

2017-01-12T06:08:40-05:00

SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member it comes down to respect. If you respect the rank or others you will tell the truth in a respectful manner. There is a time and place as well. If there is no time keep your mouth shut. If there is time and in a setting where it is appropriate you can express yourself by addressing the person by their rank in a respective tone. You then state I believe or I feel. You keep level tone regardless if they do not. They still outrank you. Same if you are peers or they are subordinate to you. However, there is no real way to respectfully say that you think that they are useless and do not deserve to serve in uniform. You may want to bite your tongue on that one.

As far as how to become more tactful? Practice practice practice.

Response by Col Joseph Lenertz made Jan 12 at 2017 7:43 AM

2017-01-12T07:43:29-05:00

I like LTC Private RallyPoint Member 's answer. It is mutual respect. A personal technique is to imagine being the person you're talking to before you open your mouth. Step in their shoes, recognize they may have had a fight with their spouse, or their child was sick, or traffic was bad. There are always things you don't know about the person you're talking to, so one way to gain tact is to practice listening, to gain the inside scoop on the person you're talking to. It will help you get what you want done, and they may even help you do it.

Response by 1SG Al Brown made Jan 12 at 2017 7:44 AM

2017-01-12T07:44:07-05:00

Tact is difficult for people with low self discipline. You'll gain experience over time concerning how to tactfully influence others (to include superiors). Or, you'll get an Article 15 for disrespect, because you can't be tactful. Saying something in a non-confrontational manner (tact) isn't difficult if you discard the anger. Work on it. You won't be the first person to learn the hard way. Most of us have. We're all alpha's.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 12 at 2017 7:45 AM

2017-01-12T07:45:36-05:00

As someone similar to you, I don't mince words and usually don't care about someone's feelings if they are wrong. Tact is definitely a skill, or even an art. You have to be able to assess whether the situation is favorable for what you have to say, and then deciding how to best convey your message so it is understood in the right context, and respectfully. Sometimes, you have to just let some stuff go. That's part of what is called "Choosing Your Battles." Sometimes fighting and winning a battle is not worth the cost of the fight or the consequences. Losing that battle will be even worse. Being right is not always the best justification for starting a battle.

Figuring out how to phrase things is indeed the tough part. I tend to use regulations to convey constructive criticism, as not everyone knows regulations or is aware of the nuances of what they mean. So presenting a regulation as a constructive argument means you can never really be wrong. You just have to make sure you are interpreting the regulation properly. Usually I would say something like, "Hey SGT Whoever, did you know that the regulations state that you can/cannot [insert correction here]?" I used to have frequently used ARs, TMs, MILPERs, and ALARACTs on my mobile device, for quick reference and proof. As long as you are respectful, you cannot be disciplined for pointing out and enforcing regulations.

But, in normal conversation, you just have to think about how you would want to be spoken to when you make a mistake. You can be direct and factual without being disrespectful or abusive. It just takes some forethought and discipline.

Response by SGT Dave Tracy made Jan 12 at 2017 9:31 AM

2017-01-12T09:31:07-05:00

Some may be born with the ability to understand when tact is needed; others can learn it; some are too oblivious to ever know when to be tactful. The real key though, whether it's learned or comes naturally, is to decide when use tact. I too can be abrupt with others, and do so knowing there are more tactful ways to interact. Whether I'm tactful or not, its the impression I intend to leave.

Response by 1SG Mike Case made Jan 12 at 2017 9:57 AM

2017-01-12T09:57:16-05:00

It is not hard. I know everyone wants to be known as the hard ass, who doesn't pull any punches and just rubs everyone the wrong way with their straightforward talk. If a PVT walked up to you and said "Hey SPC, your hands cold....you in the Air Force" or some other wise comment, sounding like a dick (your example), I am sure you wouldn't just say "Roger PVT" and move out. There is a time and place for everything. Pull that young 2LT to the side and let him know that as a leader, young Soldiers will mimic him and if he walks around with his hands in his pockets, the Soldiers will as well. Like others have stated, merely quoting the reg and informing them of their deficiency is enough for it to stop. Also, I don't mean this wrong but you're just a SPC and you will end up on the wrong end of a lot of conversations or worse. Take a quick a breath before speaking and like it was said practice, practice, and more practice.

Response by Cpl Justin Goolsby made Jan 12 at 2017 10:01 AM

2017-01-12T10:01:12-05:00

I would say you are born with it, but it is something that can be learned and developed. You'll always come across people who seem to be naturally gifted in dealing with others. Since you said you are a very blunt person, I'm going to guess you're the type of person who just says whatever is on his mind whenever it's on his mind. Personally I think there's nothing wrong with that, because I can somewhat relate. But if that's the case, one of the things I would do is to take a deep breath and think for a moment before you say something. Evaluate your surroundings. See if there's a way where you can say something that could possibly be damaging but delivered in a lesser blow.

For instance, we had a group of Marines together for our weekly training. Well I noticed one of the SNCOs had a discrepancy with their uniform. Now I respected this SNCO. I looked up to him. So instead of potentially embarrassing him in front of his subordinates and undermining his authority by correcting him publicly, I simply asked him if I could talk to him outside. When we got outside, he asked me what I needed and I explained to him that there was something wrong with his uniform and I didn't want to correct him in front of the Junior Marines. He thanked me for looking out for him and then we looked each other's uniforms over to make sure our uniforms looked good before returning to the class.

By all appearances, I was just another Junior Marine looking for advice from a senior leader. But I know the truth of it and he knows the truth of it. If I didn't respect this person, I may not have thought about how to handle it tactfully, but because I did respect him, it gave me that extra second to pause and think before I opened my mouth.

Response by MSG Brad Sand made Jan 12 at 2017 1:50 PM

2017-01-12T13:50:01-05:00

It can be learned but being truthful has its place too. Often, it is not as much what is said as when it is said. Then again, not sure I am the best person to be answering such questions but if you didn't want the answer, don't ask the question?

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 12 at 2017 2:12 PM

2017-01-12T14:12:12-05:00

It's something I have learned over the years. Lack of tact cost me rank...because (as MAJ Brian Maurelli pointed out) there's a degree of respect associated with tact. A turd is a turd...and calling it feces and shit means essentially the same thing, but can be taken differently. In our world, perception is reality...and so you have to be concerned with how others perceive what you are saying and not just your own perspective. Personally, I'm perfectly happy with a blunt response from my Soldiers. I don't want to waste a lot of time with frivolities when I can get straight to the point and move on to the next phase (whether that's mission oriented or just getting everyone home to their friends/families).

Sadly, you may have earned yourself a reputation...and it could be that HOW you go about saying and doing things adds to that reputation. As humans, we all struggle with confirmation bias...where we are looking for things to support a viewpoint and ignoring things that go against it. That's going to be one hell of a struggle for you to get past that. This may even require you to change units, should this be the case.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Jan 12 at 2017 2:40 PM

2017-01-12T14:40:01-05:00

The answer is yes; aka both. Born with a general positive outlook and then reinforcing it through good behavioral skills, helps. Have you ever seen an impatient person being tactful? No, because it's all about them in the moment without care others than themselves. We all get like that on occasion. Human nature. There's some validity to self esteem and respect. We tend not to have the time of day for those we don't respect. People making power plays tend to go into bulldozer mode, hence drop that tact thing. People tend to get more tactful as they age because they find out they get more that way. Then you hit a point like I did in retirement when you control so much more of your life, you don't need to be tactful if you just want to be left alone. More efficient that way. So I found I have to be more mindful of it because you can easily lose being connected to the world outside. Loneliness is its own disease. So work on that tact thing all the time. It's a good investment.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 12 at 2017 4:32 PM

2017-01-12T16:32:54-05:00

1. Don't address anyone negatively in front of others.
2. When you correct someone be sure to give them actionable information. Instead of saying that XXX was a dumba$$ thing to do, tell them it would have been smarter to do XXX.
3. Use Triage... some stuff isn't important enough to comment on, other stuff is so jacked up your comments are not going to have any impact. Focus your attention on those things that can be fixed.

Response by MSG Steve Wiersgalla made Jan 12 at 2017 10:46 PM

2017-01-12T22:46:39-05:00

I understand being blunt, however as a soldier military bearing, discipline, and respect are all part of tact. A smart ass attitude is not! I can tell you from experience Sr leadership does not take kindly to subordinates with attitudes. Now respectful conversations in private can go a long way. Reading through this thread I get the feeling there is another side of this story, but I will not speculate what it is. You have to pick your battles, some are not worth fighting. Correcting superiors needs to be done but sometimes you just need to go to your first line leader and let them escalate the correction. Always remember use your self discipline to respect the rank and maintain your military bearing at all times. Sometimes you just have to say "Roger" then move out and draw fire. Never display an attitude it will always end badly for you.

Response by SSG Waldo Yamada made Jan 13 at 2017 11:43 PM

2017-01-13T23:43:59-05:00

Having military bearing is more of a word to live by rather than being tact. Tact is just being courteous to another person. If you are tact in the right time at the right moment then that's military bearing.

Response by MAJ Raúl Rovira made Jan 17 at 2017 1:29 AM

2017-01-17T01:29:27-05:00

What you say, how you say it, and when you say it, all play into this. Always show respect and courtesy regardless of rank (higher or lower).